Relapsed after a year...
 

Hello there,

It's been very difficult to come back here and admit I relapsed after almost a year sober. I called my sponsor today to talk, and told him I am extremely uncomfortable to attend some of the regular meetings I used to attend, and asked if I could start out with some smaller ones that I am more comfortable with.

He told me that I was arguing and trying to exert my own will. I see what he's saying, but honestly what's wrong with starting out with meetings that I actually can get myself to go to?

Anyway, I am physically dependent on alcohol right now, and I am considering detox if need be. However I am not sure if my insurance will cover it.

Thus, starting today I am going to wean off, and I want to use this as a way to hold myself accountable.

I know the risks and If things get bad i'll definitely seek medical attention.

Thanks for listening

Dang. Why? Why did you pick up? How in the world did you convince yourself to actually pick up and think it was going to be ok?

Ill have a year in september and I know with certainty that if I drank I'd just go right back to the bottom barrel alcoholism I had before. I know that.

How did you stop knowing that?

Best to you. It can happen to anyone, relapse that is. There's nothing I can tell you that you probably haven't heard before. Just wanted to wish you well.

Cause i'm an alcoholic and I love to get high.

I didn't stop knowing it. I hope you never experience this.

Thank you, your words mean so much right now.

I haven't experienced it after a year, but I have countless times before after varying amounts of sober time.

Maybe the goal is to stop seeing the high as something you love.

At this point the best thing you can do is dust yourself off and get sober again. I don't see why you can't attend the meetings you're more comfortable with.

sorry to get testy. I'm an alcoholic myself and my biggest dream is to never pickup again....coming up on a year too.

I never stopped knowing that. My nose was rubbed in it frequently. The trouble was I kinda forgot. The facts of my experience, at certain times, did not come to mind with sufficient force to save me, they were easily overcome by the old obsession that this time would be different. I got nailed like this so many times, sometimes after weeks sober (rare) more commonly within hours of the last disaster. A lot of times there was no thought at all. Kind people might say I wasn't thinking straight but, in light of the evidence, at that moment the truth was I was completely insane.

I lost the power of choice in drink and I never got it back. I worked the steps of AA and as the tenth step promises claimed, I was put in a porition of neutrality, safe and protected with no need to be making any choice about alcohol as the problem had been removed. I only did that when I fully understood and accepted all the implications of step one. Until that happened, I didn't really see the need to do much other than go to meetings.

Now I think any alcoholic who fully understands step one would have the rest of the steps done yesterday.

Best wishes Solid Karma. I hope your sponsor will help you through this difficult time. If I was you I wouldn't let anyone get between me and a meeting, and knowing what I know now, I would be going to a big book study.

hold on- im an alcoholic and love to get high but i didint drink. why is that?
maybe because what you say isnt the real reason.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.


an alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot.


go to the small meetings! ive always like small meetings myself.

Just saying welcome back and keep posting. I am sorry you relapsed but glad you are getting sober again.

I'm glad you made it back SK.

There's some good advice in this thread.

'I'm an alcoholic and I love to get high' is a pretty handy generic 'don't ask me any more questions' kind of response but as TS says there's several hundred of us here for whom that used to hold true...but it doesn't anymore, no matter what.

sometimes you gotta pee;l back the layers of the onion a bit and get to what went wrong and why.

There is life after addiction and the door is open to anyone who wants to walk through it :)

You're lucky - you have the opportunity to write a chapter 2 :)

D

I was on the revolving door for a long time. Far too long. I think the longest I ever stayed sober was about a year, maybe a little more before I relapsed.

This last time, I really almost lost my life. Everything was spelled out in front of me and there was no more -"Well....maybe one more time."

I wouldn't survive it.

Looking back...I think the only thing that is different now as opposed to when I was trying to get sober all those other times was this time, I absolutely with out a doubt, believed I wouldn't survive another detox.

I think the rest of my program got better and a lot more honest when I just finally let go.

I can't speak for anyone else, but just for me....until I truly accepted that I was powerless, I'd never be able to stay sober. Well, what does that mean for me?
It meant that I'd keep relapsing and eventually die trying to convince myself I had another binge or bender in me.

I think what is a little bit confusing to people about the first step is the enormity of the wording ...by this time they know they are powerless and their life has become unmanageable....but that was a bit too broad and ok for me.

For me... it needed to be worded stronger....I was ok with unmanageable most of the time. What it needed to stay was I was powerless and I was dying and it would never get better until I stayed sober. That s#it made perfect sense to me.

So of course AA isn't the only way or path. Still, no matter who you are there has to be a recognition that beyond a shadow of a doubt....life will never be OK or much worth showing up for until we take the step to live a life that's sober. And believe that more than anything, that beats the hell out of living with the obsession of simply wanting to exist drunk.

Until I got that....it was like banging my head into a brick wall day after day after day.

I don't know what life is going to give me. I won't say I'll never drink again. I will say if I do -it'll probably mean I'm done being here, and it'll probably be a form of suicide. That I know for sure. That's the realization I never had before.

