Stuck between rock and hard place
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Originally Posted by Seren 
How many children do you have, Rosie? Are more than one of them struggling with addiction? Numb is sometimes completely understandable.
Since you are the parent, you pay the rent/mortgage, you get to decide the house rules. House rules are a different thing altogether than boundaries. House rules might include things like: they must either be in school or have a job while living with you. If they have a job, they must contribute to the expenses of running the house, buying groceries, etc. No drugs or drinking in the house, no being drunk or high while in the house....if you are drunk or high when you try to come home, please find someplace else to sleep because it will not be here.
Is this hard? Yep! Yes, very!! Felt like being a big meanie for us, but we had a right to not completely destroy our peace, our sanity, and our finances on the altar of someone else's addiction.
This doesn't come easy--none of it. It's awful. It's hard, and I HATE confrontation--I'm a big wuss. But we were finally motivated by sheer desperation and exhaustion, and a deep longing for peace.
You will find a path that works for you, Rosie! I have faith in you!
Since you are the parent, you pay the rent/mortgage, you get to decide the house rules. House rules are a different thing altogether than boundaries. House rules might include things like: they must either be in school or have a job while living with you. If they have a job, they must contribute to the expenses of running the house, buying groceries, etc. No drugs or drinking in the house, no being drunk or high while in the house....if you are drunk or high when you try to come home, please find someplace else to sleep because it will not be here.
Is this hard? Yep! Yes, very!! Felt like being a big meanie for us, but we had a right to not completely destroy our peace, our sanity, and our finances on the altar of someone else's addiction.
This doesn't come easy--none of it. It's awful. It's hard, and I HATE confrontation--I'm a big wuss. But we were finally motivated by sheer desperation and exhaustion, and a deep longing for peace.
You will find a path that works for you, Rosie! I have faith in you!
Thank you so much for some direction. Seren. Thank you for your help. A blessing and I appreciate you.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
I have faith in you too Rosie. Listen to Seren... she's 100% and more... right. Your heart is going to be broken either way you go so opt for the one that brings the most peace to your home and everyone or (else) in it.
Edit... I was posting when you were Rosie and just read that one. Most definitely enforce house rules for the welfare of your 14 year-old... now and in for his future... he needs to see a healthy way.
Edit... I was posting when you were Rosie and just read that one. Most definitely enforce house rules for the welfare of your 14 year-old... now and in for his future... he needs to see a healthy way.
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Hi all. Wanted some thoughts. My brother is a RA Drugs. He is in town and was gonna help me by sitting down with my two boys to see what is going on. What the recovery plan is going to be. Any downside of him helping me? He knows what is happening and has actually been to meetings with each of them. Intervention but not. Really just some real support for me Thoughts?.
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Well my kids and my RA brother and I met last night. Not sure what iwas looking for but he got little real with them about death sentence and going down same path. Efined insanity as doing the same thing but expecting different outcome. Oldest son Veryvdefensivevsaying he is sick of talking about addiction all the time every moment of every day. With everyone. Said I only talk about that and stare at their eyes every day to see if they are high on Percs. Wishes for a normal conversation. So cards face up. There is truth in that i know i do that but they also manipulated conversation To be my fault. If she always thinks I'm high. I should just use. Too much. RA brother did well is his talk but I have to just set house rules and protect myself .. At this point there are no clear consequences for actions with regard to using. Cause I'm scared to draw line in sand but my counselor and naranon helping me with that. My update for the day. Gotta work and get to meeting. Thanks to SR. I feel like I can talk safely.
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Start small Rosie.
Can you make a list of things you want to change and start creating small boundaries you can enforce in your own home?
You can't force them to stop using, but you can start enforcing some boundaries that protect you and your younger son.
The hardest boundary to enforce would be saying you can't live in my home if you are using. If you are not ready for that boundary think of something easier you can start with.
The last time my son was with me he was trying to stop drinking and having a hard time. I tired to help him for 2 or 3 months. My boundary was not allowing him to be in my home when I wasn't home. That was pretty easy for me.
He couldn't stop drinking on his own and refused help so I made him leave, but the boundaries worked for a short time before that.
Can you make a list of things you want to change and start creating small boundaries you can enforce in your own home?
You can't force them to stop using, but you can start enforcing some boundaries that protect you and your younger son.
The hardest boundary to enforce would be saying you can't live in my home if you are using. If you are not ready for that boundary think of something easier you can start with.
