TakingCharge999

Hi friends

I will try to make it short. New guy, got drunk on Fri.

I got angry and sad (that's an understatement).

The trigger was too much to handle and after having a great time on Friday with other friends, he arrived and his drunkedness caused so many triggers I ended up crying at 3AM. For the Nth time, crying because of ANOTHER PERSON'S CHOICES. I could not believe the night had ended up that way. I cooked for friends and got ready to get out and have a good time, and it was ruined.

I am very angry with him and mostly with myself.

This is what hurts

- New guy (NG) asking to drive when I and his friends were totally OK to drive

- when I expressed my angerand dissapointment, he said "I won't drink anymore tonight" then proceeded to order a beer in the same minute

- when we went to bed he started touching me, I was already on the verge of tears and thought.. are you kidding me.. I said NO... after a minute he starts again and I was like "I already told you I am not up to it once" and he replied "I am horney" and I, thinking I was with a JERK, told him "so, you are saying you are the only one who matters here" and then he was like "oh no, it's not that, quackety quack"

- I decided to leave and went to cry/sleep in the guestroom. Locked the door. Later he knocked and said he was worried when he woke up and didn't see me...

- Yesterday he apologized and said he won't drink ever and it won't happen again.. NOW WHERE HAVE WE HEARD THIS BEFORE???????

- Yesterday it was going to be our first month together, but I told him I did not want to see him

- He bought some fruits and gifts and wants to see me today..

:wtf2

My reaction is to give him back his stuff and fly. Am I overreacting here? A girlfriend that knows him too, my best friend and another friend tell me I am overreacting. That I am making him "pay" for ex AHBF's mistakes. That he sounds sincere, he is apologetic and that I am too strict.

Why don't they come with a label?? AH or not AH. I would love to give New guy a questionaire - are you F in disguise? YES/NO

I know you are going to say, whether he has a problem or not, is his behaviour acceptable? I am afraid not at all. And I do not believe words. He sounds sincere about feeling bad for what happened, but at this point, why give him "another chance"? I can't live waiting for this to happen again. I can't live counting his drinks or wondering a Saturday night if he is getting drunk or not. I can't walk on eggshells. I am DONE living afraid of WHAT OTHER PERSON MAY OR MAY NOT DO!! I totally deserve to live in peace and be able to relax!!

I am going to therapy today at 6pm, but I feel so down, any comment is welcome until then...

Everybody feels he is not an AH and he is sincere and has NOTHING to do with ex AH, but he was very disrespectful to ME that night... everyone knows what happened and they say I should give him the benefit of the doubt. That he is allowed to make mistakes too and the important thing is that he learns from them. That he seems to really love me. HAH! As if I did not knew love when I feel it.. I felt many things that night and none of them was love.

The main question is I guess, how much time I am willing to waste in someone who has already shown disrespect to me...

So there comes another round of mourning, I started seeing this as "another thing alcohol ruined" but today I forced myself to go walk at the park and I am trying to see this as "ex AH BF helped you see what you deserve, and what you don't" and kudos for me for not "giving a chance" to anyone anymore to stomp over my heart.

Sorry for the rant... I'm just frustrated, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

GiveLove

((( takingcharge )))

I know how into this relationship you were, so this has to hurt & disappoint you on a very deep level.

These are more red flags. I know you know what I mean. And I am saying that with a hug for you, not with any frown on my face. I know it hurts, but it is much better to find these bad things out NOW rather than six months or six years from now.

Yep, unacceptable and disrespectful behavior all around. Especially the sex part. Was he still drunk when he said that? Doesn't matter, just curious. I know I can't reason with anyone when they're drunk.

I can't give you any advice, because I'm pretty kneejerk when it comes to ending relationships where I'm being disrespected. I'm not the one whose opinion you want

Maybe give yourself some time AWAY FROM HIM (no calls, no texts, nothing) and see how you feel after you meet your therapist tonight.

Breathe. Remember you have a great life even without him in it, he's just icing on the cake and you can change that flavor to one that suits you better!!

Barbara52

Only you can decide if you want to continue in a realtionship where you are already seeing red flags 1 month into it. Doesn't matter if any one else inthe world thinks you are wrong or right. If you are uncomfortable, that is all that matters.

Personally I would end it. For me there is a line concerning alcohol. DO not get drunk. Period. I learned (long ago actually) that one can enjoy a couple of alcoholic drinks without getting anywhere near drunk and that drunkeness is not something I can tolerate. If I started dating someone who got drunk, I would not be able to continue the relationship no matter how nice the guy might be otherwise. Its just behavior I find unacceptable. It has nothing to do with the possibility that the man might be an alcoholic. Its unacceptable behavior to inbibe in excess and to me shows immaturity on many levels.

TakingCharge999

Thanks friends, yes GiveLove, he was still drunk. And yes, it is especially hurtful to have someone like that in your home and in your bed, I mean, how much vulnerable can a woman feel?