Let's face it folks....Sobriety is the easier way. The early days are hard....hell...the first year for me was tough...the first 15 months were still rocky...

But almost 2 and a half years in...life is absolutely beautiful. If I had a wish to give the fellow sufferer it would be one day in my shoes with how I feel now. This is all worth it.

Glad you made it back SK. Please remember...every time we go out...time gets that much harder to get back. That's the devilishness to this illness..it keeps telling you that you always have one more go at this. But it's not true.... Not everybody gets to come back.

sorry you're having a tough time SK. I relapsed after six years sober & stayed out for another eight years, so don't do what I did!

I'm not an AA person, so I'm not going to comment on you're sponsor's advice, but I hope you can get whatever help you need to get sober - it doesn't get any easier the longer you stay out.

If you're physically dependent, I hope you can get help with detox rather than having to taper yourself off, as it's safer & a lot less unpleasant!

hang in there & do whatever you need to to stop drinking :)

I did the exact same thing at 367 days. Argh. Struggling with stopping. Good advice here though! You aren’t alone!

I'll be direct and get straight to the point SolidKarma. I was in and out of AA for over 20 years, put together long stretches of sober time, but I kept relapsing until I actually worked the steps. The fellowship (meetings) are an important part of AA but they never kept me sober, especially when I faced difficult times in my life. The fellowship is there to compliment the program...to lend support in the beginning and as an avenue to be of service to other alcoholics once we have recovered ourselves. The 12 steps is the actual program of recovery that produces lasting sobriety.

Has your sponsor encouraged you to work the steps? If so now is the time to get started on them. If he hasn't then you need to find a sponsor that will.

As far as detox, I had no medical insurance when I got sober in 2013. I made an appointment with my GP (family doctor) and came clean about how bad my drinking was and my desire to get sober. He knew I didn't have insurance and set up a home detox plan. Not sure if that's an option for you but it worked for me. It required I that I be rigorously honest with him and strictly follow his instructions.

Thanks for the support.

I was being sarcastic when I said "i'm an alcoholic and I love to get high" because in all honesty I don't have a real answer to that question. Why did I do it? Because I love to be intoxicated. There wasn't anything special or a triggering event.

I simply went back home to CO for Christmas and decided to buy some legal pot there. That was the beginning of the end of my sobriety. It was only a few months after that I had my first drink. Why?

Well I was paid by Heineken to create an add for them. So I was going to purchase a single bottle to take photos of, and of course I couldn't only find a six pack. I brought it home and couldn't resist drinking.

Things escalated quick, and I've been daily drinking for over 3 weeks now.

You are a genius! I'm actually on my way to my primary care right now to see if he can help me with an at home detox plan.

I'll update you guys!:thanks

This is a great thing for a lot of still suffering people who desperately need to medically detox.

I used it myself.

Hundreds of times.

I ended up doctor shopping because I got addicted to the withdrawal meds.

I was like a walking garbage can with good intentions.

Please please be careful with this method.

Please let me be clear. I do think it's wonderful ...no sarcasm there....I'm just a walking F'ing poster boy for what not to do.

Good luck, I hope you get what you need. Please stay here and update us and allow us to be a part of your sobriety journey.

Glad you made it back.

As far as meetings, I think the phrase I was told early on "go to meetings - go when you want to go, go when you don't, just go" applies. Perhaps your sponsor feels you should have "accountability" or such to your former group, and sure that might be good - but not wanting to go to that meeting absolutely does NOT have to be a barrier to going at all.

I hope you have a VERY structured taper or a well instructed detox for home if you're going that route. Would your sponsor or a friend be able to assist?

Also....I'd respectfully submit that your relapse didn't start when you actually bought the pot. IME, and as I hear many times- I'm either getting closer to a drink, or closer to a relapse, with every choice I make. Something was going on before you got to CO - if you can retrace your last six months sober, say, what was going on? Were you still working the steps? Communicating with your sponsor? Going to meetings (and enough)?

Those are the things I continue to be vigilant about because I want to do every single thing I can to bolster my recovery - I too am one who has zero chances left if I ever drink again.

You got another chance- you can make it stick for good this time. There might not be another one.

Yeah I agree 100% BD, that's why I added that caveat at the end. Luckily I had a good relationship with my GP over several years (including my heart surgery for an aortic aneurysm in 2011) and he trusted me. I could also tell he was offering me a one time deal and if I abused it he would no longer be my doctor.

It's a long story but I was on COBRA insurance when they first detected the aneurysm but they felt it was "too small" to do surgery at the time. Then my COBRA ran out. Then the aneurysm started growing rapidly. Then I qualified for "emergency" hardship (through the hospital) that covered my heart surgery. Then about a year later I lost that status. Then I got sober. Then I qualified for long-term disability through medicare. All of that happened within a 3 year period LUL.

Imho pot is a "gateway drug" for alkies...right back to alcoholism.

It played a hand in my last relapse.