boskerbear

Sorry, i'm rambling and its a long post

3 weeks ago I moved in with my ABF. We have been dating long distance (5 hours away) for just over a year and i knew he was an alcoholic. I knew it was bad too. his boss called me one day to say my bf has a routine. He gets paid once a month, pays his bills and child support then drinks until the rest of the money is gone. Last year he even drank so much in the winter that he went for a walk, got lost and got horrible frostbite on his feet. He almost lost his toes!!!. Anyways, his boss keeps him around even tho it impacts his business. His boss feels bad for him. Unfortunately i know my ABF gets special treatment from his boss because he is very mechanically skilled and his boss cant get anyone else to work since its a small town. This has been going on for atleast 4 years.

So I moved in with my man because everyone thought it would help, even I thought it would help. I was wrong. Now I got to see the drinking first hand. He got drunk a two weeks ago on saturday. I was actually proud of him for coming into the house and telling me he had bought some booze and had wanted me to pour the rest out. I thought that was great that he could tell me that. However he neglected to tell me about the other two bottles in the shed that he hid. So it was a long weekend. He sobered up and went to work that Monday but he then got paid on the 30th. I had a dentist appointment and made it home at 6pm. He was done at 5. That gave him an hour to go buy booze. I didnt know he had the booze until after supper. He went to work in the garden which he loves to do, then i went outside to offer him some water and he mentioned he had a drink. He didnt seem drunk yet. We then walked to his aunt's and he progressively got worse. He didnt have anymore to drink but it just kicked in slowly until about an hour later. She knew he was drunk, but she doesnt care. She lets him stay there anytime he wants because he buys her smokes and stuff. He was ready to pass out so we left. I pretty much had to hold him up for the 4 blocks home. He then went to the bedroom and passed out. I went to check in on him and he had wet the bed ALOT. So i got frustrated and left him there. He got up and came to see me on the couch, he then passed out there and peed himself there too. It was the grossest thing ever. Our place was urinated all over!!

He sobered up the next day and felt remorseful like always. We went to get groceries and i accidently left his debit card with him so he went to get more booze. His boss had been texting me to tell me about supper plans for us that night and i mentioned nathan was drinking again, so he came over and had a chat with my bf. He listened and cried. His boss left and my man kept drinking. So i went over to his friend's place to chill out and just get away. I returned at 6 to see if my guy was sober enough for supper. He wasnt in good shape but wanted to go, so we did go over to his boss's house for supper. Things went well actually until his boss offered me a drink. I said that wouldnt be fair to my man so i would just have coffee but then he offered my man a drink too. I was floored!!! How on earth could he do that knowing how horrible his addiction is! It's affecting his business and he doesnt seem to care

After supper we went home and i hopped into the bathtub. I should have taken my purse in the bathroom with me because while i was in there he went into my purse and took 60$ out of my wallet and took off to get booze. The money was his cause i was holding onto it, but i didnt think he would go thru my purse to get it. Guess he just wanted the booze that badly That night was brutal. He got very very angry and kept telling me to get out of his house when i would try and talk to him (I dont yell anymore cause i know it does no good). I told him i would leave monday, but he kept saying NOW. So i packed everything up in my car, said goodbye to his mom, and left for my home 5 hours away.

I Miss him sooooo much. I keep thinking all the good times outweigh the bad, and that i could just ignore his drinking. He doesnt use my money for booze so i could always support myself. I feel awful that i'm 28 years old and had to move back in with my parents. I wonder if i should have just sucked it up and dealt with the stress. His boss even commented once that my ABF "only" drinks once a month so it could be worse. Everyone, including myself keeps making excuses for him. His dad abandoned him, his sister was killed in a car accident, his ex wont let him see his child, etc. I gotta realize we all have issues and we gotta deal with them in better ways.

My ABF is still drinking this very moment. He was out of money but GST cheques came out so that gave him another 100$ to drink away. He knows I'm gone. Early in the morning yesterday and today he would be sober for a bit and send me texts telling me how much he loves me, and sorry for the hurt, blah blah blah. I cant seem to end contact with him, its so hard. I wish i had taken his cell phone with me like i was gonna so he couldnt reach me, but i gave it back to him. I always fall for his sweet texts cause he says all the things i love to hear.

