Lilya

Thanks, Gail and Scarlati.

Yes, I had a stormy relationship with my parents when I was drunk and using drugs and when I started AA and therapy, I started to blame them for all my problems. I think it´s normal in some way, because you stop growing up when you´re drunk and blame others for your misfortune.

Our relationship developed naturally when there was more balance in my life, and these past years he´s been ill, we sorted out each issue. My mother went into therapy. We all talked openly about our problems, his lifestyle, which was pretty irresponsible, my abuse of drugs and drinking and history with men. He helped me so much by just explaining to me all kinds of things I missed growing up. He became my best friend.

I´m just sitting with him at the hospital, took my computer with me so I can work, and we wait.

My therapist knows about this, there is no time to see her, my father may leave any time and I want to be with him.

Love and light,

GailJ

Many prayers, and with you all the way.

Lilya

Thanks, Gail.

I just came home from the hospital, nothing has changed except my father goes deeper into sleep or coma, I don´t know which. Sometimes his breathing stops and then it begins again. The nurse told me it´s the procedure of death. He is not given anything to eat or drink, except some liquid, as his death is happening naturally with our consent.

My darling little girl said goodbuy to him earlier this afternoon. She was so brave, I was proud of her. Second death in the family the same year. It´s a lot.

I went for a walk in a forest nearby. The room stifles me, and it´s so hot in there, but I´m strangely calm. I think I´ve already said goodbuy to him.

Love and light,

GailJ

You sound like me, being calm, being strong, being brave for everyone. You won't grieve, you need control right now. Inside it's different and it won't come out for quite a while. Took me a month after my dad passing to finally greive, cry. I didn't do it in front of anyone either. Walked down through the woods to the river, got drunk(at that time only way to release any emotions at all) then It hit, I spent the afternoon screaming at god, my dad, my self, crying, laughing, a torent of all I pent up and kept hidden from everyone. The chipmunks, coons, foxes and squirrels must of thought I lost it that day. Just my way of grieving and I suspect a little you might do the same. Keep us posted.
PS If he is sleeping, coma, than he is dying in peace, that must a little, be a comfort to you. Remember self care too!!!!!. Hugs, big big ones

GailJ

Holy Molly, You talking about your dad, and bringing back the memories for me too. Then someone sends me a video while I'm posting you. It's of a spring break for a scrawny brit. But it was filmed in FLA where I lived with dad and mum in my 11th grade year. The hotel in the background, My dad and I got a job cleaning and the beach in th vid very near where we lived. My dad and I closest we ever were in spirit. Here's the link.

http://www.kayvontv.com/watch/40/kay...ak-in-florida/

Funny I was going to post a service rememberance for him his week too.

There is devine influence........

scarlati

Wow. That was a REALLY nice looking hotel.

GailJ

Yeah we needed the money, the government kept ending my dad's pension to Panama Ciy Panama,instead of FLA. Would take us weeks to reclaim the money.
I lived a year there, my parents two. Georgeous beach, the video doesn't do it justice at all. Still good memories are good memories. I havn't many yet that is one.
LOL. Looking for dad's pic now. Had to corn boom the sand out of the rooms, owners too cheap to buy a vacuum....one of my first jobs, I was 15

GailJ

Damn It, I've lost the pic, was on my last computer, lost with the crash, now have to see who scammed the original. Maybe in my Tractor Site archives. If I still have that link. Ugggggggg.

Sorry Lil this is your thread and took off on a memory tangent. will post any else on my dad on the changing frame of mind thread. Hope you have a good rest tonight. Will be checking.

Lilya

Hi,

My father´s condition is worse, so I expect him to leave us soon.

I´m still strangely calm and serene. The day before yesterday I did cry a lot in my car and I was crying because I felt the last ties to my youth and childhood was gone with my father, somehow.

I think a lot about my youth. And I feel it´s such a shame I drank it away instead of being a normal, healthy young girl. I think of the worries I caused my father, but when it overwhelms me, I think of the loving relationship we have shared for so long.

Don´t worry about remembering your father on my thread, Gail. I´m sure my news trigger a reaction. All my friends think about the death of their parents and those who haven´t lost their parents are aware that it is a privilege to have them and life passes before you know it.

It reminds me of a Woody Allen film I saw some years ago. In it, Kenneth Branagh goes to a hight school reunion and sees all the people he knew at school older and matured. He says: "One blink, and you´re watching movies with a senior citizen´s pass. Don´t ask for whom the bells tolled, ask who flushed the toilet".

True!

I´m going swimming today. I need a break from the hospital.

Love and light,

Lilya

Since my father´s passing, I haven´t been able to sleep. I haven´t forgotten how self-care is important and I´m trying to go swimming every other day and do yoga or oriental dance.

I had no idea how difficult it is. The strain is incredible. We are organizing the funeral now and bringing all our family members home from all over the world. It´s totally crazy. My sibling´s kids are all over the place while we try to talk to the priest and family members keep coming in from long flights. Everybody is talking and eating and I love them, but it´s exhausting.

When I sit down at nights and everything is quiet, I can actually hear my heart beating like it´s doing overtime.

