wanttobehealthy

... honestly, I used to LIVE for notes like this below, and I just saw this in my email and I'm not annoyed or angry or happy or sad... actually I am a little annoyed by it-- I kind of just want to roll my eyes at it. But other than that I don't really feel anything about this other than that I've seen this before when he's been feeling the effects of me not wanting to live this way any longer. And nothing ever changed in the past. I am not discounting that this time could be different but I am really stunned with how little I care about this note... I know he probably thinks he's trying but it's kind of meaningless to me to be honest. Actions matter. Words used to be all it took to win me over and that ship has sailed. In fact it's sunk and gone forever!

I can only imagine how tough this turmoil with you and I is for you. And the raesson that I say that is bc I am as miserable as I have been in a long time, and I usually dont feel much of anything most of the time. I keep thinking about today being D3's birthday, and that the association w/ her Bday will be the utter f'd up place our marriage is in. I don't want to be apart from you and I want our family to be strong, healthy and happy - and I know it is going to take time b4 we can even b together. i spoke with woman at outpatient rehab program yesterday, and she said that she would talk it over with other staff and let me know their decision by Monday. I have one SAT taker tomorrow, i guess thats good? ... extra $. I want u to know that even tho i am sad rite now, I know that all of this is (hopefully and w/ work) going to end w/ us staying together and being happy. It starts w me, honesty, honesty, honesty, and recovery. I love u and i am thinking of u.

sailorjohn

Must mean something, you took the trouble to read it and post it here.

suki44883

Maybe it means that you have had enough. I hope that's what it means.

wanttobehealthy

You're right, I did. I guess I wanted others opinions. And I wanted to share what I did about how odd it feels to me to not have this have the same impact on me emotionally that it would have a week ago...

For YEARS my AH could do pretty much anything and if he wrote a nice enough note it was all forgiven. Gee, wonder why nothing ever changed?! He knew he didn't have to!

I don't want to pretend that suddenly I'm detached completely but I do know this: being away from him for a week has been great and reading this I mostly just thought to myself that things are really different this time (for me) and I wonder how long (if ever) it will take before he realizes that.

I am not responding to his email btw. He has texted me 5 times in the past hour asking if I got this email and I don't really feel like answering. Do I need to?

I don't want to be a jerk but I really don't want to reply...

suki44883

I wouldn't reply. The fact that he keeps texting to see if you got it tells me that it was sent as a manipulation tactic. Keep doing what you are doing. He'll do whatever he is going to do and you don't really need a step-by-step accounting.

Tuffgirl

Not wanting to reply doesn't make you a jerk. Do what you want and think is best for you. And keep not caring what he wants/thinks/feels. That's detachment, and its not "jerk" behavior to let a grown man fend for himself so you can take care of yourself.

seekingcalm

I agree with Suki, if he is texting you to see if you read his email, that is certainly manipulative.

You are doing the right thing, you do not need to respond at all. IMO, there is nothing to say. The fact that you are not triggered emotionally as you would have been says you are on the right track. Stay strong. He expects you to be affected by his words...your lack of response will make very clear that things are different now. Actions, actions, actions.

starlight40

It sounds like you are well on your way to being healthy yourself!
Keep up the good work!

wanttobehealthy

He showed up at our house bc it was D3's bday and I'd said it was fine to come for a bit... And sure enough, asked if I got his email. I said yes and nothing more and it was like a Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde moment. When he got nothing more than yes the attitude and passive aggressive crap started. I did my best to not let it get to me, but it did. But I didn't say a word more about it so that is what I'm trying to keep my eye on. I can't fix everything in me at once but I think I've made some strides in the right direction this week and I'm going to focus on that and keep trying my best...

LexieCat

No reason you SHOULD feel anything. It sounds like the usual BS.

I guess he was expecting you to turn on your little "encouragement machine".

Good job on declining the invitation to the dance.

wanttobehealthy

Yeah totally right on the "encouragement machine"... When I don't become his personal cheerleader, unconditional "I love you" over and over giver, mood booster, etc... then I am and I quote from past history: "disrespectful, cold-hearted, uncaring, mentally ill"... Sometimes I am just one, sometimes all.

