Twofour

Thank you. And it helps to have knowledge. Just such a roller coaster of pain.

Twofour

Thanks taking some baby steps makes me feel like I am not the visitor in my own life. Counselor helping too. Like my private specialist. Wish insurance covered so I could go every week but baby steps. Thanks to all for posting.

AliWProk

Just putting this out there: Some people are photophobic (like me!) and so their pupils are almost always small. Mine are almost like pin-holes if I'm outside without sunglasses. Even indoor lighting, if bright, will cause this.

Twofour

New things happening. Some suggestions. Think my addict is using again. Quietly secretly at night when I am sleeping then I wake early for work. Do you just wait till he says I need help. Or wait till something happens. ....... My anxiety and fear are thru the roof. I know he has to reach out for the life preserver. But do I at least throw it?
Let him know I know? Sorry such newbee at this. ... I have no one but people that don't understand and say put him back in rehab immediately before it gets worse. Help please.

Lovenjoy

hey rosie. i can feel your anxiety, i have lived with it many times. i'm struggling to make suggestions. it is such an 'i don't know what to do' place to be.

Ann posted a reading In Between (?) which is where i am much of the time...

i would let my son know if i thought he was using. and sometimes i'm sure i was wrong. maybe put it in a way to help yourself get out what you are feeling like 'i can't live with active addiction so i really hope you are doing what you need to do. let me know if i can help." and leave it at that???

accusing just sets up the prove it scenario which does no good for anybody.

as always - take care of you.

Tiredofdrugs

Hmmmmmmmm Rosie! If he wasn't living in your home? Living out on his own? You wouldn't know if he was using or not using! But since he's living in your home? It's your right to set the rules! Make a stand and put your foot down! He's going to get pizzed off, but at least you're taking control back over y'all's domain! Tell him: "NOT in MY/OUR home!" Ask him if he thinks it's funny dragging his little brother down the same path he's taking? Ask him what it is about the high he's needing so badly! Is life that bad that he needs to escape in the drugs?

It's just a matter of time before he's caught by the law and will end up with a record! If he thinks it's hard now finding a job? Wait till he has a record! There's 100's of clean ppl standing in line for the same job he'll be applying for too! Who do you think is going to get hired?

What does he enjoy doing? Can he volunteer to help at places? Animal shelters, soup kitchens, church things, children's hospital, elderly homes? Boredom has a lot of ppl still using these days!

Kids/Adults get pizzed off no matter what! They don't even have to be using either! It's being human! Is he paying for that cellphone he's using or are you? You can go online and check the numbers he's contacting to get the drugs! Turn them in to the police! Use it as a threat to your son! Take the phone from him if you're paying for it!

Do whatever you need to do to get control of things in your home! He's over 18 years old. If he moves out? Then you carry on in your home! My stepdaughter moved in with us after she turned 18. A month and a half after dealing with her constant screwups and wanting to have her way all the time? She decided she'd had enough of our rules. She said: "I'm 18 and I'm an adult! I'm moving out!" I had just bought her a new cellphone under my name and my plans! I told her to leave the phone on the counter on her way out! She had a friend come pick her up and left! It took her about two weeks to beg her mother to let her move back in! She found out life is tough out there w/o a parent to help her out! Kids will use and abuse us as long as they can get by with it! She's 25 now with three kids. She understands now what we "Parent's" were trying to teach her. We are all good within the relationships now also!

I hope you find the way and means to get thru this!

TOD

Twofour

TOD, Thanks. I hear you. I know it's always said he's gotta want to do it but then I am caving as a parent. Feels like I want to yell and say. Not here. Not coming home here high. Can't afford a drug test every other day.

Twofour

They say don't check cell phones and messages butvthatvmakes no sense to me. Chow do I protect me and my younger son. I don't want to wait till he's rel bad again. I know I may not have choice but I feel like a prisoner in my own house stupidly. I'm worried to stir the pot in case I am wrong. It's freakin nuts.