I want him to go to rehab, so we can attempt a future together, but at the moment i dont think he wants to go, so i cant force him. I know its a long shot that it will fix things, but i want to try. Am i completely insane? I just dont wanna give up on him like everyone else has.

I'm gonna start alanon next week, hoping it will help

nodaybut2day

Hi boskerbear and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There's lots of support to be had here...please keep coming back.

Since you're going to Al-Anon, then I'll give you a headstart with the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE this
You can't CURE this
You can't CONTROL this

I think you did a stellar thing by moving back in with your parents. You saw that you were in a hopeless situation and did the best thing for yourself. Don't feel bad about being 28 and back with your folks. I moved back in with my folks with a 15 month old baby in tow at the ripe age of 32. Best thing I ever did. I'm still with them and we're buying a duplex together

Right now, there's nothing you can do, say, not do, not say that will make your boyfriend change his ways. You simply aren't that powerful. The only power you have is over yourself...

Now about those lovey dovey texts, I can tell you that from experience, talk is cheap. Words don't mean jack. Look at a man's ACTIONS and then you'll know who you are dealing with. Your ABF may say nice things to you, but what has he DONE to make changes in his life?

I do hope you keep posting and reading. SR is always open.

Learn2Live

Good for you for Moving out of that insanity BoskerBear!! You should not feel bad for moving in with your parents to get away from that; you should feel proud of the strength and independence your actions exhibit! I totally understand how you feel, hurt and missing someone like that and not wanting to let go. I have been there many times.

But can you see how taking care of a person who does not take care of himself, being made responsible for someone else's booze, ability to walk, money, etc is chaotic and unmanageable? Is that the kind of relationship you want to have? Or the kind of purpose you want for yourself and your life?

Carol Star

I am glad you are here. I am real glad too that you are going to Alanon. There is a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie which would help you also. The disease is progressive. If he does not want help there is really not alot you can do. Ignore what he says. LOOK at his ACTIONS. Alcoholics are charming and major manipulators. You can only change you. Work the program you wish he would work. Good luck.

DMC

I thought the same thing. I was wrong. It gets to the point (and sounds like it got there quickly for you) where you just can't overlook it. I did for a LONG time, but I got to that point - where I just couldn't take it.

Except that you'll end up supporting him. Happened to me. I couldn't get him to work, couldn't get him to look for a job.

Don't, and No, you should have "just sucked it up." Listen to the voices here. Many of us "just sucked it up" and ended up worse for it. You bailed for a reason, and him forcing you out may just turn out to be the biggest blessing possible.

Because he KNOWS how to suck you back in. Be strong. Don't fall for what we call "quacking." It's easier said than done, but trust me, you'll feel better once you get a little time and distance between you.

You aren't insane, you're exactly like, um, all of us. It's just that people can't be saved unless they want it. Make him prove it.

I used the mantra "if you're still sober and I'm still single in 5 years, then we'll talk." Over and over and over.
I've moved on. My divorce is in the works, and my life has never, NEVER been better.

You didn't cause it,
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.

Wise words if any have ever been spoken/typed.
Take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself.
D

LexieCat

Glad you got out of that situation when you did. He is a very sick man. You're 28 years old. Do you want to spend the best years of your life taking care of someone who wets the bed, wets the couch, takes money out of your pocketbook, lies to you, screams at you, staggers home with his weight on you?

That's what you would have to look forward to. He's shown no sign of any desire to stop drinking, and some never do.

It's better to be living with your parents than with a hopeless alcoholic.

boskerbear

Thanks so much for the support everybody. I appreciate the kind words. It definitely helps talking about things. My friends don't understand and i dont expect them to.

I wish i had better self esteem, it might make things easier, but thats something i need to work on. I'm the type who stayed with this man because i really didnt think i could do any better. I wanna smack sense into girls like me, lol.

I'm pretty anxious to start alanon, im not really good in large groups or with meeting new people. I have a feeling i'm gonna cry and babble on. I dont even have my thoughts all in order right now, my mind is just racing a mile a minute.

I'll keep everyone updated with my progress tho, it just may help me

TakingCharge999

Hi boskerber.

You don't have to talk to anyone, many go to groups, sit, listen, leave. I arrived to one group crying and just listening others had lived similar things and felt similar things made me think I was not alone and my experience was valid. It SUCKS when others are in denial, make excuses, etc but they also know him in passing, or it non-threatening contexts. We know them behind the scenes.

