any

I decided to stay on this site because I’m getting to the point where I feel like I’m drowning. I’m getting pressure from everybody, leave him, stay with him. I got to the point I told him to leave me alone for the weekend and that I just can’t talk to anybody right now. Is this normal? I feel like I’m getting so angry about everything, literally everything. I have my mom complaining about her marriage to me which is fine it’s not new. I have people telling me to block him and never speak to him again. Which I understand they are trying to help but it’s getting to be too much. I’m 19, I know I should be able to take this pressure but it’s from everybody. His family wants me to be this perfect girlfriend, he wants forgiveness and to act like nothings wrong, my friends want him out of my life and they make that very clear, my brother makes jokes about how “terrible my boyfriend is” my mom will say how he’s not allowed in our house. I’m getting to the point I just want to block everybody and literally run away. Am I the only person to feel this way? Anytime I try to be alone my mom follows me. It’s like I can’t get away from anything. I want his and i’s relationship to work because I love him. I know at the end of the day if he’s not giving me what I need then it’s not a good match, but it’s hard to make up my mind with everybody telling me what to do. My friends with say they understand but they don’t. They haven’t dated an addict. I feel like it’s different because he picked a substance over me and he honestly can’t help that. I see rehab as him trying to work on himself, they see it as he’s already too damaged and can’t be fixed. I don’t know I just woke up this morning in the worst mood and just wanted to straight up run away from everybody. I just needed to rant I guess, replies are welcome but I mainly needed to rant. If anybody’s felt this way please reply and tell me what helped you out of this funk or ways you dealt with the pressure. Thanks, sending love to everybody

LumenandNyx

Well, the first thing that pops out is that it looks like you still live with your mom. Have you thought about getting your own place? If that's not an option, have you told her that you really need her to back off?

Sometimes - being blunt is the best option even if it might hurt a feeling or two. And on that note - have you thought about saying the same thing to your brother and to your friends? "BACK OFF. QUIT BRINGING UP..." whatever your BF's name is. If you're bringing him and your relationship up and initiating the conversations, you might think about backing off that yourself.

I think the idea of you taking some time for yourself is a smart idea. Take off a week. Take off two weeks. Take as much time as you need. You can let folks know that you'll come around when you're ready. There's no deadline for something like this. Just keep that in mind. And if someone imposes one on you - you can remind that person that it's not THEIR life.

Opivotal

((Any)) When I can't make a decision, I don't! I allow myself time to think, go about my day, and know when the time is right the answer will come to me. I used to put so much pressure on myself ... I don't do that anymore. What's the rush? Why overwhelm yourself? Take some time for yourself. Get out of your own head for a while. Be kind to yourself, Any. Take the pressure off yourself and chill. The answer will come to you.

any

i live on my own because i go to college and can’t afford to live on my own during the breaks. I told her to back off, she got mad but I think she understood. I had some really good conversations with adults today about how a women should actually be treated and it was beneficial. I’ve not had a man in my life treat me right ever. I have two brothers and a dad.

any

the reason I rush is because I leave for college in a couple weeks and I don’t want to be dealing with ex boyfriend drama when I get there. I want almost a fresh start. I’d rather know I’m doing long distance before hand and know him and I are gonna work on the relationship. I also am a person who likes fast reply’s lol. It’s a weakness.

