Jaguar55

A couple weeks ago I left my ABF of 12 years and have been staying at my Mom's house (which has only 1 bedroom and is really tiny). My ABF wanted me to leave, said he hates me and wants us to be over. But he says that all the time when he's angry. And he's always angry. I have generally interpreted his saying such things as a way to manipulate me. He has a terrible temper and is abusive. I usually just go in the bedroom and cry, but this time I took my dog and some of my stuff and left and have managed to not run back. But I kinda want to... Usually when I leave I go back within 24 hours.

This has been going on for 12 years and I know I should not go back. But I miss the house (that I picked out back when we were going to get married) and the neighborhood. I miss my kitchen. And lord I miss sleeping in my own bed. I miss the yard with all the spring flowers I have planted over the years. I miss my cats which are still there. I miss his teenage daughter who has been staying with us lately. I miss his two dogs (I took my dog with). I miss my daily routine. And I miss him. Which is silly because he's really mean to me most of the time and the rest of the time he just ignores me. But I miss him anyway.

This is so hard and I am miserable. I feel stuck. I'm miserable with him and miserable without him. It doesn't help that I am not working and can't afford my own place. And I don't really have any friends. I am just totally outside my "comfort zone".

Every time I see or hear him my heart still goes pitter patter. I'm disappointed in myself that I want to go back and that I still want him. I feel like an idiot.

In the past when he tells me to get out or breaks up with me I end up apologizing to him (for whatever it is he says I did) and then I beg and plead and then he lets me come back. Sooooo pathetic...

FeelingGreat

Hi Jag, you need your own space, not back with him, but somewhere to call your own, even if it's just a bedroom where you can shut the door.

Are you in a position to move into a small apartment or even a share house.

Going back to an abuser where the best case scenario is that he ignores you, is not an option. Stay strong, and start building your new life.

redatlanta

I understand why you feel this way. Its easier to ignore/accept/dismiss the abuse when lifestyle changes are so drastic.

My advice of course would be to never go back to this scenario. In order to do that you are going to need to get a job, which I am sure you know.

No person should ever be in a circumstance where they have to make choices based of the dependence of another person. If you could financially afford it my guess is you would have been gone long ago.

redatlanta

I just read through your threads Jag. You came here in 2010 at that time it had been 7 years of this. 6 years passes in a second doesn't it? From what I can gather you had 6 months at the start of the relationship that was good, followed by 12 years of verbal, sexual, and physical abuse n top of alcoholism. Your ABF spends his time drinking, smoking pot, and playing xbox every moment that he is home. You mentioned 6 years ago that there was little to no intimacy in the relationship.

Along the way you have also mentioned about the person that you have become. I encourage you to focus on that aspect rather than mull over the hateful and atrocious actions of your ABF. Sobriety will not change him that much. Things may be easier for a bit when he doesn't drink, but it never sticks and the abuse is a separate issue to the alcoholism. Who were you 12 years ago? And, who are you now? What did you have 12 years ago? And, what do you have now?

Abusive relationships change the person who is being abused. Someone who was outgoing and friendly can become isolated without friends, a job, or any real contact with other people other than their abuser. For this reason, the relationships are very, very hard to leave. It is not uncommon for an abuser to encourage their victim to quit jobs (or insist on it), quit any outside interests, and to ditch friends and family. This kind of situation can be mind warping to the victim. They can perceive the abuser as their only asset even if they don't like the person, or recognize they are abusive.

I encourage you to contact a DV hotline and discuss your situation with a counselor. This is a confidential call. As you are not working and are dependent on ABF I think you would get some GREAT guidance and hope about what to do in your situation.

I'd hate to see you come back in 6 more years with the same issues (and you will if you stay with him). Life is just too short. This time around please stay on the Board here at SR and post about the things you are dealing with. We are here to support you! There are many other members that have dealt with these same issues including missing a horrible situation. Their experience can be of great value to you!

aasharon90

I understand wanting to return to what
I call it as 'familiarity'. When my little
family moved to Houston yrs ago, I really
never wanted to leave my 'home', the city
where I grew up in. Baton Rouge.

Houston opened up many doors
to my kids with so many opportunities
and space to grow and mature in which
they did.

Me, I left my recovery support of 7
yrs and all of B.R. that was my comfort
zone and familiarity.

