JenT1968

I sure wish the finance companies would just get over it and forget my past behaviour, would be a lot more comfortable for me. don't get me wrong, I have never walked a way from a debt, but I've overspent, been late with payments, defaulted and got behind and had to enter into agreements to decrease payments whilst I took a second job and got back on track.

but "i'm different now". Still, they seem to have some sort of research that insists the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and therefore in order to get a decent interest rate on a mortgage I have to put in 6 YEARS of exemplary behaviour, before the old type of behaviour is deemed to actually have been left behind.....

but I have no-one else to blame but myself. Something to think about.


second, I don't know about you, but I have had a habit of forgetting way too easily, part of what got me where I am now. I have a tendency to feel that if its good now (even for an hour), that it would always be great and to somehow "forget" that it was awful before.

Remembering what it was really like, and seeing new behaviour (both mine and other people's) in the context of old behaviour allows me to see the real whole picture, lets me acknowledge improvement and is a step forward for me.

silkspin

Hi Passing by, my situation is very similar. AH has been sober for almost a month, is going to treatment but it's not a daily thing. Although he's not a raging alcoholic and family life is somewhat 'normal' i.e. he works, has sports interests, we spend time with family. He is not violent or aggressive. He is a weekend binge alcoholic; kind of like I've continued to live with a university student (which is where we met). But his alcoholism has slowly chipped away at me, with every weekend that he's drunk, then hungover etc. Our love, our intimacy has slowly disappeared. I've been going to al anon for 6 months, and just as we moved cities to be closer to my family (and we moved in with my parents temporarily), I told him I'd had enough and he is now sleeping in the basement bedroom. The separation has been good for me; and though he has made some effort and says he wants to save the marriage and agrees that he has had responsibility to bring us where we are, he is now at the point where he's feeling uncomfortable with me letting go and forcing him to grow up. I really have no romantic feelings for him right now and have honestly told him so.

Can I get them back? I don't know. There has been a lot of hurting, and I feel he is very immature in a lot of ways and don't know if that will ever change. Right now I'm trying not to think too far into the future. We continue to talk about it, and basically I'm just plugging along, focusing on myself, going to meetings, caring for our daughter. I'm open to seeing what will happen, WITH GREAT CAUTION. When I asked him bluntly if he wanted to stay married to me (cuz I told him I didn't know if I wanted to stay with him, sober or not) and he said he wanted the me, the us of many years ago. I told him that it was impossible, we are no longer those people. We are the 2 people in the room right now. If anything, we are starting from square one, and I guess it is possible to work on creating something new. As al anon supports, taking it one day at a time, and not forcing anything.

You are not uncaring, you are just starting to be MORE caring towards yourself - something that we, at some point, started to put second to them and to our relationships. I have been codependent and because he's quite passive it's been pretty easy to 'try' to control him (so therefore I've controlled lots of things in his life except for the drinking!!) so now he must stand on his own two feet and it's tough for him to swallow. But if he can work on it and redefine himself in recovery, I may find that I could love that new person and work on putting the past behind us. Time will tell. Good luck.

amymp

new here. This really hit home so I decided to delurk. We fit before he started drinking so much. I think I have changed so much that we might never fit again.

silkspin

Hi amymp, welcome!

It IS scary, isn't it? We fit before too but drinking has always been a part of it since we met in school and 'partied' for many years together and our friends. But as life moved on and drinking curbed for most, his didn't and that's when the 'fit' started to 'unfit'. I don't think I can even pinpoint when the problem started, as I do believe that he could control it at some point (but he was on the path and somewhere he crossed the line).

He has tried some treatments before this time and they haven't worked. This is the first time I actually followed through on a split, and he has been more serious, although I'm not sure if it will stick. But as I get better I worry about the gap that is widening, and has been, for many years between us. And strip away the alcohol, there are many more problems underneath. If he is serious about recovery this time, and I SEE IT, then I may be open to marriage counseling, to see if I can ever rebuild something with him. But I am very scared that I'm on the path to admitting there is nothing more and facing what will come next.

drained22

has he apologize? does he know what he did?

you can't just expect him to get better while you're still hurting... it doesn't work that way.. remember, it wasn't the alcohol perse.. but what happened.

passing by

I can honestly say that the part of me that had all the love in the world for my AH has died. I have been working on getting myself recovered and also trying to have feelings for him. I went to counseling today and we talked about it the whole session. I have to say I have been out of love for many years and think now it is time for me to remove myself from this situation. I am not sure if I can ever love again like I loved him. He has really done some damage to me.

silkspin

Passing by, I wish you the best of luck. It must feel pretty peaceful to have a bit more clarity. I'm praying to my HP every night to give me this clarity as well.