Wife with newborn, drinking at home alone
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Jay,
Just getting into work, so I have not had a chance to read your post in full detail yet. I have been where you are, in fact my AW got a DUI in 2008 with my son in the car! He wasn't even two months old at the time.
The main thing I wanted to ask, well actually I will just plant a thought in your head for you to consider. Is she breast feeding? I apologize again if this has been covered. I am just getting in and reconized your post right off the bat and felt the need to respond right away.
If she is can you bee 100% sure she is not doing it with alcohol running thru her system? It does go into the milk and is passed on. I came home a couple times to find my AW passed out on the bed trying to breast feed our son, it is not a good situation at all. Do what you have to for the childs protection bro!
P.R.
Just getting into work, so I have not had a chance to read your post in full detail yet. I have been where you are, in fact my AW got a DUI in 2008 with my son in the car! He wasn't even two months old at the time.
The main thing I wanted to ask, well actually I will just plant a thought in your head for you to consider. Is she breast feeding? I apologize again if this has been covered. I am just getting in and reconized your post right off the bat and felt the need to respond right away.
If she is can you bee 100% sure she is not doing it with alcohol running thru her system? It does go into the milk and is passed on. I came home a couple times to find my AW passed out on the bed trying to breast feed our son, it is not a good situation at all. Do what you have to for the childs protection bro!
P.R.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I was wondering about the breast feeding too... Jay please post and let us know how YOU are coping with all this. It's so much for you to deal with - a newborn, no family or friends nearby, an alcoholic mother, no childcare, a full-time job....
The way I got through that period of my life was literally one step at a time. First things first. The only way to move a mountain is one shovel at a time.
There is so much beauty in children - watching them grow. It puts it all in perspective I guess. They can give your life meaning (when you make them your priority and you aren't high or drunk). Your son will be the best thing that's ever happened in your life.
I hope you'll keep us posted...
The way I got through that period of my life was literally one step at a time. First things first. The only way to move a mountain is one shovel at a time.
There is so much beauty in children - watching them grow. It puts it all in perspective I guess. They can give your life meaning (when you make them your priority and you aren't high or drunk). Your son will be the best thing that's ever happened in your life.
I hope you'll keep us posted...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and help...as much as it's possible to help anyone in a situation like this via the Internet, I'm glad I posted. Some of you had some really good questions, so I thought I'd give a quick update.
Yes, she has been breastfeeding, but she's also been self-aware enough that she's been using frozen breastmilk that we had been stockpiling. We're running low on our stockpile unfortunately, so I may have to get some formula for the house as well. To the best of my knowledge she has never breastfed while drinking.
On the childcare front, I started the search process last night and have candidates flowing into my email already from a couple of local agencies as well as group daycare centers. Taking a half-sick-day today to be at home, may need another sick day tomorrow depending on how things go. She's not a maintenance drinker, she's a binge drinker, so if this episode peaked yesterday then we'll be able to talk about things in normal voices by tomorrow. If not, well, I'm hoping for temporary care that one of the local daycare centers can accommodate our need.
We happen to have a therapist that comes to our office every week for free consultations, so that's my plan as far as taking care of myself in the short term. Also looking into our employee assistance benefits for ideas on childcare.
Yes, she has been breastfeeding, but she's also been self-aware enough that she's been using frozen breastmilk that we had been stockpiling. We're running low on our stockpile unfortunately, so I may have to get some formula for the house as well. To the best of my knowledge she has never breastfed while drinking.
On the childcare front, I started the search process last night and have candidates flowing into my email already from a couple of local agencies as well as group daycare centers. Taking a half-sick-day today to be at home, may need another sick day tomorrow depending on how things go. She's not a maintenance drinker, she's a binge drinker, so if this episode peaked yesterday then we'll be able to talk about things in normal voices by tomorrow. If not, well, I'm hoping for temporary care that one of the local daycare centers can accommodate our need.
We happen to have a therapist that comes to our office every week for free consultations, so that's my plan as far as taking care of myself in the short term. Also looking into our employee assistance benefits for ideas on childcare.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Excellent! You are making good progress, here, and definitely the time to talk to her is when she isn't drinking.