Good news is I am a hard working independent woman, and I can say Bye and life goes on. I have my own place. I am so grateful for my job, thanks for reminding me of that, I will do a good job today trying not to get so distracted.

Barb, thanks for your input. Alcohol or not, it is about behavior. I mean I have been totally drunk myself (before AH ex BF) and I am still myself and do not hurt anyone, I just laugh at really bad jokes. When I knew I was going to drink, I did not drive. I did not turn abusive or hostile towards anyone. If he had been totally drunk but still the same guy I knew before, just "happier", I do not think I would have a problem... (well, still working on that part...). That also bothers me, the fact he treated his friends in an agressive manner. Hidden anger issues.... that will happen to me too if I continue.

Now I see the remaining bottles and bleahhhhhhhh I want to throw them out the window!

GiveLove, I feel bad about this as I had already told you he was a nice guy!! I am so glad I have you, and thanks anvil... I agree, me and all the extraordinary women/ppl here in SR deserve only the best!!

Sometimes its hard to identify it when you are used to the little crumbs and drama, but nay, today I feel my anger is serving me really well.

FunnyOne

Narcissism just gets worse with alcohol, but even sober, narcissists are only in it for themselves. The sex thing is a sure tipper that he is only in this to get his needs met.
Run sister run.

TakingCharge999

Also, I added this post in another thread, sorry for the double post. I just needed your input really badly !!

GiveLove

Hey! (GiveLove marches around like a soldier) I order you to stop feeling bad!!! We are all just on a learning journey, and anyway I'm sure he IS a nice guy. There are probably five billion nice guys on the planet. He might not be the one for you -- and that's fine. Good to find out now and find Mr. 4,999,999,999, and see how HE does.

TakingCharge999

Now I think "I will never get someone as handsome as him, sex was good, blah blah" but I am not listening to that fear-based voice anymore.

I feel bad but I also feel different... for once I feel I take my own happiness seriously and I care about what I, TakingCharge, want and need... I feel I am protecting myself and it feels GREAT I am sad, but I am also glad because I am owning my nickname.

Thanks all for being out there, I will keep re reading your replies all day

Bernadette

My reaction is to give him back his stuff and fly. Am I overreacting here?
IMHO: absolutely not!!

Are we growing and learning from our past or not? Regardless of what friends think, or what our old fear-based minimizing voice is squeaking in our head, we have to be disciplined and clear in our thought process in order to change and grow! No one but ourselves can prevent backsliding.

You learn that a hot stove burns your hand. Fie to anyone (including him, or friends, or your fear-based old-style minimizing voice) who tells you you are overeacting when you don't want to touch another hot stove!

Be proud of where you're coming from, what you've learned, and the high standards you have for future relationships! You've earned all those things!

Yuk- I'm glad that night is over for you- seriously- who wants that dynamic, even for a day, in their life!!??

peace,
b

GiveLove

By the way, takingcharge, has the serious manipulation started yet?

The apologetic texts, the phone calls, the flowers?

From what you've said about him, it would not surprise me if he were to try to control your actions in this way. Keep the focus on what's best for YOU, not what's going to be best for HIM.

XOX
GL

TakingCharge999

Thank you Bernadette.

I saw my therapist's appointment was not today, but Thursday, I just called her and fortunately she has a spot at 6, I am counting the hours.... so, I will go today AND Thursday, I do not care if its expensive and I have to eat tuna sandwiches the rest of the week.

Its true "pain is an overwhelming master"

Honestly "if you do not enhance my solitude, I will go as far away as possible from you" is my new motto
Yesterday he sent an SMS saying he hoped I felt better. Yeah right, you can do anything and with an apology and time it will fade away and I'll be back with you in case you are hungry and need dinner or are horney and I can dress sexy and provide sex.

It still does not dawn on me that I will have to talk to him and no longer see him. I feel like crying, it sucks to feel that while at work. I hate to "store" feelings for later

Please send me good vibes as its possible I will break up with him after my appointment tonight. Do I tell him to go to a Starbucks? I do not want him to arrive with gifts trying to "celebrate" our month while I bring a bag with his things. How do I make him realize we need to talk and its about ending? I am afraid he will talk me out of it for a "second chance".

Breakups suck, but it sucks more to cry because of someone else's poor choices, I am really angry!!

TakingCharge999

LOL anvil thanks,

GiveLove, the manipulation started Sunday. He said he wanted to drink a beer (it was his sister's wedding) but remembered what happened on Friday and decided not to. Oh he is such a nice man (sarcastic!).

That he had bought me some fruits, and dulce de leche (milk candy I really like) and if he could come by just to give them to me...

Later on he called me again and said he was buying me a gift because it was one month already.

