first time here
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1
first time here
Emotionally lost, a little long sorry wanted to give whole picture
My father has been an alcoholic for about 10 years although largely functional until recently. He remarried a woman 20+ years his junior and they now have a 6 year old girl. He has lost so much weight recently and is obsessed with youth to keep his wretched wife around. The woman nags on him all day long, does nothing around the house until she bashes peoples heads in as a cop four days a week. They both start drinking at about 4 each day and begin hating the world. He is so intelligent and just wasting his life away and im sure eventually ruining the career he has built.
I am empty after my last conversation with my father. I told him I just wanted him to care about me and he pointed to me saying how badly I show emotion, and how I months ago called him an alcoholic and said he endangered the life of my sister (a definite polarization of what was actually said). Our arguments keep getting worse, and he keeps saying more and more cruel things, crosses lines I could never fathom he would cross. He seems almost scared of himself and so lost. He treats my little sister like gold and in an immature way I am so jealous of the relationship they have and the caring he shows her.
I am now in college, and ready to make some big decisions about our relationship. I can’t help but feel I am abandoning my father, but I just sob after about half of our interactions and the stress is really getting to me. He apologizes when confronted but never on his own and nothing is changing. What are the chances he will seek help? Is a partial and hurtful relationship better than none at all? Any thoughts would be so helpful.
My father has been an alcoholic for about 10 years although largely functional until recently. He remarried a woman 20+ years his junior and they now have a 6 year old girl. He has lost so much weight recently and is obsessed with youth to keep his wretched wife around. The woman nags on him all day long, does nothing around the house until she bashes peoples heads in as a cop four days a week. They both start drinking at about 4 each day and begin hating the world. He is so intelligent and just wasting his life away and im sure eventually ruining the career he has built.
I am empty after my last conversation with my father. I told him I just wanted him to care about me and he pointed to me saying how badly I show emotion, and how I months ago called him an alcoholic and said he endangered the life of my sister (a definite polarization of what was actually said). Our arguments keep getting worse, and he keeps saying more and more cruel things, crosses lines I could never fathom he would cross. He seems almost scared of himself and so lost. He treats my little sister like gold and in an immature way I am so jealous of the relationship they have and the caring he shows her.
I am now in college, and ready to make some big decisions about our relationship. I can’t help but feel I am abandoning my father, but I just sob after about half of our interactions and the stress is really getting to me. He apologizes when confronted but never on his own and nothing is changing. What are the chances he will seek help? Is a partial and hurtful relationship better than none at all? Any thoughts would be so helpful.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
In al-anon we learn to focus on ourselves. We learn to accept the things we can't change and change what we can. We gain the wisdom to know the difference.
This is your time to become independent and do well in college without the drama.
Minimizing your relationship with your dad sounds healthy. Tell him exactly why you are doing it and do it. Find gratification from doing well, your friends, your studies, your own health etc. Seek relationships that are healthy and nurture.
Seek counseling. Letting go and acceptance of what is...are important.
Welcome to this forum.
This is your time to become independent and do well in college without the drama.
Minimizing your relationship with your dad sounds healthy. Tell him exactly why you are doing it and do it. Find gratification from doing well, your friends, your studies, your own health etc. Seek relationships that are healthy and nurture.
Seek counseling. Letting go and acceptance of what is...are important.
Welcome to this forum.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Oh Sweety ,
I am so sorry. I have 4 kids 15 through 21.
First your are not abandoning him. Just the opposite, he has abandoned you.
He is your father and you have a little sister you might want to be with. So if you want to see him then do, and if you don't , don't.
My experience is to set boundaries. You set the boundaries for you, thereby respecting both yourself and him, and both your decisions.
example: if he starts drinking and gets intoxicated while I am there i will have to leave.
If he insults me over the phone 2 times I will say good bye.
I will not hold a conversation with him drunk , I will remove myself from the conversation.
If he asks me why I am leaving the room, leaving the house, hanging up the phone i will explain to him my boundaries and proceed with my boundary.
I am so sorry. I have 4 kids 15 through 21.
First your are not abandoning him. Just the opposite, he has abandoned you.
He is your father and you have a little sister you might want to be with. So if you want to see him then do, and if you don't , don't.
My experience is to set boundaries. You set the boundaries for you, thereby respecting both yourself and him, and both your decisions.
example: if he starts drinking and gets intoxicated while I am there i will have to leave.
If he insults me over the phone 2 times I will say good bye.
I will not hold a conversation with him drunk , I will remove myself from the conversation.
If he asks me why I am leaving the room, leaving the house, hanging up the phone i will explain to him my boundaries and proceed with my boundary.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I cut off most of my interactions with my alcoholic parents when I enered college and moved in with my grandmother. I lived all of 2 houses down the street but that physical distance made all the difference for my peace and development. Be kind to yourself and do not view it as abandonment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Reaching your age and being in college or moving out of the house is a big adjustment time for anyone- when you have an alcoholic parent it is hard because there are so many unresolved issues and resentments.
My dad was an alcoholic for the first 15 years of my life. Although he did find sobriety and recovery it wasn't the magic wand that I had been fantasizing about all my childhood! In fact, it ultimately showed me just how much work I had in front of me!
Focus on your goals and your plans. You're becoming an adult - try to detach and step back and see your Dad as just another adult who has made these choices and- well - he has a right to live how he chooses. Just like you do.
Easy does it. Have you tried some counseling (can you access counseling through Campus Health Services?). Therapy and AlAnon helped me so much. I was banging my head against a wall thinking the change and help would come from my relationship with my parents- the reality was once I changed and helped myself my relationships with EVERYONE changed - for the better.
I really really really wanted my parents to be different than they were!
A friend said to me once - after hearing my familiar story of strife and disappointment in my relationship w/ my mother - "When are you going to accept that she will never be the mother you think you should have? What's it going to take?"
It made me see that I was hoping to bend a spoon into a water fountain!!! Magically thinking it was possible: if she could just SEE what I see, if she would just listen, why doesn't SHE get it??!! Oy- made myself crazy- Mom didn't change a whit!!
Keep seeking help and answers and perspective for yourself--AlAnon helped me alot and it's free!
peace-
b.
My dad was an alcoholic for the first 15 years of my life. Although he did find sobriety and recovery it wasn't the magic wand that I had been fantasizing about all my childhood! In fact, it ultimately showed me just how much work I had in front of me!
Focus on your goals and your plans. You're becoming an adult - try to detach and step back and see your Dad as just another adult who has made these choices and- well - he has a right to live how he chooses. Just like you do.
Easy does it. Have you tried some counseling (can you access counseling through Campus Health Services?). Therapy and AlAnon helped me so much. I was banging my head against a wall thinking the change and help would come from my relationship with my parents- the reality was once I changed and helped myself my relationships with EVERYONE changed - for the better.
I really really really wanted my parents to be different than they were!
A friend said to me once - after hearing my familiar story of strife and disappointment in my relationship w/ my mother - "When are you going to accept that she will never be the mother you think you should have? What's it going to take?"
It made me see that I was hoping to bend a spoon into a water fountain!!! Magically thinking it was possible: if she could just SEE what I see, if she would just listen, why doesn't SHE get it??!! Oy- made myself crazy- Mom didn't change a whit!!
Keep seeking help and answers and perspective for yourself--AlAnon helped me alot and it's free!
peace-
b.
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