Keep us posted on how it goes. We are all pulling for you, and for her. Nobody wants to see her lose her opportunity to have a wonderful life with a man who obviously loves her very much, and a child who needs her.
Keep us posted on how it goes. We are all pulling for you, and for her. Nobody wants to see her lose her opportunity to have a wonderful life with a man who obviously loves her very much, and a child who needs her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Well, today isn't going so great. Came home at lunchtime, and she had stopped drinking...but is now using my presence here as an excuse to go get more wine. At one point she said (quite bluntly) that she didn't think there was anything wrong or dangerous about drinking at home with the baby. Not really sure how to have a conversation when we're so far apart on this.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Trying to reason with an active alcoholic is like trying to reason with a tree. You aren't speaking the same language.
The active alcoholic only hears us saying blah, blah, blah. The active alcoholic will say or do anything to keep the calm as long as they can continue to drink.
The partner of the active alcoholic basically hears quack, quack, quack everytime the alcoholic speaks. The active alcoholic will twist, deny, blame-shift, manipulate, etc... leaving the normal person feeling twisted about like a pretzel.
So while she is justifying another drink picture the big white AFLAC duck
I don't want to make light of your situation, it is serious. I wanted to point out the lack of communication going on while our loved ones are active in their addiction. The addict may only be able to speak half truths, and only be half listening because the addiction is talking louder than we are.
Keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your son.
Here is a post that contains steps loved ones can take while living with active addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
The active alcoholic only hears us saying blah, blah, blah. The active alcoholic will say or do anything to keep the calm as long as they can continue to drink.
The partner of the active alcoholic basically hears quack, quack, quack everytime the alcoholic speaks. The active alcoholic will twist, deny, blame-shift, manipulate, etc... leaving the normal person feeling twisted about like a pretzel.
So while she is justifying another drink picture the big white AFLAC duck
I don't want to make light of your situation, it is serious. I wanted to point out the lack of communication going on while our loved ones are active in their addiction. The addict may only be able to speak half truths, and only be half listening because the addiction is talking louder than we are.
Keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your son.
Here is a post that contains steps loved ones can take while living with active addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by jayscott 
Not really sure how to have a conversation when we're so far apart on this.
Very sadly, and very often, you cannot talk to an active alcoholic about his/her problem, at least that's been the case with my alcoholic sister.
You are making good progress taking care of you and putting your son first.
I see a therapist regularly to help me cope with my alcoholic sister and our family dynamic, and it really helps a lot. Don't be afraid to open up and spill your guts--that's what they're there for!
Hang in there....
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Pelican
So while she is justifying another drink picture the big white AFLAC duck
I asked, "do you know why?" She answered "not really." She verbalizes that she knows she needs help but just isn't ready yet...not sure if that's a good thing or just another way of denying what's going on. Either way I'm just too emotionally exhausted to push any further right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Hi there and welcome,
I am an alcoholic, I am also a wife and a mother.
Has your wife sought treatment before for her alcoholism? You mention that this has been going on for years, but, not wether or not she has had periods of sobriety, or sought recovery.
You HAVE to be the voice of your son, who cannot speak for himself. An impaired mother, is just that, an impaired mother. Her judgement is impaired, her ability to tend to him and react in a emergency is impaired. She loves your son but, she is sick. She has a disease for which she can seek treatment. It is a disease that will get worse without treatment.
As Pelican says, it almost sounds as if she has cried out for help. I would call family members and explain the situation. You never know what several minds brainstorming
together can accomplish.
I must admit at times, I was drunk when caring for my children. It is only by the Grace of God that nothing terrible ever happened. I also know that when my husband made it clear to me that I would never be allowed to be in a position, drunk,that might endanger my children, it got my attention and I sought recovery.
I know your emotions must be tangled and how tough this situation must be...but, please, place a boundary on her drinking when she is alone with your child.
Peace..
I am an alcoholic, I am also a wife and a mother.
Has your wife sought treatment before for her alcoholism? You mention that this has been going on for years, but, not wether or not she has had periods of sobriety, or sought recovery.
You HAVE to be the voice of your son, who cannot speak for himself. An impaired mother, is just that, an impaired mother. Her judgement is impaired, her ability to tend to him and react in a emergency is impaired. She loves your son but, she is sick. She has a disease for which she can seek treatment. It is a disease that will get worse without treatment.
