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Old 06-03-2010, 06:41 PM
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Random Thoughts....

Today I've been thinking alot.
Well, first it hit me that I give him a TON of credit when he does something small. For example today other than going to work for 2-3 hours, going tot he bar, then laying on the bed....he finally fixed the leg of the couch. He made a huge deal out of it...HUGE...and in my mind I thought see it's not so bad, he does things. Of course I had already made dinner, cleaned up, bathed both babies and was getting them ready for bed and I gave him credit for cutting a board and screwing it to the sofa and complaining as he did it. Of course this was when I realized that I hold on to any positive and make it huge. Amazingly the bad I dismiss. WHY?? I am not sure....probablly because I want to believe it is going to be ok, even though I know it is not. It may be the only piece of normalcy in our relationship.
Next, today I stopped reading about what an abusive relationship looks like, and I started reading about a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP and what that looks like. I like what I read - that is what I want something healthy. As I looked through all the things I realized that there were very very very few if any aspects of our relationship that are healthy...and that was kind of like WOW...even though I'm sure I knew that reading it was another thing. It got me wondering do MEN really share house chores and yardwork, do they really help w/ their kids. Do they really treat their wives with love.....???
Lastly, the other day he told me I was a "defeated person" and I am negative. Well anyone who knows me KNOWS that is not true. It got me thinking that all the things he says that I am, are generally characterisitcs that HE has - not me.
OH, and I was reading a post by someone today that reminded me that I don't have to worry about what everyone else things. I only have to answer to myself.....thank you to whoever wrote that...because it hit me that this is so true. I can do whatever I believe is the right thing for me...regardless of what anyone else thinks!!
I don't know when the end of all of this will be or how.....I am trying to be realistic. I am trying to work on ME and worry about ME and be happy with ME....the rest will come.
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Old 06-03-2010, 06:51 PM
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It's funny how things light up when we take our head out of the sand, eh?

Have you tried journaling at all ... in your "spare" time? LOL

Oh, and labeling you with the characteristics that he has?... that's called "projection"

Projection is a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people. For example, if you have a strong dislike for someone, you might instead believe that he or she does not like you. Projection works by allowing the expression of the desire or impulse, but in a way that the ego cannot recognize, therefore reducing anxiety.
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:16 PM
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Thanks for the thoughts...I am trying to blog - I guess that might be journaling. And yes...when your head comes out of the sand, it is scary what you see. My goal right now it to keep a clear head and be honest with myself about what has/is happening, and to NOT let myself minimize it.
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:45 PM
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M,

Just 3 days ago you posted that your husband was going to punch you in the face while enraged. You said, " I think I'm done now. I just contacted my best friend who is a lawyer."

Today you posted, " My goal right now is to keep a clear head and be honest with myself about what has/is happening and to NOT let myself minimize it"

I think you are minimizing the events of 3 days ago already. My dear, what..will...it...take?
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:57 PM
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Never had sons, but of course have now got sons-in-law and grand-daughter's hubby to be, plus memories of my late XAH and my dear dad. All of these men helped out, or still do it, in the home.
Dad peeled vegies, set table, cleaned up and did dishes after us kids left home, helped mum in lots of ways, and vacuumed the floors up to the week he died.

My XAH did housework, cared for 3 small kids when I was ill for 6 months. Later he got home before me, so when I arrived he had dinner on the go, and kids sorted.

Next generation is the same, miner son-in-law drives 300 miles home after 10 days down the pit, just finished 12 hour shift....takes dry laundry in, rinses coal out of his work clothes and washes them, hangs them out and cleans bathroom after he has showered.
Then he heads for a well earned sleep....til he is up and dressed to greet the kids from school.

I know the girls adore these men, who see them as partners in life, and treat them as such. They are bringing up their sons to do as dad does, so one day down the track, 3 more women will also be happy.

If you wow and cheer over the occassional small thing done for you, I guess that is all you get....pity you can't WOW and ***** over every darn thing you do for him and kids.

As for him saying you are a negative and defeated person.....Well hello...with him as an example and such a pathetic pain in the rotunda....I would not be surprised if you were.

Do whatever you need to keep your sanity, and build up your strength and belief, in your ability to live life happily without old worrywart, and I hope it is soon.

