I keep thinking everything will work out:(
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi boskerbear,
sorry you're going through this. It is hard.
There is a great thread in the stickies section, that I thought you'd maybe like to read, as it can help you understand a bit more what are you dealing with, and how likely it is for things to work out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Take care
sorry you're going through this. It is hard.
There is a great thread in the stickies section, that I thought you'd maybe like to read, as it can help you understand a bit more what are you dealing with, and how likely it is for things to work out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Take care
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Bosker,
Read your first post and pretend it is a friend writing to you for advice.
It is absolutely NOT ok to have your boyfriend peeing all over himself and getting drunk for no reason. He is an alcoholic and you are setting yourself up for a miserable existance.
Also, I feel sorry in advance for any children born into that nightmare. Think about it.
I also suspect that it is convenient for his boss that he is a drunk as maybe that is a control over him. If he was sober and had normal ambitions, he may start his own business and close down his boss! As for his aunt, the same. She gets to keep him around to help her.
I don't think there is much worse than being thrown out of your home. I myself would not be in a hurry to let that slip. I think that anyone who does that to someone, especially a girl, is a lowlife at the very least. Stay with your parents and build up your confidence to where you would not take that crap from anyone. I think that is the crux of the problem. Anyone who was confident and complete would not be remotely susceptable to a jerk like this. Sorry if I sound harsh, but he really treated you like dirt. Anyone can write atext or make a cute phonecall if it suits them.
"Hi Bosker baby, you are soooo gorgeous and I don't deserve you. You are too beautiful for me. I want to make it up to you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what happened." blah, blah, blah, blah........
Read your first post and pretend it is a friend writing to you for advice.
It is absolutely NOT ok to have your boyfriend peeing all over himself and getting drunk for no reason. He is an alcoholic and you are setting yourself up for a miserable existance.
Also, I feel sorry in advance for any children born into that nightmare. Think about it.
I also suspect that it is convenient for his boss that he is a drunk as maybe that is a control over him. If he was sober and had normal ambitions, he may start his own business and close down his boss! As for his aunt, the same. She gets to keep him around to help her.
I don't think there is much worse than being thrown out of your home. I myself would not be in a hurry to let that slip. I think that anyone who does that to someone, especially a girl, is a lowlife at the very least. Stay with your parents and build up your confidence to where you would not take that crap from anyone. I think that is the crux of the problem. Anyone who was confident and complete would not be remotely susceptable to a jerk like this. Sorry if I sound harsh, but he really treated you like dirt. Anyone can write atext or make a cute phonecall if it suits them.
"Hi Bosker baby, you are soooo gorgeous and I don't deserve you. You are too beautiful for me. I want to make it up to you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what happened." blah, blah, blah, blah........
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi again Bosker,
just read the rest of the posts, and came to where you said you lost twins.
I actually cried! What he said.....Good God! I think you need to delete his number from your phone. I am beginning to think you might enjoy the abuse in some way, enjoy is the wrong word but the drama attracts you perhaps? I cannot understand this, I really can't. It is almost like you are not processing the enormity of the abuse. Please, please, please walk away. Adult children of alcoholics is another angle you should be looking at.
just read the rest of the posts, and came to where you said you lost twins.
I actually cried! What he said.....Good God! I think you need to delete his number from your phone. I am beginning to think you might enjoy the abuse in some way, enjoy is the wrong word but the drama attracts you perhaps? I cannot understand this, I really can't. It is almost like you are not processing the enormity of the abuse. Please, please, please walk away. Adult children of alcoholics is another angle you should be looking at.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I have found that what I want for other people is often not what they want for themselves. I have also found that 99.9% of any advice I've given has fallen on deaf ears and most people seeking advice don't really want any opposing opinions. What they're really seeking is validation that the path they're taking is OK. So, when I see posts requesting advice, what I really hear is "tell me that everything will be OK in my life if I continue to do what I've always done."
The only thing I can do is share my own personal experience. And often times, that will fall on deaf ears, too.
But...
When the person is ready to change and ready to listen to and learn from the experience of others, their ears will be wide open, so sharing my personal experience--rather than advice--is never a waste of time.
People will do what they want to do until they decide that their choices aren't working for them. For some people that process takes months; for others it takes years. They choose a timeframe that is most comfortable for them. I cannot nudge them to hasten the process with my words or actions. And every time I try to do so, it only serves to frustrate me.
The only thing I can do is share my own personal experience. And often times, that will fall on deaf ears, too.
But...
When the person is ready to change and ready to listen to and learn from the experience of others, their ears will be wide open, so sharing my personal experience--rather than advice--is never a waste of time.
People will do what they want to do until they decide that their choices aren't working for them. For some people that process takes months; for others it takes years. They choose a timeframe that is most comfortable for them. I cannot nudge them to hasten the process with my words or actions. And every time I try to do so, it only serves to frustrate me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The drama of his calling you about his "overdose" is pathetic.