As Pelican says, it almost sounds as if she has cried out for help. I would call family members and explain the situation. You never know what several minds brainstorming
together can accomplish.
I must admit at times, I was drunk when caring for my children. It is only by the Grace of God that nothing terrible ever happened. I also know that when my husband made it clear to me that I would never be allowed to be in a position, drunk,that might endanger my children, it got my attention and I sought recovery.
I know your emotions must be tangled and how tough this situation must be...but, please, place a boundary on her drinking when she is alone with your child.
Peace..
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 13
jay...first off Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found this place. The people here are awesome.
Secondly, as the single mother of a two year old toddler, and ex partner to an abusive alcoholic, I tend to think that seeing as you're apparently the Grown Up in the relationship and since there's an infant *in danger* here, you may have to take steps which will irrevocably change your relationship with your wife.
You can't really afford to wait for her to find recovery or to "Get better through therapy" because you have to work all day and in the meantime, she sees no problem whatsoever getting blotto while caring for a baby.
I'm so glad you have support through your EAP.
I'm wondering if you wouldn't benefit from discussing your situation with a social worker who may be able to provide you and your AW with resources you hadn't previously considered. I don't know what available in your areas, but where I live, social workers are available at all local CLSCs (government sponsored health and social clinics), every day on a drop in basis, from 8 to 8. I consulted many social workers while I was dealing with my husband's alcoholism and abuse (during my pregnancy that is).
Honestly, I wouldn't wait around for her to get sober enough to have a talk with her. You've seen clear evidence that a talk won't amount to anything, and your baby is in danger every day she's alone with a drunk mother. I hate to say this, but there may come a time where you'll want CPS involved in this. I'm wondering if you would be held responsible if it was discovered that you knew your AW was actively drinking but took no drastic action to protect your baby. I don't want to be the bringer of bad news; I just hope to present to you some ideas/options.
Keep posting and reading. SR is always open!
Secondly, as the single mother of a two year old toddler, and ex partner to an abusive alcoholic, I tend to think that seeing as you're apparently the Grown Up in the relationship and since there's an infant *in danger* here, you may have to take steps which will irrevocably change your relationship with your wife.
You can't really afford to wait for her to find recovery or to "Get better through therapy" because you have to work all day and in the meantime, she sees no problem whatsoever getting blotto while caring for a baby.
I'm so glad you have support through your EAP.
I'm wondering if you wouldn't benefit from discussing your situation with a social worker who may be able to provide you and your AW with resources you hadn't previously considered. I don't know what available in your areas, but where I live, social workers are available at all local CLSCs (government sponsored health and social clinics), every day on a drop in basis, from 8 to 8. I consulted many social workers while I was dealing with my husband's alcoholism and abuse (during my pregnancy that is).
Honestly, I wouldn't wait around for her to get sober enough to have a talk with her. You've seen clear evidence that a talk won't amount to anything, and your baby is in danger every day she's alone with a drunk mother. I hate to say this, but there may come a time where you'll want CPS involved in this. I'm wondering if you would be held responsible if it was discovered that you knew your AW was actively drinking but took no drastic action to protect your baby. I don't want to be the bringer of bad news; I just hope to present to you some ideas/options.
Keep posting and reading. SR is always open!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
I feel sick to my stomach about it, but I just talked with her mom...she knew about problems in the past and was worried about what would happen after the pregnancy anyway. Part of me knows it was the right thing to do, but at the same time I'm nauseous about what comes next. Every negative emotion and insecurity is going to aimed at me when her mom shows up at our door. Probably won't be until next week, air travel is involved.
Why is it that I feel like such a traitor? A bad husband? I know these things aren't true, and yet I'm still feeling like I just destroyed her chances of recovery.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
Why is it that I feel like such a traitor? A bad husband? I know these things aren't true, and yet I'm still feeling like I just destroyed her chances of recovery.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
You're not a bad husband, you're a good father. You don't have the power to determine the outcome of your wife's recovery, if that's what she chooses to pursue.
I don't normally post on this 'side', but occasionally the titles of some threads jump out at me, like yours did.
