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Don't know what to do---help!

Old 07-28-2010, 02:54 PM
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Don't know what to do---help!

I jsut don't know what to do. What can I do for my spouse?? What couald I do for me that would be beneficial ?

Went to the docs thsi week. My mood was very much better when I saw him than now. My spouse says that we can no longer dixuss alcohol in anyway anymore because it depresses HIM! Like what is up here. I know I need to be more assertive with him, but it hardly seems worth the physical and mental effort as I always have it wrong in his head.

Just wish I wasn't feeling so lost and helpless against this disease
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:12 PM
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You can't do anything for your spouse.

There is much you can do for yourself.

Are you attending Alanon? Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie yet?

Can you clarify what you mean by being more assertive with him?
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:48 PM
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I second Codependent No More - that book opened my eyes and really blew me away. Unfortunately, we can't do anything for other people, even though we'd love to - they have to help themselves, or at least, want to. You can do much for yourself.
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:23 PM
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It's not about what you can do for your spouse, it's about what you can do for you. He is an adult, this is his problem to solve not yours.

Time to focus on you, get yourself well. Go to meetings, read, read and read somemore.

He is controlling you, your every thought, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Afraid to speak up, afraid to be your own person...only you know the answer....what is it?
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:00 PM
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I'm so sorry Puppy this is happening to you. I wish there was more to say.

His disease is stronger than you and right now it is stronger than him.

You have to realize that. there are NO magic words.

stay strong
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:54 PM
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His disease is controlling him and his life, and screwing up his marriage, but it is not to be discussed, because he can't handle it. So now he wants to force you into the control of his addiction by shutting you up, and you not being permitted to speak your mind on what is upsetting your life.

Time I think for Codependence No More, getting to an Alanon meeting and being with those who listen to you, understand and support you, and keep coming here.

I told RABF some time back that, if he ever again told me to shut up about MY concerns, or described my comments as cr*p or lies, he would be the sorriest man on earth. I meant it. Listening to their drivel and drunken mutterings is bad enough, without being insulted by having our being as a person, tossed aside as unimportant.

The only person you can help, strengthen and care for is YOU, and that needs to be as high a priority for you, as your man's drinking is for him....like Number 1.

It is the price demanded for being in a "relationship", with an alcoholic.

God bless
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:01 PM
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Hi Puppy Girl,

It sounds like you have hit the hopeless and helpless feeling of living with someone who drinks in a way that effects you, nothing you say or do is working.

It never will and you will only harm yourself further by continuing to beat yoursef up about it. Al-anon is a good starting point, or this forum if you cant get to a meeting, but once you learn that you didnt cause it, can control it, or cure it, things do get easier.

The only assertive thing you can do is say that you will leave him if he continues to drink and follow through! - Say it and mean it.

I am sorry you are going through this, I know that feeling well but look after yourself.
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:17 PM
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Hi, puppygirl. I'm sorry you're feeling such pain and helplessness. Reading and educating myself on this horrible disease and the ways family can respond to it was my front line of defense and still is. Ditto the posts that Codependent No More is a great place to start, as is the book Under the Influence. AlAnon is another wonderful resource. The stickies at the top of the forum are great too.

This disease is so strong, so devastating to everyone involved. You can not make your husband work a recovery program, but you can arm yourself with knowledge and support and take care of yourself. You're not lost, not completely. You've found SR, you're starting to reach out for help and support, you're finding tools that will help you. I hope you know you're not alone in this.

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Old 07-29-2010, 12:49 AM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
Hi, puppygirl. I'm sorry you're feeling such pain and helplessness. Reading and educating myself on this horrible disease and the ways family can respond to it was my front line of defense and still is.

This disease is so strong, so devastating to everyone involved. You can not make your husband work a recovery program, but you can arm yourself with knowledge and support and take care of yourself. .
I agree with all posters, but i can say this for you, my AH relapsed 3 years ago, i stuck by him, but, there is nothing one can do or say to them, there addiction is king, all you can do is live your own life, give your spouse to HP and let HP deal with him.

On Sunday after 3 years of dealing with this, my AH finally hit his bottom! and i walked out with the kids, gave him space to deal with this alone, eventually on Monday evening, he realised i would not be comming back at all if he did not seek help and stop drinking altogether, Monday was his day 1, I am back now and he is on Day 4.

All i can say through all of this, is how do you wish to live, live for yourself and try to detach from what the A is doing. I will pray for you and your family. Keep strong and keep posting.

Welcome to our family, there is lots of hugs and support here for you.

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Old 08-06-2010, 03:15 PM
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The week from HELL

Wow.
I was hit with a terrible week at work and home is such a challenge now too. Had alot of suicidal thought. Crying in my office. My husband was some help but as the week derew down by Wednesday he went to the package store. He did get me something also, I drink wine only when PTSD gets really bad and medicine doesn't work as well. I got desperate one night and drank one of his beers as he was sleeping. There I was just me and the kitchen table with a dark beer and a cheese stick hoping to God this foreign substance in my body would put it to sleep. That definately got his attetion. Of course it s Friday and its suposed to be a "dry" weekend do he can keep up with the yard work but Wed he informed me he was drinking this weekend " to get back on schedule" Like how is that for A thinking!!!

I told him because I was in such bad space- I had actually made some plans and not goood ones,- that I needed to do everything I could do for me this weekend and so I will go to Alan in the morning in efforts to try and get my head back on straight.

Lots fo time talking to the psychiatrist this week, but he is so very good to me and we averted the hospital. I did get a very good book through amazon that came yesterday and tonight very shortly Iwill s it on the deck and read for a couple of hours. thank god for mail people as I had not the strength or the will to go to the local bookstore.

Spouse is in Gods hands tonight--------NOT MINE!!!! because I am physically and mentally spent Itrust that God will do a fine job.
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:18 PM
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I did get a very good book
What book?
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:51 PM
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Lots fo time talking to the psychiatrist this week, but he is so very good to me and we averted the hospital. I did get a very good book through amazon that came yesterday and tonight very shortly Iwill s it on the deck and read for a couple of hours. thank god for mail people as I had not the strength or the will to go to the local bookstore.
I am so glad you have a good psychiatrist.
You do know that alcohol will not help you in any way, shape or form with your PTSD?
Are you being treated?
I have a major depressive disorder. I understand not wanting to leave the house, even to go to my most favorite place in the world, the bookstore.
You sound strong today. Keep reading. Knowledge is power.

Beth
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:25 PM
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I am glad that you have a doctor to discuss your concerns with.

I was diagnosed with depression. I tried to use alcohol as a sedative and ended up as an alcoholic. Please be careful! Alcohol is a depressant. It does not mix with most prescriptions.

Reading is a relaxing way to spend the evening. I hope you enjoy your book and your weekend.
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Old 08-07-2010, 09:26 AM
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Well, I can say GOOD morning to everyone!! Gotup by 9 and did a load of laundry and off to Alanon. Thank God for that support. God seems to have done a fairly good job. Spouse just getting up as i was coming in the door. It looks as if God got him up going although not quite functional........but I certainly do any better so maybe thats where he stays, right in God's hands. I am going to sit outside and read now until supper. Just me adn the the last book in the Lisbeth Salander trilogy. PTSD is better today... feel like i can stay with it if I have to. I feel like this sounds as if I am strong but not so strong at all its just that I hit my bottom with this all this week. I guess its all relative but I am thankful for the quiet moment I have right now.
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Old 08-07-2010, 09:44 AM
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Good for you, puppygirl!

You don't get all strong all at once. It's like joining the gym--it takes time and work to get those unused muscles in shape.

Enjoy your quiet moments with your book. There is peace to be had.
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