from the other side
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
from the other side
I'm posting here because I need to hear from the opposite side...
My husband has been clean from heroin 45 days. He's been working the steps throughout that time. Not only has the past 5 years been stressful, but these last 45 days have been draining. I'm very proud that he finally decided to do what he needed to do for himself. However, in doing so, I feel so left put of his life. He doesn't show me any affection or love, he doesn't really talk to me anymore, if so our conversations are pretty short. He is gone damn near all day at meetings and with his sponsor. Being that we only have one car and two little girls...I can hardly get things done I need to or want to. I feel so trapped. I've been going to al anon and it seems to help, I'm just still new and it's actually confusing to me. He's thrown at me I need to "just pick a sponsor, not accept applications". I'm sure he doesn't see it like I do but that's hurtful. I'm not a social butterfly like he is so it's been hard to open up to people I don't know, or initiate conversation or be like "hey, I don't know you, but do you want to be my sponsor?" I know he's taking his program seriosuly..setting up at meetings, decorating the hall, cleaning up, making coffee, etc...HE DOESN'T EVEN DO THAT AT HOME!! He can't even offer to help my dad put up christmas decorations but he's so willing to do it elsewhere..I get the service commitments but it's not fair. Sometimes I feel it would be easier on the both of us to just be apart, then i think about everything we have been through together and I don't want to just walk away. I do love him. I just feel unimportant, ignored, unloved, unwanted. When trying to talk to him he pulls, get a sponsor, or talk to someone from al anon. I can't even talk to him about how I feel or what's going on inside me. I've been sick 3 different times in the past week and he showed no compassion or care to help me with the girls or anything else. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? Why don't I get it? What am I doing wrong for him to be like this? When will it get better? And damnit, when are we going to be able to have sex again? Open to any questions, suggestions..anything that's going to help me see a different view point or help me during this time...I need something
My husband has been clean from heroin 45 days. He's been working the steps throughout that time. Not only has the past 5 years been stressful, but these last 45 days have been draining. I'm very proud that he finally decided to do what he needed to do for himself. However, in doing so, I feel so left put of his life. He doesn't show me any affection or love, he doesn't really talk to me anymore, if so our conversations are pretty short. He is gone damn near all day at meetings and with his sponsor. Being that we only have one car and two little girls...I can hardly get things done I need to or want to. I feel so trapped. I've been going to al anon and it seems to help, I'm just still new and it's actually confusing to me. He's thrown at me I need to "just pick a sponsor, not accept applications". I'm sure he doesn't see it like I do but that's hurtful. I'm not a social butterfly like he is so it's been hard to open up to people I don't know, or initiate conversation or be like "hey, I don't know you, but do you want to be my sponsor?" I know he's taking his program seriosuly..setting up at meetings, decorating the hall, cleaning up, making coffee, etc...HE DOESN'T EVEN DO THAT AT HOME!! He can't even offer to help my dad put up christmas decorations but he's so willing to do it elsewhere..I get the service commitments but it's not fair. Sometimes I feel it would be easier on the both of us to just be apart, then i think about everything we have been through together and I don't want to just walk away. I do love him. I just feel unimportant, ignored, unloved, unwanted. When trying to talk to him he pulls, get a sponsor, or talk to someone from al anon. I can't even talk to him about how I feel or what's going on inside me. I've been sick 3 different times in the past week and he showed no compassion or care to help me with the girls or anything else. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? Why don't I get it? What am I doing wrong for him to be like this? When will it get better? And damnit, when are we going to be able to have sex again? Open to any questions, suggestions..anything that's going to help me see a different view point or help me during this time...I need something
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,556
Hi Iwishonstars 
I think, however hard it is for us addicts to change, it's probably harder on our partners because the change is kinda foisted upon you guys.
I was never addicted to heroin but alcohol was bad enough - it was the biggest challenge of my life and it took all my effort to stay sober.
I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but if I had been I'm sure I would have been a subject of a post a lot like this one.
I was so terrified of not being able to ever get sober that I gave it my *everything* and I'm glad I did because I'd probably be dead now otherwise.
It took me around 90 days to start to work stuff out and have any idea of who sober me was.
I don't know how to make someone talk about stuff if they're focused on other stuff. If I did I'd tell you.
I hope that when your husband gets used to recovery he'll start to have a little more time interest and effort for you and the other important things in his life.
He's trying to do a good thing here - but I'm sorry it's hard on you.
Please know there is support here - you're not alone
D
I think, however hard it is for us addicts to change, it's probably harder on our partners because the change is kinda foisted upon you guys.
I was never addicted to heroin but alcohol was bad enough - it was the biggest challenge of my life and it took all my effort to stay sober.
I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but if I had been I'm sure I would have been a subject of a post a lot like this one.
I was so terrified of not being able to ever get sober that I gave it my *everything* and I'm glad I did because I'd probably be dead now otherwise.
It took me around 90 days to start to work stuff out and have any idea of who sober me was.
I don't know how to make someone talk about stuff if they're focused on other stuff. If I did I'd tell you.