I'm a new mommy (I have an 8month old), I'm a wife, and I'm an alcoholic. I began my recovery well before getting pregnant with my son, but I just wanted to pop in here and give you a load of support for what you're doing and about to face.
I'm thrilled to read that you're no longer letting her watch lil baby alone, a lot of times that doesn't happen, so kudos for that.
I know when my alcoholism was 'active', NOTHING else in my world mattered. I didn't matter. My pets (that's all I had at the time
), my husband.. my family.. nothing. At the time, however.. I thought it all mattered, I thought I was being a loving wife, daughter, sister, pet-mama, but I was incredibly neglectful of those relationships. I cannot even FATHOM drinking and caring for a baby. Even more so than the literal drinking, but the abyss in which your wife is likely in mentally and emotionally. It's not POSSIBLE to be a safe and attentive mother in active addiction, in my opinion.
I wish there was a magic wand here and she could just got to AA, quit drinking and live a happy recovery life, but I'm not really reading that this is even what she wants at this time, which is the most critical thing. When I used to say "I'll do this on my own" or "I will take care of it", it was just to buy me more time to drink, and fail, and drink about failing. That was fine, as I wasn't responsible for anyone else but me at the time, but your wife is responsible, in part at least, for that little precious life.. and she just can't be that person right now.
This will be a hard road for you, and I hope you're finding ways to care for yourself. Your son is obviously your priority, and ANYTHING it takes to protect his safety has to be number one right now.
I'm glad you found SR, please come here often for support.. for me it's been absolutely wonderful.
I don't normally post on this 'side', but occasionally the titles of some threads jump out at me, like yours did.
I'm a new mommy (I have an 8month old), I'm a wife, and I'm an alcoholic. I began my recovery well before getting pregnant with my son, but I just wanted to pop in here and give you a load of support for what you're doing and about to face.
I'm thrilled to read that you're no longer letting her watch lil baby alone, a lot of times that doesn't happen, so kudos for that.
I know when my alcoholism was 'active', NOTHING else in my world mattered. I didn't matter. My pets (that's all I had at the time
), my husband.. my family.. nothing. At the time, however.. I thought it all mattered, I thought I was being a loving wife, daughter, sister, pet-mama, but I was incredibly neglectful of those relationships. I cannot even FATHOM drinking and caring for a baby. Even more so than the literal drinking, but the abyss in which your wife is likely in mentally and emotionally. It's not POSSIBLE to be a safe and attentive mother in active addiction, in my opinion.I wish there was a magic wand here and she could just got to AA, quit drinking and live a happy recovery life, but I'm not really reading that this is even what she wants at this time, which is the most critical thing. When I used to say "I'll do this on my own" or "I will take care of it", it was just to buy me more time to drink, and fail, and drink about failing. That was fine, as I wasn't responsible for anyone else but me at the time, but your wife is responsible, in part at least, for that little precious life.. and she just can't be that person right now.
This will be a hard road for you, and I hope you're finding ways to care for yourself. Your son is obviously your priority, and ANYTHING it takes to protect his safety has to be number one right now.
I'm glad you found SR, please come here often for support.. for me it's been absolutely wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by jayscott
Why is it that I feel like such a traitor? A bad husband? I know these things aren't true, and yet I'm still feeling like I just destroyed her chances of recovery.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
Just remember the alcoholic in your life will always try to hide their problem. They will never want anyone else in involved. They will never want you to get any help. They will always want to keep it their little secret. At least that's what I've found in my 25 years of trying to get my mom sober. I'm done trying and I'm done hiding out of embarrassment or secrecy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by jayscott
I feel sick to my stomach about it, but I just talked with her mom...she knew about problems in the past and was worried about what would happen after the pregnancy anyway. Part of me knows it was the right thing to do, but at the same time I'm nauseous about what comes next. Every negative emotion and insecurity is going to aimed at me when her mom shows up at our door. Probably won't be until next week, air travel is involved.
Why is it that I feel like such a traitor? A bad husband? I know these things aren't true, and yet I'm still feeling like I just destroyed her chances of recovery.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
Why is it that I feel like such a traitor? A bad husband? I know these things aren't true, and yet I'm still feeling like I just destroyed her chances of recovery.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
I am a mother who drank, and I thank my HP every day for the man that was my supervisor who "told" on me. Once I admitted to my problem, the entire recovery force of the US Army was behind me to get sober.
