Lilya

Well, it´s back to daily life for me after a wonderful adventure.

I realized many things about my life that are making me anxious and I want to change them.

One is that I have been getting too overwhelmed and then my organization skills go out the window.

I just got home and saw the post all piled up. One is from the Income tax and normally I would open it like a maniac and then try to get hold of someone before the office closes, but I know it´s not necessary. My affaires are in order and I can deal with the Income tax on Monday.

I´m not opening the letter until then.

Then I realized my life lacks spice. I need more fun, new people and new entertainment. My life is stale. I want to change that too.

Lots of things to consider. My trip opened my eyes and I´m not anxious today.


Love and light,

Lilya

I want to reach my new goals in six months, so here goes:

1. New project was accepted so the next thing to do is to organize fundings before November 15th and do deals with the TV and University.

a. Before October 15th: Get an appointment with XX and apply for fundings. Plan B: apply to three other organizations.
b. Before October 30th: Get an appointment with the TV for the deal.
c. Before November 15th: Get in touch with the people who want to do the symposium and get it ready.

2. Project 2:

1. Ready in 5 months. Deadline February.
2. Before December 1st: Gather together all information
3. Edit before January 31st
4. Next two months: Saturday and Sunday: Work on it with the goal to finish.

Same goes for Project 3.

I´m going to check each item off when it´s finished and then update.

I believe organization skills can really help anxiety. When I see this outlined, I don´t need to be afraid. This will be my safe place and it´s also good to know I´m getting somewhere with all this. Which means I have to deliver.

Love and light,

bluenena

I am glad you are feeling well. I agree I was just thinking this morning, "If only I were more organized I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed."

Keep it up, your doing good.

Lilya

Thanks Blue,

I was wondering how you´re doing. Well, I hope?

Next project is health and fitness.

There have been so many things going on in my life since last February that I haven´t had the time to practice my dance and drink Green tea.

I need to start drinking more of it, because it´s good for me and keeps me in shape. It´s also good for the skin, makes it glow.

1. I bought a tea pot today and some variations of the tea.

Then I need to practice more steps and movements. I´m bored with it because I´ve danced for more than 6 years.

1. I decided to spice it up with flamenco and yoga and start slowly, just twice this week, but keep up my swimming.

What do you do for staying in shape? It´s really good for anxiety.

Love and light,

GailJ

Wow Lilya, You made great achievements in life and it sounds as if you are trying to live life to the fullest. Very inspirational to an agorophobic like me. You should be very proud of your accomplishments and don't let negative dopes with hurtfull comments get to you.

Lilya

Thanks Gail.

Sweet of you to say that.

After I stopped drinking and using drugs I decided to give my family and my career every energy that had gone into drinking. That was a lot, because I drank and did drugs day and night. Took a long time to get back on my feet, but life changed in a way I didn´t find possible when I was using.

I really belive it´s our duty to live our life to the fullest. You will do that too once you´re over your difficult time.

Love and light,

Lilya

It´s amazing, I´m still calm and happy.

Today I felt I was about to get into my old habits of anxiety, but I managed to push it away. I had a difficult board meeting and I noticed I had overspent a bit on my new house I bought in June.

I have a tendency to overspend when I´m anxious. I don´t know why. Each time I have to go over my finances, change here and there, talk to my bank and arrange matters, I go into panic. Probably because when I was using I had zero income, and sometimes ended on a beach or the streets in foreign cities.

I have been quite comfortable for money for some time now, but the reaction is the same - except not today. I absolutely refuse to go back there. This is not a catastrophe, nowhere near it. It´s a matter of arranging things, maybe sell some stock. It´s a project and I´m going to finish it free of worries and irrational fear.

And the letter from the tax was actually positive. I payed more than I should have, so they are refunding me.

Please comment if you have something to share on this.

Love and light,

Lilya

Hi all, (weak smile)

I was too ill to go to work and got hold of the doctor around noon.

