jayscott

I'm writing this out of a desperate need to just say some things out loud, and to do it in a way that doesn't aggravate an already bad situation. My wife has been an alcoholic for several years now...maybe 8, I'm not exactly sure when it started. We've had a really rough year, which started with an unexpected pregnancy that convinced her to stop drinking entirely.

Our new baby, the beautiful miracle that he is, is now one month old. Last week, she started drinking again and has only been able to control it for a day or two at a time. I am at work all day during the week, and now I'm terrified about all the things that could happen with a drunk mother and a newborn. She texted me today to confess to me that she had been drinking today, and now I'm completely frozen as to what to do. In some ways it was a big step for her to not be secretive about what's going on (normally she tries to hide it), but at the same time I don't want her to think that it's "OK" just because she fessed up.

We've had some horrible fights while she's drunk. I don't want to do that again, but I don't know if I can be around her tonight while she's drunk, but I DEFINITELY can't leave her alone with the baby. When she's sober, she talks about how she knows she needs to do it herself and that she'll "figure it out" but never takes the conversation further than the abstract notion that she'll eventually figure out what she needs to do.

What would you do? It's such an emotional blur at the moment that all sorts of irrational ideas are spinning in my head.

suki44883

Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.

The most important thing is the safety of your infant son. Finding someone dependable to watch him during the day while you are at work would be a first good step. Making sure that she is never alone with him while she is drinking is another. It only takes a second for something tragic to happen.

jayscott

If we had family in the area, I would be inviting them for a visit. As it is, the nearest family member is 1500 miles away...and we haven't lived here long enough to have any friends that I would trust like that. Daycare for a 1-month-old is almost impossible (and impossibly expensive). Feeling very stuck.

Learn2Live

I do not have any advice but want to offer my welcome and support. Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?

suki44883

Call the family and let them know what is going on. With everyone putting their heads together, you are bound to come up with a workable plan. Perhaps a family member can fly out to where you are and stay for a week or so while you look into other arrangements. Do you have a church home you could go to for help? If it comes right down to it, you might have to take a couple of days off work to find other options. This is too important to just hope for the best.

LaTeeDa

Almost impossible doesn't equal impossible. A private caregiver is probably the best option for a child so young. I understand the concern and resentment about the cost, but compared to risking the safety and well-being of your son, the expense is worth it. Having been married to an alcoholic for 18+ years and two children, I can tell you that it gets very expensive in a lot of ways. Childcare is but one of them.

L

jayscott

Went to a few Al-Anon meetings in our old town, which got me through some rough patches. Was going to look one up tonight but need to get home to the baby first. Definitely going to get that back on my calendar though...

LexieCat

I'm sure it IS expensive, but you would never forgive yourself if something tragic happened. I see it all the time in my work--impaired parents who forget the baby in the bath, fall and drop the baby, fall asleep with the stove on.

I don't see that you have much choice, if she won't get help.

hello-kitty

Hi. Welcome. I am a mother who has been raising a child on her own since he was an infant and paying for it all by herself. There are childcare options available for infants as young as one month. And if you look into it closely, you can find relatively affordable care. I mean, it's not cheap. But there are less expensive and more expensive options. And if you need it, financial help is available from the government. You can get a discount.... or coupons to help you pay. There are also non profit organizations (here we have one called Childhaven) that can help. And Catholic Community Services will also provide FREE emergency childcare. I'm sure there are more resources as well.

Child Care Resources is a national organization that may be able to help you with permanent childcare solutions. Drunk people can't be relied upon to take good care of children. Please do whats best for your child. And for you. You'd never be able to live with the guilt if something happened. It's just not worth it. You may also want to look into your available FMLA time. 12 weeks of guaranteed (unpaid) leave for parents of newborn children.

Good luck Jay. Keep reading and posting. There is help for you too. To help you deal with this situation. Bring the baby to Alanon with you.

I know it's hard. I know. But it's a life or death situation when it comes to an infant.

jayscott

This is probably the direction I'm going to look for now. It's not so much about the money (we all do what we must) as it is finding someone trustworthy and surviving the conversation with my wife. It's pretty unlikely that she'll agree to outside care which means a confrontation that's going to require external support...

LexieCat

I second the idea of contacting family members, taking a leave of absence if necessary, and finding a good individual to care for the baby right now. When I went back to work we interviewed several people and were lucky enough to find a retirement-aged lady who cared for my kids up until they moved, and she still keeps in touch with them.

I normally am not big on "interventions" but if you and the family do one, it just might wake her up.

LaTeeDa

This is where boundaries come in handy. (Something Alanon can help with.) You are making a decision based on the current facts, that is in the best interests of your son. There is no agreement required on her part. Especially since it is her actions that are putting your son at risk.

"Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

L

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

There isn't anything rational about a relationship with an active alcoholic. You are not alone in having crazy thoughts and feelings right now. We have had them too.

Hi I'm Pelican, and I'm a recovering alcoholic. And a mom.
And a recovering ex of an alcoholic spouse. Also a recovering codependent.

Your wifes text may have been a cry for help.
As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that making it ok is not helping her.
As an alcoholic, she wants you to make her feel like it is ok; that you still love her, and you will give her another chance. She wants to believe that you will let her try again tomorrow.

She may beg, plead, cry and throw a tantrum.

But your son needs protection from her addiction.

She needs to tackle the addiction.
She needs you to take care of the baby.

Alcohol is a depressant. I know from experience that post-partum depression and alcohol are not a healthy combination for a new mom.