I am 28 too and would have moved with my parents but I had already moved with an XABF to a new city, so I moved with a friend and then rented by myself.

I truly believe God, the universe or whatever, Saved You from what could have been much worse outcomes.Alcoholics start getting violent in no time.

Those words he says are a trap to continue the cycle of abuse. Can you change your #?

Also, I believe things can work out with people like that
IF you like to be used for sex whenever they want it and many times with alcohol involved
IF you are willing to shut up and be insulted, yelled at
IF you are willing to work for: vodka, whiskey, beer, tequila, rum, brandy
IF you are willing to become a punching bag and cease being a woman, with every right to have joy and love in her life.


At first it sucks but 2 years later I am OK. And I work with XABF so that part is tricky, but I am coming to a point that I am indifferent, because I know the truth of who he is, I remember how he made me feel, I know he is still drinking the same Jack Daniels at the same Wings Army bar, I know I can't cure him, control him or caused anything of what he said or did. All that? is HIS stuff. That he doesn't acknowledge it is his problem... not mine.


There are great guys out there one can actually TRUST.. and guys who would NEVER EVER IN THEIR WILDEST DREAMS would imagine hurting you a 5% of what an alcoholic can do... mourn, learn, keep walking... we are here for you... and yes my life is much better without him, for instance its 2 AM, I am playing with my cats, eating chocolates, singing, and yes there is a jack daniels at home - has not been opened for months now.

Wine? yes a sip here and there along with my Caprese salad, for the health benefits and improved circulation. That's it...

And tomorrow morning ? my cats again, my music again, my great hot cakes breakfast, my makeup again... and no one telling me i'm fat, ugly, dumb, boring, unworthy, with their acts or words or looks... no one treating me like his $#&"$& toy without feelings or needs, made only to make HIM happy.

It feels good.

Yes, life is much better... give it more time and you'll have more clarity!

Learn2Live

Well, you CAN do better, BoskerBear, there is no doubt in my mind.

If you really do want to work on your self-esteem, here is my way of starting that. I have had to do this so many times, getting myself out of a relationship and trying to emotionally detach from some psycho guy or another. What you do is, get some BIG paper, doesn't matter what kind. And on this piece of paper, start making a list of all the things that are good and right about YOU. Boast about yourself. Be proud of yourself. Think back to the times in your life when you were happiest and remember who you were, what your accomplishments were, what your friends were saying about you, what your strengths were. And write those words down. In BIG letters, big enough to see from across the room. Then, tape those papers up in a prominent place where you can see those words every day. Read them out loud. And add to the list as often as you can. Also, dig through your old pictures and pull out those pics of yourself that you love. And look at them every day and remember who you were during those times. Soon, your self-esteem will start to grow. As long as you don't allow someone else to knock you back down. Stay away from people who erode your self-esteem. Be good to yourself.

Me neither. I have never been good in large groups. I feel much more at ease one on one. But I tell ya', when I was going through something similar to what you are going through, when I found Al-Anon, I could not believe the feeling I got in those rooms, the feeling of power that comes from being surrounded by such strong men and women who truly care. People need eachother. In person. Give it a try.

When I first went to Al-Anon, I believe I must have done nothing BUT cry for at least the first week. And those people? They just let me cry. You do not have to know what your thoughts are, what you want to say, anything. You do not have to say anything or do anything other than what you want. No one will make you and no one will judge you. You just go and be yourself and listen. Just listen and when you are ready to talk, they will listen to you. It is an amazing experience when you find the right Al-Anon meeting for you. I truly hope you go. And I truly hope you stay away from that alcoholic person you have involved yourself with.

boskerbear

Well today I havent heard from my ABF...i'm filled with worry. Normally i get even some drunken rambling thru text, but today nothing. It's happened before when he was in the hospital or really sick. (if without booze he told me he one time drank rubbing alcohol!!!) I keep hoping its cause he just broke or lost his cell phone or something.

I have friends who tell me to quit worrying....hahahaha really? If it were that easy i would have done it a long time ago. I'm kinda glad i live 5 hours away from him cause it makes it a tiny bit easier, but I do have plans to be in that city for Halloween to hang out with a mutual friend of ours. Of course i wanna see him and i do have a few more items to pick up from the house we were living in, but i know its gonna be hard on me.Hoping i can get in and get out quick. Easier said than done i suppose.


