Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Alcoholism Information > Alcoholism
Reload this Page >

Stop, Start, Stop , Start.... just crazy that I cant......


Stop, Start, Stop , Start.... just crazy that I cant......

Old 06-09-2017, 09:53 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
badger257's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 793
Just wanted to say congrats! And I happen to like your "rambles" lol
badger257 is offline  
Old 06-11-2017, 08:38 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
Day 22 and Im not sure what happened but holy **** , either I went thru some crazy toxic dump but my body today is tired.

Or maybe its the fact that I garden my back yard (aka the Reagan Ranch) , painted a fence and installed 12 " high nets around the perimeter of the property. For 13 hr straight....
My usual Saturday would be doing about 1/3 of that cause Id start boozing at 1 or 2pm ......
The energy I have is amazing , maybe its not because Im not drinking BUT the fact that Im not drunk.

I spoke with my son and told him about the day I made the decision to stop because of how I treated him, and got all emotional , even typing this jerks emotions out of me.

I was such a idiot that day, and will always remember May 21.

Enough sappy stuff, time to go kick ass today, I hope all of you are doing well, the struggle is real, no doubt there, but the reward is much greater!

I found myself in such a short period of time ,I can wait to see what other things I discover living sober.

I do believe AA or some other form of treatment may be in my future , just not sure just yet,
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-11-2017, 02:52 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Dee74's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
Well done on day 22 Nula
Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-11-2017, 11:55 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 15
Your story sounds exactly like mine. I am stating on day 1 again of being sober. I had gone for several months and then convinced myself I could drink normally, which is definitely not true.

Reading all of your posts is helpful to me since it sounds exactly like my story. I hope to keep reading as you go on this journey.
Trying123 is offline  
Old 06-12-2017, 09:37 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
All of our stories are very similar.

We're fighting the same battles , whether or not its genetics or just a way of life that has slowly morphed into a problem for us.

Myself similar to many on here started alcohol at a young age, its wasnt a big deal in my house, my father would take two shot of some whiskey in the AM before work , then after breaking his back all day , he'd sit in his easy boy and toss back a few Lowenbrau's. I dont really every remember seeing him drunk, but as a kid , I dont know if you know what drunk is....

The issue (speaking about myself soley here) I have is that Ive stopped and started numerous times. And reading on here , many others have too and the same ******* thing happens when we get our confidence up we say to ourselves (or I say to myself) this time is different , I can just have one or 6 or 12, and be in control. We'll Im telling you that if I have to have that conversation with myself , then I know that nothing will change, unless I change , and choose sobriety.

Dont get me wrong , Im still going to be that "White Devil" as my distributors like to call me, cause I like to have fun regardless, BUT I know in my heart and soul that this Devil cant have the Devils fire water anymore

I've read some amazing things this weekend on here , we're all the same !!!

We are GREAT HUMAN BEINGS!! Unfortunately for some reason WE struggle a bit more than others with drinking , doesnt mean we're not good people or fun when we're hammered , it just means that we take it to volume 11 or we go into automatic mode and just drink till our bodies quit on us. Thats whats not Bueno!!
Recently Brandon wrote or checked back in on here and I liked hearing the whole way that he's now 5+ years sober (there's many stories that I like , his was just the last one I read) I like hear it , and I was cheering him on in my head the more I read too!

Alcohol is or Im hoping to say was a huge part of my life but to be honest Im having just as much fun or more without it. 3 weekends NO BEER , no hangovers, alot of energy, clear head and a 100 way of thinking that " If I Drink Again I Will Be Disappointed In Myself And Return To My Old Ways"

I have a big mouth, talk alot but Im just excited , everyone that posts on here inspires me!! I know for a fact that Im not alone now, that Im not the only person that has a weakness for booze .

I want to be like you guys that have buried this demon, deep in the ground , spit on its f$%cking grave and resent that monster for life because it rob me on truly living free. I will forget it hopefully, but thats years from now.

I can do it , if I choose too, or I will fail if I choose too...
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-13-2017, 01:40 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Done4today's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
congrats on 23 days. you have a lot of insight of alcoholism for being so early in recovery. I wish you lots of luck and many prayers.

FYI, resentments are the number one reason people relapse. Having a plan helps to cope with hard to deal with circumstances.
Done4today is offline  
Old 06-13-2017, 07:42 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
totally understand and I can see that about resentment!

BUT its also fueling the anger I have towards myself that I allowed alcohol to hold me back from truly living.

If I add up the days I got drunk during the week, its pretty pathetic, lets say 5 days a week I got a drunk or a good buzz, the other two days were hungover.

Thats 20 days out of 28 that I was living in this cloud , by myself. Obviously I worked and did dad stuff but from 6pm to 10pm each day I was alone in a can of coors light (many cans of coors light)

Now with this short period of time , Im slowly learning how to use this new found hours in my life, its strange cause alcohol filled that void, BUT I didnt have a void, I have kids, I have a wife , I go the whole world to fill that void, but Alcohol was my choice , and thats what I resent , regret and most importantly embarrassed about.

