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Old 04-24-2016, 01:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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The very next day he asked me to come over and hang out for the evening and we had a fun relaxing time. I asked him if he remembered what he had said the night before and he said he did, but when I quoted things he had said to me he insisted he never said those things. So.........whatever.

I don't plan to try and move back there. I'm moving my stuff into a storage shed at my Mom's. This isn't the first time, or even the second time he and I have been down this path. I've even moved out of state before. Twice. It just goes around and round. But it can't anymore.

I am trying to focus on school and my health (which has been poor). To all those who have mentioned it, yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist.

I feel so grouchy and gloomy. What I want is for him to stop drinking, work on recovery and for it all to work out with a happy ending. blah blah blah
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Old 04-24-2016, 04:15 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Life would be a lot easier if other people just did what we wanted them to, right?

I had to stop putting my happiness in the hands of others in order to have the life I really wanted.

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you've always got. I am glad you had a nice night last night, but soon enough you will have another night like you did the other day. And rinse and repeat until one of you has finally, really, had enough.

He isn't interested in quitting or recovery. He has broken up with you. You are worth a lot more than the crumbs you are settling for.
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Old 04-24-2016, 05:16 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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It is good you realize a happy ending with an active abusive addict almost never happens.

I agree with SK--it will just keep repeating unless you make the break and start
building a life for you on your own terms.
This may not seem like it, but from here it looks like a blessing to get you out
of a very emotionally harmful situation.
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Old 04-24-2016, 05:37 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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"Try to accept it. He is content to live in a filthy, broken down house and drink. ...."
You know, people pay good money and travel thousands of miles to see Greco-Roman ruins in southern Europe.
We could organize bus tours to see the "ruins" of our ex's house, then take the tourists out for a nice dinner....
Just an idea.
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Old 04-25-2016, 06:11 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jaguar55 View Post
. What I want is for him to stop drinking, work on recovery and for it all to work out with a happy ending. blah blah blah
Sure! That's what we all want out of life. Everything to work out with a happy ending.

Our higher power does give us the path to a happy ending, its just not always the ending we want. Perhaps (no perhaps, it it what it is) your happy ending is getting out of this relationship, and moving on with life.

It may help you to write down the negatives of this relationship and refer to it when you go to this^^^ mindset. Here are a few based on your posts

1) Is your BF showing ANY signs of wanting to be sober? NO
2) Has the relationship been mostly happy as opposed to mostly sad? NO
3) Has your BF physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abused you? YES
4) Have you suffered physically, and emotionally due to the relationship? YES
5) How long was your BF a good partner as opposed to a Bad Partner? 6 month good/12 years Bad.

Its been many a person who has wasted their life based on "What if" and hope that things would change. What if I buy a lottery ticket today and win 200 million? That's more probable than what you wish would happen with your BF. We can't live our lives based on "what IF's" we have to live based on "what IS". You are doing great...keep it up.
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Old 04-25-2016, 12:04 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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The very next day he asked me to come over and hang out for the evening and we had a fun relaxing time.
I hope you seriously work with your therapist and psychiatrist on the reality of this situation vs your fantasy of happily ever after.

I’m not really understanding what was fun for you? His drinking? His lying? What about that night was so much fun that you gave away more of your dignity by running over there when he called? What was worth that to you?

Not trying to be mean just looking at the reality of it all.

Was it that when he called you felt wanted?

Was it you needing attention?

I mean you get "something" out of this toxic relationship so I guess I am what is your something?
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Old 04-25-2016, 03:16 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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What I want is for him to stop drinking, work on recovery and for it all to work out with a happy ending.

meaning HE do all the WORK and you get to reap the REWARDS.

it doesn't work that way. you want a happy life? then you get off your tukkus and get busy MAKING one. yes he may be an abusive a-hole alcoholic, but considering that isn't NEW information hot off the wire, you can't really say HE is the real problem.

he is the stove. with the hot burner. EVERY time you go back and check, it's still HOT and you still get burned. yet even after ALL you know and ALL the history and that the NIGHT BEFORE he was DRUNK, you STILL went over to hang out with the next evening. the stove didn't chase you down......you went BACK to the stove......again.
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Old 04-25-2016, 08:32 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Jaguar-
I can relate a lot to your story. I think the situation you are in is more serious than maybe you think. he is drinking heavily, there's a lot of fighting, a history of abuse, and then denial, minimization, and gas lighting. it's no wonder you are feeling devastated and reacting with such strong emotion, begging him to stay and hyperventilating. 12 years is a long time and what was mentioned earlier- abusive relationships change people. I would encourage you to reach out to a DV hotline and read about the cycle of abuse.

and as far as him calling you "insane"- honestly I sorta discredit the source, he was incredibly drunk and most likely saying anything and everything he can to hurt you. my ex did this, but the truth was that I was a little "insane"- for staying in the relationship. for sacrificing my dignity, self-respect, self-esteem, health and well-being.

