Domino's thread
I apologize for my many threads, I decided I will open this one for everything !
So, for people who don't know me : I'm french, 24 years old, living in Paris, and my addiction is food. I "used to" be bulimic.
I've read RR, and another book by Kathryn Hansen on the Rational Recovery method, and it helped me a lot. For the first time since I had eating disorders (5 years) I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I've made my Big Plan on the 13th of march, but I still struggle with the Beast. I know I want to recover for good, but I decided to act on my urges twice since then, and I just don't know why. Is it about willpower ?
I have to accept to let this awful addiction out of my life forever. I know everything I need to know now : all those stupid excuses of the Beast, telling me : "you're going to get fat if you keep this inside" when I have a normal meal for example (one of the "best" excuses it founds).
I know it is the end. I won't change my mind, I let the Beast win twice, I chose to binge eat, and I know it was a conscious choice because I recognized the AV, and each time I used the perfect excuse of : "okay I know it's the Beast, so let's try if I still enjoy the binge now"... Of course I didn't. Now it's over. I need to share it, even if I know it's not useful with RR.
I already know I will be afraid of the weight gain, I already know I will feel depressed and lethargic sometimes, or anxious, but I know those ideas and feelings belongs to the Beast, not to my true self. I accept the pain it will try to cause me to make me "relapse" : it won't work anymore. I prefer to feel depressed than staying in this situation.
No more excuses.