Ken33xx

What is his objection to you attending smaller meeting?

And what does he mean by exerting your own will?

Can't you disagree without him getting upset?

SolidKarma

Well, i'm embarrassed to say but I was really upset with how he was acting. I felt more like I was talking to a drill sergeant rather then someone who wants to help me. He said if I was going to argue about the suggestions he made, then I should find another sponsor.

The thing is, I hadn't talked to him in months and I was just trying to express my feelings and fears about 'particular' meetings. He didn't see it like that.

By exerting my own will, I mean this: in AA, at least my experience, a huge theme is living off self-will rather then your higher powers will. Thus, me saying "I would rather not attend certain meetings, and attend ones I am comfortable with" is me living in self-will.

However i've decided that we probably aren't a good fit anymore, and so i'll be looking for a new sponsor in the upcoming week, and begin the steps.

Ken33xx

I heard a fellow once say he was at a dinner party and out of the blue he picked up a drink after two years. He explained he had a sponsor, worked the steps and active in the fellowship. That was his experience. O.k. Not for me to say otherwise.

However, I believe in most instances a relapse doesn't occur out of the blue. Other factors were in play which caused the person to "forget" drinking isn't a good idea.

Which is why I don't take sobriety for granted. When I was new in AA a fellow with 30 plus years told me, "Those who stay sober are those who appreciate their sobriety."

Never forgot that.

Ken33xx

Perhaps that's for the best.

Ken33xx

In that case maybe tell him you've prayed on it and your HP has brought to light a change is in order.

Try and leave on a positive note assuming that is possible.

Dee74

sounds like you're convinced that life without some kind of escape is an ordeal and the sober time you had pretty much confirmed that belief for you.

I had to think pretty deeply about my definition of happiness.

I had to accept that it's not realistic to always be happy - I think most of us had to go through that.

But I had to go through something else as well.

I also had to deal with the idea that happiness is not something to be scared of.

Happiness unnerved me because it felt unfamiliar, it felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes and it felt like I would be outed as a fraud any minute.

It also occurred to me I'd be called on to do much more in my life as a sober guy than a drunk one and that terrified me as well.

I had little no idea of stress relief or relaxation beyond getting blitzed.

I had no idea of balance other than to periodically knock myself out.

were maybe some of these ideas or feelings in play for you too, SK?

D

SolidKarma

I wouldn't say convinced. At this point i'm trying to keep an open mind about everything. I have see so many examples of people with sober time, such as yourself, who have what I want. Right now I am convinced that alcohol will always bring me further from my potential, and will always result in my life getting worse. I do admit I need to do some serious work, with a sponsor or therapist, in regards to my cannabis and psychedelic history.

I can relate to t his a little, but it's sort of the opposite. I have a huge amount of guilt and shame that I simply haven't been able to FORCE myself to be a more productive person in this world. But I am not scared of it, i'm wishing for the day I can find the power to be that person.

Absolutely. I think I relate to this last part the most. Definitely stress. I used substance whenever life demanded me to address a stressful obstacle. Like you said, when I was sober and began facing those fears without drugs, it felt great! When I am in my active using (drinking / smoking pot daily) then yes for sure there was no balance! I at **** for food, had a poor diet, did next to nothing productive, and the only balance I could find was to drink and use more.

That's the crazy thing about my experience with the disease. This relapse, tbh, was super fun for a few months! I loved the effect. But I get dependent so quick, that the only reason i'm drinking over the past month is to a.) not feel like i'm dying, b.) to block all of the million things racing through my head about how I am lazy, selfish, and a bad person, the debt i've accumulated, people i've hurt. To large extent that was true, but I do know that I have the potential to be a better person, if I am sober.

Thanks again for the support Dee. You are really making me think hard about how I can approach this new journey differently. I feel like I learned so much during this relapse.

SolidKarma

Anyway, last update for the night:

I am actually in awe right now. I feel like a new person as these meds i'm taking are allowing me to do things I haven't been able to do in months (make a healthy dinner, I stretched before bed tonight, and generally feel so much more motivated than before)

And I have ZERO desire to drink or smoke. I'm quite shocked at this.

I know this is because the meds are preventing the withdraw symptoms, however I am also wondering if there is a mental health component to this which was causing me so much struggles, when I was SOBER!

I'm nervous about tomorrow, as midnight tonight will be the 24 hour mark. I'm expecting the next several days to be a roller coaster, and I hope to make it through sober so I can begin my journey substance free.

BullDog777

This sounds familiar.....

I have almost no doubt that you were probably prescribed a benzo classed drug. They have been the detox drug of choice for more than 50 years.

They are also an anti-anxiety medication.

This medication allowing you to feel like a "new person" is also a double edged sword.

It is every bit as addictive as booze is. The withdrawal is just as bad but it lasts a whole lot longer if a physical dependence develops.

This was the warning I told you about earlier. Be careful.

Glad you feel better.

Gottalife

Glad you are feeling better, and I don’t want to rain on your parade so I’ll just comment on one aspect of this post.

The struggles you were having when sober could possibly be due to alcoholism. If you notice, the entire 12 step program is about how to live sober, without the need to drink. The big book emphasizes that the main problem is in the mind, which is why we couldn’t stay sober. The fourth step really highlights shortcomings in sobriety , how selfish instinctual behaviour puts us off side with the world, making us restless, irritable and discontent until we drink again.