I think if you continue with this battle and keep going back for more, it can escalate into something worse. you have unintentionally sent him the message "that's all you got? I can take more!" you mentioned he is angry and abusive. and drinking heavily. that is a deadly combination. I know you know that it will get worse, that it keeps getting worse each time you go back, or beg to come back, or apologize for things you never did and taking all of the blame. PLEASE be safe and consider taking some of the awesome suggestions that have been given to you so far
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Old 04-26-2016, 05:47 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I think people universally expect life to become better once they've made some steps in the right direction. When life doesn't immediately respond that way--when we still have problems and feel like crap, we immediately conclude that whatever steps we have taken haven't worked, will not work, and we are doomed, so we might as well keep doing what we've been doing.

ALL change--even the most healthy and positive change (and sometimes ESPECIALLY that kind of change) is painful, difficult, and takes time. The rewards are down the road, but it's hard to believe that when we are sitting there, having done/doing the "right thing" and everything feels sucky.

What your life has been like has, no doubt, made you a little bit "insane." I know I've been "insane" at various points in my life. This kind of "insanity," however, isn't permanent, and sometimes doesn't even require professional help (though such help is sometimes, well, helpful). It DOES require effort and patience and willingness to tolerate a degree of uncertainty. Going on into the future on your own, without him and without the future you envisioned for yourself, is scary. At least with him, you knew what to expect.

But you can't grab a new future for yourself while you are desperately holding onto the old one. He has displayed zero interest in changing, and he wants you gone because you want him to change. He's MADE his choice. If you can't make your own choice, you are still stuck with his. Even if you wear him down and he takes you back, it won't be with any intention of changing his own behavior. You'll just have a repeat of the past however-many years. Meantime you will be getting older, sadder, and feeling progressively worse about yourself.

Letting go, and moving forward, is hard at first, but eventually momentum kicks in. Think of a bowling ball and what it takes for it to change direction and start moving the opposite way--basic physics. It has to stop, and then there has to be a significant amount of force applied before it starts moving, but once it does, it ROLLS.

Lots of us here have successfully changed the direction of our lives. It is difficult at first but becomes progressively easier with time and effort. If we could do it, so can you.
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Old 04-26-2016, 06:24 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
When I walked in there were piles of dog poop (and urine) all over the entry room because he hasn't been letting his dogs out regularly. The house wreaks of stale smoke and urine. The dining table was all grimy with ashes smeared everywhere. It was hot and dark inside (he is always cold and runs the heat high and a space heater and keeps all the windows closed and the curtains pulled so there is no light to reflect and mess with his video games).
Why, if I may make so bold as to ask, would you accept an invitation to "hang out" and watch a movie with someone in the physical surroundings you describe above. He doesn't care enough about himself to improve his physical environment, and it saddens me that you don't seem to have enough self-respect to not place yourself in this situation.

I can only ask, why do you dislike yourself so much that you are willing to hang out in these conditions? You don't need to actually answer that question here, but it may be worth considering for yourself.

You deserve so much better!
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Old 04-26-2016, 09:57 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I remember many times being absolutely devastated by something he had said or done, cruelty that tore another shred from my already tattered self esteem. But even worse than the actual abuse was the fact that he didn't even remember most of what he'd done. So then I'd get accused of being melodramatic, overreacting and of course everyone's all time favorite, being an "effing crazy bee."
You don't have to live this way anymore. You don't have to keep going back there. You can make the choice to save yourself and move forward. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
I am here for you, no matter what. Just for today you can make the choice to take care of yourself.
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Old 04-26-2016, 10:44 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I second lady's words. I lived through the same thing-it was hell and I didn't deserve it and neither do you. Please realize you are worth so much more than what you are settling for right now! Fight for yourself!
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