AChapie

We met about 5 weeks ago. He told me right away, on our first date, that he had reached 13 years sober, as we chatted over coffee. He also said he had a problem in his last relationship, an 8 year committed relationshp; he hit the woman, and has been going to court ordered classes once a week for the past 9 months. He said he was provoked, but realized he made a mistake. Recently he injured his back and had gone to the doctor. He was given a script for vicodin, physical therapy and had an appointment for an MRI. I wondered about how the vicodin was going to work for him based on his history but I didn't say anything. I guess I figured he had it under control. I went away for the weekend. The day I came back he was sound asleep in the middle of the afternoon. He looked wiped out. I asked him what time he went to bed as it didn't make sense to me he was asleep at that time of day. He told me he abused the vicodin. He said he took two before his MRI and then after he decided to take the rest. He said he snorted them. He seemd to have trouble telling me the details of how he made the decision to abuse them, despite my numerous questions. I am naive to all of this. I didn't even know you could do that. My first reaction is to back out of whatever relationship we have found ourselves in. He told me he wanted to tell me what had happened to "trap himself" so he doesn't do it again. I don't trust that but also realize I don't much about addiction to drugs. I'm not under any illusions regarding keeping him from doing anything. I can't save him, cure him, fix him or in any way shape or reform him. That would be all him. My second reaction is to consider moving forward in the relationship with full disclosure, but I need to really know how to be. He has been fantastic on so many other levels. Perhaps you all can help me with that. If I do stay, for my own sake, I can not afford this level of naïveté. Your comments are welcome.

artsoul

Wow, AChapie - that's a huge red flag.... It just makes me wonder what else he's done in his 13 years of "sobriety." It's not as if he just decided to take an "extra pill" which is bad enough (and typical of us addicts), but he deliberately set out to get really high, even dangerously so.

The other thing that bothers me is that he seems to be drawing you into being responsible for him staying on the straight and narrow by telling you so "he won't abuse any more." Not fun for you and not a good strategy for him.

If he's not at a meeting talking about his relapse immediately, I would be very suspect. Sorry to have to say that, but what he did is pretty serious.

Check out the Family/Friends forum, too. Hugs and prayers..........

cat1961

If he went to snorting, then it's obvious he's got some history with drugs and will probably continue to do so. Sorry, but it does not sound good to me.

suki44883

RUN! I am not kidding! If after only 5 weeks this kind of crap is happening....RUN!!! You only have his say so that he is 13 years sober, plus there is the fact that he hit his previous girlfriend or whatever she was. Who snorts vicodin other than someone with a history of drug use? This is really an over-abundance of red flags.

AChapie

Thanks, I get what you are saying. I was talking with a friend of mine and I have already verbalized all of what you are saying. I know he should be in a meeting. And he should have realized that immediately instead of telling me all about it. I am out of town on business right now and when I return I want to be able to say what I need. It seems him getting plugged back in and actively working "whatever" it is he needs to work is a reasonable expectation on my part if I am to consider staying. I share your concern, when did it become my responsibility to keep him ok? I spent a lot of years in a codependent marriage and believe, not going back. I so appreciate your comment. I will check out the other area of this website. Thanks again.

AChapie

Please don't any of you apologize for speaking your truth. I want to hear it or I wouldn't have come here. I'm listening. I hear you.

cat1961

AC - you came to the right place! My first day here and I'm very impressed with the responses.

AChapie

OK....so many words later in conversations with supportive friends, I've concluded there really is only one option.

Dear Ken,
I say dear because you have truly become dear to me in the past weeks. Our first meeting was tentative, but sweet. It seemed both of our interests were piqued that day. We seemed to see in each other what we were looking for. Spending more time with you only increased my interest and I know you felt the same. I saw the potential for a lifetime. Your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your generosity was amazing. I was drawn to you. And you to me.
You have tried to be honest with me, I believe that and recognize how hard that was. You have openly shared glimpses into your darker side, I did not judge you as I have my own shady areas. I will admit, some of your story made me uncomfortable since I have such limited experiences with what you have been through.
I have been reflecting on the recent events as well as some of the details of the past weeks. I have spent time clarifying my own beliefs and sorting out my feelings. While the past weeks have been amazing and I have felt you grow in my heart I have made a painful decision. I have decided to end this relationship.
I believe you must center yourself and focus on your sobriety. You have worked hard and you can’t let it slip away. I believe you should be plugged into meetings and people who can help you. You need to do this now. Not tomorrow or next week. Now. I believe you should not be in a relationship with me.
I can not help you.
You touched me. I will miss you and remember you. I wish you every blessing and the strength you need to have the life you deserve.

least

I found that to be articulate and kind, yet firm. You take good care of yourself, ok?

coming_clean

`nicely written....

