gave him his choice and he chose booze
'caution' broken heart ahead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
gave him his choice and he chose booze
Hello everyone, I am new here and wish I found this much earlier than this. I have been reading numerous posts on here and believe me I sure know how you feel and what your going through.
My AH and I are recently divorced now. I wished I attended al-anon. I might have saved my marriage to the one I still love so much. It hurts so bad to know that his booze was more important than me. I read the "play" and I seen my self in there. I wished I knew I was an enabler from the beginning. I never knew what an enabler was. I think when we first met he saw me as the passive sweetheart that he could use to enable him. It worked for a short while but it didn't last long ( 2 yrs. ) and after we got married he really played his part well as in the "play" He got so bad with his verbal abuse and too much to mention here, and I can see now how he became the anti - social monster. I see now how all this evolved. It got too much for me to handle and I got out. I didn't want to wait and see how much worse it could get.
I feel so used and abused and am totally shocked that his " I love you so much" " I don't want to lose you" and " I would die if I lost you" came to all this ugliness. Right up until the day of our divorce he still tells me he loves me. I find that so hard to believe and only believe he was saying that in hopes to keep his enabler.
I see he has a few enablers, his mom is his best one. She bails him out everytime no matter what it is. With her like this, I had no chance to win. I just wish she realized what she is doing to him. She is helping him to his death. She is ignorant. His sisters too also enable him. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.
I am rambling here but I guess what I want to know is since he still claims his love for me and has lost me ( I cut off all contact with him) what are the chances that he will wake up since he has already established the anti-social behaviors?
I feel he is so far gone and is in such denial.
Thanks for listening,
suemarie
My AH and I are recently divorced now. I wished I attended al-anon. I might have saved my marriage to the one I still love so much. It hurts so bad to know that his booze was more important than me. I read the "play" and I seen my self in there. I wished I knew I was an enabler from the beginning. I never knew what an enabler was. I think when we first met he saw me as the passive sweetheart that he could use to enable him. It worked for a short while but it didn't last long ( 2 yrs. ) and after we got married he really played his part well as in the "play" He got so bad with his verbal abuse and too much to mention here, and I can see now how he became the anti - social monster. I see now how all this evolved. It got too much for me to handle and I got out. I didn't want to wait and see how much worse it could get.
I feel so used and abused and am totally shocked that his " I love you so much" " I don't want to lose you" and " I would die if I lost you" came to all this ugliness. Right up until the day of our divorce he still tells me he loves me. I find that so hard to believe and only believe he was saying that in hopes to keep his enabler.
I see he has a few enablers, his mom is his best one. She bails him out everytime no matter what it is. With her like this, I had no chance to win. I just wish she realized what she is doing to him. She is helping him to his death. She is ignorant. His sisters too also enable him. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.
I am rambling here but I guess what I want to know is since he still claims his love for me and has lost me ( I cut off all contact with him) what are the chances that he will wake up since he has already established the anti-social behaviors?
I feel he is so far gone and is in such denial.
Thanks for listening,
suemarie
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome Suemarie,
Glad you are here. I too felt abused and used when I left. My ex's mother has almost helped him to death many times. I suppose I did it too.
I couldnt really say, but hope you find lots of support here 
Glad you are here. I too felt abused and used when I left. My ex's mother has almost helped him to death many times. I suppose I did it too.
what are the chances that he will wake up since he has already established the anti-social behaviors?
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by suemarie 
what are the chances that he will wake up since he has already established the anti-social behaviors?
I feel he is so far gone and is in such denial.
Thanks for listening,
suemarie
I feel he is so far gone and is in such denial.
Thanks for listening,
suemarie
Actually, it's up to him when. Thing is, you never know if that will be next week or next decade. Of course he's in denial. He will stay in denial forever until the day he lifts his head and realizes his life has become unmanagable.
That's why there's alanon, even after a divorce. The affects of an alcoholic marriage stay with us for life, so we need coping skills.
You are doing exactly what you need to to at this time in your life.
Get on over to a meeting. You wont be sorry, and you will make unbelievably wonderful friends.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Hi Suemarie and welcome to SR.
I too found this place 'after' the relationship was over. I had no idea what enabling was prior to here, and Alanon, and I sure was guilty of it! I just thought I was loving him.
No one can predict if and when he will 'wake up', but at least one enabler is removed from his life, you (no insult intended).
