Dominorose

I apologize for my many threads, I decided I will open this one for everything !

So, for people who don't know me : I'm french, 24 years old, living in Paris, and my addiction is food. I "used to" be bulimic.

I've read RR, and another book by Kathryn Hansen on the Rational Recovery method, and it helped me a lot. For the first time since I had eating disorders (5 years) I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've made my Big Plan on the 13th of march, but I still struggle with the Beast. I know I want to recover for good, but I decided to act on my urges twice since then, and I just don't know why. Is it about willpower ?

I have to accept to let this awful addiction out of my life forever. I know everything I need to know now : all those stupid excuses of the Beast, telling me : "you're going to get fat if you keep this inside" when I have a normal meal for example (one of the "best" excuses it founds).

I know it is the end. I won't change my mind, I let the Beast win twice, I chose to binge eat, and I know it was a conscious choice because I recognized the AV, and each time I used the perfect excuse of : "okay I know it's the Beast, so let's try if I still enjoy the binge now"... Of course I didn't. Now it's over. I need to share it, even if I know it's not useful with RR.

I already know I will be afraid of the weight gain, I already know I will feel depressed and lethargic sometimes, or anxious, but I know those ideas and feelings belongs to the Beast, not to my true self. I accept the pain it will try to cause me to make me "relapse" : it won't work anymore. I prefer to feel depressed than staying in this situation.

No more excuses.

trachemys

Morning! You are making real progress. For that depression and lethargy, I prescribe long walks. You are in one of the more beautiful cities in the world. Get out and enjoy.

Dominorose

Thank you

I read some posts on the AVRT thread, and something came up : I feel like I need to read EVERYTHING about the concept of RR. At the beginning, I read "Brain over binge" by Kathryn Hensen, it was one year ago and it helped a lot... But I chose to relapse, and was back into the vicious cycle again.

So I decided to read Trimpey's book, "The new cure", and finished it two days ago. It gave me more "practical tools" to use everyday, so I'm glad I read it. But somehow, I feel I need to read everything about it, for example, the 4 threads on AVRT, and other forums/websites/blogs talking about it, just to have all the tools I could need. And I find this exhausting. Sometimes I just would like to stop thinking about the Beast and enjoying a good movie, but no, I just force myself to read everything so I could do everything in my power to stop my addiction.

Is it the AV ?

Dominorose

Someone to help?

GerandTwine

You've got the book and have read it, so you don't need to read anything else and you can use the book for reference. So, yes, IT is probably looking for contradictions and flaws that you know don't exist in AVRT. Particularly revealing is the idea of your binging on AVRT. Maybe by binging IT will get you to reject it all, a little later.

Dominorose

Thank you.


I'm feeling more confident day by day, it's magic. But yesterday I binged, using the new perfect excuse : "Ok I chose to act, but this is the last time."

After that I felt so bad it´s useless to say I won't binge eat anymore. And won't change my mind. I've had enough, I'm done.

GerandTwine

It sounds like you are occasionally binge eating and that you've succeeded at permanently ending voluntary vomiting. Do you find your hunger and eating cycle getting a more natural rhythm now?

GerandTwine

By the way, I like your avatar. It's like a Rorschach inkblot test for me. On the toast I see a mustache, two birds kissing, the top of a bikini, designer sunglasses, or 2 slices of black olives.

RobbyRobot

And you're right, enjoying our lives, no matter how simplified, is critical to our feeling happily fulfilled. Its possible to practice AVRT while feeling miserable of course, but its not necessary. The Beast doesn't account for time, is not itself aware of real time passage, so forgetting about the Beast while enjoying a simple pastime is not dangerous or foolish whatsoever. We can always pickup where we left off. Being afraid or directly concerned of the "power" of our Beast is itself AV. We decide everything. The Beast offers desire, but decides nothing. Take strength in knowing YOU are in charge of YOU and become indifferent to the AV of your Beasts desires.

Take it easy. Enjoy yourself and your life.

Dominorose

Thank you for your help and support.

I think my main problem now is : how can I chose not to act on my urges when I know that not acting on them could cause weight gain... It's really complicated.

But in another hand, I want to stop this behaviour, more than anything else. And to stop it I have to practice "acceptance" : it's not in my power to decide my weight, but in my body's. It has a set-point, and struggling against it is a lost battle.

I have to act like an adult now. I can't control my weight, and if I want to quit for good I have to forget keeping a low weight...

RobbyRobot

You're making excellent sense, Dominorose. As a person who has struggled my entire life with disability, (polio) I know first hand that there is something "magically delicious" in any struggle that is allowed to be natural as possible, without superfluous interventions, gimmicks, etc.

Often enough, I can "forget" my disabilities, even though the struggle continues going forward. This kind of "forgetfulness" is a worthy and valuable achievement for its own sake.

I'm glad you are feeling supported in your new thread!

Dominorose

Ok, I think I'm definetely "choosing to slip up" these days. I want to stop this but because I binged yesterday and saturday it reinforced the urges, so now they are stronger than ever.

I feel the ambivalence so strongly. I know it's the Beast telling me I will binge tonight. But it is so difficult to detach from it when it seems my true self wants to feel the "pleasure" of the binge?

I feel I'm losing my motivation these days, it is exhausting. One day everything's ok and the other one, I want to **** everything up and I fall down into my old habits again

I need support and advises please...

RobbyRobot

Decide as best you can that any thought, feeling, desire, etc that leads to binging, is not in fact YOU but rather IT, your Beast. Make the decision to make this idea important and essential to your success and well being.

Its the result of not binging that you want, so whatever leads you to not binge is YOU of course. The struggle itself is not the deciding factor. YOU are always in charge, even when perhaps you feel you're not.

Courage.

Dominorose

Robby thank you for the advice. I have made my Big Plan again yesterday night, but meaning every word of it this time. Thinking about the consequences:

- depression
- boredom
- frustration
- fear of weight gain
- stress
- fear

All these emotions are generated by the Beast and I will be able to recognize them by now. I won't listen to the perfect excuses of my lower brain. If I have to feel bad, I accept it. I prefer to be depressed than this life of elusive pleasure and real pain. And I also know I'm writing this bc I'm scared to break my commitment, which is pure AV once again, but it is losing its time. because from today, I won't ever break my Big Plan again.

trachemys

Go Domino!

Dominorose

Trachemys thank you so much!

trachemys

If all I can do for you is encourage you, then that is what I'll do

Dominorose

I encourage you to do so, it's really helping

trachemys

Go Go Go Go Go!

Dominorose

<3


And what about you?