Lilya

I booked an emergency session with my therapist and here is what she said.

In her opinion - and my old shrink´s too - my mother is really unstable and my sister is deeply unhappy. They don´t want to do anything to change it; my mom won´t continue her therapy and my sister thinks she´s perfect.

My mother throws tantrums like this and has been prone to it all her life. She behaves like this with her grand-children. She weeps and moans like a drama queen, and the best thing to do is to just ignore it.

My therapist told me to continue to be calm and assertive and don´t take calls from my sister, who is using me to vent her frustration and grief over our dad´s death. I told her not to use me like a trash can, but my therapist says all words are meaningless when people don´t hear or is stuck in blame-shifting and sccusation.

I have turned off my phone, had a good meeting with for my project, worked well and had a swim. I´m thinking of joing the gym there.

Any ideas how to handle my mom when she calls?

I´m not ready to talk to her. I musn´t lose my calm.

Love and light,

scarlati

Wow. Your mother sounds EXACTLY like mine! She comes up with all these silly projects and ideas and then tries to force everyone to participate and if anyone tries to give their own opinions she'll either completely ignore them or she'll argue and make a big scene, and then she'll start blubbering and crying like a baby. If you've ever seen The Sopranos, every time they show Tony's mom she reminds me of my own. Always in everyone else's business and trying to control and manipulate people with a combination of nagging, yelling and guilt. Sounds like you have the same problem.

I mostly try to avoid my mother. I mean, my parents live nearby and I visit them a couple times a month, but I never talk about my personal life with her and our visits are always at their house and if she starts getting on my nerves or being too nosy I just leave. And when she tries to tell me about her problems and how the world is out to get her I pretty much just tell her that I can't solve her problems and won't let her drag me into them. And when she starts crying and asking why I don't love her I just hang up or leave. This is clearly a dysfunctional relationship but the only alternatives are either to get her into therapy, which I've tried, or never talk to her at all, which would mean never seeing my dad either. And that's no good cause I really like my dad.

My brother read a book called How to Deal with Difficult People because of her and he says it was really helpful and that there's a chapter about that exact personality type. The book calls this kind of person The Sherman Tank because they tend to just plow through anyone that disagrees with them. I haven't read the book yet, but I think you and I could probably both benefit from it. It's on my to-do list.

I can't really offer you any advice. For me, I just try to keep our relationship as limited as possible. After I hung up on her a few times and started telling her to mind her own business she got the picture and started treating me a little more respectfully cause now she knows I just won't tolerate her nonsense. I don't know if this approach will work for you or not.

Sometimes I think about just packing up and moving away and not telling anyone. Just go off somewhere and start a new life. I'd miss my brothers too much though.

Lilya

Thanks Scarlati.

Yes, I´ve seen the Sopranos and I know what you mean, but don´t you find it embarrassing when she starts weeping and moaning? This is a terrible thing and takes it´s toll.

This summer, my kid and my brother´s youngest kid were playing together in a beautiful park right next to my house and fishing in a small pond. My mom came over and they were all supposed to have dinner at my brother. He´s a doctor and gets calls from the emergency unit, so his schedule is tight. She told them to stop fishing and come to the car, and when they didn´t obey, she starting throwing temper tantrum like a crazy person, telling them - 9 year old and 6 year old girls, her grandchildren - that she meant obviously nothing to them and that she didn´t deserve that.

I didn´t say anything, but told the girls to ignore this, "Granny is tired... and nuts right now," I told them. Then I went calmly to mom and asked her what the big deal was and if I could drive them to my brothers. She was sobbing hysterically and all the people with kids in the garden looked at us like we were a bunch of nut family.

I didn´t comment on her hysterics and then the next day when she brought the girls, she apologized.

I so understand you want to pack up and leave. I´ve wanted to do it many times.
I´m going to look for the book How to deal with difficult people, she seems to fit the bill. At the same time I feel really sorry for her to lose her dignity this way.

I recommend another book, Toxic Parents. Our moms are there together! I learned a lot of non-defensive and assertive tips from that book, it´s a treasure.

I´m not answering my sister or my mother´s call right now. I can understand you don´t want to miss the relationship with your dad. I really miss mine right now, because he hated her hysterics and we used to talk about it and seek strenght from each other.