Please keep coming back. This place is a wealth of information, and understanding.
I too found this place 'after' the relationship was over. I had no idea what enabling was prior to here, and Alanon, and I sure was guilty of it! I just thought I was loving him.
No one can predict if and when he will 'wake up', but at least one enabler is removed from his life, you (no insult intended).
Please keep coming back. This place is a wealth of information, and understanding.
'caution' broken heart ahead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
another question
Thank you for your replies, its comforting to know you have experinced the same.
I guess I am hoping that he will recover. I would give him another chance provided he had some AA for some time.
I have another question though. Before I read "the play" I always wondered if the anti-social personality came before the drink or after. Now after reading it, it sounds like it happens after the drink. Some will argue that the alcoholic had some kind of disorder like depression ( of which he has and is taking prozac)is a huge underlying factor in most alcoholics. So does the nasty anti-social behavior go away once the alcoholic quits drinking for some time?
Thanks again you all so helpful
suemarie
I guess I am hoping that he will recover. I would give him another chance provided he had some AA for some time.
I have another question though. Before I read "the play" I always wondered if the anti-social personality came before the drink or after. Now after reading it, it sounds like it happens after the drink. Some will argue that the alcoholic had some kind of disorder like depression ( of which he has and is taking prozac)is a huge underlying factor in most alcoholics. So does the nasty anti-social behavior go away once the alcoholic quits drinking for some time?
Thanks again you all so helpful
suemarie
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Originally Posted by suemarie
So does the nasty anti-social behavior go away once the alcoholic quits drinking for some time?
Nice to meet you, Sue Marie!
'caution' broken heart ahead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Astro, thank you and nice to meet you too!! what stage of alcoholism do you think he is at when he:
Has drank every day or every other day 6-12 beers or (more on weekends) for the past 12 -15 yrs.
He has a " beer gut"
Hates to discuss his drinking problems and won't even consider counseling or AA even though he has been to AA but never continued the "program"
Has developed the Anti-social personality
Claims he is a "social drinker" he is a bar drinker ( practically lives in the bars) but also drinks and drives alone for hours at a time.
Is extremely selfish and self centered, only thinks about himself
makes excuses to drink and lies about his drinking
chooses his drink over any one else in his life
doesn't drink in the a.m. but about noon plans to go out and drink, if not he gets moody and gets the "shakes".
He goes above and beyond at his work to impress his superiors and is super nice to them and treats them like a buddy. ( probably like in the "play" they are his victim? )
says he can control his drinking and chooses not to drink for a couple days to prove he is not an alcoholic but gets sick, weak, shakey and profuse sweating.
has high blood pressure, stomach problems and takes prescription anti-acids alot, prozac and allergies\meds.
Gets angry easily, verbal abuse.
these are just some of the symptoms I can describe right now off the top of my head. What do you suggest?
Thanks again for your help
Suemarie
Has drank every day or every other day 6-12 beers or (more on weekends) for the past 12 -15 yrs.
He has a " beer gut"
Hates to discuss his drinking problems and won't even consider counseling or AA even though he has been to AA but never continued the "program"
Has developed the Anti-social personality
Claims he is a "social drinker" he is a bar drinker ( practically lives in the bars) but also drinks and drives alone for hours at a time.
Is extremely selfish and self centered, only thinks about himself
makes excuses to drink and lies about his drinking
chooses his drink over any one else in his life
doesn't drink in the a.m. but about noon plans to go out and drink, if not he gets moody and gets the "shakes".
He goes above and beyond at his work to impress his superiors and is super nice to them and treats them like a buddy. ( probably like in the "play" they are his victim? )
says he can control his drinking and chooses not to drink for a couple days to prove he is not an alcoholic but gets sick, weak, shakey and profuse sweating.
has high blood pressure, stomach problems and takes prescription anti-acids alot, prozac and allergies\meds.
Gets angry easily, verbal abuse.
these are just some of the symptoms I can describe right now off the top of my head. What do you suggest?
Thanks again for your help
Suemarie
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
What you are describing sounds mid stage to me, at the least...based on what I know.
Well, I cant suggest anything one way or another for him, but if I was in your shoes (again) I would suggest counseling with a therapist and maybe try al-anon..ultimately, I had to get the focus off him and his drinking anb back on me and my life..bc the focusing on him made me nuts..seriously nuts.
