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(((Scared but want to talk)))

Old 01-05-2005, 05:38 AM
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(((Scared but want to talk)))

salut,
i have told part of my stories in small on the womens forum and i would like to share a little now. i have been mentally, sexually, physically and emotionally abused from 12 days old until i was 29 years old, first by neighbours then in an abusive relationship,i am still in therapy which began in my mid 20s. i know that you all understand ptsd. i also have a genetic condition which amongst other things affects my executive cognitive functioning and i have add so my brain isn't wired up too well to start with lol.
i am going to print something i wrote a while ago about how i felt, i continue to write about several things and hope that this is appropriate for this forum only a few dear friends read my stuff so i hope it's not too poor an explanation. Thank you for listening to me.
safe hugs indigo

Here goes:

Les Monstres

Come with me as your eyes have promised
Pay no mind to the wild eyed monsters
Calling from all sides
Dubious of intention
Vastness tried

Come with me let's quick be gone
You are no longer their little one
Prey to pour their failures on
Monsters sleep easy when day is done

Come with me let's waste no time
Abusers steal your right to rhyme
A polished performance in silent mime
Monsters dance the clinging vine

Come with me in love not fear
Their words are schemes to hold you near
See their trick is kiss and tease
To drag you slowly to your knees
Monsters are demons and they are thieves

Come with me we're almost there
It starts with love ends in despair
They know what's right they do not care
Monsters are seldom just or fair

Come with me it won't be long
The time has come now you are strong
Breath comes sharply just a gasp
Reel you in with their clammy grasp
This time they've set too hard a task
These monsters in their grownups mask

Come with me you need not stay hidden
Though pain is coming harsh unbidden
There are still some things be left forbidden
They'll tear your heart and soul assunder
Rob your childhood filled with wonder
Nothing's sacred all is plunder
Hear denial roar like thunder
Use your body to feed their hunger
Monsters lust for power is tragic
Rend your fabric call it magic
Rip apart your very fibre......
But in the end you're the survivor.....

indigo

Last edited by indigo; 01-06-2005 at 01:01 AM.
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Old 01-05-2005, 06:59 AM
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Indigo!
Are you scared for yourself, your son? And these trigger every other fear and flashbacks?
You know I am not wired up right either.
From what I have read, the monsters killed brain cells in our hippocampus thus the PTSD. I have to take medication for it. Just have to.
But there are also meditations that help calm and heal.
The brain has plasticity but they don't know yet if this condition can become re-wired.
But some of the new science is looking hopeful.

And maybe you need to mourn and grieve.
But I really try hard to do it in little digestable doses. The whole is too much at once.
Too engulfing, too scary.

You are such a beautiful, lovely person. Why, I think if you put my friend Indigo down like that again, you may find yourself in a fierce argument! hahahahahaha
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Old 01-05-2005, 07:13 AM
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(( Indie ))

Warm hugs to the child and the woman that you are today.Bless,Trish
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Old 01-05-2005, 12:52 PM
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That is a beautiful expression of your experience!

I'm so bad at putting me feelings into words that I so appreciate it when someone else can.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this with us.

Love and hugs,
MG
 
Old 01-06-2005, 08:08 AM
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Thank you,
for responding, Live I wasn't really putting myself down (promise) I survived but with my son being bi-polar and me being chemical deficient and right brained I have to look at the whole first and try to see things seperate afterwards which doesn't work too well .I see things in pictures and although I am very intuitive I don't always understand what is being said to me or how I come across to others, my partner and friends help out a lot and understand that I multitask and that I can't process things sequentially, this is difficult in a sequential world but I do have stategies to help me cope, the world overwhelms me and being able to intellectualize it yet still not be able to do it frustrates me. I cannot read peoples feelings by looking at them I use instinct and the tone of their voice even then I get it wrong! I am always jumping in mid conversation which makes people think that I am rude.....it's just that I forget what I am saying as soon as I've thought it, therefore if someone reads aloud to me I don't understand a darn thing, I make mistakes reading too and have to ask. On the other hand my long term memory is amazing though so maybe when I am an old woman it will be easier for me lol. thank you Trish for caring enough to give me feedback and to MG for understanding. Thank you Live for getting straight to the point I love that it helps things lots. I am scared to admit this is how I am but I am glad I have, I nearly removed the post. Am I posting this on the right board?

LOVE indigo
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Old 01-06-2005, 08:14 AM
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Big cuddle hug

No way to misread that hahahahahaha

You are always in the right place!
okay, except for that one time you tripped. But then I did that all dressed up in a new pair of heels just a couple of weeks ago.
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Old 01-06-2005, 08:53 AM
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This is the right place.

