Am I really up for what it takes when he gets out of rehab?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I just ran to the store to get ricotta cheese for my dinner and I'm thinking how I'm here, holding down the fort, going to work every day, doing all the things as usual, even washed all his dirty laundry that he sent home with my and ran after work to the UPS store to send it back to him and you know what - when he calls me every night and morning, he always tells me what "he" did - like "Morning babe - it's morning hugs (we always hugged in the morning and at night). I just got done taking my 2 mile walk and figured I'd call you." I'd ask how he was - he says "oh, good, saw four horses this morning, etc." At night "Hey babe - nightime hugs - just got back from the meeting." I ask "was it a good meeting" he says "yeah, we talked about ...." and starts telling me what they talked about and what he learned in group sessions, etc. Tells me his plans on going to diner therapy when he gets home and fishing or golfing with this one or that one, and that I should be happy cause then he'll have sober friends, etc. Never once does he ask me "How are you holding up?" "What's new with you" Nothing!!! Never once does he say he's going to make up to me the time "we" lost because he realizes he screwed up. Nothing about "us" (except he can't wait to fool around with me). I'm not taking his calls for a few days, I don't know if I can resist the urge to tell him how I feel, and I just want to let it slide, but I'll tell you, I'm not happy!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
My A never asked about me either. Sometimes he would pretend. But no matter what I was telling him it would soon turn back to him.
I used to think, "thats ok, he's recovering from a disease, it SHOULD be all about him"
Come to think of it, it always was.
But it sounds like your situation is different. You mentioned you were best friends and had a good relationship when he was sober.
Do you remember if he was the same way the first time he got sober? I'm assuming he was sober before?
Sometimes it helps to remember the past
Peace (((((QT)))))
I used to think, "thats ok, he's recovering from a disease, it SHOULD be all about him"
Come to think of it, it always was.
But it sounds like your situation is different. You mentioned you were best friends and had a good relationship when he was sober.
Do you remember if he was the same way the first time he got sober? I'm assuming he was sober before?
Sometimes it helps to remember the past
Peace (((((QT)))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
QT, I think Laurie has some great posts on this if you have time (ha!) to go back and search them. I haven't been through this, so my responses are more along what can help you. From what I gather, he's early in. It does sound like all the focus is on him right now, and I'm not sure that's particularly a good thing. Yes, he's the drinker; yes, he's in rehab. But what about you? Which seems to be what you're asking, too. You mentioned before you don't want to do Al-Anon, but is there anything else in your area that could help you get out of the cycle you're in?
Sending you some afternoon ((()))s.
p.s. what are you making? stuffed shells???
Sending you some afternoon ((()))s.
p.s. what are you making? stuffed shells???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
This is just my opinion, mind you, but I "hear" your frustration and anger that he's not showing interest in your life and what you're doing on a day-to-day basis. Please don't take this as an attack on your belief system or anything like that, but the word "crap" seems to come up when you mention marriage counseling, therapy, whatever. Maybe what is coming through here is you are simply finished and done with the marriage. I am not a mind reader, but that seems to be coming through to me via cyberspace.
You know from your own personal experience that the counseling you had helped you in dealing with your daughter. However, it sounds like you may want the good relationship you had with your AH prior to his drinking without the counseling. Perhaps you're just too exhausted from it all to put in more work. There's certainly nothing wrong with that; we often come to a point in our lives where we just can't take anymore of the A and their behaviors.
He's obviously self-absorbed at this point in his recovery and perhaps that is why he is not inquiring about you. A's are self-centered when actively drinking and it takes time for them to get re-focused on their family. I imagine he'll be self-absorbed in his recovery and desire to maintain sobriety. If you're not happy with what's going on between the two of you, you probably should point out to him what is troubling you. He may very well be completely unaware of what he is doing.
You know from your own personal experience that the counseling you had helped you in dealing with your daughter. However, it sounds like you may want the good relationship you had with your AH prior to his drinking without the counseling. Perhaps you're just too exhausted from it all to put in more work. There's certainly nothing wrong with that; we often come to a point in our lives where we just can't take anymore of the A and their behaviors.
He's obviously self-absorbed at this point in his recovery and perhaps that is why he is not inquiring about you. A's are self-centered when actively drinking and it takes time for them to get re-focused on their family. I imagine he'll be self-absorbed in his recovery and desire to maintain sobriety. If you're not happy with what's going on between the two of you, you probably should point out to him what is troubling you. He may very well be completely unaware of what he is doing.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
The first time he got sober I had left him three weeks prior and was throwing him out of our apartment. So technically, when he went to detox and rehab that time, we were broken up (we were not yet married but lived together for years). During that time in rehab he wrote me daily letters telling me all he was learning about himself and how he wanted to do this to be the husband and father the kids and I deserved. He would say how selfish he was and that was going to change. He would ask how me and the kids were doing (come to think of it, he never asks how the kids or grandkids are now either). I gave him a chance, and he was the absolute best husband and father anyone could have. He went to AA meetings, but then came home to be with his family. We were the most important to him. He never made "recovery" an issue, he just did what he had to do - piece of cake. He never thought "our relationship" needed fixing, he knew "he" needed fixing. This time it seems different (even though it's the same rehab). It's almost as if it's going to take work when (if) he comes home and I just feel I'm going to have to walk on eggshells, which was defintely not the case at all last time. He made up for all the lost time with us, and he was absolutely the best. I just don't think I'm ever going to see that man again.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
he was the absolute best husband and father anyone could have.
