Stuck between rock and hard place
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Dear Rosie - I am so sorry you are experiencing such difficult times right now. It can be so isolating and sad to go through this with your son. I hope things start to improve soon for you, your son, and your whole family.
Everyone - am I right in thinking that it is important to stick to rules and boundaries that are laid down? When Rosie's son got out of rehab, she told him she wanted a weekly drug test. Honestly, I don't know if there's an obvious answer here as these issues are very new to me as well.
Wishing you the best, Rosie.
Everyone - am I right in thinking that it is important to stick to rules and boundaries that are laid down? When Rosie's son got out of rehab, she told him she wanted a weekly drug test. Honestly, I don't know if there's an obvious answer here as these issues are very new to me as well.
Wishing you the best, Rosie.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Seasaw, I would agree that it isn't a good idea to set boundaries or rules that are broken without something happening. I think I see drug testing more as a house rule than a boundary. I think of boundaries as things I do for myself - to protect me. Something like, I will not allow myself to be verbally abused. if someone starts yelling at me, I will end the conversation and leave. That protects me from the impact of verbal abuse.
I always liked the expression "Say what you mean; mean what you say, but don't say it mean." I try to remember that when I am dealing with situations that make me angry (usually because I am fearful) or anxious. I think it is also a good idea when establishing boundaries and/or house rules.
Something I also found helpful for me especially as I was just starting to learn how to deal with addiction in my life, was that it was okay for me to change my mind. I think that can be (or should be) different than not following through. The counselor at the first place my daughter went to detox was very into pushing for a "contract" with my daughter where we set out all our rules. I started doing it because I'm a rule follower and he said I needed to do it. As I got a little stronger I realized that I wasn't ready to kick her out if she violated a house rule. I also wasn't comfortable with suddenly having all this stuff in writing. So I told my daughter that I wanted to talk about this again and mutually agree that we would respect each other and we talked about the ways we would do that. Was that the right thing to do? I'm not sure - but it was what I could live with and it made for a more supportive environment. I suspect the outcome wouldn't be as good for others who have different dynamics with their loved one.
I always liked the expression "Say what you mean; mean what you say, but don't say it mean." I try to remember that when I am dealing with situations that make me angry (usually because I am fearful) or anxious. I think it is also a good idea when establishing boundaries and/or house rules.
Something I also found helpful for me especially as I was just starting to learn how to deal with addiction in my life, was that it was okay for me to change my mind. I think that can be (or should be) different than not following through. The counselor at the first place my daughter went to detox was very into pushing for a "contract" with my daughter where we set out all our rules. I started doing it because I'm a rule follower and he said I needed to do it. As I got a little stronger I realized that I wasn't ready to kick her out if she violated a house rule. I also wasn't comfortable with suddenly having all this stuff in writing. So I told my daughter that I wanted to talk about this again and mutually agree that we would respect each other and we talked about the ways we would do that. Was that the right thing to do? I'm not sure - but it was what I could live with and it made for a more supportive environment. I suspect the outcome wouldn't be as good for others who have different dynamics with their loved one.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
I think the best advice I've seen here is to get yourself to Naranon if you can physicially do so. You need the support and wisdom of people who have successfully dealt with what you're dealing with. You're, understandably, in an emotional whirlpool right now. Its so heartbreaking and filled with so many emotions that you really need constant contact with those who understand. Addicts are so clever at manipulating the emotions of those who love them and the clear heads of other Naranons can help you see when that's happening. Right now all you can do is take care of you. In the long run, that will be best for your son too. Being here at SR and talking is a great first step and I'm happy to see you here. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Thank you for your insight. I agree life is all about change. I would like to think less than 30 days out I can support encourage and hopefully he works the program. I am building my inner me now to be able to get to tomorrow and te next.... I'm not sure what I'm ready for but mutual respect is important. I won't tolerate verbal abuse either.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi everyone!
I feel too much of the back porch sitting with family and friends. Not keeping the faith in our lives is what's missing today!
My husband's nephew is Catholic. He's 16 yrs old, in band in HS and is a well mannered young man! I asked him what his plans were for college? He said it's music! He's been talking to my husband about Ham/CB radio training too! Surprisingly? He doesn't text either! LOL Amazing!
I'm not a church goer now? But I still have the belief and still go from time to time. My daughter has also started taking her two young kids to church each Sunday too. Her husband goes when he's there. He works all over the world in the AD AF.
I'm not Preaching here and saying everyone should go to Church! I'm just saying all this to give everyone another avenue to look at to get your lives turned around. We have to find peace within ourselves in order to handle the chaos around us.
And here's a video I've shared on SR before, but worth sharing again here!
TOD
I feel too much of the back porch sitting with family and friends. Not keeping the faith in our lives is what's missing today!