I see things in pictures too. Then I have to break it down into a million pieces and put it back together again and then I understand it. It takes me a lot longer to process information, but I really know it when I'm done. Piece by piece, lol. The problem then is that I can't tell anyone what I know. I can't put words to it.
So I get frustrated a lot. That's why I so appreciate your poem.

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Old 01-06-2005, 09:22 AM
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I am glad to know that I am not the only one that works in reverse, I seem to feel things really deeply and half the time I feel like I am walking about all inside out ouch!
indie x
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Old 01-06-2005, 10:20 AM
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I am really puzzled now. I see things but I don't know how I see them. I am very bad with visual images, so I know I don't see it like that, but I know I don't see things normally either and it takes me alot of time to put it together. I think I see in written words. I am verbally language handicapped. I can't just "talk" But the written words come from somewhere else that is a mystery to me.
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Old 01-06-2005, 10:37 AM
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Do you take things literally Live? I am very gullible and take things absolutely literally...EG: if someone asks me to say "can you empty the washing machine" I do just that I don't make the link to then hang out the washing (sequence again duh) I have to be instructed bit by bit to do tasks that is...so I can't follow instructions and it frustrates people also I start one task forget what I am doing and start another, it means that I hardly ever finish a task unless prompted. Yet I can visualize say how I would to build something, well I the end product that is and then I just do it but if someone asks me how I can't tell them cause I simply don't know. But I cannot lay a carpet as I see it in reverse, I don't know if I am coming across clearly here. I can solve problems too and not know how. But I am discalcalalic sp. and can only do simple additon or take away because I have to see the sum (math) in my head I can't grasp the basic concept of mathematics. Are you like that? I can't work things out logically either......oh dear best stop now before I have totally baffled myself and you guys too.

HUGS indie
PS It does mean that I can't always tell if someone is being unkind to me so that hurts my friends not me, I think it makes me vulnerable, so I try and laugh things off to deflect the pain. That too can make people really angry at me but I have a long fuse..........then if I do let rip I go off like a fire cracker.
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Old 01-06-2005, 01:49 PM
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I have got to laugh. If asked, would you take those out of the washing machine, I would take them out, shake them and fold them and put them in the laundry basket.
Hey, I don't read minds. If you would like me to hang them out and have this expectation, would you please inform me of it.

I am terrible at math, but an absolute whiz at algebra, because algebra is a logical system. I like it like crossword puzzles.
Math, that is what calculators are for. Can'd do it in my head, but can write it out and do it long hand.

Ahh heck, I get those looks.....she's crazy...and I think to myself, you are right..crazy like a fox.

I learned this from my dad, but check out Marlon Brando's Godfather.
People who know me know that when I am cussing and carrying on, I am not at all serious.
But when I lower my voice, speak a little more slowly and extremely deliberately...you have one chance to hear me and you had better listen up, I am dead serious.
Very few people ignore that or dismiss it. It is because I mean everything I say, I don't plan to have to say it to you again. In fact, I won't.
Hey, it is the only time I am good verbally. Go figure that?

I cope with other reactions to my eccentricities by getting totally amused and a big kick out of their grappling with how to deal with something out of their norm.

This is your post, oops, diarhea of the fingers again!

love,
you have got it going on!!!
live
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Old 01-07-2005, 01:47 AM
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Perhaps I used the wrong analogy with the washing (nah I didn't) it was hilarious trying to train our dogs to cross a road properly, I know that there are three instructions 1) stop at road 2) make dog sit 3) say come to the dog
(only in French of course!!!) well I can write it down see it but in practise it's a farce as my partner is stopping and getting her dogs to sit I am already shooting across the road at breakneck speed so I don't kill us all.

It would be very impractical if not downright crazie to expect logic or sequence from me! hehehehe. Oh do tell me more I am enjoying this so.

