Jared112987

Wow I've been so happy with how good I'm doing and I just became so depressed. I'm so sad right now.. I have no desire to use but I've just been thinking about all the stupid things I did while on drugs, mistakes I've made, People I hurt...I feel so bad. I know I cant change the past and only move forward and I've been doing that...It's just that Im really upset right now. Im so proud of myself for even stoping for one day because I was so heavily consumed but now that I think of what I've dont while using for the last 3 1/2 years is really bothering me. I was so stupid how the hell could I have allowed myself to get involved with this sh*t and get so deep in this. I had everything going for me too, I just kinda felt like soemthing was missing and started smoking pot all by myself one day because none of my friends smoked weed because I hung out with the "good kids". Then high school rolled around and all the "good kids" started drinking and smoking....I guess thats how I partly justified it...I was doing drugs and involved in some serious **** with kids who's parents are seen as really influencial and my dad is too and I thought ok if they're doing it too its ok. But the difference was is that I just couldnt pass school with the drugs and they could because most of them had more control and weren't as open as me....I didnt care who knew or what they thought I was doin my thing and what I thought to be doin good for myself. How the hell did I end up like that? I know I should just be gratefull as to where I am now but Im so upset about the things I did and people I've hurt in my addiction. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because I'm just so upset if anyone can help me in anyway please post I'll keep looking in I really need someone to talk to right now. I got a kid whos like a big brother to me who I used with everyday but he allways looked out for me at the same time, he got clean 4 months ago and is there for me when ever I need him, he was just at my house earlier tonight lifting but I'm not gonan call him because it's late and even though he tells me to call him when ever I get like this no matter what time it is. I just dotn feel right doin it to him. Somone please help.

tyler

Hi Jared,

I can so identify with what you are saying, except it took me 16 years to figure it out!! I was a stoner 24/7 for all those years, I even smoked thought the birth of my child!! My wife was in labor and I kept sneaking out to the parking lot to do pinch hits!! How *ucked up is that?? I know it is hard to deal with all the *ucked up things you have done, believe me I do. I wish I could give you some advice that would make it better, but really all you can do is live for the future. The past is the past and there is nothing you can do about it. I don't know how to use the chat here, but if you would like to chat, I am in the Lifering chat room right now. The link is http://www.unhooked.com/chat/index.html just enter a name and you can get in. I'll be there for awhile, so stop by if you get this.

best

Hello Jared

Can't change yesterday but I can change today.
What we did back then we can make amends for in some cases.
I find it more important to deal with today and strive to make today a day that doesn't need to be amended tomorrow.
Today sober I can fix what can be fixed. Today is a good day.

Jared112987

I know I can't change the past but I still feel horrible for what I've done.

best

I gave my number out to a few people.
If I didn't want them calling, I wouldn't give the number out.
If your friend says call then call.
Not calling is taking away from him a joy he may get in helping a friend.

Jared112987

I know I can't change the past but I still feel horrible for what I've done. Tyler I went to the site and noone is logge din the chat and it said it was showing members in all chats that are logged on.

Jared112987

No i wont call him he's there for me constantly no matter what and I just dont want to do it , I'll be lifting with him tomorrow and we cant talka bout it then..for now Im just hittin the weights all night but I still feel terrible like itl never go away but I know everntually it has to plus tyler talked to me and it helped alot but I still feel depressed. I guess I just have to deal with it

littlebopeep

I know just how you feel babe, Im only on day four and I find Im up one minute, and right down the next. I, too, chew my head off and feel ashamed of the things Ive done. I hate myself sometimes, I mean really.

I think the rollercoaster is a part of this recovery thing u have to get thru.

U have found friends here.

xxxxx

Jared112987

Yeah it deffinatly is. In the first week I quit I was feeling really good about myself because I was doing so good in school but when I'd get home I was having soem serious depression and anxiety, it went away after a week but then depression hit me like a mother tonight. It's a different depression than at first though I cant really explain it just so sad but in a different way then when I did when I was arrested and first stoped. Now it's more of like wow jared your a ******* idiot and did some really horrible **** huh? It sucks but its true I did alot of stupid things when I was using. 3 1/2 years of bad things. I know I can control my future and not my past but my past is part of my life and I did soem horrible things in my life. Thanks for your support and seriosuly don't pick up again I dabbled with the powder and just decided it wasnt worth it didn't get physically addicted but if I blew 1 I blew it all in a couple hours sometimes less. I knew it would take me to an even worse place and stoped doing it before I was even arrested. But your making a really brave and important decsiison Bo peep I know people who cant function without it now and they are so addicted its scary. But I hope you stick with your recovery the most important thing is to not pick up.

littlebopeep

Thanks for that honey. Ur doing so well. U have to tell yourself that when ur riding on those storms of depression. I think what makes us human beings unique is that even when people are right at rock bottom and feel they can't get any lower, they will always feel hope, even if its a faint and distant feeling. Hope that things will change, hope that they will change....

