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Please talk some sense to me...

Old 05-18-2009, 11:50 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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The dulce de leche I buy myself tastes SO MUCH sweeter than the dulce de leche that someone buys me as a bribe.

You're doing great
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Old 05-18-2009, 12:06 PM
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Bernadette, fragile is exactly how I feel.... any word or comment is just HUGE.. I mean here I am in Major Breakthrough mode and someone tells me I did not handle things well! I told him the same story (an error..) and he was like.. "but I do not see how he mistreated you, if you didn't like him drinking you should have ignored him and have fun with us". Ok "dude" I have lived in the world of SHOULDS and its not a fun place! If you are not in my shoes then its supereasy to talk!!

Note to self: talk in SR or journal. Stop contact with human beings around you. Repeat until the end of your days.
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Old 05-18-2009, 01:42 PM
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I went through most of my life not trusting myself. Ignoring that small, quiet voice that was trying to guide me. It was difficult to start listening carefully to it. Even more difficult to dismiss the other voices, both inside my head and coming from others.

Do you trust yourself? Do you know what's best for you better than anyone else? I think you do.

L
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Old 05-18-2009, 02:42 PM
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2 hours before I flee from the job, thanks a lot for all of your wise words, they kept me going today.

Now its becoming dangerous as my anger subsides I start telling myself "well one more chance, he has been great this month... " but thank God I am going from SR to the therapist to keep me on the right track... how many weekends like that am I willing to spend? zero!!!!!

Sticking with the No Contact with ex AH bf has made it easier to go No contact with others.

Thanks all (((gigantic hug to SR members and guests))))
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Old 05-19-2009, 10:35 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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UPDATE:

My therapist RULES, I feel so so much better now. What she did was put examples of how healthy relationships look like (it was as if she was talking in a different language altogether LOL).

She told me I am clingy (not new) and the fact its very difficult for me to let go is because I have deep affection needs from a man and I think the partners are "the solution", which is no news, but next time we will keep on working on my dad.

I started crying and felt so ashamed, then I thought "she is a therapist, no one comes here if they felt good"!!

Yesterday the new guy sent a message telling me he supports me 100% and he feels bad, that he wants me to be happy whatever that means and that he is truly sorry, feels guilty and knows that if we keep going out he needs to take better care of me. He sounded sincere...

I asked the therapist how I knew if the guy was honest and could change, or if it was just all manipulation to get me back and repeat the same of what he already did.

She told me that I was the only one that knew the guy, his set of values, his will to make this work, etc. and that relations are about "how we disagree" as Ago said before... that it was disrespectful what he did, yes, but it was one event, not the usual mechanics of the relation (before this it was great); that we had drank before (that's true) and that he did not behave badly those times; that the way he treated friends was a reference about him, but it was him and HIS friends and I did not want to be a controlling freak to have opinions about how he treats others (not sure if I totally agree there, for me someone has to be coherent)... and that he did what he did, he did not did it TO ME, or with intentions to make ME feel bad...

Her opinion was that I will let him flee and the next one that comes will make a mistake, and I will let him flee again... that I should give him a chance and agree on something, set the rules and next time if any one of those boundaries is crossed, THEN as we had agreed on something and it was not respected, it was time to take a harsher decision...

She also adviced not to add venom to the relation and be honest with the guy but not mean or seek "revenge" with a cold shoulder.

I am confused but I asked the guy for some time, and told him it was not to make him feel bad or anything, just for me to order my feelings and ideas to handle this the best way possible... I still think this relation should end, and I need to focus on ME... this helped me realize how hurt I still am from exAH. Its also not fair to bring that baggage in a relation with someone else.

The only thing I am sure of is that I need to heal myself and that is my one and only goal, I do not need extra stuff on my plate right now!

Thank you for supporting me yesterday, you all rule!

Last edited by TakingCharge999; 05-19-2009 at 10:53 AM.
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Old 05-20-2009, 08:11 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I think I've been walking in your shoes............hope you don't mind my borrowing them, and I'd REALLY like to give them back now!!!

I'm about to say something that may make people mad (though I hope not) so let me preface it by saying this: I agree that this man trampled your feelings, was completely thoughtless and disrespectful, and showed behaviors that absolutely are red flags. I am only 3 months out of a 3-year relationship with an addict, so I'm fully willing to admit that my viewpoint is still warped by the trauma of it all. I just want to share with you what I know/am learning about me, having been in a resoundingly similar situation. If it fits, please feel free to borrow. If it doesn't, feel free to toss. I will be completely un-offended.

I know that I have a tendency to "over-compensate" when I'm fairly fresh out of a sh!tty relationship (where I allowed mtself to be treated in a fashion less than I deserve). Because guy A would trample me (and I allowed it), I go ballistic on guy B the minute he does one small things even vaguely out of line. I am NOT saying that what they do is behavior that I should put up with, but I go way overboard, in typical codie fashion. I go from a doormat to a steamroller. I got trampled, so now I trample. My pendulum swings so far the other way that there's simply no way any man could live up to my standards. I am also currently seeing a counselor. I told her my "picker" is broken and I need to fix it. In the meantime, I'm doing something else I've never done before. I'm CHOOSING not to date. There have been men interested, and I am CHOOSING to take this time for me. I'm 31, I have no kids, I have no man in my life. And yet I'm happy because I'm focusing 100% on ME. Because I deserve it. And so do you.