He agreed to see me at once and examined me. He said it seemed just like an infection and I would get rid of it myself. 99,9% it´s nothing serious, he said.

I think it´s a bit irresponsible to talk like this. He is a doctor. What if he is wrong?

I told him how anxious I was and as he knows I´m a hypochondriac, he did a bloodtest himself on the spot. Told me he was going to have it sent to find out if I had any serious diseases like cancer and Aids. He even called the lab to tell them to be super quick and will e-mail me some of the results on Wednesday.

At the mention of these diseases, I got a panic attack, but didn´t show anything. I just left. I wanted to go back and ask him not to send my blood sample to the laboratoire, but in any case it was gone.

A friend came over with some fruit and flowers, but I sent him away and gave my neighbour the flowers. I cannot see anyone right now.

I haven´t been able to breathe properly and I cannot take care of my child. She´s at my mom´s. I cannot do anything constructive, and I wished I could still do drugs and drink.

When I feel like this, there is only one thing I can do. Talk to my AA friends. My sponsor is coming over from an evening class.

Love and light,

GailJ

Being sick is awfull, Take your time, have lots of hot steamy baths, cuddle up with a good book or watch tv with a blanket. Wrap a scarf around your neck, wear nice thick wooly socks, eat lots of citrus, and wait it out, you know the anxiety is making you worry more than you need too. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

Is it a cold/flu, or strep throat or tonsilitis, (makes the glands swell up a lot)
I used to get strep thoat and tonsiitis every couple of months when I was in my twenties and thirties. If it is doc's right you'll have to wait it out and take a over the counter pain pill to control the pain, Tylenol or aspirin. Big hugs and get well soon Lil

bluenena

Lilya

Thanks, Gail and Blue.

I´m feeling better today. The doctor phoned me as promised with most of the results and everything is normal. Based on some other tests he had asked for, he said I don´t have to worry about the more complicated diseases and malignant cancer of the lymph nodes he ruled out.

I told him how I´ve felt and we spoke about the hypocondria and how it makes me feel. He said that although it must be difficult to live with, it´s the end result that counts. Going to the see the doctor and have the tests is what counts.

I´m very grateful and feel like an idiot, but that´s wonderful too.

Love and light,

GailJ

Don't feel like an idiot, you know it's the anx and your being open and honest about it with doc, that's what counts, right now I am terrified to go see my gp, the thought of it sends my anx through he roof, yet I must get the courage to go and have a full checkup and a four year overdue pap. Cancer is in my family two, dad died of lung cancer, mom of colon cancer, two sisters with cervicle cancers and one had breas cancer, two of my sisters recovered, my oldest sis is facing surgury now.

I contantly worry about it yet I can't bring myself into going cause of my anx and PTSD issues.

I'm glad your feeling better though. Have a lovely cup of tea with lemon and know we're thinking of you.

Lilya

Thanks Gail.

I´m glad I feel like an idiot, because now I know I don´t have these diseases. I´m still sick, but I´m feeling much better and will be working at home for the remainder of the week. I´m going over exciting offers for projects and working on deals I already made.

I had some people over yesterday evening and all of them said they got ill from anxiety when waiting for results. But then again, most of them are pretty dysfunctional and recovering addicts. :ghug

By all means, go and have your tests. I have to go to the women´s clinic also. Remember, it´s the end results that counts. It´s going to the doctor and having all the tests done, despite the anxiety.

The anxiety level is down. For now. I miss swimming like mad, but the doctor told me not to go until next week. I´ll try some yoga and lemon and strawberry tea I already have.

Love and light,

Barto

Glad you’re doing so well Lilya!

Lilya

Thanks, Barto! Hope you´re doing well too.

Love and light,

Lilya

I feel tired today, probably overdid it when I did yoga yesterday.

It´s great to stay at home from work for a whole week! Hasn´t happened since January 2001 when I had a crazy flu. It´s actually giving to take it easy. I even sat on the veranda and had coffee this morning with my neighbour. She is getting a divorce and we talked a lot. We both want to rearrange the garden for next spring.