You should not be with this guy. Not because he is a bad person or something. But he has this disease called addiction. What i've come to understand by reading your post, he is far away being cured.

I wish you , and him all the best...

SASA

stay strong, it is a good thing, I believe you did the right decision. It may be a wake up call for him.

vegibean

Chapie, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!! If that were me, I would be runnnnnnnnnnnnning!!!!!!

AChapie

i appreciate the validation. I know I am doing the right thing and I will be fine. Purely selfish thought though, I am so sad. so disappointed. I miss whatever it was I had in my head about who he is, or was or could be.
I do so appreciate your comments though. I know this is the right thing to do. thank you all. My best to you.

AChapie

i know this is all right and good and all that, but damnit I'm sad! He was such a great guy. he was sweet, thoughtful, the man bought me flowers I can't even remember how many times over the past weeks. He was truly romancing me. Dang it! he took my car in and had the wheels balanced while i was sleeping prior to me having to take it on a business trip. he packed me a flipping snack box for the road with the types of vegetarian foods I eat. he wrote me cards. he told me i was beautiful and sexy. he held my hand and looked me in the eyes. last night i wasn't emotional. i was clinical. I'm a nurse, i know how to do that. its like it was a professional thing. this morning I'm like a dish rag. my eyes keep tearing up. I haven't even told him yet. I still know it's the right thing to do and I will. just god dang it! i already miss him. whoever i thought he was.

Murray4x5

Sounds to me like he was overcompensating on the "nice" front so as to set you up, to entrap you before his real ugly side came out.

This man sounds like the personification of addiction itself. Fun in the beginning, a few headaches but nothing really bad early on, but then those early red flags turn into bonfires, then years have gone by and all your available assets, both personally and financially, have been squandered.

A good man won't try so hard...a good man will just, well, feel right in every way.

Murray

suki44883

I'm reminded of the old adage...if something appears too good to be true, it probably is. After all, you really don't know this person after only 5 weeks. He said and did all the right things, but 5 weeks is nowhere nearly long enough to know someone.

cat1961

I know it's a tough decision but I've been there. These guys can be real charmers but inside they have a problem and can seriously escalate to serious problems.

I once had a boyfriend who was a coke head then got me started on it and thank God I did not come dependent on it. He scared the living daylights out of me and at one point he through his own cat through my front window. Not quite sure what all transpired in split seconds, but my arm went out the window as well and I have a scare on my arm which reminds me of what happened.

That doesn't even begin to tell the story of the last guy I was with who is a total Alkie. I was so disgusted with his drinking that I was ready to launch all the beers out of the fridge when low and behold he slammed my hand in the door. I thought I broke a finger but didn't, however, it's still troublesome to this day. Ya see, you never know when anyone is going to snap while they're under the influence.

You need to put this situation at ease for the time being. Perhaps there will be a time in the future that he has cleaned up and you folks can get together again. But for now, you will have to deal with the sadness and sorrow while knowing you made the right decision. I feel for ya!

btw - no offense to any men out there, women can be just as bad....

coffeenut

Great guys don't snort vicodin....nor do they hit women. Ever.

Suki's last post said it very well.

AChapie

i know you are right, coffeenut. great guys don't. what really makes me sad is what i had in my head about who he was. not necessarily who he really was. i get that.
OK...a more practical matter. he has already text messaged me today "gmorning baby" as if everything is exactly as it was when I left yesterday. this business trip I'm on has proved to be very useful as I spent the better part of last night reading and researching addiction. that's what led me to you fine folks and my decision. obviously things aren't the same as when I left.
how do i tell him? send him the letter? meet with him? call him? email? suggestions?

AChapie

hmmm.....as well I should say that in hindsight and retrospect there have been moments where I have seen he has a temper. also, there were times when I thought he was just really sleepy where he seemed "dopey" and his words slurred a little bit. putting it altogether now it seems he could have been using all along.