Whatever you choose to do with NG, try again, no contact, or somewhere in the middle........choose what's best for YOU. You don't owe him ANYTHING. NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH. Do for you. Do for you. Do for you.
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Old 05-20-2009, 09:05 PM
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(((TakingCharge)))

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to say I was thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I'm sure you will make the best decision for you!

Hugs!
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Old 05-20-2009, 09:37 PM
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In a Tailspin,

Thank you for your post! No I do not take offense, I am thankful for all of your insights (you and all the others)

These days that I have taken my time to reflect, (I just arrived from my painting lesson, I am painting a Pink Panther for my sister ) I think I am reaching the same conclusion... I am 7 months out of a relation. Not so much time, really. I do not feel I am totally over exAH.. I am just starting to feel compassion, still a long way towards total indifference. I realize he has less importance in my life, but when I see him I stll feel anxious. My heart is nowhere near ready to be given to NG or anyone.

Sometimes I am not sure if NG is helping me move forward and learn other things, or if he is a distraction...

It hit me when the counselor said the way NG talked to his friends was NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I realized I was also trying to control the way he talked to other people-- a codie red flag! but then again, FOR ME, I could not have respect to someone that tells me "ohh my darling you are the best" then quarrels with the "friends" the next minute. I am trying to be consistent. I expect my partner to be consistent and treat everybody the same way. Otherwise I cannot trust, not knowing I will be treated today as he treated me yesterday.

My gut feeling is telling me the same thing - yes his acts hurt me, and have no justification- that is his 50%. My 50%, what I reacted to was to past hurts/themes:

betrayal - my dad promising love, then leaving. the guy acting supernice one month, then doing this.
vulnerability - my rape. the guy insisting on sex.
alcoholism - my last ex and all the madness you all know so well. how do i know the new guy can control his drinks? how do i know he is not alcoholic? i do not know.

No wonder I was a crying mess!!!!!!!!

I cannot have a healthy relation if I am carrying so much hurt and memories of the past. I am determined to keep working on those themes. I am realizing that is essential and my one and only goal now... to be free from the past. Honestly NG and whoever else should come second. As I keep moving forward internally, I will be able to handle these situations better, with him and whoever else steps in my boundaries. I will be able to stop them in time, or remove myself from them. And if I could "let go" of ex AH with EVERYTHING against me, of course anyone else will be much easier to let go.

I know we always talk about this, but now it really dawns on me, and I feel so grateful for these lessons.

I will see the guy on Friday, and hopefully we will agree on the "rules" of our relation, e.g. if you want to kiss another woman, FIRST you come tell me, we finish this, then you sleep around all you want (we already have that rule). If i say NO to sex once, I do not need to justify why not. Its NO. And its ONCE. If we plan to party, one of us will not drink and will be the one who drives. No discussions. Alcohol, you can drink as you see fit - as long as you obey our rules, I'm OK. I like a drink every once in a while myself. I am not against alcohol, I am against alcohol abuse, and emotional abuse!

Then I will have faith he will take this into account. Next time something similar happens, I will tell him I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I was mistaken, and I deserve respect. Its true, my life is already good as it is - if I have a partner it is because I will be cherished, hugged, listened. Otherwise why have a constant source of stress and pain? That is not life and I enjoy my life already to have someone drag me down again. I won't let it anymore, it has been enough.

Thanks for letting me think "aloud"!! This all sounds like a cliché, but now that I am determined to ACTUALLY LIVE THAT WAY, I feel so great, its my power back...where was it all these years?

Pain is an overwhelming master....
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Old 05-20-2009, 09:39 PM
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Oh thanks NYC, feels great to know I am not alone.

I wonder where I missed the Romantic Relationships course 101, the therapist was saying how it goes and I was like.. "what? is that even POSSIBLE? talking?? talking about MY needs????" LOL
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Old 05-24-2009, 12:31 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Just to "finish" this thread... (thanks all)

Yesterday I talked with the guy and I feel so much better. He said he felt bad about me, yes but mainly he was mad at himself. We agreed on moderating our drinks... not that we drink every weekend or so. We are both taking on sports, study and work so the "wild life" is over...

I choose to trust him one more time. This will be a work in progress, but we talked honestly and joked and listened to each other. Feels great. I think his 50% is his, but in my 50% I judged him as if he was an AH. Which is unfair to him. Sometimes I feel Istill have this venom in me and try to infect him too, but so far, it seems we learned from this.

Thanks all,for being out there and supporting me through all this. Of course I will go on with therapy...
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Old 05-24-2009, 12:42 PM
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I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck.....

I suspected with one of my NGs that he was an A despite a pretty blissful first month....he is....not my problem, not going to try to fix him, I deserve better.

Trust your gut!

ARL
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