Speaking for myself, I'm dealing with an A that was active when I met him and it has been a roller coaster our whole relationship. I think by reading on SR thats the case with most here. Sure some have had years of sobriety before/if relapse, but to have the timing thing going on like you have, is rare.
You weren't together the first time
This time you are
Cricumstances are different.
No wonder your reeling. Your investement in this man and the life you have built is MUCH greater than the first time. That and you have GOOD memories of the man you know he can be.
As a codie, I have had to work REALLY hard at setting my "standards". I would think, given your circumstances, your standards have already been set. Again, given the lengthly time you've been together in a "normal" loving realtionship. It's NORMAL for you to want to keep them
That first time you "took a chance" on him. It worked out
Are you afraid it won't this time?
Peace
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Yes, actually I am afraid that it won't work out this time. It just seems different. But when I saw him Saturday (4 hour drive each way), he was sweet and loving as usual, and even held my hand (which he NEVER did before, we're not hand-holders) as we walked and talked. I guess it's just hard for me cause he always talks to me (either drunk or sober) cause he always says I'm his best friend (and he's mine) but now when he talks from rehab, it's brief, it's like I wonder what he's really thinking. And today, he did say to me he didn't think we had marital problems, that the counselor said "you must if you're here and she was going to leave you" but was it really a little hint for me that he does have issues? I just don't know anymore, and I really don't want to answer the phone or talk to him for awhile, but I don't want to screw up his head either, yet I don't want to say anything to screw up his recovery either. It's just confusing this time around. I just don't know anymore.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
QT, I know how you feel. The first time my A was in rehab, was the first time for me.
Essentially, I think this is the first time for you too
I oftened wondered too, what was he thinking? I walked on eggshells, afraid to say anything that might mess with his recovery. But I had fears and questions too. I didn't talk about it with him for almost the reasons you don't. I was confused and not really sure how to handle it all. Looking back, Ididn't even realize they gave detoxing A's some heavy duty meds to help them with withdrawals. Essentially, inthe begining, he was still altered.
As he was weaned off the drugs, after detox, he bacame a tad more lucid. Again, it was still all bout him and his day, and this meeting and that person yaddda, yadda, yadda,,,But I was noticing he was more cognitive of reality each and every day.
I too had a LONG drive both ways. I decided, I needed to make some of this time, and yes, truth be told, some of my THOUGHTS out while he was SOBER. I didn't frankly CARE at that point he was in a facility. It was my opportunity to finally say, "shut up for a few minutes BIG DOPE" and lets talk about the things that have been festering at the surface for so long!!!"
Up front, honest and open
I told him how I felt. He told me how he felt
Neither one of us screwed up the other's head
We did learn, we had a lot to work on,,Formulated a plan of attack so to speak. For us it was counseling and working our indiviual programs
And in the porcess I made GOOD use of the time I was there to make the distance worth it,,,,When I would visit thereafter, yes, we talked about his prgress, meeting ect. But the difference was we incorporated HIS recovery into "our" recovery. We talked about how what he was learning affected ME.
Have you thought about asking him what he thinks?
Peace
Essentially, I think this is the first time for you too
I oftened wondered too, what was he thinking? I walked on eggshells, afraid to say anything that might mess with his recovery. But I had fears and questions too. I didn't talk about it with him for almost the reasons you don't. I was confused and not really sure how to handle it all. Looking back, Ididn't even realize they gave detoxing A's some heavy duty meds to help them with withdrawals. Essentially, inthe begining, he was still altered.
As he was weaned off the drugs, after detox, he bacame a tad more lucid. Again, it was still all bout him and his day, and this meeting and that person yaddda, yadda, yadda,,,But I was noticing he was more cognitive of reality each and every day.
I too had a LONG drive both ways. I decided, I needed to make some of this time, and yes, truth be told, some of my THOUGHTS out while he was SOBER. I didn't frankly CARE at that point he was in a facility. It was my opportunity to finally say, "shut up for a few minutes BIG DOPE" and lets talk about the things that have been festering at the surface for so long!!!"
Up front, honest and open
I told him how I felt. He told me how he felt
Neither one of us screwed up the other's head
We did learn, we had a lot to work on,,Formulated a plan of attack so to speak. For us it was counseling and working our indiviual programs
And in the porcess I made GOOD use of the time I was there to make the distance worth it,,,,When I would visit thereafter, yes, we talked about his prgress, meeting ect. But the difference was we incorporated HIS recovery into "our" recovery. We talked about how what he was learning affected ME.