I hope that when your husband gets used to recovery he'll start to have a little more time interest and effort for you and the other important things in his life.
He's trying to do a good thing here - but I'm sorry it's hard on you.
Please know there is support here - you're not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Thanks for your post and bringing up the topic. If it helps you to hear from the other side great!
Guess what? It helps US to hear about YOUR side. It helps me to know what the opposite side is going through and possibly come of with ways/means to improve things. I've never done heroin, but it is an opiate just like Morphine, Demerol, Oxycontin, hydracodone.Dilaudid, fentanyl-( you get the picture) De[ending on the person they get 'hooked' for various reasons....I had been taking hydros for mouth pain because I had THREE oral surgeries within a year. Yikes!
So it was legitimate pain....BUT, I didn't like when I used it all up and had no more. For me, the worst thing with detoxing is the insomnia and I had insomnia for 2-3 weeks, probably because my "baseline" is that I've struggled with insomnia for years.......Why can't I sleep, dang-it?! My body is tired when I go to bed....but sometimes my mind feels like it's having racing thoughts and I'm wide awake. It's kind of depressing to tell you the truth.
It's likely that your husband is going through some BIG changes and it's good that he so enthused about his recovery program. It looks to me from your post that you still love him despite him being a former Heroin user. That's big. Most addicts feel shame and are worried that their spouse won't love them anymore of leave when the find out the truth. They are ashamed and not proud of what they've done...so if you can come up with anything to help him not feel so ashamed that would be very helpful, I think.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I'd like to answer some of your questions when I can come up with answers...
Blessed Be
Guess what? It helps US to hear about YOUR side. It helps me to know what the opposite side is going through and possibly come of with ways/means to improve things. I've never done heroin, but it is an opiate just like Morphine, Demerol, Oxycontin, hydracodone.Dilaudid, fentanyl-( you get the picture) De[ending on the person they get 'hooked' for various reasons....I had been taking hydros for mouth pain because I had THREE oral surgeries within a year. Yikes!
So it was legitimate pain....BUT, I didn't like when I used it all up and had no more. For me, the worst thing with detoxing is the insomnia and I had insomnia for 2-3 weeks, probably because my "baseline" is that I've struggled with insomnia for years.......Why can't I sleep, dang-it?! My body is tired when I go to bed....but sometimes my mind feels like it's having racing thoughts and I'm wide awake. It's kind of depressing to tell you the truth.
It's likely that your husband is going through some BIG changes and it's good that he so enthused about his recovery program. It looks to me from your post that you still love him despite him being a former Heroin user. That's big. Most addicts feel shame and are worried that their spouse won't love them anymore of leave when the find out the truth. They are ashamed and not proud of what they've done...so if you can come up with anything to help him not feel so ashamed that would be very helpful, I think.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I'd like to answer some of your questions when I can come up with answers...
Blessed Be
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 
Thanks for your post and bringing up the topic. If it helps you to hear from the other side great!
Guess what? It helps US to hear about YOUR side. It helps me to know what the opposite side is going through and possibly come of with ways/means to improve things. I've never done heroin, but it is an opiate just like Morphine, Demerol, Oxycontin, hydracodone.Dilaudid, fentanyl-( you get the picture) De[ending on the person they get 'hooked' for various reasons....I had been taking hydros for mouth pain because I had THREE oral surgeries within a year. Yikes!
So it was legitimate pain....BUT, I didn't like when I used it all up and had no more. For me, the worst thing with detoxing is the insomnia and I had insomnia for 2-3 weeks, probably because my "baseline" is that I've struggled with insomnia for years.......Why can't I sleep, dang-it?! My body is tired when I go to bed....but sometimes my mind feels like it's having racing thoughts and I'm wide awake. It's kind of depressing to tell you the truth.
It's likely that your husband is going through some BIG changes and it's good that he so enthused about his recovery program. It looks to me from your post that you still love him despite him being a former Heroin user. That's big. Most addicts feel shame and are worried that their spouse won't love them anymore of leave when the find out the truth. They are ashamed and not proud of what they've done...so if you can come up with anything to help him not feel so ashamed that would be very helpful, I think.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I'd like to answer some of your questions when I can come up with answers...
Blessed Be
Guess what? It helps US to hear about YOUR side. It helps me to know what the opposite side is going through and possibly come of with ways/means to improve things. I've never done heroin, but it is an opiate just like Morphine, Demerol, Oxycontin, hydracodone.Dilaudid, fentanyl-( you get the picture) De[ending on the person they get 'hooked' for various reasons....I had been taking hydros for mouth pain because I had THREE oral surgeries within a year. Yikes!
So it was legitimate pain....BUT, I didn't like when I used it all up and had no more. For me, the worst thing with detoxing is the insomnia and I had insomnia for 2-3 weeks, probably because my "baseline" is that I've struggled with insomnia for years.......Why can't I sleep, dang-it?! My body is tired when I go to bed....but sometimes my mind feels like it's having racing thoughts and I'm wide awake. It's kind of depressing to tell you the truth.