Good luck with yours...

Love and light,

Lilya

Well, it´s official now, my mother and sister refuse to speak to me and all communication must go through one of my brothers.

It´s typical for them. Each year, they announce: "We´re not talking to Uncle Frederic this Christmas. He has disgraced the family."

Once I asked my mom if she shouldn´t just contact the Italian mafia, they run a restaurant nearby, and ask for a contract on Uncle Fred. Then our family wouldn´t have to get involved.

My brother, the doctor, called to let me know how the situation is. He was clearly annoyed, they jumped on him after 7 hour surgery on liver cancer, to tell them how terrible I was and how disgraceful.

We parted in good spirits, but I´m still angry at them and want to give them piece of my mind. My therapist says no, don´t do anything, let them make the first step, be cool and assertive.

I will try to do what she says.

Like minefields, these days.
I will go to the gym tomorrow and start a program. Scarlati or anyone, can you recommend some exercise that won´t make me too muscular? I´m naturally slim, dancer´s body, but I have gained 3-4 kilos, which don´t seem to get off.

Love and light,

scarlati

Most women don't haven enough testosterone to get really bulky unless they're using steroids or hormones, so you can lift weights without having to worry about looking manly. Circuit training would probably be good for your purposes. Most gyms have a bunch of machines lined up or in a circle and if you move from one to the next with little or no rest in between you can get some good strength training, burn a lot of calories and get in a good cardio workout all at once. Most gyms will have a personal trainer show you how to use the equipment when you sign up. If they do, take advantage of that but keep in mind that trainers are also salesmen, so if they try to sell you supplements, fat burners, diet pills, etc. don't fall for it. You don't really need them, whatever the trainer might say.

http://www.sport-fitness-advisor.com...-training.html

As for your mom and sister not talking to you, I'm actually kind of jealous. I think my life would improve if she'd let me be for a while. And if you go to them and try to make nice it just encourages this kind of behaviour. You should try not to let this bother you, and if it does you should try not to let them know it bothers you. If they know this is a big deal to you they will always be able use the silent treatment to manipulate you. Maybe you should plan on spending Christmas with Uncle Fred this year. And if your mom breaks down and offers to "forgive" you and invites you over for Christmas you can just tell her you appreciate the offer but you've already made other plans.

Lilya

Maybe I should spend Christmas with Uncle Fred? Good one, Scarlati.

In fact, we should. Then my mom won´t see her granddaughter this Christmas. It would be a relief for us. I have decided not to talk to my mom nor my sister for now and just keep doing what I´m doing. I must say it´s a huge relief not to have her on my back. I feel better and I´m screening my calls.

Sure, the "Silent treatment" is their speciality, like all manipulators and emotional blackmailers.

I keep reading Emotional Blackmail and it´s good. It´s recommended not to be in too much touch with difficult family members and certainly not to feed their bad behavior, so you´re doing what is right.

I haven´t had such a row with them for many, many years, because I learned from my therapist, my group work and books how to deal with them. Then with my father´s death the strain takes it tolls. I just have to be vigilant and keep reading.

I´m going to ask about this circular training. I´m definately starting the gym plus my swimming and dancing. I know about the Diet-pills and how useless they are. It´s enough to drink green tea, you burn lots of calories just by drinking it regularly.

Love and light,

scarlati

Has your therapist given you any advice on how to minimize the emotional damage this mess may cause your daughter? If this lasts until Christmas, is she old enough to understand why you're not celebrating with gramma this year? I don't have any kids, so when my mother and I are at odds it doesn't really affect anyone else, but if I had young children I think it would be hard for me to explain all this to them. If your daughter is close with her grandmother what will you tell her when she says she wants to go visit grandma?

And while we're talking about your kid, how has she been doing since losing her grandfather? Did you take her to the funeral?

Lilya

It´s been very difficult for her. She doesn´t know about this latest row and my mom is out of townuntil December, so she knows her grandmother is not available.

I took her to the funeral because she wanted to come, otherwise I wouldn´t have forced her. But I don´t believe in hiding death from children. It´s part of life and I think children need to understand it as soon as possible, like children did in the old days when babies were born and people died in the presence of the family.

She is used to her grandmother´s hysteria and handles it well, although she hates it when my mom acts like this. I took her to a child psychologist some time ago. She has handled the stress remarkably well, but if she needs it, I´ll take her to see the psychologist.