Have you thought about asking him what he thinks?
Peace
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by queenteree 
I don't want to say anything to screw up his recovery either.
YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT
YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT
YOU CAN'T CURE IT
A hard thing for us Codie's to understand and believe, but it is so very true and once you realize that, life becomes so much easier.
Repeat it, repeat it, repeat it...........
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by queenteree
I just ran to the store to get ricotta cheese for my dinner and I'm thinking how I'm here, holding down the fort, going to work every day, doing all the things as usual, even washed all his dirty laundry that he sent home with my and ran after work to the UPS store to send it back to him and you know what - when he calls me every night and morning, he always tells me what "he" did - like "Morning babe - it's morning hugs (we always hugged in the morning and at night). I just got done taking my 2 mile walk and figured I'd call you." I'd ask how he was - he says "oh, good, saw four horses this morning, etc." At night "Hey babe - nightime hugs - just got back from the meeting." I ask "was it a good meeting" he says "yeah, we talked about ...." and starts telling me what they talked about and what he learned in group sessions, etc. Tells me his plans on going to diner therapy when he gets home and fishing or golfing with this one or that one, and that I should be happy cause then he'll have sober friends, etc. Never once does he ask me "How are you holding up?" "What's new with you" Nothing!!! Never once does he say he's going to make up to me the time "we" lost because he realizes he screwed up. Nothing about "us" (except he can't wait to fool around with me). I'm not taking his calls for a few days, I don't know if I can resist the urge to tell him how I feel, and I just want to let it slide, but I'll tell you, I'm not happy!
Oh, the laundry thing made me LAUGH, not at you, but a memory from when hubby was in treatment........my first visit, he ask me to take his laundry home and wash it for him and bring it back a couple days later when I was down for MY group and meeting. I said ok, codie that I am and he started loading it up. I mentioned it to my counselor in passing and SHE HAD A COW!!! toooooooo funny......hubby got called on the carpet immediately and seriously scolded.........you see, they have laundry facilities and have to do their own laundry....he was being manipulative and trying to get out of it by sneaking his laundry home with me......Needless to say he did his own laundry for 35 days and I never once saw him dirty. They had to wash their own sheets, blankets and everything......
I would check it out. I BET HE IS SUPPOSE TO DO HIS OWN LAUNDRY............don't do it again, he is a big boy and can figure out how to get his clothes clean on his own.
Just had to share as this was the first of many lessons I learned about how much and how often my husband manipulated me AND HOW I LET HIM!!!
He can wash his socks in the sink if he has to, you have enough on your plate right now with holding down the fort. Let him take care of himself on his end, laundry and all.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Sometimes, the miracle is recognizing that you deserve more out of life and walking away. I waited 24 years for what I thought was "my miracle"--a sober life with Richard. And while he did reach and maintain sobriety for 8 months, his life was still centered around drinking--or not drinking. My life was centered around him and his life was centered around AA. I was still giving it my all and receiving very little in return.
And on top of that, he had relapses. Two major relapses, followed by long periods of sobriety. As I began to grow stronger, I began to realize that I still deserved more than this. Living life with a sober partner means always waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for the next relapse. It doesn't matter if it never comes. All it takes is fear that it may come to keep a person from living their best life.
I want a life lived in freedom from alcoholism, not a life lived in fear of alcoholism. And the only way I could guarantee that was to end my relationship with Richard. I still love him dearly. I know I always will. But I've come to love myself more.
After waiting for 24 years for Richard to get his life together, I was no longer willing to "give it another year." So I walked away knowing that Richard was giving it his all. And it was the best decision I've ever made. I've taken my life back and I'll never give it away or let someone else's addiction control me again.
And on top of that, he had relapses. Two major relapses, followed by long periods of sobriety. As I began to grow stronger, I began to realize that I still deserved more than this. Living life with a sober partner means always waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for the next relapse. It doesn't matter if it never comes. All it takes is fear that it may come to keep a person from living their best life.
I want a life lived in freedom from alcoholism, not a life lived in fear of alcoholism. And the only way I could guarantee that was to end my relationship with Richard. I still love him dearly. I know I always will. But I've come to love myself more.
After waiting for 24 years for Richard to get his life together, I was no longer willing to "give it another year." So I walked away knowing that Richard was giving it his all. And it was the best decision I've ever made. I've taken my life back and I'll never give it away or let someone else's addiction control me again.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
He called me last night and this morning (as he usually does). He did ask me how my day was. Of course, there was nothing new to tell him. I told him how I felt last night, he told me that our marriage did not need fixing, he never thought it did, it was something the counselor said and that he (RAH) is the one that screwed things up and is fixing them right now starting with stopping drinking and getting the help he needs. He told me that I am his best friend and that I can talk to him about anything cause nothing will mess with his recovery cause he's going to do this this time and we're going to have many happy, sober years like last time. He said going there was the best thing he ever did and told me to stop worrying and just be me. I do feel better now, and I'm hoping for the best. Thanks for listening, and any input is still appreciated.
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