It was hard to focus on myself bc I wanted to help him. I loved him. But, there wasnt anything I could do..he had do do it himself.
I asked myself at one point..what kind of life do you want? Why do I feel like this is all Im worth?
What do you suggest?
It was hard to focus on myself bc I wanted to help him. I loved him. But, there wasnt anything I could do..he had do do it himself.
I asked myself at one point..what kind of life do you want? Why do I feel like this is all Im worth?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Originally Posted by suemarie
what stage of alcoholism do you think he is at when he:
'caution' broken heart ahead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Wow! thats alot of great information Astro. I thank you for that. Now I get an inner view of whats going on inside him.
He already has increased his tolerence. I have seen him drink 3 large pitchers of beer in no time flat and even though he is in his euporhia high stage he still can walk a straight line like he didn't drink at all!! It amazes me! But his body mass is large, with alot of muscle. He always makes sure he eats healthy and he eats like a horse ( after drinking of course ) and the next day.
I think he thinks that as long as he eats fresh vegtables and such that he will remain healthy against the alcohol damage.
After drinking like I mentioned above he can still pass a sobriety field test no problem. I can always tell when he drinks because his cheeks get rosy. What does the rosey cheeks come from anyway?
thanks again,
suemarie
He already has increased his tolerence. I have seen him drink 3 large pitchers of beer in no time flat and even though he is in his euporhia high stage he still can walk a straight line like he didn't drink at all!! It amazes me! But his body mass is large, with alot of muscle. He always makes sure he eats healthy and he eats like a horse ( after drinking of course ) and the next day.
I think he thinks that as long as he eats fresh vegtables and such that he will remain healthy against the alcohol damage.
After drinking like I mentioned above he can still pass a sobriety field test no problem. I can always tell when he drinks because his cheeks get rosy. What does the rosey cheeks come from anyway?
thanks again,
suemarie
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can relate to this. My ex was a bright, educated man who got addicted to pills then everything else.
I tried to talk to his, believe it or not, psycologist sister about it, and she brushed me off!
When I tried with his mom, she couldn't wouldn't believe it.
So, she pays his house payment and makes sure he has everthing he needs. She has lots of money and can afford to take care of him. He does not work. He plays the disabled game with his mother although he has never been declared disabled!
He and I divorced and he kept telling me how much he loved me.
I stood back and watched him destroy his life. He has made a huge mess of my finances.
I quit all contact with him 2 months ago. There is no point. He will not get well until he recognizes he has a problem. In the mean time, I don't have that problem and I am tired of waiting for something that might never happen.
I found alanon after I left!! Yep, and I am glad too. It's better late than never.
We will never get back together because of all the damage drugging did to the marriage. But, I am ever thankful for alanon because it has helped me so very much. You see, even tho I am divorced, I still have to live. So, I might as well go to alanon and gain the coping skills that enable me to live a fuller life.
Keep going to alanon. There you make friends for life and a support system like no other.
We don't know the future. Your husband might wake up some day. But if he doesn't, you still need alanon.
Take care sweetie. I hope you're feeling better soon.
I tried to talk to his, believe it or not, psycologist sister about it, and she brushed me off!
When I tried with his mom, she couldn't wouldn't believe it.
So, she pays his house payment and makes sure he has everthing he needs. She has lots of money and can afford to take care of him. He does not work. He plays the disabled game with his mother although he has never been declared disabled!
He and I divorced and he kept telling me how much he loved me.
I stood back and watched him destroy his life. He has made a huge mess of my finances.
I quit all contact with him 2 months ago. There is no point. He will not get well until he recognizes he has a problem. In the mean time, I don't have that problem and I am tired of waiting for something that might never happen.
I found alanon after I left!! Yep, and I am glad too. It's better late than never.
We will never get back together because of all the damage drugging did to the marriage. But, I am ever thankful for alanon because it has helped me so very much. You see, even tho I am divorced, I still have to live. So, I might as well go to alanon and gain the coping skills that enable me to live a fuller life.
Keep going to alanon. There you make friends for life and a support system like no other.
We don't know the future. Your husband might wake up some day. But if he doesn't, you still need alanon.
Take care sweetie. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Originally Posted by suemarie
Has drank every day or every other day 6-12 beers or (more on weekends) for the past 12 -15 yrs.
