Twofour

I hear you....and my son did pick up a landscaping and snow removal job. Itcstarted last week and kept him real busy. He liked it. Being busy. He said to me. I was a full time student and had a job in eve and did Percs for months and months. This is making me crazy. All the judging. I said I'm not judging just if you fall off get back on. He desperately wants to finish his degree. He's smart. Really smart. Beautiful actually. Thanks. We do talk about other things cause he said he didn't always want to discuss addiction. I finally heard him. Really heard that and I am trying. Thanks again

Twofour

I'm reaching out as I always do when things happen at crazy times of day. Now my ex husband has decided now to tell his family. I had no idea he didn't tell then when my son wentvto rehab. So freakin selfish. Now my son has to relive the whole coming out again to that entire other side. I don't know how to handle him too he wants me to sit with him and my son for new rules and consequences. Not such a bad thought but we have never coparenting. Ever. He just would call names and be a hater so. Now my son resents that I reached out to his dad. Because I raised theses kids on my own besides every other weekend. He wants me to tellcmycson one more dirty test and your out. He can't speak for me. Or tell me what to say. I feel like I need to handle this the way I can

Jaeger

Rosie,
I completely understand where you are coming from. Maybe you could just have a heart to heart talk with your son and explain to him why you reached out. It is such a desperate situation, we reach for any and every avenue that may fix it! Unfortunately, your XH may be ruining his relationship with his son but that is HIS problem....not yours. I agree, your house=yours and only your decision. Thinking of you! One day at a time.

Twofour

Jaeger Thanks I appreciate you responding. Good thoughts. My son said he understands why I reached to his Dad. He just felt betrayedj. I just said I amm no expert here.

Twofish

Dear Rosie,
I've been following you, I've been here...
Please don't allow your XH to throw the "blame game"
at you. It happened to me and it took months and months
to let go of the guilt he planted in my mind.
You are in charge, listen to what your gut is saying.
One thing my RAD told me is that the guilt she felt
when "explaining" to ppl what she has been thru. The
judgement that some family members gave her, hurt her
so badly that she fell into a depression.
Be strong for you and supportive to your beloved son. He has
a DISEASE, he's not a bad person. Plus he doesn't need to
explain his condition to anyone.
My XH is a jerk and uneducated on this disease, if he only knew
the damage he caused...
Thinking of you and your dear son, Rosie
TF

Twofour

Thanks Twofish. I didnt know you went thru that also.... He makes me feel awful and his ******* way is abusive. My young one had to hear this man describe his opinion and a plan he said we were gonna put in place. We. Funny no "we" for 15 years. My young son came in from his dads last night and hugged and cried to me. It scared him and he was scared for me. Not sure why for my ex this just became real. I reached out to him because as a parent I felt he had to know. But as always he has made all his family feel like crap with his attitude. How are you so disgusted to look at your son. He hasn't talked to him yet but small stupid talk. Don't get it. I really needed your post. Thanks. My anxiety is off the roof. He wants to tell me what's gonna happen if he comes up dirty again. He still makes me double check myself.

greeteachday

Fortunately since he is your x, he can talk all he wants, but you don't have to hear a word he says. When he starts spouting venom, I hope you can repeat positive affirmations about you in your head instead of hearing his trash. Your love for your sons is very apparent and you are doing great!

Twofour

I need some help. Has anyone read the AVRT?. Anyone have experience with using that way of treatment or what ever you call it. I know everyone says he has to want to get the help and is willing and signed up to do iop. Does iop do drug tests? I just feel like I know anything to be real anymore. My other child is in the middle and is the keeper of lots of truths. He won't talk. He doesn't want to rat. On other. I don't know how to handle it. I feel like. I need him to be strong and tell addict That he is done. Being whatever minus a brother. I don't know how to handle it. Any thoughts.

Twofour

Bigger than my last post. He's not in recovery anymore. He has made a chice to go back using but agreed to go to iop. I'm not sure what now. Wish I new signs better. God give me strength. To do what I gave to do.

Morning Glory

When does he go back?

Twofour

He is suppose to start again Monday. My other son confessed he's sick to death of being involved with older one. He has 8 days under his belt and he says it's too much being around hon. Now he wants to leave Far away. He did tell him he's done helping him. Hostility everywhere. He said do more random tests. I know what that means. I'm so scared again

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Twofour:

I knew you were feeling the woes when I saw your late post just now! I'm SOOO happy to see the younger son finally coming to his good senses too! Kudos to him for that!

If your son is using again, but still wants to do IOP? Why doesn't he just go back for a long stay in Rehab? It just doesn't seem like he's going to get better going the route he's doing now!