It's likely that your husband is going through some BIG changes and it's good that he so enthused about his recovery program. It looks to me from your post that you still love him despite him being a former Heroin user. That's big. Most addicts feel shame and are worried that their spouse won't love them anymore of leave when the find out the truth. They are ashamed and not proud of what they've done...so if you can come up with anything to help him not feel so ashamed that would be very helpful, I think.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I'd like to answer some of your questions when I can come up with answers...
Blessed Be
Thank you! I appreciate the other side! I do love him! Even though at times because of anger, rage, frustration, irritation it makes me feel like I hate him. I really dont. I never will. I hate the fact of what he has put me through but I just want him. I know he has so much potential that he has not applied to his life..I hope that now he can and so far he is..despite my frustrations, I know what he is doing is for the better. I know I can be a big problem and it's hard to contain my sappy feelings. I'm learning. Veryyy slowly but surely. Sometimes all the negative stuff just gets the best of me for sure. I'd love to talk to his sponsor as a mediator since his wife and me go to meetings together but then I think twice because I feel he would tell me to basically sit down, shutup, and suck it up. Harsh. Anyhow, thank you! The last thing I want to do is treat my love like I don't love him. Through the years, it sure hasn't shown all the time but I'm hoping I can improve myself to better treat myself and others around me. Especially my husband who really does deserve the world. I hate the negative feelings I have and I'm learning to be more positive and worry about myself as he is worrying about his self.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
What do I do in the meantime? I feel there's only so much I can do. He has our car to go to meetings and is gone the majority of the day, doesn't get home until later. It is christmas and I'd like to be able to do things with our girls, but....hard to. What could I do to better understand him to ease the misunderstanding and silence? I have to admit, after having sex for the first time in what felt like forever and being able to cuddle, I feel like some of the tension has lessened and I feel more comfortable in what's going on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
To: "I wish on stars"...
IWishOnStars777:
Here are some song lyrics that remind me partly of your dilemma and what you might be going through. In my view, you are doing well being honest; honest about how you feel and what you want. Here's the song:
by-Sarah Jarosz
"Dark Road"
You are going down a dark road
And you find yourself alone
And you are seeing things
You never saw before
But the loneliness will leave you
And you find yourself at home
Then suddenly the world
Is knocking at your door
[Chorus:]
The darkness covers you sometimes
The road is long but it always unwinds
And I find if you take your time
You will make it fine
Now the way I feel inside
Is not a mirror of my mind
But I cannot find the way
To be what I should be
With a thousand miles between us
I can feel you in my arms
But it’s just a feeling deep
In my memory
[2nd Chorus:]
The darkness covers me sometimes
The road is long but it always unwinds
And I find if you take your time
You will make it fine
The emptiness that fills me up
Is farther from me now
But it always lingers
On the back roads of my mind
I am falling from the darkness
Up into a swirling light
And I am looking at
The one I had to find
[Repeat Chorus]
Here are some song lyrics that remind me partly of your dilemma and what you might be going through. In my view, you are doing well being honest; honest about how you feel and what you want. Here's the song:
by-Sarah Jarosz
"Dark Road"
You are going down a dark road
And you find yourself alone
And you are seeing things
You never saw before
But the loneliness will leave you
And you find yourself at home
Then suddenly the world
Is knocking at your door
[Chorus:]
The darkness covers you sometimes
The road is long but it always unwinds
And I find if you take your time
You will make it fine
Now the way I feel inside
Is not a mirror of my mind
But I cannot find the way
To be what I should be
With a thousand miles between us
I can feel you in my arms
But it’s just a feeling deep
In my memory
[2nd Chorus:]
The darkness covers me sometimes
The road is long but it always unwinds
And I find if you take your time
You will make it fine
The emptiness that fills me up
Is farther from me now
But it always lingers
On the back roads of my mind
I am falling from the darkness
Up into a swirling light
And I am looking at
The one I had to find
[Repeat Chorus]
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
Hi Iwishonstars,
Drug addicts are selfish when using & sometimes need to be selfish in early recovery. I agree TB. Give it time. I'm glad you relieved some of your tension.
As for what to do in the meantime, I would concentrate on your girls & you. Since you don't have car readily available, how about creating some Christmas arts & crafts w/your girls? They have a multitude of ideas on Pinterest.
If it's snowing where you live, take your kids sledding.
If it's warm, go for walks.
Bake a bunch of Christmas cookies.
Play boardgames w/the kids.
There's a few ideas, I hope it helps.
(( Hugs ))
Drug addicts are selfish when using & sometimes need to be selfish in early recovery. I agree TB. Give it time. I'm glad you relieved some of your tension.
As for what to do in the meantime, I would concentrate on your girls & you. Since you don't have car readily available, how about creating some Christmas arts & crafts w/your girls? They have a multitude of ideas on Pinterest.
If it's snowing where you live, take your kids sledding.
If it's warm, go for walks.
Bake a bunch of Christmas cookies.
Play boardgames w/the kids.
There's a few ideas, I hope it helps.
(( Hugs ))
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