Jared, I promise you this will pass. There are times in my recovery where I have grieved for what I have done, lost maistakes etc. This is normal. It seems to be that a big common denominator we all have is that we come into the rooms broken and not feeling "good enough". I am sure you have heard this but "We are not bad people getting good, we are sick and getting better"! This day, this moment, is what is the most important and even then you will find things you didn’t do right BUT if you focus the SAME amount of time and energy thinking about what you have done RIGHT TODAY, this is key. The promises tell us we will not regret the past. You will see this someday has a part of your plan, God’s plan for you. Right now, IN THE MOMENT, think about this: you reached out; you didn’t use or drink today, YOU DIDN'T RUN. This is HUGE. These things you feel remorse for, you will have many chances to understand and forgive your self. In doing so you will learn about yourself, NOT to beat yourself up but to understand the “map” that got you here. These steps are in order for a reason, and you will be able to see these things with compassion and clarity AND MOST IMPORTANTLY you do not have to navigate understanding your past alone. We do this in our 4ht & 5ht steps when the time is right with a sponsor. RIGHT NOW I promise you it’s “feelings” and they are uncomfortable and that’s okay. I know it is real and it hurts. But you are not there today, you are here RIGHT NOW. And here is good, even if it doesn’t always feel good it IS AND WILL BE GOOD. If life were fair, I’d be dead. This day, this night - that you typed instead of running, this day is so different form the past GOOD FOR YOU. Borrow somebody else’s eyesight. We never see ourselves clearly and it takes a while to know who we are. Your yardstick for measuting yourslef is not real yet. You are not bad, you are “on your way” to becoming everything you are supposed to be and it’s sound like you have the willingness to ask for help to remove the things that stand in your way. The best thing about recovery is we get to keep all the good stuff about ourselves, our humor, and kindness, intellignece, creativity etc. and remove the barriers, behaviors and attitudes that prevented us from growing. We didn’t get her overnight and we are not supposed to have this huge complete comprehensive understanding of it all when we stop drinking/drugging. THANK GOD it is revealed to us piece-meal and we grow slowly and solidly and we become real! People i have seen who figure it all out fast, get fixed and get drunk or high. It's good not know. We keep asking for help then. Remember the majority of the time we were drinking and drugging to avoid feelings. I used to only have two feelings: Reallly Angry or Reallly happy as in UP, UP, and both of them were exaggerated. It’s ok, there is nothing that you have done that none of us wouldn’t understand and recovery is the one place where your most glaring mess-ups and boo-boos ARE GIFTS. We share openly about our mess-ups; mistakes and others see our wounds and we healing together. We learn together. TRY THIS: Imagine if you had a very heavy piece of luggage at the airport, you would check you bag right? All this time a guy is standing there and it is his job to take our bags, this is your higher power (god, sponsor, wahtever) and He has been there all laong. Check this “bag” right now with your HP or sponsor; it’s okay if it feels too heavy. Imagine putting it on a shelf, not in a closet hidden like we used to, on a shelf, but give it to God or someone else that will help you lift it down when the time is right, it won’t seem so heavy and you won’t have to lift it or open up all the contents by yourself. You will find that everyone’s bag is similar in size and weight.
Be kind to yourslef you are on your way, more will eb revelaed and it;'s okay I PROMISE