SolidKarma

Thank you!

So I just got back from my first meeting in MONTHS, and it felt so good. I cried a little, but was met with amazing support.

Note: I went to a small meeting that I felt comfortable going to. This gives me hope that I need to follow my HP path, and for now whatever meeting I can get myself to attend, is the meeting for me.

MindfulMan

Self-detox with Librium from my PCP didn't work. I lightly drank when it didn't quite kill the withdrawals, and ended up worse than where I started. From what I understand, this isn't uncommon. Benzo tapers are best done in a controlled environment, if possible. That being said, it can work, and I hope it is working for you SK.

Perhaps AA alone isn't cutting it for you. Have you looked into other recovery options as an adjunct (NOT a replacement)? In the midst of detox probably ain't the best time to do a course change, but keep an open mind. In the end, the recovery method itself doesn't matter. What does is that you stop doing that hand to mouth exercise with a glass of booze. Permanently.

The sponsor does sound like a bad fit, but I have known people who have used being unable to find the "right" sponsor as an reason to relapse. Recovery hopping is another. Finding the "right" meeting or the "right" method. It's "right" when you stop doing it.

SolidKarma

It's cool guys, no hard feelings here.

I should also mention that I did this EXACT same, at home detox before, earlty 2017 and it was effective. I was able to use the meds as prescribed, and then when it ended I didn't need to drink or use any meds after that.

I'm hopeful I find the same results this time, but like I said, I'm not opposed to seeking further medical attention if needed.

Also, I am definitely seeking other treatment methods along with AA. Dee has been a huge help, and I am going to meet with a drug and alcohol counselor at my school on monday and hopefully can find a therapist who has experience in addiction.

ScottFromWI

Folks, as Dee mentioned earlier let’s keep our comments on topic and avoid personal attacks/comments. Fighting amongst ourselves helps no one, posts have been removed as well.

MindfulMan

I have one of those. It's AWESOME.

Dee is always a huge help. He's my hero.

Marcutah1

SK you got knocked down but not out. You already know what to do and it sounds like you are getting out in front of it. I myself would go back to the original meetings and come clean. I believe their support will mean more in the long run. When I sat down and talked to my wife about what she already knew it still felt liberating to tell her.

SolidKarma

I always thought Dee was a woman, and kinda had a crush on her.

SolidKarma

No, you are totally right. I have a lot of shame and guilt, specifically about one meeting where I had a service position, and then bailed. I did have a backup person who I talked with, and he agreed to take over. But still, I know I need to go back to those meetings, make some amends, and I fully intend to do that.

I need a new sponsor to discuss this stuff with. Right now my priority is to stay sober, find a sponsor and attend meetings, post here, and develop a plan of action to start a new life without drugs or alcohol.

SolidKarma

Sorry for a new post so soon, but tonight I am feeling a little blah.

I've been taking my meds as described, and luckily haven't experienced much withdraw symptoms. But i'm scared because i've learned they can be the worst on days 3-5.

Anyway, I plan on going to a meeting tomorrow at 9 am, I hope I can make it.

Thanks again for the love and support, you guys are my rock right now!

andyh

hang in there SK, you're doing great.

they give you enough to keep you physically safe, not enough to make you mentally warm & fuzzy, so feeling a bit meh is to be expected I'm afraid.

get some sleep & you should feel better for the meeting in the morning.

all the best & keep up the good work

August252015

SK - you probably already thought of this but have you consider approaching someone to be your Temporary Sponsor? That's a common thing in my AA circles here and it is a great idea to get you started on the steps and progressing, rather than "waiting" for [ detox to be done, etc- particularly if you should experience and PAWS after**. It also allows either of you to bow out if the relationship isn't working.

Gottalife

Hi SK. Hope all is going as well as it can. Let me make a novel suggestion.

In Doctor Bobs story we read about how he spent many hours with Bill on the evening they met. In this time he agreed to and took all the steps as they then were, except for the one about squaring things in the community, what we would have called step nine. This he refused to do because he thought it would damage his reputation and threaten his livelihood. He got drunk.

He took his ninth step the night after his last drink, disappeared for many hours doing the rounds of people he had harmed. He never drank again. He did not begin again, he finished what he started. It seems to be a theme in all the discussion in the book about helping folks who relapse.

Sure, there could be some doubt about whether step one has really been understood if work on the other steps remains incomplete. That was what the relapse taughtDr Bob.

In my experience it can often be a mistake to go back. Have you changed your mind about step 2 the choice of a program of recovery, have you changed your mind about your step 3 decision, do you think your new fourth step will reveal any new defects of character, did you hold back on step 5 ( if you didn’t it is unlikely a repeat will bring a repeat of the 5th step promises). I have seen a few people really disappointed that they did not get the wonderful experience post step five that they got the first time through. It’s not like a high that can be repeated at will. Have you still got your fourth step, are you still willing to have God take all that stuff away... ah, here we might find that the willingness disappeared when it came to making amends?