HUGS indieannie
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Old 01-07-2005, 09:34 AM
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Everyone has given up on trying to teach me to drive a standard transmission.
They don't understand that I don't read minds and will do exactly what they tell me and nothing more. I follow directions very well, but you can't leave out any of the steps.
Like when they say now push in the clutch. I do just that. and it is rolling towards a deep ditch and they YELL put on the brake we are almost in the ditch.
I cried. I said, you didn't tell me to put on the brake, you are the instructor, I was waiting for your instructions.
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Old 01-07-2005, 06:37 PM
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There is some really good stuff here. I'm able to identify with much of it. Not sure how to feel about that. I like the picture stuff. My life is like one of those Polaroid Pictures. Different parts will clear before others. I must learn in many cases not to touch trying to rush it. The picture must develop on it's own. I sometimes, compare it to my refection in the mirror. I can watch it develop into a beautiful picture in recovery or a terrible picture drinking. Depends many times on the set of eyes I view with. No, I didn't mean I have more than one set, I mean that my brain is processing the same image my eyes are seeing. My brain likes what my eyes are seeing. A sober Don, with hope and dreams. Don W
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Old 01-07-2005, 07:01 PM
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Wow what a gorgeous thread...
I too can relate to alot of what has been said... I have to be able to visualize things in order to make sense of the world...

Indigo... your poem was so beautiful, I know it deals with deep and agonizing pain, and for that I am so very sorry... but I could relate and it moved me to tears... Thank you so much for sharing your heart here.
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Old 01-08-2005, 10:22 AM
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I think that a lot of people who feel they are wired up wrong or just not too tightly wrapped take to drink/drugs as an escape from such an overwhelming world..I think we have to try different stategies to help ourselves deal with our adversities and/or inability to cope with the anguish and pain....I know I started my addictions as an escape instead it made matters worse, I just keep picking myself back up again and I try to celebrate my differences and uniqueness....don't always work though otherwise I guess I wouldn't be baring my soul here, one thing I do know is I am grateful for each and everyone of you splendid souls.
love indie
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Old 01-08-2005, 01:55 PM
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Sorry I missed this post, it's great!

Annie, your writing is heartfelt and beautiful. You have many challenges to deal with and they have made you into the most wonderful woman. I'm still laughing about the story of the dogs crossing the road!

The abuse you suffered is so awful, it makes me feel so sad for you. I think the abuse I suffered as a child taught me to always say/do what is wanted of you. I learned to be whatever a person wanted me to be. I had absolutely no idea who I was, nothing at all. I faked my way through my life until my mid-forties when it all came tumbling down and I thought alcohol would save me. The thing is that having gone through abuse and addictions and survived, we are free to be ourselves. You celebrate your differences and uniqueness and I try to do the same!

I know how absolutely lucky I am to have you as a friend!

PS I'd love it if you shared more of your writing with us.

Love, Anna
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Old 01-26-2005, 07:16 AM
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This is my next installment of my pain release:

The Givers and the Given:
How spendid it is to give, one should receive with good grace and open arms that which is freely given, we have free will, our gift to use for the good of ourselves and for others. I’ll pose a question now, not too difficult I hope, just wishing to initiate or thought provoke. Who decides what’s for the good of others?

Who are the other’s? well one of them was me. I was given with good grace, well intended and taken with open arms. No-one thought to ask my opinion, perhaps at two weeks the givers thought I had no opinion! I must have wept , surely I cried? The takers total strangers, my tiny self abandoned before I had a chance to know any of the givers. There you are a gift you are the given one.

Take me back……. they had no-one til I, the sacrificial lamb, did they not know why.? (They had each other didn’t they!) I must be a good girl, accept my fate. God made me I won’t be late. I must try to understand………”hush little baby don’t be shy we will never make our baby cry, uncle’s going to wet you because you are dry, it may hurt a little though, we will not lie, why here comes auntie it’s the vaseline lullaby” This lesson I would need to undergo to nourish my soul, did I really know did I decide before I arrived? (The unbelonging, the strangeness of this body, these beings, this bewilderment this chagrin these chaotic rules called life. ) I must have made the choice to be a gift, yet sometimes feel……… I am…… a reluctant one

indigo

Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Old 01-26-2005, 03:48 PM
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Indigo, My heart breaks reading your post. Although painfull you're on the right path to recovery. You will find, like I did, that a little at a time will give you the strength to continue. The secrets we keep inside are like boiling water, it burns from within. Exposed to the coolness of the open air, they will cool so you'll be able to handle them. As you said, It wasn't our choice to be abused but, recovering from it is our choice. Love, Don W
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Old 01-27-2005, 02:04 AM
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Thanks Don,
Yes I am healing I have come a long way, I feel only pity for my abusers now, because they never knew unconditional love and never will. It is by sharing my past with my friends here that I no longer keep the secrets, my private thoughts in public I guess. I do want to say a special thank you to you Don for sharing my journey to myself with me and to anyone else who walks with me.
love indieannie big hug Don (a lovely safe one)
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