In Houston I was Restless, irriritable
and discontent and wanted to return
'home' terribly. However, being married,
25 yrs. I had no idea how to leave or what
kind of job I could get to support myself
on my own.

I used my recovery program and faith
to guide me, strengthen me, to do the
foot work and eventually lead me out
of Houston and back home where I never
wanted to leave in the first place.

My husband at that time helped me
move into an apt. and I had a job lined
up for me to help support myself.

Our marriage did end peacefully and
we both have moved on and remarried.
Now, today, here I am 7 yrs married
living in my husband home, retired and
enjoying my garden of paradise we
created for us to enjoy each and everyday
we sit outside in our backyard.

I did the footwork to get me back
home and now I am more happier,
healthier, content, honest, sober
25yrs. and would never take my
familiarity and comfort zone for
granted.

Its a gift and blessing to finally
be 'HOME' where my heart is.

Return 'home' to your familiarity,
comfort zone for you and no one else.
Even if you can find a newer home
that is yours or have a way a job to
support urself to move back in ur little
home and let him move out to his own
place.

Get someone to help you with this
process to regain your independence
to stand and live on your own, strong,
solid foundation built on faith and inner
strength. Heart, mind and soul.

ladyscribbler

I was in a very similar situation to you about 3 years ago. I left a long term relationship with an abusive alcoholic man and moved back in with my mother. It was awful for awhile. Not having my own space after running my own household for so long was a huge, unpleasant shock to my system. But I hit the ground running- got the boys in school, found a job and started attending counseling and Alanon meetings.
I had been very isolated with my ex. Our only social interactions were with his family, and I really didn't have friends of my own. I was depressed, beaten down and felt totally pathetic.
Today my life has done a complete 180. I have my own place (renting and saving for a down payment on a house) the boys have adjusted well to their new schools, made friends. I've been involved in Alanon service work for over 2 years and made friends of my own and built a new support network for myself. This weekend I am chairing a big annual event with a luncheon and several speakers.
If you had asked me a couple of years ago I could never have foreseen the turns my life would take or all the wonderful rewards I would find when I started living for myself, unshackled from the chains of someone else's disease.
You can do this. Keep coming here for support, and each day try to do at least one kind, positive action for yourself. Go to an Alanon meeting, buy a journal and start writing in it, send your CV to someplace you'd like to work. Baby steps add up to big progress after awhile. Sending big hugs and much strength to you.

Eauchiche

I have been separated just over two years. Most of that time, I wanted to go back. My ex made it easy. I was never invited back.

I have my own comfortable place and a job I really love.

I have been looking inward and taking a hard look at my family of origin culture and what led me to pick the person I did. Frankly, I have also been whittling down my list of "friends." I am cultivating new friendships with people who are not abusive.

Hang in there and pray for strength to stay away. Going back will only delay the same cycle happening over again.

hopeful4

Oh man Jag. I get it.

In my divorce I lost my butt financially b/c I fought for my house, hard. I essentially paid an extra $50k for about $20k in equity in my house. I had my sights set on that I had to have my house. After all, it's MINE.

Essentially, I would have done much better by selling the house, splitting the equity, and letting him pay off his own stinking student loan. Alas, it's over now, but boy do I miss those funds.

I love my house. I love all that I have done to it. I love that my kids have been raised there. I love my neighbors.

However.....I could have started over and loved all of this stuff somewhere else. Stuff is just stuff. You cannot just keep hanging on and getting treated horrible for....stuff. Let it go.

Hugs, many hugs!

atalose

Is that the person you really want to be?? I'm thinking NO, no one wants to be pathetic it's just an ill thinking way we learned in order to get our way and to immediately stop our pain.

Sounds like it was a very nice flowery looking prison in a nice neighborhood, but still it was your prison. Aside from all the nice material things you became accustomed to, it was a prison where you were abused, verbally over and over and over again and made to feel worthless.

There may not have been any physical abuse but you sure could benefit from talking with the domestic violence counselor because you were abused and now you are free and need some help embracing that freedom so you can enjoy your life free from any and all abuse.

teatreeoil007

I love all the responses in this thread! A LOT of wisdom, experience; what works and doesn't work.

Now: You stated that you are, "Miserable with him and miserable without him". I get that. And unfortunately, that is how a LOT of marriages and long term relationships end up.