My husband's nephew is Catholic. He's 16 yrs old, in band in HS and is a well mannered young man! I asked him what his plans were for college? He said it's music! He's been talking to my husband about Ham/CB radio training too! Surprisingly? He doesn't text either! LOL Amazing!
I'm not a church goer now? But I still have the belief and still go from time to time. My daughter has also started taking her two young kids to church each Sunday too.
Her husband goes when he's there. He works all over the world in the AD AF.I'm not Preaching here and saying everyone should go to Church! I'm just saying all this to give everyone another avenue to look at to get your lives turned around. We have to find peace within ourselves in order to handle the chaos around us.
And here's a video I've shared on SR before, but worth sharing again here!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear TOD,
Good to hear from you and thank you for sharing this video...
I often close my eyes and "see" my two beloved daughters as young
children, the thought of opiates and Herion so far from their futures.
We can't live in yesterday.
They now are 20 & 23, grown women with a disease that they have to
fight off every day. I stay in today, tomorrow's too painful to predict.
And TOD, arn't you sober some 225 days? Ya Ya! Great job and an
inspiration to the SR family! Congratulations!
TF
Good to hear from you and thank you for sharing this video...
I often close my eyes and "see" my two beloved daughters as young
children, the thought of opiates and Herion so far from their futures.
We can't live in yesterday.
They now are 20 & 23, grown women with a disease that they have to
fight off every day. I stay in today, tomorrow's too painful to predict.
And TOD, arn't you sober some 225 days? Ya Ya! Great job and an
inspiration to the SR family! Congratulations!
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by Twofish 
Dear TOD,
Good to hear from you and thank you for sharing this video...
I often close my eyes and "see" my two beloved daughters as young
children, the thought of opiates and Herion so far from their futures.
We can't live in yesterday.
They now are 20 & 23, grown women with a disease that they have to
fight off every day. I stay in today, tomorrow's too painful to predict.
And TOD, arn't you sober some 225 days? Ya Ya! Great job and an
inspiration to the SR family! Congratulations!
TF
Good to hear from you and thank you for sharing this video...
I often close my eyes and "see" my two beloved daughters as young
children, the thought of opiates and Herion so far from their futures.
We can't live in yesterday.
They now are 20 & 23, grown women with a disease that they have to
fight off every day. I stay in today, tomorrow's too painful to predict.
And TOD, arn't you sober some 225 days? Ya Ya! Great job and an
inspiration to the SR family! Congratulations!
TF
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I am building my inner me now to be able to get to tomorrow and the next
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Last edited by greeteachday; 12-26-2017 at 03:37 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Rosie, you have my prayers and empathy--sounds as if you are handling things. The one thing about the drug testing--that also seems to me to be more about a house rule...and what I had to learn with my 2nd daughter who used drugs (crystal meth) was that we had to follow-through when she tested dirty--it took us 3 years (basically all of her high school) to catch it as there are more than many ways to hide...it was 4 days before her 18th birthday and we got up out of a rehab group and took her to the police station...charged her with grand felony theft (which we had offered to forgive if she stayed clean for the 3 weeks before her 18th birthday). Ultimately it was probably a step in her recovery path...but it was painful...yet I am glad we did it...don't know how much worse it would have gotten had we not acted and followed through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by irisgardens
Rosie, you have my prayers and empathy--sounds as if you are handling things. The one thing about the drug testing--that also seems to me to be more about a house rule...and what I had to learn with my 2nd daughter who used drugs (crystal meth) was that we had to follow-through when she tested dirty--it took us 3 years (basically all of her high school) to catch it as there are more than many ways to hide...it was 4 days before her 18th birthday and we got up out of a rehab group and took her to the police station...charged her with grand felony theft (which we had offered to forgive if she stayed clean for the 3 weeks before her 18th birthday). Ultimately it was probably a step in her recovery path...but it was painful...yet I am glad we did it...don't know how much worse it would have gotten had we not acted and followed through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Hi all need some Some something ...... Just found out my son is using again but now my second son had Percs on him too. I know both on Percs today. No need for a drug test for either. Two pills in my second sons cigarette pack. I dont know what to do now. I know all of this and I don't know what I need to do next. I'm so scared. I have no one to reach out to now. So alone. So numb. Please someone read this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Actually I was grabbing a cigarette I grab one once in awhile. Didn't expect that. Could see my son out of rehab. Pupils were small. He just did a snow removal job and had a good bit of money. When I asked for my money. The money I said he had to contribute each week to house he said there wasn't much left. So I knew. My second son eyes looked same. Want to scream. Said nothing. Need to process. As always need my time to process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
My ex is a workng drinker but his world is black or white. Addiction is an embarrassment and will only take car away and punish. Deprive car. Cell anything but acknowledge the real issue. Should call him. He needs to know. Have my young 14 yr old here so trying not to lose it. He will spend time going to his fathers on Wednesday.
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