tryvia

My agf just sent me a text message to let me know that one of her work buddies just got fired, so she's going to "hang out w-them for a while" when she gets off in an hour. Every time she's hung out with someone from this job before, it's consisted of lots of cheap beer and pot. After the last time, we had a series of dramatic conversations and I laid it on the line how I feel about her drinking, and she agreed to stop. And I think she actually won't drink tonight, but there's always that chance.

The point.

She's going to call before she goes off into the night. And the conversation on her part may consist of attempts to get me to give her permission to do whatever the heck she wants. I know what I *don't* want to say- but what can I actually say that won't either accidentally come across as "sure, go nuts and get plastered on a weeknight" or a codie passive-aggressive control attempt? She's either going to make this mistake or not. I just don't know how to handle my detachment on the phone.

best

Before you say anything, you need figure out what "You" want and are willing to hold your ground on. If she drinks and smokes...will you say AND follow through with ...it is over?
If that is what you want and where you place your boundary...you need to hold true to your word. If not ready to go that far into things...don't say it if you won't do it.

What could be said... Well you know what happened last time... this is my wish but I understand you will do as you want.
It needs be her choice. Attempting to force her to do what you want will possibly have her feel you are controling and that will lead to other problems.
Share your wishes or set your boundaries but know that the choices must be her's no matter what.

denny57

"Have a nice time." or "Have fun."

Have you set boundaries for yourself if she drinks?

tryvia

Thank you, that's the kind of thing I was looking for.

I realise that I have no control over what she will or won't do, and honestly, I don't even want to try to control her anymore. I want her to stop abusing alcohol because she's realised it's the best thing she could do for herself, but I know I can't make her realise that. She's the only one that can do that.

As for what *I'm* ready to do... I really don't know yet. Logically, it's pretty cut and dried. Emotionally... I'm not ready to sever this relationship, especially over the phone from five states away. Not yet. We'll see how I feel in the morning. In the meantime, no ultimatums.

Cynay

Sucks .... Im also the Queen of setting boundries and not sticking too them...

Trust me, if you have a doubt or dont think you can dont set a boundry. Honestly I have to agree with best ... but I dont always follow good advise. You cant live in fear of what she will and wont do though, you have to figure out what you can and can live with and find peace in that.

Rella927

Queen #2 over here!

I know that what Cynay says is true about "living in fear" of what they will do and or not do! I had to figure out what I needed for ME! It took awhile for me to realize that what matters is how I feel! If I consumed myself with the "what if" it only took away from my living my life and consumed me with his (which was like talking to a BRICK WALL and banging my head against it!!)....I do not want to do that anymore!

When I did not stick to my boundry or rather when I find that I do not stick to my boundry it always comes back to kick me! And harder and harder each time-(hmmmm maybe a lesson?!)

It takes time tryvia but when you are ready you will see that worrying about what they will or will not do is only going to create drama that is not worth wasting energy on.

It is her choice not yours.......

Handle it by not answering the phone or responding to the text messages

Simple!

I agree with the statement to say that Best said! It gives it back to them and keeps it out of your hands.....

Be gentle with yourself-and take care of YOU!

parentrecovers

maybe just don't take the calls? hugs, k

atalose

If you know she is going to attempt to gain your permission (no doubt to use against you later) then I would not take the call.

There is not much to say for that situation because it's always going to be a catch 22.

Wondering how you made out? Did she attempt to call prior to going out last night? What happened?

CE Girl

I totally can relate to this,,,

I've since learned, taking it "gradually and naturally" worked best for me. It didn't help to "enable" my obsessive compulsive self to worry about how I should/would handle a situation when it came up.

I simply reacted naturally. And gradually came to realize my boundary's,,,

Let yourself take the time,,,

Peace

tryvia

There was a possibility that she might, and that's what had me freaked out. INSTEAD! we got caught up on each other's day, she explained that she was going to go over to give her friend a sympathetic ear, and announced that she wasn't going to drink/was going to NOT drink. To which I said, "I appreciate that."