I'm going to propose that you do not need to be miserable AT ALL!! Many of us somehow get into relationships and situations in which we feel trapped and cannot get out. Well, we maybe know we could get out, but we don't believe we will end up being happy if we really do get out. We somehow cannot ENVISION ourselves as happy/content/settled any other way than what we've grown accustomed to.

It sounds like you have built a life that in nice in some respects despite being married to an alcoholic abuser. Good on you for that and it's likely that despite your circumstances you've "made the most of it".

But, abuse is abuse is abuse. The abusive part of this man may never change as there are many many abusers of all TYPES of abuse who have no chemical dependency issues whatsoever. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, not to mention neglect. I have a sneaky suspicion that many of YOUR needs have been neglected all these years. You've met some of those needs through making your home as it is; a sort of refuge. You've invested a lot into that and it's almost unfathomable to let it go. But, that may be what you need to do.

Letting go of something that we once found refuge in is one of the hardest things to do.

Liveitwell

^ yes! Sometimes letting go oc eberything we hold dear and have created as our gods-people, houses, etc-is the only way to true freedom. I recall right after my divirce was final I was so terribly upset-I still missed my ex. It took me a while to realize that what I missed was what he said he was, not at all what he truly was. I've let go of so many things-bc things are just things. I'm moving from the house that was my refuge over the last almost two years to start fresh. I never wantrex to move until I got real with myself-the memories here are tainted with my ex and his abuse. My kids and I will flourish any where we go bc WE ARE OKAY! A house is a house, a family is made by the bonds of love and trust-we got that now. I got I to an argument with my somewhat (ok, very) materialistic mother bc how dare I sell some stuff that she found out I'm selling-well, dear mom, first of all it's mind of your business and second of all who gives a crap? It's stuff! I remembered something that I told my ex a long long time ago and I meant it-I never wanted all the nice things in the world-I would have been happy with him living in a box. Happiness was what I was seeking in my life and marriage and I finally have that-now that he's gone.

My point to all this is just to get real with yourself. You will be ok. Go build your life-one without abuse. It is so nice. I've grown in ways that never would have been possible. I'm living an authentic life now-I'm not hiding the abuse and disgust at home bc there is none at home-I don't feel like a fake and phony bc I can't share myself with friends-I'm not lying anymore and trying to put on a happy face in spite of what's going on at home-which was my life for way too many years. I'm a good person (I had forgotten that after years of abuse) and make good healthy smart decisions. I'm not evil, I'm happy and my smile shows it now. I'm free. Go seek that!!!! The happiness you seek is within yourself. Always remember that.

Jaguar55

Thanks everyone. Wise words for sure, but emotionally I'm ..... what am I? A wreck. Devastated. At one of those low low points that if death were to come for me I might meet it with a smile.

He was dog sitting for me last night and part of today while I was doing school stuff (trying to finish my graduate degree which has been a protracted struggle spanning years). When I went to get my dog I just was hanging out in the house and puttering around and then I went and laid down for a nap. Which is what I did last week when I picked my dog up and last week he seemed to enjoy me being there.

I was actually laying in bed thinking about the things I didn't miss - the house is a fixer upper that never got fixed and the inside has gone to hell and is a disaster. All the furniture, what there is of it, is second hand from Craigslist and I don't think we paid more than $50 tops for anything and most of the items were free. He has a great job but lives in debt from one payday loan to the next and currently owes me money which is pretty much how it goes. Right now the back door is hanging on by one hinge and he still hasn't fixed it. It's been that way at least a month now. And that door's important because the other two doors to the house broke years ago and he's never fixed them.

When I walked in there were piles of dog poop (and urine) all over the entry room because he hasn't been letting his dogs out regularly. The house wreaks of stale smoke and urine. The dining table was all grimy with ashes smeared everywhere. It was hot and dark inside (he is always cold and runs the heat high and a space heater and keeps all the windows closed and the curtains pulled so there is no light to reflect and mess with his video games). Oddly though it was still comforting to be there, but I was feeling kinda sorta happy I didn't have to live there and that cleaning the place was no longer my problem (this is a man who won't even put his garbage in the garbage can or dirty dishes in the sink).

