New here....suggestions help plz!

Old 06-11-2009, 05:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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New here....suggestions help plz!

I just found this website yesterday and have been reading as many of the posts as I could…trying to find clarity in my life. I have been married to my H for 1 ½ years, prior to which, we have known each other for 4 years. I have known since I met him that he “enjoyed” drinking, but he has always been able to convince me that he had it under control. The saddest part about this, is I know that I was just choosing to believe it wasn’t a problem, and somewhere deep in me, I felt that if he had a happier life and something to live for it would be different. We split up for about a 6 months during our relationship, before we were married, because his drinking was out of control. During that time he seemed to get a handle on it, and we were married, but the “honeymoon” didn’t even last a day. Here’s where we are now…..
Since getting married his drinking has only gotten worse. When he is not drinking, he is good to me, but once he starts drinking things go downhill VERY quickly. He doesn’t just drink a little, in a typical evening it might be a pitcher of beer, 3 or 4 rum & cokes and a shot of whiskey with every one of those. Of course he doesn’t believe he has drank too much, and tries to convince me he has a high tolerance, but I know better….I think. I enjoy a drink occasionally, but refuse to have a drink with him, though he will con me in to going out for dinner, even though I know what will happen.
When he comes home this way, he is verbally very aggressive with the children. He also will pick a fight with me…calling me horrible names, telling me I’m worthless and psychotic….pushing me over the edge of what I think that I can handle mentally and always leading me to try to talk to him, which ends horribly every time. Last week in one of his moments he grabbed me by the neck and said he was going to snap my neck and that he could kill me, my kids were in the other room! Of course they didn’t see anything that happened or happens, but I know they hear bits and pieces.
We have a baby of whom which I have caught him drinking during the day while I was at work and he was caring for her. He drinks so much in the evening that he sleeps so deeply if there was an emergency he wouldn’t wake up. After I had her, I woke up and was covered in blood from my C-section incision and he had been drinking and just looked at me and asked me why my foot was bleeding, I drove the baby and myself to the hospital 6 days after having surgery and bleeding from my incision! What is wrong with me….why do I act like this is normal behavior!
The truth is he makes me feel like I am crazy. How can someone who is supposed to love me – do those things to me. And the best part is….the next day act like everything is normal and nothing happened – and of course never really say he’s sorry. I have never in my life been treated so horribly by someone, and I can’t figure out why I put up with it. Please help me understand what to do – I need help…I need clarity….I feel SO lost!
FreeingMyself is offline  
Old 06-11-2009, 06:32 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Welcome! This is a great place for you to find help and hope. I'm sorry to hear you've had a tough time; and many here can relate. Hearing about his recent threats and hands around you neck is worrisome. Your priority is to get you and your children safe, above all else.

There is lots of good reading and resources on this site. Learn about alcoholism and you'll realize that this behaviour is very similar amongst alcoholics. Drink, denial, making you feel that it's your fault somehow. You can't buy into that, he is sick. And about putting up with it, from my experience, it's like we want it to work out so bad, don't want to lose our relationship, that we start putting up with things that eventually escalate. Little by little, it becomes the new normal, but if you were to read the same stuff by someone else, I'm sure it would be shocking.

Find an Al Anon group if you can. It has been a lifesaver for many here, including me.
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Old 06-11-2009, 06:51 AM
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Welcome -- I'm so glad you found us. There's a lot of support here for gaining clarity and figuring out the right thing to do.

We have a mod here on SR whose signature line says "The addiction will protect itself at all costs."

And that's true. Your husband will protect his addiction even if it means:
--Ruining his relationship with you
--Losing jobs
--Killing his children through neglect or being drunk at the wrong times
--Ruining his kids' future lives by his verbal abuse of them (see the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum if you'd like to see how they will turn out)
--Risking burning down the house
.....and much, much more.

It helped me to remember that this wasn't about Me. My X wasn't doing this "TO" me, so much as he was doing it for himself, to protect his sickness. There was nothing wrong with me, and there's nothing wrong with you either.

And when I was able to remove that filter of "why doesn't he love me enough to stop this", then I could focus on the important thing:

Is this how I want to live? Is this how I want my kids to have to live?

Assuming he isn't going to change, as it does not appear he is. Is this the life you envisioned for yourself when you were a little girl? Is this all you feel you deserve?

Many of us have found lots of great support through this place, through personal counseling (to clarify that A) we're NOT nuts and B) what we want for ourselves) and attending support meetings like Al-Anon, which is for family & friends of alcoholics.

I know for me, cutting through the fog that alcoholics try to create -- trying to make you feel small, unimportant, and crazy -- was a huge revelation. And learning to set effective boundaries stopped the abuse in its tracks.

Make no mistake: you are being abused. And you don't deserve it, and you don't have to tolerate it, for you or for your kids.

Please pull up a chair and talk more with us. There is a Fort Knox of experience here, all different who stayed, who left, and who are still finding ways to get through it.

Big hugs,
GiveLove is offline  
Old 06-11-2009, 09:56 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
I know for me, cutting through the fog that alcoholics try to create -- trying to make you feel small, unimportant, and crazy -- was a huge revelation. And learning to set effective boundaries stopped the abuse in its tracks.

Make no mistake: you are being abused. And you don't deserve it, and you don't have to tolerate it, for you or for your kids.
Welcome. I know I was so lost and confused with the A in my life that I didn't perservere at seeking help for myself for 20 years. I had brief moments over the years where reality would seep in but nothing changed for me until I changed.

I didn't realize I was allowing myself to be abused, I was allowing my children to be abused, and I was setting an example of how to interact with my husband in an extremely UNHEALTHY manner. I too thought I was the complete problem, I was crazy, I was too sensitive, I was a stick in the mud, and I was selfish.

I have 2 books I read that helped open my eyes: "Codependent No More" and "How Alanon Works". Both were available in my local library.

Again welcome and I'm glad you found us.
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