I guess I'm upset that I got ruffled at all and I'm upset that I CARE that he thinks I am being uncaring right now.

No contact would really be a lot better for me I think. The SECOND I am around him my emotional center goes from stable to crazy... I didn't realize just how much I don't miss being around him until I was around him today. Amazing the difference a week can make.

And just think... if I hadn't gone out with my mom last week and he hadn't decided to drink last Fri night, I would still be doing the same dance... I am actually grateful at this point that the misery of last weekend occured bc I know without a doubt that being apart is absolutely, 200% the right decision for my girls and I.

Ladybug0130

Oh my gosh girl, you are living my life right now! I am recently separated and realizing how much I like it. My AH used to do terrible things to me (emotional abuse) and he just had to say sorry or act nice for an hour and I felt like it was all okay. I forgave him WAY too many times, I still feel sorry for him in a way that I kicked him out, even though it is really truly all his fault! I tried HARD!

I am thinking I need to go no contact too, all our interactions sound like yours.

wanttobehealthy

Ladybug. I think I just posted on your thread while you were posting on mine! What I realized today is that I don't think AH (maybe I am giving him too much credit) even realizes how much he tries to manipulate. It's just his standard operating procedure with me and when I change the dynamic by not responding in my usual way, he just increases his usual methods. Usually this means I break and respond eventually and the dance goes on. I think that if I spend any time at all near him for the rest of the weekend there is a strong likelihood I will snap and give him what he wants.

His parents (he made these plans without checking with me) are coming to our house tomorrow to see D3 for her bday. It will be a cold day in hell before I leave the girls alone with him, let alone with him and his family so I told him I WILL be here and will set a time limit for the visit with the girls and I. He is welcome to spend the entire day with his family but the girls will not be subjected to them for more than an hour or two. I just hope I can keep my cool and not take the bait for that hour or two... Deep breaths!

nodaybut2day

a) Like my XAH, the maan has some serious grammar and spelling issues.

b) Have you noticed how presumptuous his email was?

Funny how he *knows* it's going to end with you two staying together and "being happy".

This seems like the appropriate reaction right now:

Verbena

I've gotten really good over the last month at not allowing my AH to suck me in to his alcohol induced issues. But, I have this one little flaw in my protective wall--I'm human.
I remember how he used to be. Yesterday afternoon I let myself get sucked in to another of his speeches.

But the fact is that he isn't who he used to be. Now he's full of beer and nonsense. He's an alcoholic with beer laced thinking--addictive thinking. His words are not to be trusted because they are reactions to his flawed thinking.

When I remember this it's easier for me not to care what he thinks and do what I need to do for myself.

blwninthewind

I think it means what is says...he's missing you and thinking of you. He's missing his daughter.

But it's just words.
I could write the same thing...and I don't even know you IRL. Does it make any of them less true?
ACTIONS.... that's what you need to see. Not words.

Shellcrusher

I'm seeing letters of that nature as nothing short of manipulative conditioning made to make us accept less than normal.

I'm not blasting your situation or the letter you got. I'm just kinda rehashing what I've become. If my AW makes diner once a week I feel like I've won the lottery. How is that normal? It's not and frankly, I'm getting a little wound up because I'm remembering what it's like to get a small nugget from my A. My therapist calls it seduction and the further from constant peace you get, the bigger and more powerful the seduction becomes, meanwhile the nuggets get smaller and you start accepting less and less. I've said the same thing twice now. I need to stop.

Good for you for not responding. Stay strong and don't let that letter make you feel anything. You didn't create it. It's not from you.

wicked

Yes, this is it exactly.
Have some amends to make in this category too.
I have been on both sides of this equation.

Beth

emp919

wow. this whole thread, and especially shellcrusher's post -- really, really helpful to me... and this does seem like a strange space to find yourself in, where you are thinking, is this detachment or am I being unreasonable? cruel? unforgiving? stingy? am I supposed to be feeling something? nothing? etc. I think for me, especially when the feeling feels new and unnatural, unpracticed -- as with detachment (for me).

Glad I saw this thread,

~emp919