Do you just forget the past?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: out there
Posts: 37
Do you just forget the past?
My AH is going on 1 month being sober. I guess he thinks everything in life should be all good. I have a problem with wanting things to all be forgotten. I don't throw things up in his face and try to do what has to be done at our house. I don't feel attracted to him anymore and I don't know if I want to be. I go to counseling and alanon and don't think either of those things will make my love for him be the same as it was. Does anyone else feel this way or have I just turned into a real uncaring person? I have had so many things go on in the past I am not sure I can ever get the same feelings back for him that I once had.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
My abf gets really upset when I bring up the past. He says he's tired of me rubbing it in his face (even though I'm just trying to explain how it has affected our relationship). According to him, he took care of the problem and now I should just forget and move forward. Unfortunately for me, the problem is not "taken care of" as he just switched up the addiction from alcohol to narcotics which are easier to hide and deny. I completely understand how you feel. Everything you went through is still fresh in your mind and it doesn't just go away. You have become a different person from your experiences. Sometimes it just takes time for these feelings of hurt to subside.. and perhaps you WILL feel better and feel closer to him again in the future. One month of recover time is not a lot and it will take far more than this for him to regain your trust. As I've been told in response to some of my own posts, only time will tell how you are going to feel. Hang in there and I wish the best for your ah in his recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
You cannot forget the past, but what is done is done. For me, only now and today is what counts. I remember early sobriety was the great feeling that all is well. I hadn't felt good in so long and it was great. Sobriety is a life change. You may care more than you know, after all you are reaching out for your own recovery. Keep it up and the best of all you wish will happen. LOL
:praying
:praying
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,946
I go to counseling and alanon and don't think either of those things will make my love for him be the same as it was.
Keep an open mind and focus on using these tools as paths to finding out who YOU are. Not to find out whether you still love HIM etc.
Two people who hooked up because their worst traits (alkie/codie) fit togther like a puzzle piece may find they don't line up so well when these habits are "under repair" or are being replaced with new healthier ways of behaving/thinking/interacting.
Easy does it...time takes time...and more will be revealed.
peace,
b.
Keep an open mind and focus on using these tools as paths to finding out who YOU are. Not to find out whether you still love HIM etc.
Two people who hooked up because their worst traits (alkie/codie) fit togther like a puzzle piece may find they don't line up so well when these habits are "under repair" or are being replaced with new healthier ways of behaving/thinking/interacting.
Easy does it...time takes time...and more will be revealed.
peace,
b.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: out there
Posts: 37
Bernadette I think you are right about the puzzle pieces. That is how I feel. I don't fit him anymore. I told him I thought I should move out for a while and see how things go. He said he feels if I go I will never come back. I think he may be right. I don't think we fit anymore. Thanks for the post.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I'm struggling a little with this at the moment.
My RABF mentioned the other night whilst I was reading on SR that he's not sure why I still come here, I told him because I still need to work on me and he replied "Yeah but that area of my life is done with now, it's in the past, I'd rather just forget about it."
I just replied with a "mmm" and carried on reading. He can choose to forget about it and that is his choice, I'm finding it harder, maybe because I remember more clearly the hell that it was and I wasn't anesthetized throughout it. But it got me thinking about forgiveness and "letting go" and why I'm finding it hard to "put the past behind me".
The last thing I want is to hold on to resentments but sometimes it's hard not to. I'm also struggling a little that after 11 months sober there is no apology for his behaviour whilst drinking.
There is bound to be changes and feelings change too, that can't be helped. If you are sure you don't "fit" anymore, what is keeping you there?
My RABF mentioned the other night whilst I was reading on SR that he's not sure why I still come here, I told him because I still need to work on me and he replied "Yeah but that area of my life is done with now, it's in the past, I'd rather just forget about it."
I just replied with a "mmm" and carried on reading. He can choose to forget about it and that is his choice, I'm finding it harder, maybe because I remember more clearly the hell that it was and I wasn't anesthetized throughout it. But it got me thinking about forgiveness and "letting go" and why I'm finding it hard to "put the past behind me".
The last thing I want is to hold on to resentments but sometimes it's hard not to. I'm also struggling a little that after 11 months sober there is no apology for his behaviour whilst drinking.
There is bound to be changes and feelings change too, that can't be helped. If you are sure you don't "fit" anymore, what is keeping you there?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Do I forget the past? No I don't. There is a dog that lives on my street. On many occasssions in the past this dog has charged me, teeth barrred, offering to bite, and it scared me. Now, when I see that dog is out do I forget his past behavior? No, I don't. I remember how he has behaved before, I accept that there is a good chance it may happen again, and I take action. In this case, I turn around and walk the other way, I have also talked with the owner who refuses to admit there is a problem with dear Fluffy and will not seek training for the dog.
