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AH wasnt to go to my Alanon mtg?????

Old 11-17-2010, 12:32 PM
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Angry AH wasnt to go to my Alanon mtg?????

Should I let him go w/ me?!? He asked me if he could go and I am wondering for those of you who have been there should I what are the rules? Will he even be allowed in the meeting? I want to be able to go there and speak freely about my pain. I think I am going to go alone. I do not need him there w/ all of his "stuff & issues" bringing me down. This is mine and is for me. The last four years have been about him and I have had enough!!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:35 PM
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If it were me, I'd tell him no. I might also suggest that he check out an AA meeting while I'm at my al-anon meeting.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:36 PM
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Sorry he said he wanted to be "nice" and offer to go w/ me. So he can manipulate this situation also? No way!! Keep your buns at home!!!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:39 PM
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Thanks!

I can not offer anymore suggestions to him good or bad.

I had another panic attack last night just talking about our past together. My heart was racing and I had pain in my chest.

All of my anger that I have. Him drinking vodka the night we brought our first born son home and verbally abusing me in front of his mother making me call the police and running out in the dead of winter w/ a 7 day old newborn baby!!!

I cannot forget any of it and the more i think about it I almost despise him. He is still sleeping in the guest bedroom and I am scared that I will never ask him to sleep in the same bed w/ me again. There are so many other occurrences that I have dealt w/ and turned a cheek when he was drinking. How embarrased he has made me and changed my view of myself. It is depressing....
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:42 PM
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Well, you have every right to go to your meeting alone. He has no business horning in. Just tell him you appreciate the offer but you prefer to go alone. I'm sure he just wants to know what is going to be said and it's really none of his business.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:42 PM
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NO way! It will inhibit your ability to share, he will perhaps criticize what happens there, undermine you and
Dont take that chance.
If he is so curious he can go to a different alanon meeting somewhere else.
I just had a big red flag reaction to that without even being able to recall any of your story.
That just feels really unsafe and too entangled.
He can go to his own meeting! This is for you to learn tools to cope with his addiction!
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:43 PM
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I would leave him home too. You might find it difficult to relax and share if he's there peering over your shoulder. There's also the chance that he may use any info there against you at a later stage...not sure if he's that kind of bloke though.

My exA used to tell me I was nuts for coming on this site, that al-anon was about him and how dare I want to go to a support group to sit around and try and figure him out...
He'd also be nice sometimes and listen whilst I explained things about codependency only to use them against me or throw them in my face the next time he was in a rage.

I soon learnt that his stuff is his and mine was mine and it was better kept that way.

If your BF is being sincere then that is a nice offer but I would still politely decline and point him towards an AA meeting if he's that interesting in support groups.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:46 PM
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OK, I read a bit. ... NO WAY! it feels to me like he only wants to gather ammunitions, to know what "they" are going to be feeding you there in terms of tools and information.

It feels controlling.

Alanon is for you. Maybe, just go to one without telling him, tell him you are going to the grocery, to see a frined, to a coffeshop. Then go to your meeting.

I would NOT feel safe with my A at an alanon meeting with me.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:49 PM
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"honey, can I go with you to the al-An.."

"-No. Bye!"

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Old 11-17-2010, 12:52 PM
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He is my AH

We have two little ones (3 yrs old and 19 months old). Today Eva Longoria Parker filed for divorce. I am so envious of her. If I had her money I would've left the night after I ran into the winter cold w/ my newborn son who was born premature. God help me!

Today I put away some more money into my savings. I have a 1 year plan. Trying to figure out how much money I can stash away in a year. If there is one more episode and I know there will be I am gone for good.
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:02 PM
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sassyea: Most Alanon meetings are "closed meetings" meaning they are for Friends and Family members ONLY. So that's pretty black and white.

By the way, most AA meetings are closed meetings and so are for Addicts only. You would not be welcome at those.
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
We have two little ones (3 yrs old and 19 months old). Today Eva Longoria Parker filed for divorce. I am so envious of her. If I had her money I would've left the night after I ran into the winter cold w/ my newborn son who was born premature. God help me!

Today I put away some more money into my savings. I have a 1 year plan. Trying to figure out how much money I can stash away in a year. If there is one more episode and I know there will be I am gone for good.
Hon, if you are in danger, please call a domestic violence hotline. No one has to put up with violence. Please keep yourself and your children safe.
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:37 PM
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Call and ask for support. Also ask for referral to services offered in your areas. If you just start looking, I think you'll find that there are more resources out there than you're aware of.
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:44 PM
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Well done...

I'm proud of you for finding a meeting and I'm proud of you for saying no to him. There is no scenario in which him going to a meeting with you is appropriate, and you are correct he wanted to be there to manipulate the situation.

Stay strong.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
Sorry he said he wanted to be "nice" and offer to go w/ me. So he can manipulate this situation also? No way!! Keep your buns at home!!!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:58 PM
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I wouldn't even tell him where I was going..does he extend that courtesy to you?
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:13 PM
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Sassyea,
I just want to let you know I agree with the above posters ^^^. You have every right to not want him to go to your AlAnon meetings and every right to refuse, IMO. Good for you for going to AlAnon and taking steps toward living a healthier life! Way to go!
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