I met a fantastic man... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-12-2010, 09:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20

I met a fantastic man...


We met about 5 weeks ago. He told me right away, on our first date, that he had reached 13 years sober, as we chatted over coffee. He also said he had a problem in his last relationship, an 8 year committed relationshp; he hit the woman, and has been going to court ordered classes once a week for the past 9 months. He said he was provoked, but realized he made a mistake. Recently he injured his back and had gone to the doctor. He was given a script for vicodin, physical therapy and had an appointment for an MRI. I wondered about how the vicodin was going to work for him based on his history but I didn't say anything. I guess I figured he had it under control. I went away for the weekend. The day I came back he was sound asleep in the middle of the afternoon. He looked wiped out. I asked him what time he went to bed as it didn't make sense to me he was asleep at that time of day. He told me he abused the vicodin. He said he took two before his MRI and then after he decided to take the rest. He said he snorted them. He seemd to have trouble telling me the details of how he made the decision to abuse them, despite my numerous questions. I am naive to all of this. I didn't even know you could do that. My first reaction is to back out of whatever relationship we have found ourselves in. He told me he wanted to tell me what had happened to "trap himself" so he doesn't do it again. I don't trust that but also realize I don't much about addiction to drugs. I'm not under any illusions regarding keeping him from doing anything. I can't save him, cure him, fix him or in any way shape or reform him. That would be all him. My second reaction is to consider moving forward in the relationship with full disclosure, but I need to really know how to be. He has been fantastic on so many other levels. Perhaps you all can help me with that. If I do stay, for my own sake, I can not afford this level of naïveté. Your comments are welcome.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-2010, 09:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
SR Fan
 
artsoul's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Wow, AChapie - that's a huge red flag.... It just makes me wonder what else he's done in his 13 years of "sobriety." It's not as if he just decided to take an "extra pill" which is bad enough (and typical of us addicts), but he deliberately set out to get really high, even dangerously so.

The other thing that bothers me is that he seems to be drawing you into being responsible for him staying on the straight and narrow by telling you so "he won't abuse any more." Not fun for you and not a good strategy for him.

If he's not at a meeting talking about his relapse immediately, I would be very suspect. Sorry to have to say that, but what he did is pretty serious.

Check out the Family/Friends forum, too. Hugs and prayers..........
artsoul is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to artsoul For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010), least (07-12-2010), Reubena (07-13-2010)
Old 07-12-2010, 09:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
cat1961's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Not Good

If he went to snorting, then it's obvious he's got some history with drugs and will probably continue to do so. Sorry, but it does not sound good to me.
cat1961 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to cat1961 For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010), least (07-12-2010), Lionne (07-13-2010)
Old 07-12-2010, 09:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Somewhere Out There
Posts: 25,437
RUN! I am not kidding! If after only 5 weeks this kind of crap is happening....RUN!!! You only have his say so that he is 13 years sober, plus there is the fact that he hit his previous girlfriend or whatever she was. Who snorts vicodin other than someone with a history of drug use? This is really an over-abundance of red flags.
__________________
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
suki44883 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
AChapie (07-12-2010), freefalling (07-13-2010), least (07-12-2010), Lionne (07-13-2010), Reubena (07-13-2010), SlvrMag (07-14-2010)
Old 07-12-2010, 09:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
Thanks, I get what you are saying. I was talking with a friend of mine and I have already verbalized all of what you are saying. I know he should be in a meeting. And he should have realized that immediately instead of telling me all about it. I am out of town on business right now and when I return I want to be able to say what I need. It seems him getting plugged back in and actively working "whatever" it is he needs to work is a reasonable expectation on my part if I am to consider staying. I share your concern, when did it become my responsibility to keep him ok? I spent a lot of years in a codependent marriage and believe, not going back. I so appreciate your comment. I will check out the other area of this website. Thanks again.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to AChapie For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010)
Old 07-12-2010, 09:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
Please don't any of you apologize for speaking your truth. I want to hear it or I wouldn't have come here. I'm listening. I hear you.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AChapie For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010), SlvrMag (07-14-2010)
Old 07-12-2010, 10:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
cat1961's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
AC - you came to the right place! My first day here and I'm very impressed with the responses.
cat1961 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to cat1961 For This Useful Post:
AChapie (07-12-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 12:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
OK....so many words later in conversations with supportive friends, I've concluded there really is only one option.