Twofour

Thank you so much. I'm tired. I've never been so tired.

Twofour

Thanks so much

Tiredofdrugs

Then yell and scream! You're going to hold it in so long you'll explode in one way or another! And hopefully it's not the other! A mental breakdown!

Most ppl will cringe at what I'm going to say! But it's who I am!

I grew up a country Tomboy! I yelled across fields to my Aunt that lived across them. I had horses way out in fields I'd yell to get their attention to come up! I spent 9 weeks in Army basic training and then went straight into AIT for 12 weeks! I was taller, more muscular and stood above all but two in my unit of females! I could be heard singing the cadence's above all of them too! So when I graduated and came back home? There I was with a 4 1/2 yro daughter and soon to be a single mother to boot! Big sigh!

We were more like sister's than mother and daughter growing up! We got along great! We had our problems too though! Like when she would have her face stuck in the TV! I'd start out asking her nicely to do something. Like clean your room, pick your toys up, time for a bath, etc. After the third time of asking I'd walk over and turn the TV off to get her attention! Oh the screaming and crying commenced at that point. I'd look her square in the face and yell at her! "I've asked you three times now to do whatever it was! Then I told her I was going to put a 5 1/2 combat boot sideways up her butt if she didn't get moving. Well that got silence and I saw her fly out of the room to get accomplished what I was asking!" You always hear the phrase: "A whipping stick is an attention getter" "My boot and loud stern voice was the attention getter"! And btw! That's a men's size boot! I wear a women's 8!

What I did back then accomplished the thing I wanted! I got her attention and she did what I was asking of her! She's put 12 years in the Active Duty Air Force and now has a job working as an IT! She's married and has two wonderful kids! So I'd say I didn't damage her any!

My stepdaughter's two young boys are a handful. They are 2 and 4! The 4 yro stood and screamed in my face one day he didn't want to eat his cheese crackers out of a plastic bowl. He wanted a glass bowl! I told him NO! Then he stood there and screamed in my face! I leaned down so our faces were real close together and I let him have it with a soldier's yell: "I can scream too! You aren't getting any cheese crackers unless it's in this(plastic) bowl!" He hasn't screamed at me since then! LOL As a matter of fact! When they come over to visit now? He runs and leaps into my arms with a gleeful Meamaw all the way to me! LOL

I'm a very laid back person and easy to get along with! But I'm not going to take any chit from a child trying to boss me around or get their way! Same goes for adults! You respect me and I'll respect you! No matter what the age is!

Try this scenario on your son! If you were my daughter and I suspected you were pregnant? I'd make you take a pregnacy test. Plain and simple! So why wouldn't I expect you to take a drug test if I suspected you were using? So do I need to test you for drugs or not?

As for the phone? Make a copy of the phone numbers being called. Seal them in an envelope and put it away! Ask him if he'd like for you to turn it over to the police? Because you want the drug using stopped!

TOD

Morning Glory

I think the best thing to do now Rosie is to come up with a game plan that you will be able to follow through with when you are ready to take action.

When you say it got bad last time what happened?

Twofour

Him begging Me for help and saying. Please hear me mom don't go easy on me I'm really bad. I just feel like a prisoner in my own house. Always not knowing sleeping with one eye half open. My family keep saying. Drug test him. If dirty get him to rehab again. But I know you all have shared. So many times your loved ones went in and out. Over an over. I know there is not one answer. Confused and losing my sanity.

Morning Glory

I'm sorry for so many questions Rosie.
Is he working or going to school? Does he have any plans of getting out on his own?
What does he do all day?

greeteachday

Rosie, I'm so sorry you are feeling so emotionally and physically exhausted. I remember that feeling - probably one of the worst I ever experienced.

At the risk of adding to the questions, I would ask what are the things that would help you feel less exhausted? I get the sense that your efforts to figure out how to control his use are the biggest stressors along with your fear that he will get worse. I don't think you can really control what he will do, but perhaps stepping back from reacting to the voices of family members telling you what you need to do would help a little.