My suggestion is instead of starting again, why not finish what you started? It worked for Doctor Bob, so it could work for you.

SolidKarma

Oh man, what you said has resonated with me. But what should I do? I don't believe a sponsor will be okay with me starting where I left off.

Should I seek a sponsor who will? Because I don't think it's right for me to work them my self.

Please help!


UPDATE

This morning i'm definitely feeling my cannabis withdraw. I know many haven't experienced it, and many don't believe they exist, but it's real. I'm just trying to stay calm, and plan on attending a meeting ASAP.

Best,

August252015

Sorry if I missed this part- SK, are you dealing with stopping pot too?

SolidKarma

Hi there,

Yes, I haven't smoked or drank for 2 days now. Yesterday I gave all my pot to a good friend, so I have a fresh start.

Update:

I just got back from a meeting, and it felt great to be around people who understand what i'm going through. However I have to say my feelings are a little hurt. There were several people there who I have regularly seen at meetings before. Not close friends, but people I would normally socialize with.

I know this is my ego, but I was a little hurt that not one person came up to talk with me.

I see my part: I looked sad and down (which I am cause i feel like ****), and I didn't approach anyone else.

But this just reinforces the emotions that I have: i'm a failure, everyone judges me for relapsing, i'll never get sober so why bother, what's this kid doing here?

I doubt this is how people are thinking, but I just with I could have gotten a hug or some compassion.

BTW I did share that I relapsed, on day 2, and am struggling.

Gottalife

Hey SK what I suggest just comes from the Big Book, not any special insight on my part. I am still waiting to have my first original thought in AA.

If I was in the position to have the privilege of sponsoring you, we would have a bit of a talk about progress so far. Just share experience together, perhaps conduct the one review suggested after step five, see if we can find anything that has been missed. That could take an hour or two, then we can decide on the course of action that seems indicated by the book, perhaps reaffirming our resolve with the seventh step prayer, then into step 8.

That is because I work only from the book, and avoid adding in my own opinions. A lot of people in AA wouldn't follow that path, some because they have never done the work, some because they have never read the book, and some because they have got by on co-dependent relationships with meetings and over controlling sponsors.

I would suggest the person you need will probably not be found in mainstream AA. You will more likely find them at big book study meetings. These are no drama shows where the focus is on learning and applying the experience and knowledge found in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. More than likely there will be a Primary Purpose group somewhere near you. That is the sort of group that will provide what you need.

AA in New Zealand, where I am from, was founded by a man with the book. He not only worked the steps, but was two years sober before he found another alcoholic with whom he could start the first group. He had zero personal contact with recovered alcoholics, but he was able to find help and guidance on some issues through the community - medical and spiritual. That might have been the hard way, but then it was the only way at that time.

Today we are blessed with many meetings and groups, we don't have to do it alone, but we do have to do it.

SolidKarma

Hello, here is an update. More for me just to get some stuff out.

Today is day 2, because Sunday night while cleaning my room I found a some pot and couldn't help myself. Didn't get very high at all, and didn't enjoy it. But i'm trying to be as honest as possible. So, today is day 2.

I sat down with my sponsor yesterday for a good 1.5 hours, and I was able to express my feelings. He definitely was helpful, and is now more understanding. We are going to continue working together, and he is fine with me choosing smaller meetings that I feel more comfortable at.

Besides that, i'm still feeling 'weird' and it's not the 'spacey' feelings you get from the meds. I'm fearful that when I stop the meds i'll have withdraws still.

Hope you all are having a good day.

Dee74

I had trouble with pot too SK and I suggest you treat it like alcohol - avoid p;ace where you know it'll be, if you find some, toss it, or you're offered some, say no.

It's not going to help your mind or body heal any faster, in fact it's probably only gonna ****** that process.

D

Gottalife

Pot was instant disaster for me. I almost never touched it, but one time when I had been dry a while, I took a puff, it changed how I felt about drinking - perhaps I had been dry on fear that time - and a drink was down my neck in seconds.

On the other subject I heard a woman share at about six months sober, that as she was now pregnant, she was coming off the medication in the interests of the child.

She talked about how the medication had blocked the discomfort of early sobriety, making the first few months reasonably comfortable. She said, however, that she was disappointed to find she had not avoided the discomfort, only postponed it. All the pain and discomfort she should have felt in the first few months she was experiencing at 6 months. It seems some things cannot be avoided, they must be gone through.

SolidKarma

Yea i know pot isn't good. I feel like **** that I smoked.

Thanks