When my mom comes back, I´ll see what happens. But if we are still "disgraceful" like Uncle Fred or other black sheep in the family, there is no option but to tell the child about what happened and deal with it.

Love and light,

Lilya

I bought a gym card at the gymnase club and had a 45 minutes workout. It was really great and afterwards I had a 30 minutes swim. However, I wasn´t impressed with the female bodies I saw. Overly-muscular, their stomack in many layers with muscle, totally flat and their tighs huge from heavy musculation. No curves, no softness, no femininity, just male women.

I don´t want to be like that. The personal trainer is going to give me a program to fit me, but he seems overeager to make me overly muscular like the other women there. I booked a session with female trainer, who looks good and feminin.

Overall, it was really good. I can´t wait to go back. But no muscles!

Love and light,

scarlati

Your girl is lucky to have you.

If you want to avoid becoming bulky and muscular you just have to use lighter weights. If you're trying to bulk up you'd use the heaviest weights you can even if you can only do a few reps. That's the best way to build mass. That's not what you want, so you should be doing 10-12 reps of every exercise you do. If you can't do 10 you need a lighter weight.

The trainer's job is to cater your workout to your needs. In your first session the first thing she should ask you is what your goals are. If she tries to start you on a program without asking you this I would recommend against letting her train you. When she does ask what your goals are, just tell her exactly what you want. If there's a super muscular woman in the area point her out and tell her specifically that you DON'T want to look like that. Or, since you say the trainer looks good and feminine tell her you want the same body type she has. You can even cut a picture out of a magazine, show it to her and tell her that's the body you want to have. And, as I mentioned previously, don't buy any supplements.

GailJ

Lilya

Thanks Scarlati.

Hopefully my mom will be gracious enough to speak to her and give her a Christmas present.

My sister sent me an e-mail, not apaologizing directly (she would never do that, anyway), but clearly wanting to communicate - with the persona non grata in the famiglia, La Cosa nostra (lol)- acting as nothing had happened. She had some questions to ask me and I answered calmly. She made all kinds of smilies and hearts to go with the e-mail.

I swear, this family is over the top. The Sopranos!

I will not sway from my path. I keep reading my book, Emotional Blackmail, and I keep finding treasure there. For instance, when your family or some angry friend says You´re bad, uncaring, selfish, rude, distant... he or she is stating his/her opinion of you. Nothing else. so the answer here is Opinion, not a fact, and return to sender.But the key elements consist of non-defensive statements and calm assertiveness.

There is also the Guilt Box. You can take a shoe box and use it to store abusive letters from the family. The box works similar to the "God box". You write down questions, doubts and wishes in order to let go of it. Then usually your consciousness gives you the answer, if you just forget about it for some time.

I´m off to the gym to see my personal trainer and to swim! I need all the energy possible when the head of la famiglia, my mom, arrives in town in the beginning of december.

Booked six meetings for my project, got two deals done on the phone this week.

Love and light,

Lilya

I´m feeling depressed since this week-end and slightly sick. No energy, even though I force myself to go to the gym every other day. Yesterday I felt so bad I had to tell people I couldn´t speak to them on the phone.

When I´m like this I just see the strive that is my life and forget to look at the plus side. I just got home after some meetings and have to send in some budget plans for my new project.

I have many things to be grateful for, but I have difficulties seeing them when I feel like this. I have nightmares every single night - always about my father.

I really hope I´ll feel better later on - I know I will if I force myself to go through the days as they are organized.

Good to know you´re here, my friends.

Love and light,

Lilya

I feel much better. The depressive thoughts come and go, but I just let them flow and make sure I go to the health club, swim, take care of my little girl and maintain good relationships with my friend and family (La cosa nostra).

An old friend and colleague has surfaced yet again. This is not however the man who stalked me. This is another man, and I have feelings and thoughts about him that make me both happy, uncomfortable and confused.

We have known each other for four years but have often been in different countries and not seen each other at long intervals. When we first met, it was "attraction at first sight", but we didn´t do anything about it as he had to leave for a long assignment abroad.