You will need to make the decision that is best for you at this time. It may not be a popular decision for everyone involved.

We are here to offer you support, strength and hope whatever you choose.

wanting

I know you see that it's a serious situation, but sometimes it's hard to see just how serious it is when you are in the thick of the situation. Not only could something happen to your child (worst case scenario), but he could also be taken away by CPS (bad scenario but very likely if you don't deal with this right away). His doctor, your wife's doctor, they are mandatory reporters. I think that you need to act quickly for the sake of your son. If something happened to him, you'd lose them both. If CPS steps in, trust me, it will be a heck of a lot harder to deal with than it would be to deal with it now.

I really feel for you. I can't imagine what this must be like.

silkspin

I remember when our daughter was born, and my husband said that she now inspired him to be a better man. But the drinking continued anyway. And it's quite clear to me these days how horrifying this disease really is because even that beautiful miracle could not stop him from drinking. My husband recently started again after a period of sobriety and I'm still trying to process how quickly he down-spiraled. It's like once he's had a taste of it again, it's a headfirst dive right back in the swimming pool. I fear your wife may have this same experience as it was likely a 'forced' abstinence due to the pregnancy rather than a true turn towards recovery.

I can tell you how extremely difficult it was for me (a non-addict) to cope with new motherhood. Your body is still healing one month later, and a newborn is overwhelming to say the least. There were times where I felt barely able to cope on such little sleep - they need such constant care. Let me tell you, if I added a drink on top of that - in my opinion it would make it near impossible to function.

Now my situation is reverse of yours since I'm the main caretaker but even in my case I really felt his lack of support when he was drinking. He was a weekend binger so the days where I could conceivably get a break, he was out partying and then recuperating from hangovers. One night both baby and I caught a gastro, and I was literally vomiting my guts out all night while trying to tend to a crying, also vomiting baby, calling out to him, and it was futile because he was passed out like a rock.

My experience is that when he's had even one, all bets are off. I cannot trust him to be any kind of caretaker for a child, because I know that one can lead to many, regardless of what's around him. The selfish disease takes over, and I consider that a dangerous situation for my child (now 3).

My child is my priority, and although he talked the talk about her inspiring him to be a better man, I have walked that walk of her inspiring me. I told him to leave when she was 18 months and we reconciled after he got sober. He has recently re-started drinking, and I told him just yesterday what my current boundaries are (until I can get clarity on what I need to do for me and my girl right now). If he's drinking, he cannot sleep in our bed. If he's drinking, he cannot be with his daughter. If I find out he has been drinking while I'm out and he's with her, it's an absolute dealbreaker and I pack my things and walk straight out the door. He has gone back to AA right now, but I'm in protection mode because trust has been broken.

I love my husband but my child is priority one; she cannot protect herself. Please do whatever it takes to protect your baby. Is it possible for you to leave and go home to your family from wherever you are?

Chloe60

Jayscott, your wife is lucky she married you. Your son clearly needs you to intervene somehow, and since your wife confessed maybe she is ready for it too.

Personally, I am the daughter of an alcoholic. From my experience, the big "intervention" with my father was uncomfortable and unsuccessful, but on the flipside I am now an adult alcoholic and my husband's quiet, strong, constant, suportive help has been far more successful. Having a baby is VERY stressful. Hopefully you/she can work with her current doctors and find caretakers while she continues her postpartum recovery. Best wishes and God Bless the 3 of you!

FarawayFromCars

Hi Jay,

Just wanted to say welcome to SR and sorry you're going through such a tough situation. Others will be along soon to help you with your particular situation, but we can all relate in one sense or another as we all have dealt / are dealing with an alcoholic in our lives.
I would second the idea of learning about boundaries and finding ways to put your son's safety first. She is choosing to drink and possibly endanger your infant, but you can make choices to make sure you keep him safe.
Sending you good thoughts.

HopesandDreams

Just want to say first off I am so sorry you are going through this and that there are alot of us who have been or are in this situation. I remember being at work and being terrified for my children being with my ah. One day it occured to me that if something were to happen to them in his "drunk care" I could have never forgiven myself. That is when I let go of my pride and called up my mom and told her what was going on. She stepped in and watched the kids for me then while I was at work. This actually was one of the things that led my husband to treatment as he felt so sad and guilty that he could not care for our children. We as parents and the "sober ones" need to think of the safety of our children first. If it is at all possible find another caregiver for your child when you are at work. You will feel such a load off of your shoulders if you do.

catlovermi

Does your wife WANT to quit? Does she WANT help stopping? You didn't specify. Because if she DOES, then you can suggest AA to her. If she WANTS help and is too fearful to go to a meeting, she can call the AA phone number and ask for people to come meet her on a 12th step call, just so she meets some people who know where she is at and have walked her shoes and achieved sobriety and life on life's terms. They will envelop her and help her in any way that she needs, to approach sobriety. Like Pelican said, her admittance to drinking may be a cry for help, that she wants to quit. To do this, she needs others who have succeeded and who can help her. She needs support from the "experts," which you are not.

If she does not WANT to quit, then you're limited to boundaries and Alanon for yourself and son.

Your son definitely needs your judgment when it comes to care for him. If she's actively drinking, even if only in binges, then she's considered utterly unreliable. It's a game of roulette.

CLMI

Thumper

Can you take FMLA from your job until the baby is 3mos old? That will give you time to find good childcare and childcare is much easier to find for a 3 month old then a 1 month old.

My alcoholic spouse watched our children. I finally did put them in childcare but not as soon as I should have. I have so much regret and shame over delaying that now.