The last time my son was with me he was trying to stop drinking and having a hard time. I tired to help him for 2 or 3 months. My boundary was not allowing him to be in my home when I wasn't home. That was pretty easy for me.
He couldn't stop drinking on his own and refused help so I made him leave, but the boundaries worked for a short time before that.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Of course, we want them to stop using/drinking but, ultimately, its their life and their choice and I, personally, would see demanding that as a kind of emotional/financial blackmail especially if it was directed at me and I wasn't sober. However, house rules like not leaving doors unlocked, coming in too late, partying in the house, perhaps even using/drinking in the house in some cases or being out of control due to substances or emotions is about them being courteous toward other household members. Monitoring their conduct instead of their condition might by more acceptable in other words and alleviates the need for me to play cop/doctor. I learned early that consequence must be logical or they're going to be resented. For instance, a person might be okay drinking in the house... not doing it to excess or causing problems because of it ... but I, as a RA myself, don't want it in my home due to my own sobriety and potentially putting me at risk... that's logical.
Its hearbreaking, I know, and hope it gets resolved. (((hugs)))
Its hearbreaking, I know, and hope it gets resolved. (((hugs)))
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It really does take practice to have boundaries and to have house rules (chores, etc.). As MG said, small changes implemented one at a time that you feel fairly confident about is a great way to start. That was the key for Mr. Seren and I.
How are you feeling today, Rosie?
How are you feeling today, Rosie?
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Morning Seren. I'm ok. I'm struggling with feeling like I live on egg shells. My older son is starting a new job. He said he was going to move his iop to eves so he can take this job. I backed off and allowed him to take charge of that. It didn't happen he said he was only going there for me not him. He would do it but it would only be for me cause he feels like he is sitting with all kids doing what mom says and stepping outside doing drugs. But is it his fear for having to look close and personal. Likes NA cause open forum. Or it could be he's an addict and his mouth is moving. So now what The job scares me cause money will be flowing again. I have to get to a point when all their steps don't effect me the way I am allowing them to now. I want to be firm and consistent and find strength for me and my younger son.
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There is a netti pot and meds in my bathroom. While I have always had one for colds and allergies seems used little more often. After little research helps apparently when people snort drugs. So I tell him. I will not have anything to do with drugs in my house and throw it out? That has to be my plan I feel as if they think I just don't know. I didn't buy it so my normal side would never throw it out but I'm not a normal mom anymore am I?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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No, Rosie... We are not "normal" anymore. We suffer from a version of PTSD, always on alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to tell myself every day that I didn't cause this and these are not MY problems. Yes, we suffer along with them but ultimately it's their baby. When I can convince myself of this I can be in a good place...
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Originally Posted by Rosie2015
Morning Seren. I'm ok. I'm struggling with feeling like I live on egg shells. My older son is starting a new job. He said he was going to move his iop to eves so he can take this job. I backed off and allowed him to take charge of that. It didn't happen he said he was only going there for me not him. He would do it but it would only be for me cause he feels like he is sitting with all kids doing what mom says and stepping outside doing drugs. But is it his fear for having to look close and personal. Likes NA cause open forum. Or it could be he's an addict and his mouth is moving. So now what The job scares me cause money will be flowing again. I have to get to a point when all their steps don't effect me the way I am allowing them to now. I want to be firm and consistent and find strength for me and my younger son.
I wanted to point out in reference to him going to work? Most jobs drug test future hires and thru the year! So this just might be what helps him to stay clean!
TOD
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Originally Posted by Tiredofdrugs
Hi Rosie!
I wanted to point out in reference to him going to work? Most jobs drug test future hires and thru the year! So this just might be what helps him to stay clean!
TOD
I wanted to point out in reference to him going to work? Most jobs drug test future hires and thru the year! So this just might be what helps him to stay clean!
TOD
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thinking of you and your boys rosie. was thinking today that you are at least aware of your sons' issues with drugs - i was in the dark, denial? or ignorance not sure, for years so both of us got very, very ill.....
just saying, you're ahead of the game by quite a bit in that you are facing reality sooner than i ever did! for me acceptance was a huge step in healing the hurts this disease inflicts on the family. "when we know better we do better." probably my favorite saying.
take care of you, be kind to yourself!
just saying, you're ahead of the game by quite a bit in that you are facing reality sooner than i ever did! for me acceptance was a huge step in healing the hurts this disease inflicts on the family. "when we know better we do better." probably my favorite saying.
take care of you, be kind to yourself!
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