TOD

Lovenjoy

i'm so sorry hon. it's a really tough place to be. we can't force them into recovery and we can't love them into recovery. the best we can do is get out of their way for our own well being and to let them make the choice...

this is a new subsection here and i wondered if you have read the stickies at the top of F&F of Substance Abusers? really good information.

i also found this video on ***** - Dr. Kevin Mccauley Meth and Other Drug and Alcohol Addiction - which helped me understand what was happening to my son. it was an eye opener for me and also helped me understand what people here kept telling me in that we can't take their behavior and actions personally. which helped me in detaching...

keep up those meetings and counseling, and maybe counseling for your youngest? it sounds like he is now feeling he's in crisis and helping him is probably more doable? explore nurturing self care too!

it took me awhile to understand that protecting myself wasn't just about financial/security/physical stuff. i have a right to protect the peace of my home and my emotions too.

another mom walking beside you. keep us posted and be as well as you can be. you are not alone.


p.s. my son's IOP did drug test. i don't know much about AVRT...

Twofour

Thanks Lovenjoy. I'm struggling to keep the balance of each of my children. My son does not seem motivated for the traditional recovery ways. So I'm not sure how it is being done and since my other one said test him. I'm sure he is up and down. So I have to decide what is safe for my other two. He has not become violent or stealing that has shown up. I have protected myself. My son does not want to lose the job he started so do I wait to see it works. Or is it better to talk again about I patient. I'm notcsurecgiven the travel for job he's now gonna be able to get to evening iop. Which can't happen then he could lose his job anyway. Twisted. And I know he has to figure it out but I feel like the lying is so awful and the beast is winning. My meetings are not helping.

Twofour

Question again. My addict is acting weird with grooming. He is fixated on facial scrubs and teeth whitening. Lots of different things for in shower and out. Seems almost OCD ? Has that ever happened to anyone else? A thought I had was not liking what he saw in the mirror and working on the thing he thought he could. I don't know weird night

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Twofour:

If he just got the job? He might be critiquing himself on his looks and his smell! There could also be a new woman he's met?

Your younger son saying test him! Sounds like he knows he's using and doesn't want to be the one to OUT him to mom. If mom does the test? Then bingo! The proof is in the test!

TOD

Twofour

Ivhearvyou and I want to take the weight of my other son. But then what. What do I do with a dirty test. Andvhowvmany times? My ad said today. I got myself in this and I will figure it out. I am only going to outpatient cause you agreed I should. Not because I want to. He said he wants to be normal. Have a normal life. Get the spot light off him. It's miserable to be sober and worse to be using. I said who do you talk to cause he thinks sponsors are stupid. So he said he talks with his friends. Non addicts mostly girls. That can't talk recovery talk. Ugh. So frustrated.

Tiredofdrugs

My ad said today. I got myself in this and I will figure it out. I am only going to outpatient cause you agreed I should. Not because I want to. He said he wants to be normal. Have a normal life. Get the spot light off him. It's miserable to be sober and worse to be using.


You know? I grew up always hearing: "You can't have your cake and eat it too!" Then years later I get to Army Basic Training and a Drill Sergeant says: "This isn't Burger King! You can't have it you're way!"

He doesn't sound like he's ready to stop using! He probably isn't going to go very far in this new job either if he shows up wasted!

There's times I wish the DRAFT still existed! It might have kept a lot of young ppl from using! But who am I to know that to be a fact?

There are programs for the younger generation to get into, but as for your older son? Doing a long stint in Rehab is what seems to be his route needed. He reminds me of a fish out of water floundering on the ground. He's trying to be normal and talking with non-users. And probably messed up while doing so! I want to say more! But I won't!

I'm sorry if I come off as a hard knocks kind of person! I've never been the soft hearted, momma type person! I'm not mean or cruel either! I put it on the line and stick to my guns! Going back and forth - beating around a bush never accomplishes anything! Other than lots of misery and heartache!

You're son is taking advantage of you and then uses the mommie card when things are tough for him. Could be this is how your XH see's it too!

He's already admitted he's using! Save your money and don't waste it on a drug test. There are things he can take thru a doctor to help him abstain from using his DOC. He might need to get on one of those programs?

TOD

Twofour

Help. Stole arrested. Now going to inpatient.....and then jail maybe...omg. I can't breathe

Tiredofdrugs

TwoFour! I'm sorry this has happened! However? It was only a matter of time, before it did! This is one of the consequences of using drugs! When we addicts are in active use? It's using on borrowed time! Jail, Death or Recovery is usually the route we end up in!

Try to calm down! This just might be the thing that gets him the help he's needing to straighten his life out?

Sorry I wasn't here to reply sooner! I'm deep cleaning around the house today!

TOD