Now we have been meeting regularily at functions and he does everthing to show me he is interested in me, but I´m afraid it´s just sexual. Although we have worked together on big projects, he knows very little about me. He keeps going on about my looks, my clothes, superficial things and is reluctant to talk about my knowledge, skills and professional attributes.

Also, he just waits to see me at the next social function to have fun. If I speak to some other friendly men that are interested in me, he gets really possessif and immedately come over to chase them away. Then I may not see him for two or three months, because he is away on business.

Last year he asked me to marry him "because we would never find anyone else who shared the same interests as we do and have the same background". I told him to take a hike. He then told me he had put it badly and meant it differently and invited me to come with him to a boring conferance in Switzerland. No offense, Swiss people, je vous adore, but I don´t want to go there on a conference listening to hours of lecture on quantum physics.

I told him so and he got so hurt, he wouldn´t see me for some time.

Anyway, when we start meeting often like this I start to think about him, but I wonder if it is a beginning of something or nothing. I also dislike the energy he takes and I haven´t got a clue what´s on his mind except what he says, that he really likes me physically. He added lately that I had attributes he never knew of and liked discovering that.

He has said about himself that he is a sensitive man who has been burnt badly by women and isn´t able to hold on to a relationship. He told me he wanted to change that and has sought professional help and is now seeing a therapist lately.

I don´t know if I should just have fun with him, go with the flow or just dismiss him and talk with the other guys I work and socialize with. The problem is he has chasen them away and acts like he owns me in public.

I feel confused and I really don´t know how to handle this. Could some one please give me a good advice and/or input?

Does anyone know what to make of this man?

Love and light,

theman88

hey, ive had drinking problems & ive had anxiety problems & depression since i can remember, and even going in a mall is hard for me, i feel like im blacking out n i just run out of any situation i feel uncomfortable im in, and its pretty much un treated, so i hope u get the treatment n help u need

GailJ

Last year he asked me to marry him "because we would never find anyone else who shared the same interests as we do and have the same background". I told him to take a hike. He then told me he had put it badly and meant it differently

He has said about himself that he is a sensitive man who has been burnt badly by women and isn´t able to hold on to a relationship

Quite the contrast Lil although I may not be the one to give the best advice on the subject as my choice is so off the wall and well just plain odd.

Sounds very insecure and not comfortable with himself and still looking for someone else besides himself to blame by what you've said. Yet still is in treatment and showing a willingness to change to the better. The taking off for months part makes me shudder. I couldn't take that...and don't. Still yet your both professionals and life is very full. I may be good to take it slow, if your comfortable with intimacy on a casual basis it may lead somewhere great in the long run. Patience and trusting your own decisions helps. And the need to feel in control or even to have an escape route on the backburner just in case things go sour. It is confusing being sent mixed messages. Your still in the greiving process as well. It's so soon since your dad passed, and you pile so much responsibility onto yourself. hmmmmmmm.....is this a way of dissasociating......don't know. Me I constantly change things. A therapist asked me what I was trying to change once and bamm. I went into my first bout of PTSD. This probably isn't helping at all. Just things to think about.
Bottom line if your comfortable, secure and happy together than it is worth pursuing.

Just thoughts really and thanks for asking. I owe you guys a long thread in 9 days after all this christmas turkey season is over and I have real time to sit. Seven, long hours, days a week at the moment. and my own relationship has peaked and is dying painfully and emotionally numb from the length of it all.
One of my sons arrived unannounced and would life to stay and start a new direction. He's my son and this is home. I will not turn him away. Sorry enough I'll save it for the thread I owe you all. Keep posting and let me know how it's going and for goodness sake, be patient with yourself.

P.S. I would love to read that book. Could be very beneficial.

2stop

(((((((((Lilya))))))))))

I hope the stress eases for you soon. I have quite the stressful year myself....LOL......oh man...This week though the gas comoany reconnected my heat and water....didn't have hot water in my house for 3 months.I have never been so poor in my life.
But amazingly my heart and my spirit has suffered little. I am truly grateful for being alive and soooo very glad to be back online.
I have been dealing also with lots of health problems. It is very tiring and it must be very difficult for you with your work schedule and all. I hope things ease up soon.

Maybe have your thyroid and hormones levels checked? Sometimes mine get out of whack...and I feel very out of sorts and tired and edgy........

((((((((warmest hugs))))))))) and Love & Light.....