Plumbers and electricians have been working on the heating system at my place and I keep rushing home from work or from my family to oversee their work.

The heating system is now in perfect order, but the bill is huge and both my estate lawyer and real estate agent will be contacting the previous owner who sold me the place under false pretense to pay the bill. We´ll see about that next week.

I wonder what I should do to now to get some sleep. If you know of anything, please let me know.

Love and light,

scarlati

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Maybe you should see your doctor about getting something to help you sleep. There are also some over the counter products like melatonin suppliments that are supposed to be really good. I've never used them but my brother took melatonin for a while and said it was really helpful for sleeping.

Lilya

Thanks, Scarlati.

I did ask my doctor for something to help me sleep and he prescribed non addictive medication. I have some Melatonin I bought in New York, so I tried that.

How many tablet does your brother recommend? I took two, but same story: I woke up in the middle of the night after a nightmare thinking of dad, my daughter, my family and the funeral.

Love and light,

scarlati

If your doctor gave you something for sleep you probably shouldn't take the melatonin with it. Just take what the doc gave you.

Lilya

I asked my pharmacien and he told me it´s Ok to take mélatonine with the meds I´m taking. My sister is going to take a few herself. Nobody is sleeping, we are all so tense.

Now my washing machine broke down. I suspect one of the plumbers did it, but I cannot really accuse him with something like that. I have to get it fixed...

I am laughing as I write this. What is a broken washing maching compared to losing my father? It´s just the strain keeps building up.

We are buying the flowers, arranging catering and getting everything ready for the funeral on Wednesday.

Went swimming, though, and it felt great. Self-care is so important.

Love and light,

scarlati

When it rains, it pours.

It's probably just a coincidence about the washer, though. I don't know a lot about them but I think most of the important stuff is down inside the machine, under the tub. It takes some work to get to them, I think, so I think if a vindictive repairman were out to get you he'd probably find an easier way than sabotaging your washer. It is possible, though, that they had to shut off electricity to part of your house and just forgot to turn it back on when they were done. Do you know if the washer has any power going to it?

Lilya

I asked one of the plumber guys to check it and get it going. He knew I was accusing him, really, and did it reluctantly. He then banged on it and said it was broken "at the top", not under, but said also he didn´t know anything about washing machines. He told me to get a "washing machine fixer" for that.

Is it "uncool" for men to fix washing machines? Sounded like that from this guy.

All the pipework seems to be fine, so I just have to accept that my machine is broken and after the funeral, I´ll deal with that. In the meantime, my neighbour invites me to use her machine. We share a laundry room.

One day at a time...

May good things come soon...

Love and light,

scarlati

Yeah, just use your neighbor's machine for now, and after the funeral and everything get someone to look at your washer and tell him you think the damage might have been deliberate and see what he says. It's probably just a worn out motor or belt or something, but it never hurts to have a 2nd opinion.

GailJ

Your such an inspiration in strength and courage Lil, really you are.......

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Your washer....Could be the cycle dial wore out on your machine, electrical short??? Or might be the lid closer sensor. It happens. Is it doing anything at all. Noises, humming, how's the dial feel when you turn it. Turning counter clockwise and turning superfast breaks the control dials faster than anything. Post what it's doing and I'll ask my hubby McIver. He can fix anything. Exept coming to France to fix yours LOL. He's a millwright with electrical certification. Could lead you in the right direction though.....if I tell him the symptoms.

Once I washed a pair or coveralls of hubbys with a drywall screw in the pocket, during he wash it sliped out. jammed into one of the holes in the drum and completely cu the water retaining drum in half during the spin cycle....He miraculously fixed it Needless to say I never forget to check the pockets now
Missed you guys, glad to be back.

Lilya

Hi everyone and hello Gail, nice to have you back!

The funeral is over and I´m taking a quiet moment to just digest how difficult it was.

It´s one of the most difficult and stressful things I´ve done, but in a strange way, it was healing as well, because it felt like a natural flow of life. Death is so much a part of life. I know this is not exactly original, but it felt true in my case.

I did cry a lot and we spent the day together, the whole family, and it felt good.

When I checked my mailbox, I saw something that made me very, very angry. So angry, I cannot even describe what I want to do.

I´ve shared that two years ago, an elderly man, who still has a lot of power in the government, a retired politcal person, harassed me for a long time. I went through all the proper channels to report him and did. Now I wish I had not done it.

I wish I had done differently and gone through different channels. This man used the death of my father, who was a public figure, to send me a message of condoléance, and to add that he still "loves" me, and will never stop doing so. I´m so afraid he will use the opportunity to get back into my life and no matter what I do, he will never stop.

This is really hard. And I really miss my dad. He used to defend me and give me good advice regarding problems like these when he wasn´t so ill. I didn´t tell him about recent harrassement, just to spare him.

I´m struggling with taking one hour at a time, but it´s good to know you´re here.

Gail, really glad you´re back. Listen, I will buy a washing machine tomorrow. Hopefully I´ll feel better then. I´m going back to my folks and spend some time with my cousins.

Love and light,

Introvrtd1

So sorry Lil,

Will offer prayers for you and family.

Intro