I have learned here about the idea of awareness, acceptance, action. In my case becoming consciously aware of the past in all its good and BAD details was my first step in getting myself healthy. Then, I needed to accept my current reality, accept my past behavior, and accept the idea of alcoholism in my XAH. Last, I need to have an action plan. For me it looked like counseling, alanon, a support group, reading here, reading recovery books, working on my social life with my girlfriends. It also involved remembering the past behavior and lies, manipulations, and cunning hurtful behavior from my XAH. He was like that dog down the street. He hadn't done any work at recovery_at_all. So all his talk was quacking. So remembering the past and stopping my denial was a key component for my healing.
I have learned here about the idea of awareness, acceptance, action. In my case becoming consciously aware of the past in all its good and BAD details was my first step in getting myself healthy. Then, I needed to accept my current reality, accept my past behavior, and accept the idea of alcoholism in my XAH. Last, I need to have an action plan. For me it looked like counseling, alanon, a support group, reading here, reading recovery books, working on my social life with my girlfriends. It also involved remembering the past behavior and lies, manipulations, and cunning hurtful behavior from my XAH. He was like that dog down the street. He hadn't done any work at recovery_at_all. So all his talk was quacking. So remembering the past and stopping my denial was a key component for my healing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
>>I don't feel attracted to him anymore and I don't know if I want to be. I go to counseling and alanon and don't think either of those things will make my love for him be the same as it was. Does anyone else feel this way or have I just turned into a real uncaring person?>>
Not having romantic feelings of intimacy towards your AH is a consequence of being married to an AH. Being that marriage is suppose to be a healthy inter-relational experience neither person escapes the consequence. You are not uncaring, or cold or unloving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is the normal way of things to have a romantic love( attraction ) for your husband, so you are losing out too. And you not having romantic feelings for him are the consequences he must face for his time spent depleting them. You are note machine! He will either pout it and view at as you don't love him or want him or he will understand that there is going to be a lot of emotional and relational work.
Was he caring of you when he made decisions that drained your romantic tank instead of filling it with the things that keep it full? How can a woman continue to have feelings for of romance for a child in a mans body? ( ick)
A spouse of an RA has to decide for their self if this dimension of the relationship can be reestablished or has been destroyed for them. It is the major reason to be married, different from friend/family love. Either we don't even want to allow for a romantic relationship or we are willing to give the RA time to arise romantic feelings in us again. That makes you wise not uncaring!!!!!!!!!!!! However, if is fair for the RAH to know if you take the stand that there is not a chance. But it is fair for the RAH to understand you may need time to "warm up" as he grows up into a healthy adult RA.
love tammy
Not having romantic feelings of intimacy towards your AH is a consequence of being married to an AH. Being that marriage is suppose to be a healthy inter-relational experience neither person escapes the consequence. You are not uncaring, or cold or unloving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is the normal way of things to have a romantic love( attraction ) for your husband, so you are losing out too. And you not having romantic feelings for him are the consequences he must face for his time spent depleting them. You are note machine! He will either pout it and view at as you don't love him or want him or he will understand that there is going to be a lot of emotional and relational work.
Was he caring of you when he made decisions that drained your romantic tank instead of filling it with the things that keep it full? How can a woman continue to have feelings for of romance for a child in a mans body? ( ick)
A spouse of an RA has to decide for their self if this dimension of the relationship can be reestablished or has been destroyed for them. It is the major reason to be married, different from friend/family love. Either we don't even want to allow for a romantic relationship or we are willing to give the RA time to arise romantic feelings in us again. That makes you wise not uncaring!!!!!!!!!!!! However, if is fair for the RAH to know if you take the stand that there is not a chance. But it is fair for the RAH to understand you may need time to "warm up" as he grows up into a healthy adult RA.
love tammy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Tammy, you are right, I should be honest and not let him have false hope. I guess I am now to the point of not wanting him to wait for me to warm up to him again. I feel that if he were active in a good support system and was willing to get help and not do it on his own, I may be more willing to give it a try. He has been so moody and hateful lately and just wants me to give in and be like we were 20+ years ago. I just don't see myself doing that. I hope this makes sense. I am just so confused right now.
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My favorite saying these days is life doesn't have a reverse gear, it only goes forward. There is no way to go back twenty years, even if you wanted to, and even if alcoholism weren't involved. Life is one big long lesson. If you forget the past, you do so at your own peril. If you skip the lessons, you may well be forced to learn them again. Couples can grow through and overcome problems, if both are willing, but there is no rewind and go back. You either move forward, healthier and wiser together, or healthier and wiser apart.
L
L
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Yep, I understand.
You can always tell him how you feel and tell him you have issues too, like confusion. :-) If he is not drinking this is the way healthy people communicate where they are at, what they think and what the want. Then he tells you, then you both work it out together or for yourselves.
Can I ask, are you confused about what the right decision is or do you not what to make the 'wrong' decision?
When we are honest with ourselves the decisions can be made. The next step is following through.
