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Old 08-12-2010, 08:44 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Things are much improved today. Lots of firsts. First time she's thrown away alcohol, first time she's thrown away cigarettes (she only smokes when she drinks), first time she let me call a treatment center to ask about options. She isn't ready to go to a facility, but she is ready to have somebody come to the house to help and is ready to try AA (again, another first). Somebody earlier said to take things a day at a time, so I'll see if any of this sticks tomorrow morning, but I think she scared herself.

She also said she wanted to talk to her doc about post-partum depression... and she never goes to doctors. So I'm just saying a few little prayers and doing what I can to encourage this direction. Small steps, but the first ones she's ever taken.
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:48 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Good to hear all that, Jay. I hope it is the beginning of recovery for all of you. I know it isn't easy for you or her. May I say that I think you have handled this thing remarkably. I wish you all the very best of luck and please, don't feel like you have to post every day, but do, please, keep us updated.
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:45 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Sounds like some good progress, so far. I hope amidst all this struggle, you're finding a few moments (I know that's near impossible with a newborn!) for yourself. One word of caution (I'm not always gloom and doom!), I went to my doctor after I had my son to talk about post partum depression/anxiety, and he ended up just telling me it was normal, and writing me a giant prescription for anti-anxiety meds- Xanax (benzos, HIGHLY addictive) and sent me on my way. I took a few that day, and felt like I had taken a few shots of vodka. I threw them out. I know alcohol is your wife's 'drug of choice', but newly sober, a new 'high' might be tempting to abuse. She can ask the doctor about non-medicinal alternatives to treat whatever he deems is going on, like counseling, relaxation therapy, mom groups, yoga (etc)..
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Old 08-13-2010, 06:07 AM   #64 (permalink)
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I agree with Flutter--While there might be some post-partum depression going on, you also said that she had an alcohol problem before she got pregnant. When we stop drinking for a time and we go back to it, it's often worse than it was when we stopped.

Make sure her doc knows about her history--that this isn't a recent development.

Often, with sobriety, depression lifts significantly.

Keep us posted, we are all pulling for the three of you.
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Old 08-13-2010, 06:11 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by jayscott View Post
Things are much improved today. Lots of firsts. First time she's thrown away alcohol, first time she's thrown away cigarettes (she only smokes when she drinks), first time she let me call a treatment center to ask about options. She isn't ready to go to a facility, but she is ready to have somebody come to the house to help and is ready to try AA (again, another first). Somebody earlier said to take things a day at a time, so I'll see if any of this sticks tomorrow morning, but I think she scared herself.

She also said she wanted to talk to her doc about post-partum depression... and she never goes to doctors. So I'm just saying a few little prayers and doing what I can to encourage this direction. Small steps, but the first ones she's ever taken.
JayScott,
These are honest questions:
How do you know she threw away the alcohol?
How do you know she threw away the cigarettes?
What do you mean she "let you" call a treatment center? Why couldn't you call the treatment center before?

I want to tell you that when I decided to get sober, I told no one, I just did it.
When I decided to quit smoking, I told no one, I just did it.
And MY treatment has always been MY responsibility.

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Old 08-13-2010, 12:33 PM   #66 (permalink)
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JayScott,
These are honest questions:
How do you know she threw away the alcohol?
How do you know she threw away the cigarettes?
What do you mean she "let you" call a treatment center? Why couldn't you call the treatment center before?

I want to tell you that when I decided to get sober, I told no one, I just did it.
When I decided to quit smoking, I told no one, I just did it.
And MY treatment has always been MY responsibility.

I realize my post was pretty brief, didn't have all the details. I know she threw them away because I was sitting on the couch and she just randomly got up and said "I can't even look at these anymore" and did it. The context for the treatment center was she asked me to call...I could always have called on my own, but in my mind there wasn't much point when I knew she wasn't open to a conversation.