God bless
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Old 06-03-2010, 11:22 PM
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mexh,

a year ago, almost to the day, you posted this

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He also will pick a fight with me…calling me horrible names, telling me I’m worthless and psychotic….pushing me over the edge of what I think that I can handle mentally and always leading me to try to talk to him, which ends horribly every time. Last week in one of his moments he grabbed me by the neck and said he was going to snap my neck and that he could kill me, my kids were in the other room! Of course they didn’t see anything that happened or happens, but I know they hear bits and pieces.
We have a baby of whom which I have caught him drinking during the day while I was at work and he was caring for her. He drinks so much in the evening that he sleeps so deeply if there was an emergency he wouldn’t wake up. After I had her, I woke up and was covered in blood from my C-section incision and he had been drinking and just looked at me and asked me why my foot was bleeding, I drove the baby and myself to the hospital 6 days after having surgery and bleeding from my incision! What is wrong with me….why do I act like this is normal behavior!
What has changed in the last 12 months? Read back over your old posts when you feel like minizing what is happening.

My friends and I use a term for men who do nothing around the house - ****lodgers (with the starred out bits being a male chicken). Please stop giving him credit for "givens" and reach out to a local shelter for some advice.

If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids. What kind of relationship are you modelling for them? What would you say in 20 years time if one of your kids (or their partner) told you that they were living in this situation?
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Old 06-04-2010, 01:01 AM
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it is GREAT that you realise you are minimising the bad. Please go back and read all your threads, I find that I am am repeatedly surprised by the same parts of my history. Surprised that they happened, although I remember them when I read the details, I "forget" them in between. constantly re-reading and writing down lists of what has happened kept me focussed on the complete picture of our relationship. Even now, seperated and divorcing, if I am not careful and watch my self, if he acknowledges my hello with a hello back, I build that into a huge personality plus, that wipes away the horrible things he has done and continues to do, when actually, to not ignore a direct greeting is barely the least level of politeness I would expect from a stranger.

Thankfully, he is mostly erratic and demanding and lies and accuses so, even my screwed up brain doesn't have much to work with!

It is hard to get a handle on the complete truth, my therapist described my ability to forget and adapt as a coping mechanism that would serve me very well in a situation where I was truely trapped, and that I develope as a child (where I was trapped).

But it doesn't help us as adults in situations where we aren't trapped, because it keeps us stuck in awful situations, when our lives could be filled with joy, not terror and chaos. But in order to change our lives we have to be able to see clearly what they really are like.

look back at your posts sweetheart .
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Old 06-04-2010, 05:11 AM
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I think one of the reasons why I think I've let things between me and AH go on so long, as I remember the guy he used to be - the guy who helped out around the house, did yardwork, and cared for the kids. He's been a pretty heavy beer-drinker for years, but I told myself, it wasn't every day and it wasn't liquor and never when he had to work or before noon on days off. I tolerated it and looking back - there were periods where our marriage suffered because of his drinking.

However, he had a full-time job working for the same Company for 12 years, and in the same field for 16, and decided that he wanted to do something different and be a full-time Dad. When he worked he did almost all the laundry and dishes, vacuumed the house, did all the yardwork, did most of the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. He'd come home from work and the first thing he'd do is clean the kitchen - used to say it relaxed him and was how we wound down after 12 hour shifts.

When my oldest (now 20), was in kindergarten, he wasn't able to find a job where I'd been transferred to, so he stayed home and took care of her. I'd come from work, and find him coloring at the table with her, dinner cooking. After dinner, he'd clean up and make me a lunch to take to work the following day. When the heat went out in the middle of a blizzard, he stayed up all night doing everything he could to make sure me and our daughter stayed warm. I was working 70+ hour work weeks, but I remember that as one of the happiest of our 20+ years of marriage. People, friends, were jealous that I had a husband who didn't mind housework or taking care of kids. It made it harder for me to pretend he was that guy, when he stopped being that guy.

So - that guy exists - that guy used to be my guy. But, the beer, and then the liquor, took that away. Now, he still does dishes and laundry - but that's pretty much it, and for that he expects a medal. I had to hire someone to take care of the lawn. I work full-time, support three kids (one in College), and go to school part-time.