I bought DVD on tai chi on Amazon and can´t wait to start exercising. It´s nice and quiet and I´m getting things done for my next project.

I try to use the quiet time to think about stuff that makes me anxious and write down how I can make them workable. My therapist told me to do it and I think it´s actually working.

Love and light,

scarlati

Lilya, Tai Chi's great. I've been in a class for about a year. My instructor teaches it as a combat art but there are also a lot of relaxation exercises, which is what you'll probably get from the DVD. There are a few different styles and forms. Do you know what form you'll be learning? The major styles are Yang, Chen, and Wu. I don't know anything about Chen or Wu but Yang has a long form and a short form. My class is based on the Yang long form.

Lilya

Scarlati,

It´s called Tai Chi for health and demonstrates the Yang long form. I wanted to get a DVD with some martial arts as well, but decided to take this one first. I did some self defence with Kung Fu thrown in from a retired police officer in Paris, so I wanted to add some to the movements.

I´ve been told that "Tai chi and CBT together are unbeatable". I really look forward to practice it. In China I saw people doing similar exercises outsides in public gardens very early in the morning. Do you practice it on a daily basis?

Love and light,

scarlati

My class is based on the Yang Long form as well. Before I started therapy I was meditating and practing the tai chi exercises about 5 days a week. But since I started therapy about a month ago I've been feeling much less anxious so I don't need it as much. I have class twice a week, but we don't spend a lot of time on the form in class. So I'll usually go through the form once or twice a week on my own time.

My therapist agreed that tai chi is great for relaxation but said that the biggest thing holding me back is that I lack assertiveness and self confidence and learning a more aggressive art to compliment the tai chi would probably do me some good. That's why I took up boxing. He was right, too. It's an exhausting workout but making it through the class gives me a huge sense of accomplishment and the endorphin high lasts the whole next day. I feel better about myself and my anxiety's at an all time low. I'm doing so well now that in this week's session he told me instead of weekly therapy sessions I can cut back to every 2 or 3 weeks.

When you got sick last weekend you and I were comparing illnesses. In case you're interested the 2nd round of antibiotics ended yesterday and my sinus and ear infections seem to be gone. Last time it came back 5 days after I got of the meds, so I guess I might not be out of the woods yet, but I feel healthy for the 1st time in 3wk.

I'm glad to hear you're doing better too. Have the swollen nodes gone back down yet?

Lilya

Remember, all the old wise prophets say:

"Daily practice. Otherwise it´s next to useless."

LOL There is something in it, though. It´s difficult to unlearn bad habits unless it´s done on a daily basis. I´m going to try to do at least one kind of exercise every day and add meditation every day.

It´s great you´re doing something assertive like boxing for self-confidence. I used to have that problem and it can happen to me still when I´m under pressure. I took a course with ACA and learned that 1. thoughts lead to feelings 2. feelings lead to thoughts. 3. who lead to feelings.

For exemple: I have no self-confidence - leads to feeling lousy - leads to thinking: I am worthless. So, I was told to break it up by using the word "choose" before each sentence. I choose to have no self-confidence. I choose to be angry, sad, lonely, whatever. The word "choose" gives you more power.

I´m glad you got rid of your infection and hopefully you´ll stay healthy. Sinusites are awful to get rid of, but it works with antibiotics. It´s so stressful to be sick!

My glands are still a bit swollen, although much smaller now. My doctor told me it could take weeks for them to be totally normal, but I shouldn´t worry about it since he rules out all the malignant cancer stuff that worried me - like mad!

I´m still feeling weak and my doctor mentioned I might be overtired or stressed out since he can´t find anything physically wrong with me.

Time for bed - it´s late here. About self-confidence, I remember some great visualisations that can help. I´ll write about them tomorrow. Have you tried them?

Love and light.