I forgot to mention to everyone that its gonna be hard for me at my parents house too because my father has been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember. But he's nothing like my ABF. My dad is functional when he's drinkin. Before he was retired he would work hard and make sure all the bills were paid and took good care of us kids, then he would drink 5-6 beers then head to bed. I could handle that. However, he is now retired and he has no hobbies so he goes to the bar in town (its closing on the 15th, hooray!) and gets tanked. He can walk and talk and do everything he could sober, but he's just loud and obnoxious drunk! I dont know how mom puts up with it!!

Thankfully i have plans to go out with friends on friday night. Feels weird cause everytime i used to go out with friends i would have to deal with my ABF texting me and being mad cause i hadnt paid him much attention since i was out having fun. I'm also gonna be having a few drinks, something i havent done in a long time cause i felt guilty. Well i'm gonna enjoy myself!! I think i deserve it!

trapeze

Boskerbear,

You deserve to be cherished, loved and made to feel secure. I was raised in a house ruled by alcohol, and I didn't really realize that I deserved to be cherished, loved and made to feel secure until I was 52 years old. Unfortunately, I'm married to a man who doesn't have the ability to put me first. I'm learning to focus on me, though, and will chart my own course, perhaps without him.

Please don't wait that long to understand what you deserve.

As for Al Anon, I'm not a joiner either. Part of it is my past, never feeling like I was good enough. However, when I went to Al Anon I found very accepting, understanding people. It was good.

There's every possibility that you have many, many years of happiness ahead of you. You will need to claim that happiness by doing what is best for you. It is ok to put yourself first. If you don't, no one else will.

Good luck.

boskerbear

Beware my crazy thoughts today:

Ok this sounds horrible, but i wonder if things would be easier if my ABF would just pass out and not wake up one day. It's a mean thought but just something that has been running thru my head. When i was living with him and he was tanked i always worried that he would tumble down the stairs and just die there. Now that I'm not there tho i do keep worrying about these things, cause no one would discover him for days. He also mentioned to me in a drunken text that he was gonna cook something on the stove. It's a gas stove, what if he leaves it on??

Today I almost hopped in my car and drove the 5 hours to check up on him. I'm glad i talked myself out of it. My mind and my wallet cant afford to do that much longer.

This morning i got a text from my ABF's boss, it said "I'm losing business left and right because no one is at the bench to fix stuff...people can't wait...not good...he knows sept and oct are the busiest months, the months that make or break the business, guess he doesnt care" I love his boss but he enables my man as much as I do, maybe even more. In five years or so of my man missing work each month his boss still hasnt fired him because no one else wants to work.

I also got a soberish text today from the ABF telling me he thinks he broke his arm somehow. Over the year i have gotten used to those texts, he's just looking for sympathy and pity. He's not getting it from me today!

It's just been a stressful day, especially since I went thru my list of pals on my phone and noticed i'm the only single person out of them all Thats hard to take, just cause i cant deal with lovey dovey stuff very well at the moment, makes me cry

theuncertainty

Good for you! It took me a while, but it was lot easier for me to let go of the pity-party invitations than the worry. Honestly, I think my sympathy-for-STBXAH capability broke when he lied for months about having cancer.

I still catch myself worrying or awfulizing, but it's not my job to protect STBXAH from himself; it never was. My latest round of worry has been: STBXAH apparently just started working for a tree service company as one of their field guys. Now if that's not a great combination: an A climbing trees with a chainsaw. (Especially when he'd made it a habit of showing up drunk to at least one of the jobs he'd had earlier this year.)

If his new boss isn't smart or safety-conscious enough to check STBXAH's work history, well, that's not my job to worry about either.

If I may ask: Why his boss is bugging you about ABF's no-shows? Seems a bit inappropriate - and his text seems a bit passive-aggressive, IMO. If you tell him that you now live 5 hours away, will the boss stop calling or texting you about ABF?

Yep, yep. I know that feeling too. Hang in there - Hope you have a great evening with your friends on Friday.

somethingsimple

I feel the same way! Every time I don't get a text/call back I assume the worst so I call until he answers and he's fine but then he just wants to talk and be invited back home. That's how he keeps you hanging on to every little interaction. He's exploiting your concern for him because he's so desperate to have you back around and taking care of him.