It had been getting bad - the drinking - for probably 10 years. And, as the drinking got worse, he continued to do the things around the house, as our marriage started to go south. For a brief period after leaving his job, he was that guy who I knew 14 years ago - coffee ready when I got home from work, and evening walks. Unfortunately, it didn't last. I think you tend to overlook the drinking when you're getting something out of the marriage, and its not until that goes too, that it becomes so painfully obvious that you'd been settling all along.
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:10 AM
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gerrP - you have a way of being very up front, but saying exactly what needs to be said....thank you for that.
I know what I am getting out of the marriage, I just need to figure out how not to need that....that is the problem.
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:21 AM
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I'm in your corner M regardless of how I come across. Just wanting you begin living the life you and your kids deserve very soon. God speed.
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
gerrP - you have a way of being very up front, but saying exactly what needs to be said....thank you for that.
I know what I am getting out of the marriage, I just need to figure out how not to need that....that is the problem.
((((MXH) You have posted how much he does not help around the house and complains while doing any work. Do you need that?

You have posted that he becomes angry, yells, is verbally abusive. Do you need that?

As gerryP pointed out, he has threatened to punch you in the face. Do you need that?

Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you AND YOUR CHILDREN are in harms way. Do you need that?

You ask whether there are men out there who are loving, kind, helpful, thoughtful.....yes there are! I am blessed to be married to one who not only does dishes, laundry, cooks and cleans (we take turns) but believes in me and my dreams.

You deserve that!!!! Your children deserve that!!!!! We're pullin' for you!!!!

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
gerrP - you have a way of being very up front, but saying exactly what needs to be said....thank you for that.
I know what I am getting out of the marriage, I just need to figure out how not to need that....that is the problem.
I don't know what it is that you are getting from the marriage, but this is what I was getting:

my children's DAD, whom they loved and adored, even while he made my life hell. It was very hard to contemplate taking that away from them.

he was helpful with the children. I could run errands or go on weekend trips and he never fussed about keeping them.

we were an established, cute couple in a nice neighborhood with two professional jobs and a lot of friends.

being his wife gave me instant credibility in his hometown because his family is well-established here.

we had a nice lifestyle that we were barely affording and I could never sustain it on my own.

I had someone to drive us on long trips and someone to go out to dinner with.

But I also had arguments, insults, picking fights, verbal abuse, subversive behavior with the children, constant tension, him being too drunk to drive most nights, erratic behavior, not being able to pay the bills, fear of what was happening in his practice, and a man who didn't want to be around me.

I really LIKED everything that I listed above (lifestyle, image, two-parent home) but I found that I did not need them like I thought I did. And even if I did need it, I could work around that need and replace it with my own stability, my own good judgment, my own good company, my friends, my family.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-04-2010, 09:15 AM
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the other day he told me I was a "defeated person" and I am negative.

My exH told me that kind of stuff too. God, I resented that.

But when I finally "woke up" and looked at myself in the mirror I had to admit he was right. Didn't matter if my negativty and griping were justified by his behavior, the truth was I had lost some of my very best qualities because I was so out of touch with ME and my own power and responsibility, and was so focused on him and all that was wrong. I mean, that's a definition of negativity right there!

I had to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror.

Well anyone who knows me KNOWS that is not true.

Also true for me. And it became a clear measure of how far I had let myself go, just down into a sinking spiral of "this is not who I am!" Well, yes it was!

Denial is a terrrible thing - probably 2 of the worst gifts of my growing up in an alcoholic household are my capacity for denial and my belief in the shamefulness of reality and the truth.

Let the sun shine in mentallyex!

peace-
b
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Old 06-04-2010, 09:22 AM
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I agree, Bernadette! I allowed HIS problems to make me into someone I didn't recognize, didn't like, wouldn't want to be around. he was right - I was no fun and I was negative. And I was becoming rigid (I called it holding on for dear life) and panicky and scared to let go. It was awful.
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Old 06-04-2010, 10:31 AM
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Really, you can figure out all of the nuances of your own behavior once you have a bit of time and space.

What's keeping you there NOW? Given that this man has physically threatened you (in earshot of your kids, no less), what's it going to take? A black eye? Broken bones? What if he hospitalizes you? Could you trust him to look after the kids? Or will CPS have to get involved?

What would you do if a friend was behaving in this way towards you?
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