....
Hates to discuss his drinking problems and won't even consider counseling or AA ...
Has developed the Anti-social personality
Claims he is a "social drinker" ... but also drinks...alone for hours at a time.
...
makes excuses to drink and lies about his drinking
chooses his drink over any one else in his life
doesn't drink in the a.m. but about noon plans to go out and drink, if not he gets moody and gets the "shakes".
He goes above and beyond at his work to impress his superiors and is super nice to them and treats them like a buddy. ( probably like in the "play" they are his victim? )
says he can control his drinking and chooses not to drink for a couple days to prove he is not an alcoholic but gets sick, weak, shakey and profuse sweating.
has high blood pressure, stomach problems and takes prescription anti-acids alot, prozac and allergies\meds.
Gets angry easily, verbal abuse.
....
Hates to discuss his drinking problems and won't even consider counseling or AA ...
Has developed the Anti-social personality
Claims he is a "social drinker" ... but also drinks...alone for hours at a time.
...
makes excuses to drink and lies about his drinking
chooses his drink over any one else in his life
doesn't drink in the a.m. but about noon plans to go out and drink, if not he gets moody and gets the "shakes".
He goes above and beyond at his work to impress his superiors and is super nice to them and treats them like a buddy. ( probably like in the "play" they are his victim? )
says he can control his drinking and chooses not to drink for a couple days to prove he is not an alcoholic but gets sick, weak, shakey and profuse sweating.
has high blood pressure, stomach problems and takes prescription anti-acids alot, prozac and allergies\meds.
Gets angry easily, verbal abuse.
ARL
'caution' broken heart ahead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
wascally wabbit
Wascally, Unbelievable!! Wow now thats an alcholic for sure. You know thats just like my ex's mom. She's always there to pick up the pieces of his shambled life. I mean geez, can't these moms see what they are doing to thier little boys? yep they still treat them like little boys. No wonder they don't grow up and be responsible.
I am a child of both parents being alcholics and I had to take responsiblity for the whole family. I had to cook dinners, do dishes, laundry etc... I was the only girl with 3 brothers and let me tell you, I had to grow up fast to take care of everyone!
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I helps to know I am not the only one. You know, I think I will go back to alanon because I have heard so much support and it benefits other areas of your life. Plus it will open my eyes to future alcohol abusers.
Suemarie
I am a child of both parents being alcholics and I had to take responsiblity for the whole family. I had to cook dinners, do dishes, laundry etc... I was the only girl with 3 brothers and let me tell you, I had to grow up fast to take care of everyone!
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I helps to know I am not the only one. You know, I think I will go back to alanon because I have heard so much support and it benefits other areas of your life. Plus it will open my eyes to future alcohol abusers.
Suemarie
'caution' broken heart ahead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
a real lady
Thanks for your help RealLady. I don't understand what the XABF is? Sorry for my ignorance. But I do understand the reason you took out those lines.
God, Since the divorce has been final last week I feel myself sliding more and more into a deep funk. I have to force myself to get out to do errands or to do dishes or anything. I just don't feel like doing anything but find out answers to why this happened. I keep hoping that one day soon He will show up on my doorstep and tell me he was wrong and that he will fix everything and mean it this time and I would wait to see the results. But instead I know I am dreaming. He hates me for going through with the divorce, thinking I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Plus, I changed my phone # so I won't have any further contact with him.
I feel so betrayed. I feel like I am ignorant of not seeing the signs earlier or refused to see them. I feel like the most wonderful love I have ever felt turned out to be a complete lie, it just hurts so bad. Like he took a knife and stabbed my heart a hundred times.
As I told Wascally, I am going to alanon. I did attend one meeting a few months ago but didn't get anything out of it but everyone elses stories, I couldn't tell mine. I want answers and felt I couldn't get them there. So how does alanon help you anyway? get books to read and what else?
Thanks again
Suemarie
God, Since the divorce has been final last week I feel myself sliding more and more into a deep funk. I have to force myself to get out to do errands or to do dishes or anything. I just don't feel like doing anything but find out answers to why this happened. I keep hoping that one day soon He will show up on my doorstep and tell me he was wrong and that he will fix everything and mean it this time and I would wait to see the results. But instead I know I am dreaming. He hates me for going through with the divorce, thinking I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Plus, I changed my phone # so I won't have any further contact with him.