Stay strong and hopefully your message will get through to him that if he wants another chance with you then he needs to get treatment!

Live

Hey! It's Friday...you can go out, have fun and not be badgered!
That crap is almost as bad as dealing with a drunk....
so it's two for one Friday...two things you don't have to deal with today!

boskerbear

Thanks!! I'm excited to go out with my friends and enjoy some beverages. I keep thinking its wrong to go have a few drinks tho I havent drank in like a year because of my ABF. I used to go out for a beer or two with friends a few times a month before he came along, now I feel bad about it.

But screw it, i'm going out for some beers, some laughs,and chats with awesome friends (some that i havent seen in about a year because my ABF hated me hanging out with other men even tho two of my best friends are male).

I'm gonna take lots of pics so i can remind myself of how important friends are to me

Hope everyone else has a great day too

FormerDoormat

TC, you just keep on cracking me up!! Sorry for the brief diversion....carry on.

acdirito

As I read this thread I noticed you didn't mention any children. Just be thankful that you decided to leave your alcoholic boyfriend before there were any children in the situation. So many of us codependents have had children which complicated our decisions to leave. You are 25 years old, single and free, and have the whole world before you. Take inventory of yourself, figure out who you really are, what you want from your life, and get busy and go for it! It's not going to be easy, but the bumps in the road are only there to make sure we are on the right path. I graduated from college when I was 32 years old, and graduated SumaCumLaude while raising two middle age children. If we want something bad enough we can achieve it! You need to know that women need not be the victim of our environment any longer! Work each step of a program for codependents until you no longer need a man in your life. When you no longer need a man in your life, then start looking for a man that you want! Trust in your Higher Power! And enjoy your life's journey!

boskerbear

Soooooo I had a semi good night...except for adding more stress to my plate. I lost my wallet!!!Kinda freaking out right now. With everything i'm going through i've become so scatterbrained, its rediculous. Everything was in there....got all my cc's cancelled quickly enough, but I was stupid enough to have my GST cheque in there (thinkin only other canadians will know what this it, lol), and i had signed the back of it, hopefully no one can cash it since it is a cheque made out to me.

Karma must be kicking my ass for going out and having fun! Infact, the dollar store right beside the bar even caught on fire last night, it was a pretty big fire too. I'm bad luck, lol. Was getting pretty sick from the smell of cheap burnt plastic

On the way home the ABF called me. I was shocked cause he would rarely ever call me, we're texters, lol. So I answered and i could tell he was still tanked. The first thing he asked me was "What were the pills that i had left in the cupboard? " I said i dunno, cause i couldnt remember. I asked him why and he didnt respond. I then asked him if he took them. He said yes, he took all of them. So this of course had me all worried plus i was mad at him for calling to tell me that....it was to ruin my evening of course. I know that man too well. I just told him to go to the hospital if he needed to and then hung up. I then realized all i had left there were vitamin c and d pills and one bottle of antibiotics. Im assuming he took the antibiotics, if anything. He then kept texting me asking me if i were home yet. He did this a few times. Finally the texts quit, i think his prepaid cellphone card ran out of money and he is broke now, so i wont hear from him for weeks So thats a plus i suppose!

Overall it was nice to get out, but I sure didnt miss going out for drinks. I forgot how rude alot of younger men are. I'm not a small girl, but all my girl friends are, and the drunk guys were whispering about how I looked. Apparently if you're 5'9 and 180 pounds you're absolutely the most repulsive thing ever. Things like that make me miss my ABF because he would always comment about how pretty and attractive I was to him

Well everything feels like a fresh start now, wont be contacted by the ABF and i'm replacing everything in my wallet....feels like a new life, lol

boskerbear

Thanks for your response. I really am pretty lucky to not have children with this man. I actually was pregnant from May-July but lost the babies (it was twins) the day before my birthday due to all the stress my ABF was putting mee through. Strangely I wasnt too sad about losing them, perhaps because I knew things were going to get worse. They sure werent planned. I was on the pill, but things arent foolproof. So right now i could have been 5 months pregnant with his twins...yikes. After I lost the babies my man proceeded to keep telling me that I killed his kids...that was pretty brutal He was of course drunk but that doesnt excuse those words.

Oh and I'm actually 28 years old, but I know what ya meant, lol. Thankfully i still loook 25, but after this stress I feel like i'm 80. My shoulders are super sore from stress!