Dear Ken,
I say dear because you have truly become dear to me in the past weeks. Our first meeting was tentative, but sweet. It seemed both of our interests were piqued that day. We seemed to see in each other what we were looking for. Spending more time with you only increased my interest and I know you felt the same. I saw the potential for a lifetime. Your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your generosity was amazing. I was drawn to you. And you to me.
You have tried to be honest with me, I believe that and recognize how hard that was. You have openly shared glimpses into your darker side, I did not judge you as I have my own shady areas. I will admit, some of your story made me uncomfortable since I have such limited experiences with what you have been through.
I have been reflecting on the recent events as well as some of the details of the past weeks. I have spent time clarifying my own beliefs and sorting out my feelings. While the past weeks have been amazing and I have felt you grow in my heart I have made a painful decision. I have decided to end this relationship.
I believe you must center yourself and focus on your sobriety. You have worked hard and you can’t let it slip away. I believe you should be plugged into meetings and people who can help you. You need to do this now. Not tomorrow or next week. Now. I believe you should not be in a relationship with me.
I can not help you.
You touched me. I will miss you and remember you. I wish you every blessing and the strength you need to have the life you deserve.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 15 Users Say Thank You to AChapie For This Useful Post:
a fallen man (07-14-2010), angeldrummer (07-13-2010), artsoul (07-13-2010), AWOL (07-14-2010), fragrantrose (07-13-2010), freefalling (07-13-2010), GRACIE01 (07-14-2010), least (07-13-2010), Margareth (07-14-2010), Omega060610 (07-13-2010), Reubena (07-13-2010), SlvrMag (07-14-2010), Sneezy (07-13-2010), TTOSBT (07-13-2010), vegibean (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 12:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 80,185
Blog Entries: 32
I found that to be articulate and kind, yet firm. You take good care of yourself, ok?
__________________
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

least is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
AChapie (07-13-2010), freefalling (07-13-2010), Reubena (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 01:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
coming_clean's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,351
`nicely written....

You should not be with this guy. Not because he is a bad person or something. But he has this disease called addiction. What i've come to understand by reading your post, he is far away being cured.

I wish you , and him all the best...
__________________
Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
coming_clean is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to coming_clean For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 04:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
stay strong, it is a good thing, I believe you did the right decision. It may be a wake up call for him.
__________________
We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets." Marylin Monroe
SASA is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to SASA For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 05:33 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
vegibean's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,649
Chapie, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!! If that were me, I would be runnnnnnnnnnnnning!!!!!!
__________________
"When you're green, you grow, when you're ripe, you rot. Don't stop learning." ~ Unknown
vegibean is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to vegibean For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 06:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
i appreciate the validation. I know I am doing the right thing and I will be fine. Purely selfish thought though, I am so sad. so disappointed. I miss whatever it was I had in my head about who he is, or was or could be.
I do so appreciate your comments though. I know this is the right thing to do. thank you all. My best to you.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to AChapie For This Useful Post:
Reubena (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 07:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
i know this is all right and good and all that, but damnit I'm sad! He was such a great guy. he was sweet, thoughtful, the man bought me flowers I can't even remember how many times over the past weeks. He was truly romancing me. Dang it! he took my car in and had the wheels balanced while i was sleeping prior to me having to take it on a business trip. he packed me a flipping snack box for the road with the types of vegetarian foods I eat. he wrote me cards. he told me i was beautiful and sexy. he held my hand and looked me in the eyes. last night i wasn't emotional. i was clinical. I'm a nurse, i know how to do that. its like it was a professional thing. this morning I'm like a dish rag. my eyes keep tearing up. I haven't even told him yet. I still know it's the right thing to do and I will. just god dang it! i already miss him. whoever i thought he was.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AChapie For This Useful Post:
Mataleao (07-13-2010), SlvrMag (07-14-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 08:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
Proud Neonephalist
 
Murray4x5's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Sounds to me like he was overcompensating on the "nice" front so as to set you up, to entrap you before his real ugly side came out.