Which, I think, is about as well as it possibly could have gone. Thank you guys for your support!

CE Girl,
I like the "gradual and natural" idea. That's my biggest issue right now: teaching myself not to obsess and worry every time there's a possiblity. It's so hard to not want to know!

an'ka

Hi, Tryvia, just my two cents for a similar situation when it comes up in the future. She will again symbolically ask you for "permission" to hang out with friends or whatever. You and I know that she will do what she pleases regardless of your answer. IMHO, the best approach is to either ignore the phone call or wish her a nice time. If you say "well, you know what happened in the past....."--that's a passive attempt at control. She knows fully well what happened that last time or the time before that, etc--there have been plenty of discussions about those times and she is not a child, she understands.

So, my point is, saying that might temporarily make you feel better, like you've gained control of the situation and know what to expect from her, but that feeling is just that, a feeling. Like I said before, she will go out and do what she wants. I think it's better to treat her as an adult woman that she is, and not get caught on that hook. Wish her a good time. Leave it at that.

CE Girl

Ya, I know that. It helped me "prepare" my next step of codependancy,,,lol

We're "fixers" us codies. Even better when we can prevent whats "broken" to NEED to be fixed. Why is it so hard for us to grasp the concept we can not force the world to see through our rose color glasses?!?!?


Oh, and when it works out for us, we rest on the laurels. Hey, it worked out, crisis averted, NEXT!!

Heres an idea?

How bout using the time in between crises to PREPARE taking care of YOU? Have you thought about al anon? Keeping a journal? Running, or perhaps jumping outta a plane?

We're glad your here tryvia,,,I'm just the resident smartarse

Peace

tryvia

Wow. That's so on the nose. You're right, and that's what I'll do if this situation comes up again. At this point she knows exactly what the situation is and where I stand. I'm just really relieved that she brought it up, so i couldn't accidentally nag.


No worries, all my favourite people are smartarses

I already do a lot of that. I've kept a journal since 2000, been going to the gym every other day since mid-May, the "jumping out of a plane" thing... yeah, not gonna happen. :lol Heights bad. Don't have a lot of fears, but that's one. But otherwise, it's probably because I've been taking care of myself that much that I've finally gotten to the point of even BEGINNING to address this.

It's weird, because I only have codependent tendencies with romantic relationships. Anyone else, my boundaries are large, well-declared, and brutally enforced. I'm actually anti-dependent, if such a thing exists. But I keep falling very hard for girls with clinical depression and abusive mothers, and bending over inside out to try to make them happy. I don't quite know how to do anything in between.

ladyjane

I can be kinda wishy-washy in the boundary dept. myself. hoping to get better at it and stronger.
_________
Trish

CE Girl

DITTO!!! I'll kick your arse at a game of darts,,,he,he,he

I'm an "executive" in a corporate world, who is "different". Ruthless, and determined to acheive the business goals, I maintain my "individuality" in my simple native hippie chick core. I've learned to insist it be accepted, as that is WHO I AM. I have three daughters who I have taught to be reliant and self sufficient, no offense, in a "man's world" and THEY are not codependant!! We girls kick arse in the "real" world.

And I have only had 2 codependant relationships.

In my recovery, it has become clear to me, it was the relationships AFTER the only one that wasn't codependant ended in the death of my husband!!!

Hmmmmmmmm,,,HUGE!! Ya think?!?!?!

I am still very NEW at this realization. Sorting through it, and frankly, tempted to erase it and say something nice like, "take care of you",,,lol. The reason I share, is if it makes just ONE other person, peer into their core and find a REASON they accept these relationships, then I will feel I have given a small portion back.

Peace

tryvia

Definitely no offense taken at the "man's world thing, as I am also a butt-kicking girl. Guess I should have mentioned that sooner... d'oh!

Uhh, YEAH huge revelation. Thanks for sharing your root! I would love to know what mine is. Definitely going to set aside a few journal pages to deliberate on that.

P.S. I will take any excuse to play darts. I'm told I have "natural form".