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Old 10-11-2003, 06:44 PM
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Day One

Well today I drove my hubby to the airport at 4am for his flight to Fl. I felt numb and firghtened. I hugged him at the airport and he left quickly with tears in his eyes. Driving home was a horrible experience. BUt I made it through the day ok. He called this afternoon and said he made it ok and told me where he was staying. We didn't talk long but I told him I loved him. I felt more calm after his call, that he was ok and that he still loved me. He said that he would call his parents and stay with them after tonight. THey just called here and wanted to know why he was in Fl. I didn't know what to say so I told them to speak to him about it. A very lame answer. I wasn't ready for the question.

Just now he called me again, very angry, saying that he doesn't need this sh*t and that his parents are too old for this. He said that I put him in this [position between a rock and a hard place. I told him that he put himself in that position. He is trying to bully me about making him go to FL. I told him that I wanted to talk the other night and that he said if you want me to leave then make the reservation. SO I did. If he had been willing to talk then I wouldn't have done that. He just wants it to be his way, so that he can do what he wants. Oh what a day, I am afraid to answer the phone, but I have to in case my kids call me.

Thanks for listening./
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Old 10-11-2003, 06:50 PM
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Hey Rose... HE picked Florida.

And "talk to him about it" is THE right answer. DING DING, we have a WINNER!!!

I know it smarts, but you're doing just fine.
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Old 10-11-2003, 07:05 PM
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Thanks, Smoke for the comfort. I needed that. Now I am going to bed, to get rested for day two.
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Old 10-12-2003, 07:04 AM
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This is a good time to focus on you, Rose. It may sound trite but trite can be true.

We can't force solutions but we can be open to our intuition and our program. I am sure you have quite the committee meeting going on in your head. Quiet them by staying busy. Share, don't isolate. I know you don't want to ever have to go through this again so use this opportunity wisely.

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Old 10-12-2003, 08:26 AM
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Rose, do you have CallerID? If not, add it to your phone and don't answer any call that is unfamiliar. He may use a calling card (my husband figured THAT one out without any help!). Answer your kids only!
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Old 10-12-2003, 10:59 AM
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Hugs to you Rose

I'm sorry that this is so hard for you. None of us like facing the consequences of our actions, so it doesn't surprise me that he's angry. However, that anger is misdirected when it is aimed at you. He is responsible for where he is and he needs to explain it to his parents.
If he wants to call and have a constructive conversation, then talk to him. If he wants to call to rage at you, hang up and don't answer if he calls back. It's time to take care of you.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 10-13-2003, 05:44 AM
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Thanks Friends. Day Three. He did not call me yesterday. I think he will call today at work.
JT, you are psysic, yes I have a committee in my head, but I have been trying to keep busy. Yesterday I had the Crop walk and Bell Choir practice in addition to church.
The kids and I made a plan for dinners this week. SO I think we should be fine.

When the thoughts start I try to remind myself to just give myself a little time to decide what to do. I am trying to trust that the answer will come to me, if I give it enough time. My biggest concern is that he will pressure me to come home sonner than I am ready. I have decided to tell him I want two weeks, that means until 10/25 to think over the situation. If he comes homw before then, I could go see a lawyer. I have two names of lawyers that my sister gave me.

But I just have to get through today. Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-13-2003, 05:52 AM
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We will always listen Rose,

Here is something for you to read!

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...threadid=13587
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Old 10-13-2003, 12:36 PM
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Ok, so I miss him now. Not so suprising since I talk to him every day and get his opinion on so many things. I was thinking of buying some fresh beef from a farm and I want to know what he thinks. I just want him to be here in case I need him for something. Is that so crazy?
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Old 10-13-2003, 12:56 PM
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Is that so crazy?
Yep.

You don't need his opinion about the beef. You're paying for the beef. You're getting the beef. He's not there to eat the beef. Who cares what he thinks about the beef? What is he some sort of beef expert? No? Then ask ME about the beef. I'll be happy to give you an inexpert opinion.

Just what is it you think you might need him for? His paycheck? Nope. For everything else there are ladders, dollies, carryout chicken, plumbers and Mr. Goodwrench.

Dino's been gone a few days. So far I haven't "needed" to step over his immobile carcass and that's all that's really different. Need?

Is what you're scared of really that you're going to realize you don't "need " him for anything? And won't that mean that the converse is true? He won't "need" you. What a responsibility when we realize that. We have to make ourselves "wantable" because "need" is moot.

It's okay to miss him Rose. It's okay to want him around. But "need" him? I doubt it. If he has any sense he'll start making himself into something you "want".

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 10-13-2003, 02:42 PM
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Your doing great Rose, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am sure that with prayer and "quiet" time to think the answers will come. Keep talking or writing it down...keeping it in makes it all seem "foggy".

Smoke my goodness you ARE good! I love to read what your take is.


Blessings,
Constant
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Old 10-13-2003, 04:13 PM
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Smoke is right you dont "need" him.

Ive been reading about all the stuff you do. Do you realize youre already doing everything by yourself. You dont need him to tell you how to do it.


Sounds like he just surprized his parents. And what does he mean his parents are too old for this ****. If theres any **** going on, hes the one doing it and he should know enough to stop it.

The more I read your posts the more you sound like a hostage who has identified with her kidnaper. You are entitled to your own opinions and wants and needs. You dont have to consult him on everything.

Sorry to be harsh but I can hear you waffling. Are you sure you miss him, or do you just miss him contolling you. Its scary being in charge when you havent done it for a while.
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Old 10-14-2003, 05:22 AM
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Good Morning. I feel pretty good this morning, I slept in for an extra hour. Last night I felt pretty good too. Hubby did NOT call me, I was so surprised. On the one hand I was waiting for his call and on the other I was releived when it didn't come. I feel pretty calm about the whole situation, I don't feel that urgency to "fix" the situation.

Smoke, I hear you and you are right I don't need him. I have proven that over and over again. There was a time when he added to my life: joy, fun, and a sense of humor. These things have been few and far between in the last years. Ok, I get it, I don't need him, but do I want him? That will be the question to ponder over the next week or so.

Cecilia, thanks for telling it like you see it. I need constructive feedback so I can check out the sanity of my thought patterns or the filters through which I see the world. I will think that over, do I miss him controlling me? Am I a hostage? Perhaps, up until now a willing one I think.

Overall I am calm and looking forward to more calm time. Onward with my independant life. I may be one of those people that needs to be alone or else I abdicate myself to whomever my partner is. Food for thought.
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Old 10-14-2003, 06:21 AM
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Is it Dr Phil that says "There are no victims, only volunteers"

Hugs,
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Old 10-14-2003, 06:50 AM
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It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you have to do. Now if you can just get him out of your head for a little while so Rose can work on Rose you may be OK. I hear him him him in all your posts and I know it is a new thing being without him but you must work on Rose or you will lose ground. I do think you are going t be alright just don't forget Rose needs to be taking care of too.
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Old 10-14-2003, 10:47 AM
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thanks for the repost on waiting! that's just what i needed right now. i am divorcing my AH. waiting on him and the legal system to get their act together has really taken a toll on me. but i am moving out of the house on saturday and moving in with my best girlfriend of 15 years. a new start for me without any reminders of him haunting me. i will wait. now i know that waiting is a positive action and God will let me know when i need to stop waiting.
THANK YOU! have you ever noticed that God sends us these little messages when we need them most? i had been looking for a box to put my wall pictures in. then BOOM i walk in to work and there is just the box i've been looking for!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!
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Old 10-14-2003, 11:31 AM
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Rose,

I'm so proud of you!!!!!!

Many hugs,
MG
 
Old 10-14-2003, 01:21 PM
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Sending hugs, Rose, and I know that this will be a wonderful week for you. Enjoy the peace and treat yourself!!

Hugs
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Old 10-15-2003, 07:24 AM
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Thanks Friends. I am moving forward just as I have been praying for all these months. Between you all and my new counselor I am starting to see the pattern. Last night I had another session with my counselor and what came out was my anger and sense of unfairness that after bending over backwards, taking care of all responsibilities, and all the effort - that I cannot control this situation and I will be alone. When I shared with you that without hubby my hope for a good life was gone - what I really meant was that my defination of a good life was being with someone - not being alone. So I would do anything and bear anything just to be with someone. I found out that this is a really strong fear and controlling my life. It comes from way back in my childhood and early teens. I have a fear of abandonment. My mother committed sucide when I was 10 so I have felt alone for a long time.
The other thing I realize is that I have been more angry at hubby for abondoning me in the relationship while he was still here than the issues of working or drinking. That's where the rage comes from - how dare you leave me - how dare you get sick.

SO I am kind of reeling today from this awareness. I know I have read this before but yesterday it all fell into place and made sense for me. SO I know what I must do, but I still fear it. It has been 4 days since I have gotten a hug or reassurance (like a drug) that I am ok and the world is ok. Now I need to build on this awareness and learn how to be ok alone. I never should have expected hubby to be my parent anyway. But that is exactly what I wanted. I am not fooling myself anymore.

Still no call from hubby and I don't have a speech worked out on what to tell him. I think I will tell him I love him and that we both need time apart to become well. I will tell him that I hope that he is able to stop drinking and to find a new job and direction. I will tell him that although I want him, I want to get better and I think we need to be apart for that to happen. I am afraid still that I will fold, and give in to my desire or compulsion to have my "parent" back. I will continue to come here and go to Alanon and my counselor.
I pray for God's help in my healing, and for his direction.

"I believe that courage is too often mistakenly seen as the absense of fear. If you decend by rope from a cliff and are not fearful to some degree, you are either crazy or unaware. Courage is seeing your fear, in a realistic perspective, defining it, considering alternatives, and choosing to function in spite of risks." Leonard Zink
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Old 10-15-2003, 07:32 AM
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Rose...consider yourself hugged!!

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