amnesia57

I have to say that I am SO grateful to have found this message board. Yesterday I posted a rant about the situation with my heroin-addicted son, who is in prison and intends to move back in with us when he is paroled. I really didn't expect much of a response; I just wanted to get things off my chest, as they say.

I am OVERWHELMED with the supportive reponses I got. Reading all of the direct and thoughtful comments gave me the strength and focus to sit down with my wife last night and tell her: HE IS ABSOLUTELY NOT MOVING BACK IN.

To my amazement she took it well (she is the codependent in the family). She obviously didn't agree 100 percent but nodded agreement with most of my points and didn't try to argue or defend him as she usually does. She seemed relieved that I am being more assertive. I felt much better after this discussion.

This isn't over or even close to over. I have to write to my son and tell him firmly that he can't move back in. He will be hurt and angry and deluge my wife with (collect) phone calls to try to turn her against me. And that will be tough because he is a genius at pushing her buttons. And he'll keep it up indefinitely; he has nothing else to do in prison.

He'll be mad at me for a long time. But that's okay.

I just hope I don't weaken. Now I need to find a support group to attend ...

mooselips

amnesia57,
Well sure he's going to be mad.
Because you're taking away the EASY way for him.
NOW he's going to have to THINK.

Believe it or not he has options.
A sober house,
a halfway house,
Rehab,

His probation officer, the point person, who talks to him regarding his release can give him options.

You are doing him a favor, letting him stand on his own two feet.


Hugs,

Spiritual Seeker

I learned that as the parent when the A calls we don't have to agree to anything.
Until it becomes natural you can print a piece of paper and put it by the phone.
"I love you, I believe in you and I know that you'll do the right thing" This is after you say NO to any requests that are not approp for you. I learned this in my Parent's al-anon mtg. (there are 8 in my county-maybe you'll want to see if they have parent emphasis mtgs. in your cty mtgs. are listed online if you google .)
(and you don't have to take the collect calls)
When we learn the skills we need it helps us in the relationship with the addict whether they change or not. It has also helped me in all of my other relationships ie friends, coworkers, spouse, etc.
I am glad that you feel confident in your decisions.
I have been in al-anon almost 5 yrs. Now that my 23 yr old A-son is back at home after being gone for those 5 yrs.- I really need to rethink the fine line / slippery slope facing me with enabling. I realize my son has some Hardwire issues with anxiety & depression of which addiction is just one of the symptoms However, if he is not able or willing to addrss this I can mommy manage his life and put myself at risk financially + emotionally. I have some choices to make too.

amnesia57

This is SO true.

One my my AS's favorite tactics is to try to get us to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Just being able to say, "I will not make that decision now" was a big step for me.

One thing I keep telling myself: I love my son unconditionally. But unconditional love doesn't equal unconditional money, unconditional housing, unconditional legal assistance, etc.

Thank you!

cece1960

Amnesia,
What you and your wife are doing may be the most loving (and difficult) thing you have ever done for your son.
Have you ever noticed how the right stuff often ends up the hard stuff to do?

Your post made me think of back when my ex and I were in the thick of things in dealing with my 19 y/o heroin addicted son. Before I found strength here, I was just like your wife.
Meanwhile, my ex talked a big game, but as it turned out when the hard stuff had to be done, he wobbled too. He was more comfortable I think when I was cleaning up his messes even though he knew neither of us should have to.
And to be honest, there were many times I was relieved when he wobbled.

It's an odd dance we do, but I'm glad you've stepped up to end the cycle. I wouldn't be shocked if your wife isn't relieved in a way, and may be willing to give up the struggle.

Glad you've joined us
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Jwife22

Yah Amnesia! WTG!!!

katie44

Sure hes angry he didnt get his own way. That's okay! You need to take care of yourselves. Everday this week I get a nasty phone call from my son. When I tell him to figure it out he hangs up. It is out of desperation, and manipulation he is doing this. I am learning we will always love them we just dont have to love them in our home. Learning not to be co-dependent is one of the most difficult things in the world I was a pro at it.

just for today

My son is also in jail.....hasn't gone to trial yet......but I have refused to post his bond....lord, it was hard, but I knew it was the right thing to do....I had to quit taking his calls in order to stay strong in my convictions, that this may be his last chance to find his way....and that will never happen if he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions and lifestyle.......I am sure he is very mad and upset, but not any more mad and upset than I am over his choices to become and stay an addict......

I hope this helps, if for no other reason than to let you and the Mrs. know that you are not alone and are doing what is best for all of you.........

amnesia57

You absolutely, totally did the right thing. When my son got arrested last year and called in the middle of the night begging for help, I bailed him out and hired him an attorney. I thought I was being a loving father and doing the right thing! How wrong I was. If I had just left him there, a lot of misery could have been avoided. Good for you for standing firm.

hope213

yes you do!!! go to a meeting & try to take your wife. it will be alot easier if you two can work together. you can also limit the phone calls or not take them if u can get your weife not to. it is hard, i see the i.d. & just don't answer. also suggest a half way house to your son.there are great & it teaches them how to live on the outside again. i always wanted my son to go to one but he always finds someone to let him live with them. he been in & out of prison for 13 yrs. now. he does not know how to live on the outside. prayers for u both & your son.

Wascally Wabbit

When we KNOW ahead of time what to expect, it doesn't shock us. We can then practice what we will say.

The addict will abuse us as long as we let them. When we stop "taking it", and make them suffer the consequences of their own actions, after a while, they might just begin to appreciate us.

I hope things don't get too bad for you. Just be prepared for the onslaught of accusations, blame, guilt trips and ugly speech that is liable to come because he is not getting his way. This is what addicts do. It is their nature to manipulate and when it doesn't work, they get angry.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

Elana

FWIW when they get mad at you it is usually because they are hearing the word NO (No is a complete sentence).

Fact is, if they are mad at you, it is probably because you are doing the right thing for YOU.

Put a block on your phone to not accept any collect calls....
And keep coming abck and let us know how you are all doing!

Impurrfect

Way to go!!!

I'm a recovering addict and the only reason I'm recovering is because I was told "no". And by the way, when I was in jail, my dad told me I could only call collect once a week - if I called more than that, he would put a block on the phone and I KNEW he would. When one of my stepsisters was recently in jail, we had to stop answering the phone every time she called 'cause it was so expensive.

It's just a thought, but there's no reason you have to listen to him now - YOU have the power to accept or deny his phone calls. I did just fine with mail...yeah it took longer, but when it was the only way I had to contact them (other than the weekly phone call) I adjusted just fine.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy