In a Tailspin,
Thank you for your post! No I do not take offense, I am thankful for all of your insights (you and all the others)
These days that I have taken my time to reflect, (I just arrived from my painting lesson, I am painting a Pink Panther for my sister
) I think I am reaching the same conclusion... I am 7 months out of a relation. Not so much time, really. I do not feel I am totally over exAH.. I am just starting to feel compassion, still a long way towards total indifference. I realize he has less importance in my life, but when I see him I stll feel anxious. My heart is nowhere near ready to be given to NG or anyone.
Sometimes I am not sure if NG is helping me move forward and learn other things, or if he is a distraction...
It hit me when the counselor said the way NG talked to his friends was NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I realized I was also trying to control the way he talked to other people-- a codie red flag! but then again, FOR ME, I could not have respect to someone that tells me "ohh my darling you are the best" then quarrels with the "friends" the next minute. I am trying to be consistent. I expect my partner to be consistent and treat everybody the same way. Otherwise I cannot trust, not knowing I will be treated today as he treated me yesterday.
My gut feeling is telling me the same thing - yes his acts hurt me, and have no justification- that is his 50%. My 50%, what I reacted to was to past hurts/themes:
betrayal - my dad promising love, then leaving. the guy acting supernice one month, then doing this.
vulnerability - my rape. the guy insisting on sex.
alcoholism - my last ex and all the madness you all know so well. how do i know the new guy can control his drinks? how do i know he is not alcoholic? i do not know.
No wonder I was a crying mess!!!!!!!!
I cannot have a healthy relation if I am carrying so much hurt and memories of the past. I am determined to keep working on those themes. I am realizing that is essential and my one and only goal now... to be free from the past. Honestly NG and whoever else should come second. As I keep moving forward internally, I will be able to handle these situations better, with him and whoever else steps in my boundaries. I will be able to stop them in time, or remove myself from them. And if I could "let go" of ex AH with EVERYTHING against me, of course anyone else will be much easier to let go.
I know we always talk about this, but now it really dawns on me, and I feel so grateful for these lessons.
I will see the guy on Friday, and hopefully we will agree on the "rules" of our relation, e.g. if you want to kiss another woman, FIRST you come tell me, we finish this, then you sleep around all you want (we already have that rule). If i say NO to sex once, I do not need to justify why not. Its NO. And its ONCE. If we plan to party, one of us will not drink and will be the one who drives. No discussions. Alcohol, you can drink as you see fit - as long as you obey our rules, I'm OK. I like a drink every once in a while myself. I am not against alcohol, I am against alcohol abuse, and emotional abuse!
Then I will have faith he will take this into account. Next time something similar happens, I will tell him I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I was mistaken, and I deserve respect. Its true, my life is already good as it is - if I have a partner it is because I will be cherished, hugged, listened. Otherwise why have a constant source of stress and pain? That is not life and I enjoy my life already to have someone drag me down again. I won't let it anymore, it has been enough.
Thanks for letting me think "aloud"!! This all sounds like a cliché, but now that I am determined to ACTUALLY LIVE THAT WAY, I feel so great, its my power back...where was it all these years?
Pain is an overwhelming master....