If I hadn't seen any of it with my own eyes, I'd be asking the same questions. I've done too much dumpster diving in the past to see what really happened, and have been deceived by words enough times to only trust what I can observe.
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:45 PM   #67 (permalink)
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I guess I am just skeptical. I hope she was serious and you and your family are in my prayers. Please take good care of yourself.
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:25 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I know first hand how using or drinking can affect parenting. I am an addict and a mother to an almost-two-year-old boy. A few of the ways I have put him in danger:

breastfeeding drunk and high
driving with him in the car high
One time I got high and he locked himself in the bathroom and turned the bathtub on. By the time my husband got home, it was overflowing, luckily he hadn't gotten in!
He left right out the unlocked front door and got about half a mile down the road. Thankfully the cops found him and brought him home. I was sleeping and didn't even know he was gone!

Those are just a few examples. Daily life was so chaotic while using and caring for him. I hope your wife gets the help she needs.
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Old 08-13-2010, 10:08 PM   #69 (permalink)
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jayscott I just read all and my gut said please don't drop your boundaries. It is great that she is pouring things down the drain, throwing cigs away and asking you to call for treatment. But she can still go buy more and if she is serious why is she not calling for treatment. Trust what you see right in front of you and not what you hope will happen.

I cannot even count how many times stbxah promised to stop drinking and drugging. First it was I promise if you marry me I will really stop. Then when we adopted our first son--we almost lost him because although he told me he was not getting high anymore-he failed his urine test. He came home, gathered all his parephenalia together while crying and drove off to throw it away. He was back to drinking and drugging shortly after older DS came home.

Addiction is a horrific beast. I am also the daughter of an alcoholic. No one can stop them but them. It is great you are taking care of your son. You also need to make sure you are taking care of you. You are carrying a heavy load and your son needs one parent that is whole--that is going to be you so make sure you take advantage of all the help people are willing to give you. EAP is great--can they help you with child care options after your MIL leaves?

When your wife's mom arrives--will she take over the care of your son regardless of what your wife/her daughter says so you have some peace of mind?

Note on the breast milk--contact the local hospitals. There are many donor moms who provide milk and you may be able to get breast milk there--especially given the circumstances. They may even give you the name of a donor who can provide you with breast milk. I had a friend who was a donor and while your situation is different than some-she would not have hesitated to provide breast milk for someone in your situation.
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Old 08-14-2010, 03:35 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Jay,
Just wanted to add a note here. A friend was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis- heard voices telling her to do bad things. she went to hospital right away, and they treated it.
I would not leave baby alone with mom, just to be safe. post partum depression can be bad, but treated . and not to be underestimated, in my opinion.
prayers for the best for you all.
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Old 08-14-2010, 04:47 AM   #71 (permalink)
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I'm going to be a big ol' Debbie Downer here and say "Talk is cheap". The grand gestures of throwing away booze and ciggies may be impressive, but if she wants to get herself well, SHE will take action, daily, to make it happen. It's a lifelong struggle. Also, the fact that she asked you to call irks me. It makes me wonder why she didn't do it herself.

If there wasn't a child involved here, a nursing INFANT, I would still say to be wary of the situation, and to keep focusing on your own recovery because you might end up being disappointed by her grand gestures and statements. But since there IS a nursing infant involved, it seems to be it's your responsibility to ensure that your AW is not left alone with her child because of the potential danger she poses him. The suggestion of a mother's helper is excellent. A lot of new moms make use of that same service simply to give themselves a break. Have you been able to talk about all this with her doctor? A social worker? You need some support to see you through this jayscott.

Keep us posted, please!
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:46 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Well, it's been 3 months since I posted on this thread. You might say there's been a lot going on. There was a big showdown a few weeks after my last post, which ultimately resulted in my wife going into detox and an inpatient rehab program and family coming out to help take care of the baby. Lasted in rehab about 3 weeks. Relapsed 3 days later, back in the ER 3 days after that on alcohol and xanax. Sober for a week, then drunk again. Through all of this she managed to get two CPS reports filed against her by the hospital.