I told my AH that I no longer had romantic feelings for him. If he did not relapse and worked on his recovery all around I would not even consider divorce put would allow for time to heal an open this dimension of my heart. He then asked me what if I didn't have that kind of love for him again when he was a RA with time behind him. I told him that at that point i would let him know if my feelings weren't still romantic and as an RA with time I know he would be healthy enough to understand if i had to leave. This is how my ability to stay confused was removed.
Anyway, my answer was he relapsed and did not return to meetings and was moody and 'immature' to the fact I wasn't sleeping with him (daaa, after a relapse off a relapse). I am getting a divorce, I didn't have to go with the option to wait and see because the first boundary I set for protection of myself was broke.
love tam
You can always tell him how you feel and tell him you have issues too, like confusion. :-) If he is not drinking this is the way healthy people communicate where they are at, what they think and what the want. Then he tells you, then you both work it out together or for yourselves.
Can I ask, are you confused about what the right decision is or do you not what to make the 'wrong' decision?
When we are honest with ourselves the decisions can be made. The next step is following through.
I told my AH that I no longer had romantic feelings for him. If he did not relapse and worked on his recovery all around I would not even consider divorce put would allow for time to heal an open this dimension of my heart. He then asked me what if I didn't have that kind of love for him again when he was a RA with time behind him. I told him that at that point i would let him know if my feelings weren't still romantic and as an RA with time I know he would be healthy enough to understand if i had to leave. This is how my ability to stay confused was removed.
Anyway, my answer was he relapsed and did not return to meetings and was moody and 'immature' to the fact I wasn't sleeping with him (daaa, after a relapse off a relapse). I am getting a divorce, I didn't have to go with the option to wait and see because the first boundary I set for protection of myself was broke.
love tam
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My confusion is staying and waiting or leaving and giving him the option to recovery and let me see that it is really going to happen. It that selfish of me? I just need to go away for a while to clear my head. It seems so pressure filled to stay in the same house with him.
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Originally Posted by passing by 
I just need to go away for a while to clear my head.
It doesn't have to be forever, or it can be. It's up to you to decide. It's your life.
L
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
>>My confusion is staying and waiting or leaving and giving him the option to recovery and let me see that it is really going to happen. It that selfish of me? I just need to go away for a while to clear my head. It seems so pressure filled to stay in the same house with him.>>
A big resounding NO!!! Your are not being selfish.
Your are trying to come to a healthy decision!!! It is healthy to know you need to clear your head. it is healthy to recognize it. It is healthy to recognize your own feelings * and consider that it is not selfish to do so. It is healthy to make a plan of action because you recognize the present living situation is to pressure filled to be helpful.
You are not being selfish! You are moving towards a healthy self, not a selfish heart.
It is his option to recover and decide what that is, but it your option to decide enough has "happened" in his recovery for you, as it effects you.
love tammy
A big resounding NO!!! Your are not being selfish.
Your are trying to come to a healthy decision!!! It is healthy to know you need to clear your head. it is healthy to recognize it. It is healthy to recognize your own feelings * and consider that it is not selfish to do so. It is healthy to make a plan of action because you recognize the present living situation is to pressure filled to be helpful.
You are not being selfish! You are moving towards a healthy self, not a selfish heart.
It is his option to recover and decide what that is, but it your option to decide enough has "happened" in his recovery for you, as it effects you.
love tammy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by passing by
My confusion is staying and waiting or leaving and giving him the option to recovery and let me see that it is really going to happen. It that selfish of me? I just need to go away for a while to clear my head. It seems so pressure filled to stay in the same house with him.
Then do so. You deserve whatever it may be that you need to figure out what you want life to be going forward. Separating does not have to be permanent. I might be but it might no. But you certain deserve to be able to take care of yourself in whatever way you feel is necessary. If separation will provide you with time and space to find clarity, then give yourself that gift.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
I feel exactly the same way about my AH. I do still care about him and want him to get better, but I am certainly not in love with him anymore and don't know if I ever could be again. So, no you are not alone. I was wondering if I was uncaring and cold myself. Thanks for posting this. :ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
My AH has told me many times to forget the past, just like it never happened. That we can start over "new" together.
I tried several times only to have it thrown back into my face. Now that I just don't want to put the time and energy into our relationship again he's making me feel as if it's all my fault.
You cannot forget the past, if anything the bad things are drilled even more heavily into our heads, they're there forever.
We can accept them as part of our past, we can build our future to recognize and avoid future truly bad events/people, but we can never forget.
I tried several times only to have it thrown back into my face. Now that I just don't want to put the time and energy into our relationship again he's making me feel as if it's all my fault.
You cannot forget the past, if anything the bad things are drilled even more heavily into our heads, they're there forever.
We can accept them as part of our past, we can build our future to recognize and avoid future truly bad events/people, but we can never forget.
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