Glad to hear you didn't play into it. If he can call you, he can call 911.
Oh, and at 5'9",180 pounds is a fairly healthy weight. There are plenty of men out there who will find you beautiful. You might want to try hanging out some places other than bars, though--you don't need to buy the same problems you are trying to get away from.
Glad to hear you didn't play into it. If he can call you, he can call 911.
Oh, and at 5'9",180 pounds is a fairly healthy weight. There are plenty of men out there who will find you beautiful. You might want to try hanging out some places other than bars, though--you don't need to buy the same problems you are trying to get away from.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Hollyanne 
I am beginning to think you might enjoy the abuse in some way, enjoy is the wrong word but the drama attracts you perhaps? .
I think you're absolutely right. It's something I've known for a while actually. I don't know what my issue is, but I seem to crave the drama. It's like that in other areas of my life too. At work everyone comes to me with their problems and i try and help...same goes with friends. If they have gossip or drama, i always hear about it. I think i like it cause it makes me feel important. I'm one of the most co-dependent people I know! And I have no idea on how to make it stop since it's been this way my whole life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 57
1.Read your first post and pretend it is a friend writing to you for advice.
It is absolutely NOT ok to have your boyfriend peeing all over himself and getting drunk for no reason. He is an alcoholic and you are setting yourself up for a miserable existance.
2.Also, I feel sorry in advance for any children born into that nightmare. Think about it.
3.I also suspect that it is convenient for his boss that he is a drunk as maybe that is a control over him. If he was sober and had normal ambitions, he may start his own business and close down his boss! As for his aunt, the same. She gets to keep him around to help her.
4. I don't think there is much worse than being thrown out of your home. I myself would not be in a hurry to let that slip. I think that anyone who does that to someone, especially a girl, is a lowlife at the very least. Stay with your parents and build up your confidence to where you would not take that crap from anyone. I think that is the crux of the problem. Anyone who was confident and complete would not be remotely susceptable to a jerk like this. Sorry if I sound harsh, but he really treated you like dirt. Anyone can write atext or make a cute phonecall if it suits them.
Thanks for your message. It wasnt harsh at all, i know i needed to hear it. Point number 1 and 4 of yours are something i've come to realize, but with having no self confidence or self esteem its so hard to realize that i'm worth more.
#3=You typed exactly what i was thinking!!!! Yikes, lol. In a city as small as the one my ABF lives in its hard to find people to do the work he does, and there is lots of competition.
It is absolutely NOT ok to have your boyfriend peeing all over himself and getting drunk for no reason. He is an alcoholic and you are setting yourself up for a miserable existance.
2.Also, I feel sorry in advance for any children born into that nightmare. Think about it.
3.I also suspect that it is convenient for his boss that he is a drunk as maybe that is a control over him. If he was sober and had normal ambitions, he may start his own business and close down his boss! As for his aunt, the same. She gets to keep him around to help her.
4. I don't think there is much worse than being thrown out of your home. I myself would not be in a hurry to let that slip. I think that anyone who does that to someone, especially a girl, is a lowlife at the very least. Stay with your parents and build up your confidence to where you would not take that crap from anyone. I think that is the crux of the problem. Anyone who was confident and complete would not be remotely susceptable to a jerk like this. Sorry if I sound harsh, but he really treated you like dirt. Anyone can write atext or make a cute phonecall if it suits them.
Thanks for your message. It wasnt harsh at all, i know i needed to hear it. Point number 1 and 4 of yours are something i've come to realize, but with having no self confidence or self esteem its so hard to realize that i'm worth more.
#3=You typed exactly what i was thinking!!!! Yikes, lol. In a city as small as the one my ABF lives in its hard to find people to do the work he does, and there is lots of competition.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 57
It's been a whole day and i had no contact with my ABF because his cell phone has run out of minutes....what a relief. I was able to enjoy myself at a football game with my mom
I also picked up the book CoDependent No More...i look forward to reading it!
I'm scared, but i have decided to start Alanon on Monday night....altho....i just realized thats Thanksgiving here in Canada....do alanon meetings usually happen on holidays? Hmmmm guess i'll have to try and find out. Otherwise i suppose i'll start on Tuesday...the sooner the better.
I also picked up the book CoDependent No More...i look forward to reading it!
I'm scared, but i have decided to start Alanon on Monday night....altho....i just realized thats Thanksgiving here in Canada....do alanon meetings usually happen on holidays? Hmmmm guess i'll have to try and find out. Otherwise i suppose i'll start on Tuesday...the sooner the better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 57
So much for having no contact with the ABF last night. He managed to get online and text my phone from there. He seemed pretty sober which means he's out of money. Thats good cause he'll go to work this week. I told him i cant be with him until he decides to get some help. He always flat out told me rehab wasnt for him. But last night was different...he mentioned trying outpatient rehab and going to AA. He's been to AA lots before, he just always gave up....i hope he's serious about rehab. He told me he's 100% committed to making our relationship work.