You mentioned beginning the steps in one post, and working closely with your popper sponsor in another. Did that mean that the work with your popper sponsor did not include the steps?
.

We recover by the steps we take, not the meetings we make seems to have been true in my experience.

Lpg

Morning soildk,

I'm glad your feeling better, and I know you have your meds rn but it will keep getting better too. All those things you did tonight you can have every night and you will be ever so grateful for them. Solidk try the gratitude lists forum here also, I don't know why but when I'm feeling uneasy about my soberity I head over to the gratitude list and read and post it makes me feel calm and realise all the great things about my new sober life. Stick to your guns you got this, post here plenty and keep us updated. Wish you all the best.

Sassy sorry I read it the other way. My apologies, quick to react hold me hands up it's part of things I'm working on. Hope no offence caused. 🌸

Dee74

I had a little bit of help with counselling - mainly to do with negative self talk.

Moving on from guilt and regret I found easier in the end. I made amends for what I could and the rest I turned into a kind of living amends.

I found if I was focusing on each new day and what I could do with it )no mountainous goals, all very reasonable) I instantly had less time to get stuck in a loop about the past.

I still focus on today. Yesterday is gone and no matter how much I'd like to change some of it, thats simply not an option open to me.

I put together a long list of links for a whole lot of new balance and respite skills I had to learn and perfect in recovery.

I had a quick look - I don;t think any of the links are outdated but even if a few are there's still enough here to start one thinking I think?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-respite.html (Relief and Respite)

D

BullDog777

I love this line. It's something everyone of us needs to remember.

August252015

For lpg - this jumped out at me - holiday plans?? My cautious, sobriety-first mindset worries when folks in early sobriety (I forget how long you have) - and by early I mean first 6 mo, maybe longer- do things like that at all, or when feeling shaky or....

And I recently got the Russell Brand book. I am not a big fan, but it's a cool translation, if you will, of AA/12 steps and it is useful for the non-AA, non-NA restaurant industry recovery group I lead.

Back to the OP - SK, I too have a drug regimen, including use of a benzo for my anxiety (I am 890 days sober today) and am well-supervised and accountable about taking it correctly. Meds can sure help some of us, like me, but they will not keep me in recovery; they are just one set of tools I use. No pill cures us and some people can't take them at all, and some pills are truly meant for short term. That plan building for other tools and practices - my plan is AA- is what matters most.

Best to you.

SolidKarma

Thanks again for the support since my last post.

I don't want this thread to be a promotion of home detox in anyway, and I would strongly urge anyone to ONLY consult a doctor about such matters.

However I will say that one of the medications is a benzo, albeit a very low dose. I've had plenty experience with these meds, both recreationally and via prescription from a doctor. But the bottom line is it's NECESSARY to have this be part of the meds in order to safely detox form alcohol.

I'm very mindful of the potential for addiction, and spoke to my PC doctor about this. There is no way I will be prescribed benzos beyond what's needed for this detox.

Thus, I will continue taking the prescribed medications as directed, and if I feel like i'm unable to control my intake, I will seek medical attention.

Update: Last night was very positive. Like I said I stretched for the first time in a while before bed, and then I even started reading a book while falling asleep, opposed to watching netflix.

I did wake up feeling a little 'off' which I am not sure whether it's because of the withdraw symptoms of both cannabis and alcohol, or also the residual effects of the meds I took last night. Either way, my blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate are all normal.

I spent the first part of the morning reading spiritual materials, and then did some meditation, ate breakfast and then took my meds.

I feel very 'spacey' and so I am hoping I can make it to a meeting.

I'll update as the day goes on.

Lastly, I want to mention here about my AA program because it seems to be a common theme from peoples responses.

I have worked steps 1-7 with my sponsor, and that's when I stopped. So I do have the upmost intention of getting a new sponsor and starting my step work again.

Thanks fam!

tomsteve

reads like a good idea,SK. personally i dont see what meetings you attend as being self will. i see it as yer HP guiding you where he wants you to be.

kinda strange for a sponsor to offer suggestions then get upset that the suggestions arent taken.
no reason to be embarrassed about it- its reads like controlling behavior by the sponsor.

Lpg

August yes holiday has been a challenge, there's been a few tears. Plodding through its getting easier as the days go on. I'm here for another 6 days. we booked this holiday last year before I quit or I wouldn't be here. I'm 7mo and a half sober, keep waiting on this awakening happening for me but I know over time it will come I just have to keep working. I need to find a sponsor when I'm home I just don't know how to go about asking.

August252015

I might have missed an answer or elaboration - but did I read above that someone's take on or understanding of AA was that it is based on self-will? This is pretty much the antithesis of how I work and have been taught the program- getting away from the I, looking for direction from whatever our HP is...and so on.

Could that be clarified by anyone?

NYCDoglvr

It's the reason I keep going to meetings, calling my sponsor and doing the steps. I have a built-in "forgetter". The chief enablers of alcoholism are denial and rationalization and they sit on my shoulder whispering in my ears after 26 years.

Ok, so you did some research. I promise that no one will look down on you at meetings, just start going to as many as possible. Your experience can help others who are flirting with a slip. Sooooo glad you made it back.

SolidKarma

Hi there. I'm so sorry, I did word my statement incorrectly.

What I meant is a main principle of AA is to STAY out of self-will, and focus on your HP will. "Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our problem" Big Book

I hope that clarifies some things.