You are being a good husband and father by doing your best (and it is hard to do) to get help for your wife.
Try not to expect the negative emotions aimed at you, just wait and see what happens. She could be relieved that someone finally said "i have had enough, and you will not hurt our son."
I would be glad her mother is there to support you and talk to her about her problem. Usually, we moms don't like to see it. Bless both of you.
Beth
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by jayscott
I'm still feeling like I just destroyed her chances of recovery.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
Addiction is a vicious beast.
Also, you did not destroy her chances at recovery. You are not that powerful. Her recovery (or not) is in her hands. Not yours, not her mother's. We (loved ones of alcoholics) sometimes delude ourselves into thinking we have some power over the addict or their addiction. It's not true. The only power we have is to protect ourselves and our children from the destruction. Good on you for doing it sooner rather than later.
L
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Also, you did not destroy her chances at recovery. You are not that powerful. Her recovery (or not) is in her hands. Not yours, not her mother's. We (loved ones of alcoholics) sometimes delude ourselves into thinking we have some power over the addict or their addiction. It's not true. The only power we have is to protect ourselves and our children from the destruction. Good on you for doing it sooner rather than later.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Jay,
I'm sorry for that incredibly unhelpful post up there. I thought I was replying just when you had said you had come home and she wanted to go out and get more wine--kinda didn't know what else to offer at that moment.
Here it turns out you have called her mom and everything.
Wow, you are doing all the right stuff. I'm an alcoholic, too, and fortunately when my own drinking really took off the kids were mostly with their dad. Still, I am ashamed when I think of the times my new partner (also alcoholic) and I were impaired when the kids were with me. It was wrong, and I'm very lucky nothing terrible ever happened. Even with that, I was "absent" in the sense of being distracted much of the time. NOT a good mom.
I am so impressed with how you are handling things. Please don't forget to take good care of yourself, too. It's great how you have dived in here, but some face-to-face support at Al-Anon, when you can manage it, will be very helpful to you, I think.
I'm sorry for that incredibly unhelpful post up there. I thought I was replying just when you had said you had come home and she wanted to go out and get more wine--kinda didn't know what else to offer at that moment.
Here it turns out you have called her mom and everything.
Wow, you are doing all the right stuff. I'm an alcoholic, too, and fortunately when my own drinking really took off the kids were mostly with their dad. Still, I am ashamed when I think of the times my new partner (also alcoholic) and I were impaired when the kids were with me. It was wrong, and I'm very lucky nothing terrible ever happened. Even with that, I was "absent" in the sense of being distracted much of the time. NOT a good mom.
I am so impressed with how you are handling things. Please don't forget to take good care of yourself, too. It's great how you have dived in here, but some face-to-face support at Al-Anon, when you can manage it, will be very helpful to you, I think.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
It's so strange...I like to think of myself as a reasonably smart guy, rational, I've read the literature, I know that I don't have any power over the disease. If anything, I only have the ability to make situations worse. I tell myself I'm not going to get angry or make false demands or listen to promises I know she can't keep. I know, from reading all of the feedback here, that I'm not the only person who's been here and that the emotional outbursts in my mind are just a way of trying to turn chaos into order.
And yet at the same time, it's such a lonely moment. I broke down when she came back with a glass of wine because I knew it would probably be 2 days before I can have a conversation with my wife. I'm staring at my sleeping son, feeling nothing but guilt and shame for bringing him into such a difficult life.
I've never really been a spiritual person but moments like these make putting your trust in something greater than yourself sound very comforting. In the meantime, I've got a hungry baby and only 3 packets of frozen breastmilk. I guess tomorrow we switch to formula.
And yet at the same time, it's such a lonely moment. I broke down when she came back with a glass of wine because I knew it would probably be 2 days before I can have a conversation with my wife. I'm staring at my sleeping son, feeling nothing but guilt and shame for bringing him into such a difficult life.
I've never really been a spiritual person but moments like these make putting your trust in something greater than yourself sound very comforting. In the meantime, I've got a hungry baby and only 3 packets of frozen breastmilk. I guess tomorrow we switch to formula.
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