Don't worry everyone, i wont believe it till I see it
Don't worry everyone, i wont believe it till I see it
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by boskerbear
I'm scared, but i have decided to start Alanon on Monday night....altho....i just realized thats Thanksgiving here in Canada....do alanon meetings usually happen on holidays? Hmmmm guess i'll have to try and find out. Otherwise i suppose i'll start on Tuesday...the sooner the better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 57
thanks so muck, work ran late tonight so i couldnt get to a meetings, i told my coworker i have plans tommorrow so i should be able to get to a meeting I'm so anxious about it. What do i say when i show up there? Just that im new and here for the meeting? Is there anything newbies have to do differently??
I'm so anxious about it. What do i say when i show up there? Just that im new and here for the meeting? Is there anything newbies have to do differently??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
You don't have to say anything. Just sit down and listen. There's a pretty standard introduction at the beginning, and often there is a structure or plan for the meeting that is prearranged. Groups are used to newcomers, and the person sitting next to you will share their books as needed. It seems intimidating, but once you get in that room, you'll realize that their stories are your stories.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Hi,
Wow I haven't been here in a while but I have been to my meetings consistently and working this program (I am proud to say) for 3 years. Before I got into this program, I did a very similar thing you did. I knew my abf was alcoholic and moved in with him anyway. However, I was pregnant with his child and I was given an ultimatum that I didn't like and picked the one I thought was best for me at the time. What caught my eye here on this site was the name of your thread: "I keep thinking everything will work out."
This struck me twofold: Before Al-non and After Al-non thinking
1. Your thread description was my exact thinking too when I moved in with abf BEFORE I was in this program. It was more of a fantasy than a reality. Like a Disney movie with a fairytale ending. Cinderella, Snow White. What these fantasies have in common is there is a damsel in distress or victim and somehow she gets rescued from the villian by a handsome prince. It's all very nice. But the problem is that it's not reality. In other words, wouldn't it be nice if Abf got into recovery and we got married and lived happily ever after? I wish it was that easy. I'm not here to say it could never happen, but the liklihood of it happening so simply? I'd have to say probably not. Save yourself, let HIM save himself.
2. My thinking now and since I've joined Al-Alnon and worked this program that is solely for me and only me (it's not to help fix the A) is "yes everything will definitely work out, but maybe not the way I want it to, or the way I think it should and that's okay." The difference now is that I realize I am not in control of the outcome and that my HP needs to be steering, not me. And it's all worked out just the way it's supposed to. I am right where I need to be at this moment and I trust that my HP will guide me every step of the way going forward. And acceptance of that is the key to my happiness. The pain is in the resistence.
I urge you to attend an Al-Anon meeting even if it's scary, even if you feel uncomfortable and know that you are doing something to build yourself up, not be taken down by a man that is very sick with a disease. He may or may not ever get better but you can take care of YOU from here on out. And you are never alone, HP is always with you.
If you want to live a more peaceful and serene life, you will find what you are seeking in these rooms.
Peace,
Jen
Wow I haven't been here in a while but I have been to my meetings consistently and working this program (I am proud to say) for 3 years. Before I got into this program, I did a very similar thing you did. I knew my abf was alcoholic and moved in with him anyway. However, I was pregnant with his child and I was given an ultimatum that I didn't like and picked the one I thought was best for me at the time. What caught my eye here on this site was the name of your thread: "I keep thinking everything will work out."
This struck me twofold: Before Al-non and After Al-non thinking
1. Your thread description was my exact thinking too when I moved in with abf BEFORE I was in this program. It was more of a fantasy than a reality. Like a Disney movie with a fairytale ending. Cinderella, Snow White. What these fantasies have in common is there is a damsel in distress or victim and somehow she gets rescued from the villian by a handsome prince. It's all very nice. But the problem is that it's not reality. In other words, wouldn't it be nice if Abf got into recovery and we got married and lived happily ever after? I wish it was that easy. I'm not here to say it could never happen, but the liklihood of it happening so simply? I'd have to say probably not. Save yourself, let HIM save himself.
2. My thinking now and since I've joined Al-Alnon and worked this program that is solely for me and only me (it's not to help fix the A) is "yes everything will definitely work out, but maybe not the way I want it to, or the way I think it should and that's okay." The difference now is that I realize I am not in control of the outcome and that my HP needs to be steering, not me. And it's all worked out just the way it's supposed to. I am right where I need to be at this moment and I trust that my HP will guide me every step of the way going forward. And acceptance of that is the key to my happiness. The pain is in the resistence.
I urge you to attend an Al-Anon meeting even if it's scary, even if you feel uncomfortable and know that you are doing something to build yourself up, not be taken down by a man that is very sick with a disease. He may or may not ever get better but you can take care of YOU from here on out. And you are never alone, HP is always with you.
If you want to live a more peaceful and serene life, you will find what you are seeking in these rooms.
Peace,
Jen
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