This man sounds like the personification of addiction itself. Fun in the beginning, a few headaches but nothing really bad early on, but then those early red flags turn into bonfires, then years have gone by and all your available assets, both personally and financially, have been squandered.

A good man won't try so hard...a good man will just, well, feel right in every way.

Murray
__________________
I am stronger and smarter than my alcohol altered limbic system!


Alcoholism leaves you living between your last drunk and your next drink,
and that space just keeps getting tighter and tighter all the time until it crushes you.
When there is no next drink, you're free!!
Murray4x5 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Murray4x5 For This Useful Post:
SlvrMag (07-14-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 08:12 AM   #16 (permalink)
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Somewhere Out There
Posts: 25,437
I'm reminded of the old adage...if something appears too good to be true, it probably is. After all, you really don't know this person after only 5 weeks. He said and did all the right things, but 5 weeks is nowhere nearly long enough to know someone.
__________________
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
suki44883 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
coffeenut (07-13-2010), freefalling (07-13-2010), Margareth (07-14-2010), SlvrMag (07-14-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 08:25 AM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
cat1961's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by AChapie View Post
i know this is all right and good and all that, but damnit I'm sad! He was such a great guy. he was sweet, thoughtful, the man bought me flowers I can't even remember how many times over the past weeks. He was truly romancing me. Dang it! he took my car in and had the wheels balanced while i was sleeping prior to me having to take it on a business trip. he packed me a flipping snack box for the road with the types of vegetarian foods I eat. he wrote me cards. he told me i was beautiful and sexy. he held my hand and looked me in the eyes. last night i wasn't emotional. i was clinical. I'm a nurse, i know how to do that. its like it was a professional thing. this morning I'm like a dish rag. my eyes keep tearing up. I haven't even told him yet. I still know it's the right thing to do and I will. just god dang it! i already miss him. whoever i thought he was.
I know it's a tough decision but I've been there. These guys can be real charmers but inside they have a problem and can seriously escalate to serious problems.

I once had a boyfriend who was a coke head then got me started on it and thank God I did not come dependent on it. He scared the living daylights out of me and at one point he through his own cat through my front window. Not quite sure what all transpired in split seconds, but my arm went out the window as well and I have a scare on my arm which reminds me of what happened.

That doesn't even begin to tell the story of the last guy I was with who is a total Alkie. I was so disgusted with his drinking that I was ready to launch all the beers out of the fridge when low and behold he slammed my hand in the door. I thought I broke a finger but didn't, however, it's still troublesome to this day. Ya see, you never know when anyone is going to snap while they're under the influence.

You need to put this situation at ease for the time being. Perhaps there will be a time in the future that he has cleaned up and you folks can get together again. But for now, you will have to deal with the sadness and sorrow while knowing you made the right decision. I feel for ya!

btw - no offense to any men out there, women can be just as bad....
cat1961 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cat1961 For This Useful Post:
AChapie (07-13-2010), freefalling (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 09:05 AM   #18 (permalink)
6/20/08
 

Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Great guys don't snort vicodin....nor do they hit women. Ever.

Suki's last post said it very well.
__________________
Choices, Chances, Changes.
coffeenut is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to coffeenut For This Useful Post:
AChapie (07-13-2010), freefalling (07-13-2010), Raindance (07-13-2010)
Old 07-13-2010, 10:38 AM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
i know you are right, coffeenut. great guys don't. what really makes me sad is what i had in my head about who he was. not necessarily who he really was. i get that.
OK...a more practical matter. he has already text messaged me today "gmorning baby" as if everything is exactly as it was when I left yesterday. this business trip I'm on has proved to be very useful as I spent the better part of last night reading and researching addiction. that's what led me to you fine folks and my decision. obviously things aren't the same as when I left.
how do i tell him? send him the letter? meet with him? call him? email? suggestions?
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2010, 10:40 AM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: seattle
Posts: 20
hmmm.....as well I should say that in hindsight and retrospect there have been moments where I have seen he has a temper. also, there were times when I thought he was just really sleepy where he seemed "dopey" and his words slurred a little bit. putting it altogether now it seems he could have been using all along.
AChapie is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:21 AM.