Marshmallow

I wanted to update that since his binge has ended, Im back home. Im not certain he is free of the coke yet, but we will see what happens with this. If he is using it, I cant tell. He has a plan with his psychologist and has started appointments. I am going to try to attend my first online smart meeting tonight, and ordered some books but they have not arrived. I havent told my husband about this forum or smart, but I would like to in time. I have read some on avrt also thanks to your threads and i looked at their webiste. but I dont see much offered for family members. was wondering if your family members have learned about avrt, or if there is something specific I missed on that site. I also dont have my own psychologist, but after talking to my husbands doctor, Im not less afraid of that option. but all in all Im doing ok, and wanted you all to know because youve been a big help to me.

Marshmallow

Thank you. I will look for that and read it. I want to have a better understanding of my role in all this since Ive never experienced anything of his drug use in the past.

Last night I attended my first online smart meeting. It was 90 minutes long. I was very impressed. It was part one of setting boundaries, and it talked about the importance of having boundaries in any healthy relationship, and the added importance when there are new situations that come into our lives like an addiction, or what they called a person being in recovery. It was by audio and I wasnt up on how it all worked, some people were also typing questions and making comments but I couldnt figure out where to type, and it was funny. I ended up having to record about half of it, and I am going to listen to it later today. If you havent guessed Im not the forceful type, and Ive never had to be, dont want to be, but the way they discussed it all, it was more like learning to communicate well and have mutual respect. I will keep you all posted on my progress, and his. My dear husband is already getting bored at home. Since he is being forced out of work for a month. He has his doctor appointments and things, but I dont know how all this will go. Hes talking about getting into some home projects we wanted done anyway and it seems like that might be good. ?

trachemys

Anything that keeps him from using is a good thing.

RDBplus3

Marshmallow,
At some point, you have to hit a stone wall when it comes to you controlling his addiction. If he cannot control his addiction, you certainly cannot. That is the nature of Addiction.

I am happy for you that he is back, but his addiction obviously manipulates him, and it will manipulate anything and everything that allows it to. That is the nature of Addiction.

The thing I remember most about AVRT's recommendation to the family, is to present an unwavering ultimatum to the addict. Choose complete abstinence to remain as a welcome member of the family, or Choose to continue with the addictive use and leave the family. It is harsh, but again, if he cannot control the addiction, you cannot either, and being manipulated by his addiction just makes you and your family Victims of his choice to continue in his active addiction.

I was there, and I have chosen to be FREE from the addiction, and a welcome member of my family. You deserve no less.

RDB...the plus3 are my wife and kids

Marshmallow

Thank you both for your replies.

I am beginning to understand more about addiction since I have been reading. My husband has talked to me about what bad place he was in years ago when he was actively using. He told me he never wanted to go back to being that person or having his life out of his control. I think I was taking much for granted that it would never happen, and he would never slip, relapse, fall. But he did. I was very unprepared. I was in shock.

He has stopped drinking completely from what I can tell. I also dont think he is using coke, but that is maybe more hard to tell. He says no, and its all gone from the house. He will be getting drug tested for the next several months because of work. He is very depressed right now, and he seems to be genuinely remorseful. He is off work because of what happened. He is seeing his psychologist three times a week right now. They have a plan and a schedule. He is also doing some work at home. I showed him the Smart Website and the Rational Recovery Site and I know he was reading about avrt and talking about how he understands the thought of the addictive voice.

I am also starting to learn more now, and my books arrived from smart recovery and I am going to start reading them. My husband has been working on our taxes. We owe money and were waiting to file, and he was supposed to get them done with the business tax, but that binge messed everything up. Now I feel like I have to double check everything because Im a little afraid he might miss something due to compromised thinking, and I have to sign those forms !! But so far I have not found anything wrong, and we have worked on it good together.

Im trying. I feel like Ive learned a lot, but its a lot to take in within a short period of time too. I will keep you all posted on both our progress.