Her mom is staying with us to watch the baby, while I've moved finances around and talked to an attorney. She started going to AA last week (one meeting per week), started seeing a therapist (again, once a week). That's as far as she's willing to go. I can see the tension building up inside of her the past few days (she's been sober for about 10 days now), I hate being so cynical but it seems like only a matter of time before another crash.

I know this sounds like a rather sad post, but I actually wanted to say thank you to everyone who had commented earlier...that was the beginning of finding myself again. Her family and I still say a prayer for her now and then, and hope that she chooses a more aggressive course of treatment and support, but accept that it's out of our hands.
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Old 11-17-2010, 05:03 PM   #73 (permalink)
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I'm so glad you came back to give us an update. You are doing all you can do. As long as your priority is keeping your baby safe, you'll do fine. It's so sad to watch our loved ones make such terrible choices, but we really are helpless in that area.

I hope things work out well for your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 11-17-2010, 05:20 PM   #74 (permalink)
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I know this sounds like a rather sad post, but I actually wanted to say thank you to everyone who had commented earlier...that was the beginning of finding myself again. Her family and I still say a prayer for her now and then, and hope that she chooses a more aggressive course of treatment and support, but accept that it's out of our hands.
yes, it is sad that she is not choosing active recovery right now,
but for you and your family to be realistic and accepting it is up to her is big.
Now, you can take care of you and the baby.
Let your wife take care of herself.
Certainly, I will keep you and your family in my prayers Jay.

Beth
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:29 PM   #75 (permalink)
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I wish for the best for you in this situation, I know how hard it is to deal with the stress and loss you feel. My wife is in the same situation with not being able to stop drinking and a baby.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:40 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Her mom is staying with us to watch the baby, while I've moved finances around and talked to an attorney. She started going to AA last week (one meeting per week), started seeing a therapist (again, once a week). That's as far as she's willing to go. I can see the tension building up inside of her the past few days (she's been sober for about 10 days now), I hate being so cynical but it seems like only a matter of time before another crash.

I know this sounds like a rather sad post, but I actually wanted to say thank you to everyone who had commented earlier...that was the beginning of finding myself again. Her family and I still say a prayer for her now and then, and hope that she chooses a more aggressive course of treatment and support, but accept that it's out of our hands.
You could have been writing my story. It is sad, but you situation came to a head about 4 years before mine did. For that you may be grateful one day.

Good to see you're taking the necessary steps to protect yourself and your little boy. Glad her mom is in there helping, I had the opposite experience.

My wife also got a CPS report courtesy of the hospital emergency room. In retrospect it was a God send for me.

When the time comes CPS will be a very good ally in the custody proceedings. I'm convinced that without CPS in my corner I'd have never gotten custody of my daughter.

I don't know how I missed your earlier thread, but I'm very glad you came to update. In a weird way, I'd consider your story a success, you got out relatively quickly with your boy semi unscathed.

I hope one day you'll be able to look back with gratitude.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:48 PM   #77 (permalink)
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I remember being in the same place as you. Thankfully, my boys were old enough to talk to tell me exactly what was going on. My STBEXAH was not only drinking around them, but also driving with them in the car. As everyone else has said, this disease is progressive, it will get worse. Take precautions for your child. Keep reading and posting, it really does help. I have learned so much, and it has given me the strength to do what I need to do for myself and my children.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:54 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Well , I work with drug/alcohol exposed children and I can say that I am so glad that your baby has people willing to step in. Adults can do whatever they want to eah other..fine.But your baby has no say, no power, and depends on you to make the right decisions for his care.
Mom is an adult and can find help.Your baby needs you and your family to thrive. Hope those CPS reports and hospital stays work in your favor when(if) the time comes. Keep up all yout good work and enjoy that baby! It goes by so fast and you don't want to miss one thing being distracted by your wife's addiction.
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