I am chatting to the friend that introduced us, and he says he does not like the way I handled things on Friday. Oh well. Remind me not to talk to anyone that is not a SR member, AA/Al anoner or my therapist. He is stating I chose to cry, that this guy did not MADE ME cry. That we are all responsible for our feelings, etc etc. Ok the last sentence I agree.

BUT CMON PEOPLE CAN'T YOU JUST STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR ABUSERS AND JERKS????????????

I apologize in advance as I know I will keep my rants on today!!!!

TakingCharge999

Thanks anvil, what about his stuff?

Perhaps I can give it to the friend that introduced us and tell the new guy to go grab them at his place.

TakingCharge999

I am now deleting the emails and SMS messages. I see now that I always treated him very, very well. So, my conscience is clean.

123bubblegum123

Takecharge,

From what you've described, you have a history of dating alcoholic men. Often times, as unfortunate as it is, patterns repeat themselves over and over again. I'd definitely suggest (at the least) breaking off communication with him. He was completely disrespectful to you and it'd be foolish for you to stay with him when you are still this upset with him - that's like setting yourself up for a future repeated fight, especially when this whole occurance happens again next weekend! I don't really care how many fruit baskets he sends, no man is worth crying for, and, once you find the one who is, he won't make you cry.

I am so very proud of you for opening up about this and asking for guidance. In my experience, I've dated a whole spectrum of bad men (felons to junkies to alcoholic womanizers) and they honestly always start out bumpy. The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be easy and fun -spent discovering all the funny and random things the two of you have in common and enjoying getting to know each other. The difference between a good guy and a bad guy is that when a good guy makes a simple mistake (say forgets to call you when he says he will or something minor) he apologizes and is interested in ways of amending the situation - such as you call him, or whatever it is, but he is totally up for hashing out why you are upset and ways he can make it better in the future. Now, a bad guy will have no interest in actually talking out an issue, instead, he'll try to bribe you with gifts and affection and try to take the short-run for "fixing" the issue. From what you've shared, your current dud, I mean dude, is the latter.

Stay strong and safe!

Rach

TakingCharge999

The common friend already agreed to give him his stuff instead of me...
Thanks anvil, I will call him later after my therapy.

I know I will be a crying mess after that, but I am ready to feel that pain, why? because I do not deserve any more of it.

I cannot thank all of you enough for being with me today.

TakingCharge999

LOL anvil, well its just one picture of him, and a bracelet (not sure if its the correct word) he forgot the other day.

I almost cried with your last post anvil, I will check my finances as I had agreed to go to a spa on Friday with a girl friend!!

Mostly my gift will be to allow myself feel and give myself a pat on the back for NOT FALLING on the same trap for the Nth time... ok FINALLY

I will try and remember my anger and how alone I felt, enough loneliness, when I am by myself I feel sooo protected with the love of God, my family and close friends, and the one I am starting to give myself after so many years... I do not need a guy to bring me down, I've got stuff to do and things to enjoy!! I do not have time for drama and I cannot afford to lose more energy, I am training for a 10k run and need to concentrate at work and studies!!

But at least I will get the Get well card!!

Thanks, thanks... only 6 hours to a glimpse of sanity...

Now I will try to get some work done!!

Bernadette

Takingcharge...just wanted to share- in my early recovery from codependence I learned to keep my cards very close to my chest...I tried to make a habit of meditating on things before I spoke about them to involved parties...there's no rush....and I got in the really good habit (which has saved me from my worst self a million times now) of listening to people's thoughts/advice/quacks and just responding with "Hmmmmmmm." or "Oh." or any other completely non-comittal, non-ramping-up response.

For me, part of the task in recovery has been to get in touch with how I feel about things -- my feelings, for so many years, I had allowed them to be swayed, pulled, freaked, manipulated. I was out of touch with myself and either defensive or a pushover instead of naturally strong/resistant when I felt like someone was trying to influence my feelings...

I understand we need to share with friends, but, in early recovery I was pretty fragile and a strongly opinionated friend could make a lot of hay if I gave away too much information about my feelings...

all of which to say-- you owe nobody an explanation- you are behaving normally and admirably and you want to break up with someone - and you have that right. If you never mentioned drinking and just said "It's just not clicking for me." people might not have the opportunity to criticize and make you doubt yourself....

good luck-- do what you have to do - as Anvil said it ain't a 30 yr marriage - keep it in persepctive and if you want out just say what you mean but don't say it mean!!!

peace-
b

TakingCharge999

I feel I have gone through serious Alcoholism & Manipulation techniques training, with my own experience and reading yours, and this is my chance to see if I learned.

TakingCharge999

Thanks Bernadette, you are right... I have found myself doing that same mistake over and over again (talking too much with the incorrect people)

Sigh. I will try to think things over, I wanted to end this TODAY but right now I will just do what I need to do to bring myself over to the therapist's and then decide a course of action. I am pretty sure she will backup my decision. Hopefully I can manage all this the best way possible.

Thank you for your wise insights.