dandylion

any------I am going to speak to you in a different vein. 19yrs. old----this should be one of the best times of your life---going to college, and all. It is a time that should be devoted to your own development as a young woman. Being entangled in a relationship with committments can be a big drain on you and limit your life in so many ways. You should be free to learn and have fun, all the while. To have adventures and to learn about yourself and to learn some important life lessons. You are still in a stage of development----and you are likely to make lots of changes between now and your early 20s. Gosh, the human brain is not even finished growing until somewhere between 21 and 25yrs.
If you want the best chance to be an independent person---your best chance is to spend your energy on your self and your development---and prepare yourself for a good career. Today's women must do this in preparation for survival in today's world.
Don;t let any man or person take presedence over your self-development during these great years of your life. You will have decades of time for such things as a committed relationship, maybe children, etc. later. Don't let yourself become one of those people who, later, look back and wish that they had taken advantage of their young years before getting "tied down". I have seen so many people do that.
Yes, I get it that you are attracted to this guy....I was 19yrs. old, myself, once----lol. I had a wonderful guy as a boyfriend, at that time. My first one---but, he was not the person that I ended up spending the rest of my life with. Ultimately, I had several loves, after that. Looking back, I wouldn't trade those years of my life for anything. My own mother and grandmother did not get those opportunities in their lives. That makes me feel very sad for them, in that way.
When you get to college, I think it would be a womderful idea for you to join a womans support group on your campus. You can ask your counselor about how to do that. You have so much to look forward to.
Alcoholism and alcoholics are very self centered and can be blindly selfish.

any

Thank you for the reply, I’ve gotten this advice from many people. I know you are right but it’s so hard to leave him. He told me yesterday how I hurt his feelings because I didn’t trust him. Also, he said it’s not fair because I haven’t given him a chance since he’s been out of rehab. I think he’s just so manipulative it’s getting to me, or maybe he honestly feels hurt I don’t know. I want to look back and not have regrets. You’re 100% right.

dandylion

any----I understand that it is hard to leave the relationship. It is always hard to leave a relationship that you have invested so much of yourself into. That is just a reality of life. It won't be comfortable---so, it is good if you do expect a certain amount of pain, at first---but you will know that it is temporary and it will fade away. given a little time.
I notice that you say that you have never been treated right by any man---so far. Do you have any theories of why this might be? I take it that you are including your father and brothers in this?

suki44883

How are you being unfair since he's been out of rehab? He left rehab after less than two weeks. He didn't complete the program, so I doubt he got much benefit from it. You are right, he is being manipulative and selfish. All addicts are. Your family and friends are looking out for your best interests. He is looking out for his own best interests.

You think at the age of 19 you should be able to handle this pressure. No, you shouldn't. People a lot older than you have trouble handling the pressure put on them by an addict, and then added pressure from family and friends. Nineteen is very young and you have many, many years ahead of you to meet someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated. Right now, you should be concentrating on college and preparing for a bright future. Please don't drag along all this unnecessary drama. If you want a fresh start, then it's up to you to do that. Cut the ties and go to college with a clean slate. You will be fine. He will be fine. Addicts always find a way to take care of themselves.

trailmix

I would suggest that you stop talking to those that feel they need to tell you what to do? I understand you have to vent, that you want perspective (been there) but if you are talking to people that aren't familiar with addiction - you will never get the understanding you need. Now I'm not saying you should cut them all out of your story, that would be awful, but maybe pick and choose who you talk to. People here do understand.

I second what Dandylion said, you are only 19. I got married at 19. Did I know what I was doing? I did at the time. When I was 35 it may have seemed a bit unresearched lol. I got divorced shortly after that. Who you are at 19 is not who you will be at 25 or 30 or 35, I'm sure you've heard that. Your basic core personality will probably be much the same but your perceptions of the world and the people in it will change. Why? Because you will have seen it, experienced it.

Maybe you will take a (big) time out, maybe you will get involved with him again. Either way, you will see the writing on the wall. The only question is which path you choose and how long you go down it. As is said here often, more will be revealed.

I hope you keep posting and if you do decide to return to the relationship I really, really hope you keep posting!

chimdemash

Loving someone with substance abuse is complicated. There is no right or wrong. When you are in it-you are in it. Being uncertain of what to do is normal. Breakdowns are to be expected. Only you can choose-everyone will have advice. Sometimes we get addicted to our addict. If you haven’t read CoDependant No More I highly recommend. It may help you understand yourself more and decision making may come easier.

Age doesn’t matter in addiction-I’m almost 40 and wondering “should I stay? Or go?” I know I should go-but I’m not ready.

Hang in there-you are the decision maker for your life. Rest if needed-and take time away from opinions and let go of some of the weight of holding others perspectives and advice.

Take care