I feel so betrayed. I feel like I am ignorant of not seeing the signs earlier or refused to see them. I feel like the most wonderful love I have ever felt turned out to be a complete lie, it just hurts so bad. Like he took a knife and stabbed my heart a hundred times.
As I told Wascally, I am going to alanon. I did attend one meeting a few months ago but didn't get anything out of it but everyone elses stories, I couldn't tell mine. I want answers and felt I couldn't get them there. So how does alanon help you anyway? get books to read and what else?
Thanks again
Suemarie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by suemarie
I am a child of both parents being alcholics and I had to take responsiblity for the whole family. I had to cook dinners, do dishes, laundry etc... I was the only girl with 3 brothers and let me tell you, I had to grow up fast to take care of everyone!
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
"After drinking like I mentioned above he can still pass a sobriety field test no problem. I can always tell when he drinks because his cheeks get rosy. What does the rosey cheeks come from anyway?"
alcohol make the small blood vessels in the face open up
alcohol make the small blood vessels in the face open up
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
This is, unfortunately, quite a common outcome. We (the children of alcoholics) grow up and marry one because that's what's familiar to us. You may just find the answers you are looking for by examining your own past. That's how it worked for me.
L
L
This seems to be how things are working for me. After only a few visits to Alanon and learning to focus on myself I find all kinds of old "stuff" bubbling to the surface in a strong way. I thought I'd already dealt with most of it but maybe it just got buried. Or perhaps these old issues just need to be revisited from time to time with new levels of awareness.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I feel like I am ignorant of not seeing the signs earlier or refused to see them.
It's part of the "codie" disease. DENIAL, which makes you think you did not see. Truth be known, I recognized "red flags". My denial was in what those red flags were. There's something "strange" about this dude, but I'm so happy and in love, I choose to ignore it. And when I can't anymore, I will be the good little co dependant and "help" him see the light,,,,
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,,,,lol
Take a sledgehammer to my brain,,,,before I FINALLY got:
I can not control it
I did not cause it
I can not cure it,,,
What I can and WILL do is take care of ME!!!!
Welcome to SR Suemarie,,,
Peace
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Suemarie! Glad that you found us! There is alot of support here from all different walks of people in recovery and I hope that you find what you are searching for!
IMHO and from what I went through with my XABF the behavior as Astro mentioned about himself....mine also stayed the same with his behavior! Of course he kept up the illusions (I believe he still does, but not my problem anymore) of because he had not drank in 2,3,4 months that he was "better and in control" but the violent anger that would come out of his mouth when he still was not getting his way-he would call me 100 times, leave voice messages etc....
When they want to recovery they will-if the do not then pretty much nothing changes from what I have gone through with my XABF.
Focus on you and take a visit to Al-Anon or find someone one on one to talk too! It helps and for sure keep coming here and posting and reading the stickies!
And this is so true what LaTeeDa stated
I had ONE A-parent, and 3 A sibilings! I was fortunate that I married the love of my life who was not an A but rather was dealing with an A parent and sibling of his own! My husband passed away-and I resorted back to what I knew and what I thought I deserved-Ha Ha guess again I deserve a whole lot better and ya know what.....................SO DO YOU! 
hang in there Suemarie
and by the way your not ignorant for not seeing the signs earlier! It is what it is and be grateful that you see them now and do something for YOU!
Originally Posted by suemarie
So does the nasty anti-social behavior go away once the alcoholic quits drinking for some time?
So does the nasty anti-social behavior go away once the alcoholic quits drinking for some time?
When they want to recovery they will-if the do not then pretty much nothing changes from what I have gone through with my XABF.
Focus on you and take a visit to Al-Anon or find someone one on one to talk too! It helps and for sure keep coming here and posting and reading the stickies!
And this is so true what LaTeeDa stated
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
This is, unfortunately, quite a common outcome. We (the children of alcoholics) grow up and marry one because that's what's familiar to us. You may just find the answers you are looking for by examining your own past. That's how it worked for me.
L
This is, unfortunately, quite a common outcome. We (the children of alcoholics) grow up and marry one because that's what's familiar to us. You may just find the answers you are looking for by examining your own past. That's how it worked for me.
L
hang in there Suemarieand by the way your not ignorant for not seeing the signs earlier! It is what it is and be grateful that you see them now and do something for YOU!
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