Hi Jared,
I can so identify with what you are saying, except it took me 16 years to figure it out!! I was a stoner 24/7 for all those years, I even smoked thought the birth of my child!! My wife was in labor and I kept sneaking out to the parking lot to do pinch hits!! How *ucked up is that?? I know it is hard to deal with all the *ucked up things you have done, believe me I do. I wish I could give you some advice that would make it better, but really all you can do is live for the future. The past is the past and there is nothing you can do about it. I don't know how to use the chat here, but if you would like to chat, I am in the Lifering chat room right now. The link is
http://www.unhooked.com/chat/index.html just enter a name and you can get in. I'll be there for awhile, so stop by if you get this.