And things will change for you. You want to change or you wouldn't have looked for this place in the beginning. And that shows, to me, that you must know that deep down inside your an alright guy (apologies if your female) and that your worth saving, that you have potential, and don't want to self-destruct.

Kissy kisses xxx

Jared112987

It really took alot to get where I am, but I knew it was stay clean or lose my freedom. But I knew the whole time I was using it had to come to an end at some point but I just couldnt see it. I really am a completly knew person and doing so good, have so many ambitions now, but this depression hit hard tonight, it's still there but I'm dealing with it. Tomorrows a new day and I'l most likly feel good again but I know the depression will hit again I just need to deal with it and get through it. I mean I know everyone mkes mistakes, but I just feel I made too many and hurt too many people but I cannot change what I did while using drugs all I can do is make sure I do my best not to hurt people in the future. But even though I know that the depression is still there.

littlebopeep

you have your whole life ahead of you. Make it count. So many people don't.

hpatwork

Jared, I promise you this will pass. There are times in my recovery where I have grieved for what I have done, lost maistakes etc. This is normal. It seems to be that a big common denominator we all have is that we come into the rooms broken and not feeling "good enough". I am sure you have heard this but "We are not bad people getting good, we are sick and getting better"! This day, this moment, is what is the most important and even then you will find things you didn’t do right BUT if you focus the SAME amount of time and energy thinking about what you have done RIGHT TODAY, this is key. The promises tell us we will not regret the past. You will see this someday has a part of your plan, God’s plan for you. Right now, IN THE MOMENT, think about this: you reached out; you didn’t use or drink today, YOU DIDN'T RUN. This is HUGE. These things you feel remorse for, you will have many chances to understand and forgive your self. In doing so you will learn about yourself, NOT to beat yourself up but to understand the “map” that got you here. These steps are in order for a reason, and you will be able to see these things with compassion and clarity AND MOST IMPORTANTLY you do not have to navigate understanding your past alone. We do this in our 4ht & 5ht steps when the time is right with a sponsor. RIGHT NOW I promise you it’s “feelings” and they are uncomfortable and that’s okay. I know it is real and it hurts. But you are not there today, you are here RIGHT NOW. And here is good, even if it doesn’t always feel good it IS AND WILL BE GOOD. If life were fair, I’d be dead. This day, this night - that you typed instead of running, this day is so different form the past GOOD FOR YOU. Borrow somebody else’s eyesight. We never see ourselves clearly and it takes a while to know who we are. Your yardstick for measuting yourslef is not real yet. You are not bad, you are “on your way” to becoming everything you are supposed to be and it’s sound like you have the willingness to ask for help to remove the things that stand in your way. The best thing about recovery is we get to keep all the good stuff about ourselves, our humor, and kindness, intellignece, creativity etc. and remove the barriers, behaviors and attitudes that prevented us from growing. We didn’t get her overnight and we are not supposed to have this huge complete comprehensive understanding of it all when we stop drinking/drugging. THANK GOD it is revealed to us piece-meal and we grow slowly and solidly and we become real! People i have seen who figure it all out fast, get fixed and get drunk or high. It's good not know. We keep asking for help then. Remember the majority of the time we were drinking and drugging to avoid feelings. I used to only have two feelings: Reallly Angry or Reallly happy as in UP, UP, and both of them were exaggerated. It’s ok, there is nothing that you have done that none of us wouldn’t understand and recovery is the one place where your most glaring mess-ups and boo-boos ARE GIFTS. We share openly about our mess-ups; mistakes and others see our wounds and we healing together. We learn together. TRY THIS: Imagine if you had a very heavy piece of luggage at the airport, you would check you bag right? All this time a guy is standing there and it is his job to take our bags, this is your higher power (god, sponsor, wahtever) and He has been there all laong. Check this “bag” right now with your HP or sponsor; it’s okay if it feels too heavy. Imagine putting it on a shelf, not in a closet hidden like we used to, on a shelf, but give it to God or someone else that will help you lift it down when the time is right, it won’t seem so heavy and you won’t have to lift it or open up all the contents by yourself. You will find that everyone’s bag is similar in size and weight.

Be kind to yourslef you are on your way, more will eb revelaed and it;'s okay I PROMISE

Evanna

Hey Jared,
I believe that what you are experiencing is part of a process. I know it feels crappy but that same crappiness is what tells you what you dont want back in your life today. You are doing good. As far as your friend goes it may be that supporting you is helping him stay clean, you know.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

Jared112987

I think him supporting me does help him in a way but he stopped way before me and basically with no help at all except a couple NA meetings and meeting with a consular because court ordered it. He's lucky he didnt even get probation but he knew it was time for a change and he did it. But I dont think I could have done it without beign depressed all the time without his help. Knowing he's staying clean makes it easier for me to.