Well he was REALLY drunk, really really drunk and he came in the bedroom and asked what I was still doing there and said I needed to leave. He said I couldn't hang out over there anymore and that we weren't going to be friends and that we were over and there was no future scenario that involved us being together. And I started to cry and he got mad and I started trying to talk to him and that just made him more upset. And then things really went to hell with him explaining how over we were and that I needed to leave and couldn't be coming over (which is a bit odd considering everything I own is still there at the house including my cats). And that I couldn't touch him anymore and we were never going to be together again. I was half asleep and exhausted when he came in the room and as he said all this I was just crying and crying and felt like I was losing it. And so I really just.......lost my mind and started grabbing at him begging and pleading with him not to end us and generally was hysterical and told him I'd do anything and that I was sorry.

And you know he stated, rather calmly, that I was insane. And that he didn't like being so harsh about it all, but that I was not getting it and kept deluding myself that we could be together. And then he sat down on the bed and rolled onto his side and passed out. And I just cried and cried and cried and got sick and hyperventilated.

So I am insane. He's right.

FeelingGreat

Jag, as frantic as you must feel now, you are only prolonging the agony by still going over. He's not sending mixed messages, and that at least is healthy.

It's time to face that it's over, return your key, and move on with your life. As hard as that sounds now, it's only a matter of time until you break free and gain new perspective on your relationship. I know you don't believe that now, but you will begin to feel better.

Do you have a plan for finding your own place? Even if it's just a room, how will you decorate it? Maybe a trip, or a new hobby, or a hike. You will power through this.

Eauchiche

Dear Jag
I am amazed at the similarities between your former home and mine. Where do these guys go to school to turn out like this? I wish we could all find that school and burn it down!!!

ladyscribbler

Painful as it feels, he is giving you a gift. Try to accept it. He is content to live in a filthy, broken down house and drink. You have the opportunity to begin building an exciting new life for yourself. Finishing your education is a great idea. And I bet if you posted an ad on campus, you could find someone to dogsit. Maybe work out an exchange deal and take their dog when they need a critter sitter. This man is not capable of taking proper care of animals, himself or any other living creature.
I had to go through the motions for awhile, and was briefly on medication for depression after I left. I was in such a rut that I needed a leg up so I could begin to do the self care I needed. Being abused for years is so demoralizing. I didn't realize how low I'd gotten. That state had begun to seem normal for me.
OT- loving your avatar. You can get your fierceness back Jag. We are here for you.

atalose

\

Believe him!!!!!

You keeping your things there is not the glue that will hold this toxic relationship together.

Get your things and your cats ASAP and then remember....................no new contact equals no new hurt.

I would look into getting some counseling right away.

hopeful4

Jag...it's time. This is not healthy for you. You deserve so much more

Big hugs and lots of love your way my friend!

dandylion

Jaguar......He is wrong! You are NOT insane.

Given your situation---I think your feelings are normal!
You are having feelings of abandonment, I think...
You have been wounded by living in emotional abuse......
And......I believe you are actively grieving the loss of what you felt was your security....The loss of the dream that you invested a big part of yourself into....

To feel overwhelming pain in the face of grief is a normal human reaction.....

You are NOT insane!! You are a human in pain.

Jaguar, I ask you not to say that lie to yourself, any more. You must stop the negative self-talk.
Every time you find yourself thinking this thing.....STOP....and tell yourself the TRUTH...."I am hurting. I am normal". Tell yourself this over and over...whenever the negative self-talk begins.....

That is a good baby step to start with...but, such an important one!!

dandylion

Wisconsin

See, I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at one's own behavior and deciding it's a little crazy. I COMPLETELY agree that Jaguar's reaction is fairly typical in dysfunctional relationships between addicts and co-dependents. I COMPLETELY agree that Jaguar should not let her qualifier deflect all the blame for the unhealthiness onto Jaguar, and that his description of her as "crazy" is abusive and unfair.

But part of recovery for me was taking a long, hard look at my own actions and reactions, and being honest with myself that I was acting, well...crazy. FireSprite has a thread right now about a situation at her job, and there are some good posts in the thread about embracing "labels" and using them as a springboard for change.

Jaguar, you have zero control over how he acts and what he says. You do, however, have control over how you react, and how you choose to go about recovering from this mess of a relationship. If your reaction to him makes you feel crazy, then to me that is a sign that things in that dynamic warrant some serious analysis and effort to break old patterns.

At the end of the day, you DESERVE peace and happiness. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. You deserve the opportunity to learn new patterns of behavior that will dull the pain of all of this and help prevent future relationships like this. Only you can do that for yourself.

Liveitwell

Great words....^ thank you