I've found that sometimes doing nothing IS an action. If he is back to using, you will know soon. Right now, protecting yourself seems like the most important thing - you sound so tired. How can you help yourself not to feel a prisoner in your own home? Can you take some small steps to stop trying to control what he is doing and to slow all the racing "what if" thoughts going on in your head? Sending some hugs. I know it feels truly overwhelming, but I have confidence in you.

Twofour

He wants to get back into school he hates being bored and stuck at home. Has a job full time starting next week. He has been working doing snow removal past few weeks. When he is not working. he has been cleaning and painting at my house. No real plans for him going out on his till school is done Che has only 6 classes left and will have a bachelors in risk management. Very cool. Smart kid for sure. He will start classes again in may because I had to putvhimvon a medical hold due to inpatient. He doesn't have a great deal of faith. So that part of the program bothers him. He is a realist. Black or white for him. I can't even get him to go online to check it out. I told him it has been helping me do much And he lives on cell and on line. He thinks he can do it himself. So for me. Do a drug test. Say rehab or out. But if he doesn't want to be sober than. What's the point? for me the point is. Wait until he gets back to using all day again? I'm babling. Sorry just feel angry

Twofour

I think family are trying to help but knowing the program little. How could you know he was doing it and not make him go to rehab again. They are making me feel like **** in a situation that already sucks. I know I can't control but is it so unreasonable to get him back in rehab? He is still on my insurance Of course it is. I know my answer. Lord. I pray for some guidance. Thanks. I am trying to figure out how not to feel so scared in my own house. Not afraid of him. Just of what's next. I do tell myself. Just today. Ty

greeteachday

I think a lot of people who don't have too much experience with addiction think that rehab is the "cure" for addiction rather than a safe place to spend time away from drugs and to get the tools to work on staying clean and sober.

I don't know that it is unreasonable not to be in rehab if he is at that point again, but unless he is willing, hard to do.

Has he considered a sober living environment - something like an Oxford House?

I definitely found the period of early recovery, especially with the struggle and not knowing whether she was using or not, when or if the other shoe was going to drop, etc. to be incredibly stressful. The only way I got past it was to shift the focus every single time I found myself obsessing. It was hard. really hard. I would pray out loud or say the serenity Prayer over and over out loud whenever I was alone, because I knew I could not speak the words out loud and future-trip at the same time. For whatever reason, that really helped me.

Morning Glory

I would just yell "NO" Greet. Over and over.

I know it's easier said than done Rosie, but none of your fears or obsessing on his using is serving any kind of a purpose toward change.
Not for you and not for him.
It's all like shoveling smoke. A lot of work with no results.

When you have time read through this post. It has techniques to stop the thought process. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

Your son has a lot of positive things going for him with his school and work. It doesn't seem like he is in a stagnant place where he just wants to sit around and let you take care of him. He still has goals he is working on.

I think you are in the "Doing nothing is an action" place like Greet said. You can do more when you know more.

Lovenjoy

when i'm overwhelmed i pray - Lord guide me now... like greet said sometimes doing nothing IS an action.

you don't need all the answers right now rosie but as i was told i can't be of any help if i'm not well. you've heard the family's input so maybe back away a bit? you are the one living with this.

breath... in... out... breath...

some pluses i see - he's asking for help, he's working, he's been to rehab so he has tools, he has goals and you are in his corner.....

what can you do to comfort yourself? a hot bath? calming music? a good book? maybe try to take your focus off the problem for at least a few hours?

and try to sleep. when we're tired everything looks worse.

also i think that my son seeing me take care of myself has been a real encouragement to him taking better care of himself. he sees me going to meetings and reaching out to friends and being gentle with myself - taking control of the things i can control... sometimes i think when i'm overly focused on him and micromanaging his actions i have inadvertently worsened things for him... so i am learning to put my focus on me. and still deal with whatever comes up but i'm not as frazzled ... just some thoughts.

praying for you tonight my friend...