Just to "finish" this thread... (thanks all)
Yesterday I talked with the guy and I feel so much better. He said he felt bad about me, yes but mainly he was mad at himself. We agreed on moderating our drinks... not that we drink every weekend or so. We are both taking on sports, study and work so the "wild life" is over...
I choose to trust him one more time. This will be a work in progress, but we talked honestly and joked and listened to each other. Feels great. I think his 50% is his, but in my 50% I judged him as if he was an AH. Which is unfair to him. Sometimes I feel Istill have this venom in me and try to infect him too, but so far, it seems we learned from this.
Thanks all,for being out there and supporting me through all this. Of course I will go on with therapy...