I think that if I relapse it will be similar to what everyone else has experience on here, The confidence that I can drink again, and something will be different this time! I just remind myself Id be going backwards again .......

I may sound angry , but Im not , its just a persona Im creating to battle this disease , Im actually a fun loving idiot that liked to party alot. Ive already made the decision to go for as long as I can.

All the stories lead to the same ending, we get disappointed in ourselves for relapsing. SR is a great example of what , why and how to avoid it , reading other stories on here is inspiring.

I wish everyone success with this battle, as a group a individual serves a purpose to that group, hence SR is our group and we all serve a purpose to motivate each other (which we are doing.... ) without a group , that individual is alone and its much harder to survive alone . Im not alone I have you guys and vice versa.

Hope everyone kicks some ass today!!
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-17-2017, 07:17 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
Day 28 and Happy to be here.....Almost at 30. Went on a quick turn and burn for work , drove 8 hrs, visited a few accounts , got a hotel , sat by the pool and then drove back home the next day.
Sitting by the pool in 111 degrees weather was temping, but didnt do it!! And at 8 pm instead of going to the main bar and having a few drinks and convo with the local village idiots, I went to safeway and bought 8 dollars in chocolate finished some work and was asleep by 845.
When I got back I went to a swim party at a friends home , hes a LA Fire Chief and recently lost 3 different people in his life, including his father. It was a tough atmosphere because thru all the laughs and convo there , I could feel the pain my friend was having and the temping to have a few beers with my bud was definitely strong but again I didnt do it. They asked why I wasnt drinking and I just said I needed a break, and that was it , nobody gives a **** if you drink really , its all in our head about what other people think in my opinion.
Im beginning to see that its about respecting my body and health more than anything else , Im not sure about you , but for me, if I can love myself enough to not destroy myself , then imagine how much more I can love my family and friends .
Alcohol as harmless as it is to others was grabbing me by the throat, forcing its way into my life year after year, and even when its not physically part of my daily ritual, I have moments of need...why I dont know, but that just because my disease is trying to get back into my life.
Screw that, now that I know I have a problem, I will stop at nothing to fix it.......
I have too.......
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-17-2017, 07:22 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
soberandhonest's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Great job Nula. You are kicking ass! Very inspiring. Keep it up.
soberandhonest is offline  
Old 06-18-2017, 07:59 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
Happy Father Days guys , hope you have a amazing day! Ive realized that maybe I might be doing something wrong. Similar to watching the clock at a slow day of work , counting my days of sobriety might be counter productive, maybe less time on reflecting on past and counting every day , to living more for the future and planning a bit farther ahead........

Im definitely staying active trust me I just want 300 days under my belt verse the 29-30 days Ive earned!!!!

Im so Impatience its pathetic.....also another pool party yesterday , have two kiddos busy schedules, actually watching people yesterday was pretty entertaining, they were having alot of fun and good for them, so Im NOT knocking anything....maybe except for a few dance moves I might have saw :0!!
No Rhythm =very entertaining.
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-18-2017, 04:17 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
Dee74's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
I think most of us can identify with that impatience Nula

but I found that the destination wasn't actually the thing at all - it was the journey that changed me and 'learned' me

Try to relax, let go of outcomes, and enjoy the journey

Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-18-2017, 06:21 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 48
I think the clock watching impatience basically cures itself as time goes by. When you're measuring days, another day is a major milestone. Then it becomes weeks then months.

At that point you're not checking in daily, adding another notch to the tally, and normal boring 'ol life takes over from the clock watching
RapidMan is offline  
Old 06-19-2017, 05:00 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hi Nula- happy Father's Day! Clearly your family does mean a lot to you and you must certainly be a better dad sober than you ever were before. And as a child of an alcoholic, kids can forgive a whole lot when real change is made.

What's your plan for your next 30 days and beyond? As an AAer, I am encouraged that you said you might consider it or another program. At 483 days (so 16 months is on 6/21), I will tell you without reservation that AA is my cornerstone, rock and path. And my life is pretty amazing, and certainly not something I would have thought I'd be like or have at nearly 41- and above all, it is REAL and it is one I have learned (through my journey, as Dee said) how to navigate more smoothly, peacefully and effectively.

Keep coming back! It keeps getting better with time.
August252015 is offline  
Old 06-19-2017, 07:38 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
understood and thanks you guys, today is day thirty and Im going for 6 months next.
AA will probably be in the future, just not sure yet. and to be honest Im not sure why I have reservation about going too, but I know it would only support the cause......
These next 30 days Im going to focus on incorporating more activity to my schedule, been playing scrimmages on Sunday with the boys . feels good to have the energy , or really just feels good to not be drunk and lazy, thats the real truth.
If I made thirty days , any one can, I never had the confidence in myself to do this and here I am, instead of taking a shower and thinking about drinking when I get off of work, I now plan my day accordingly and stay busy till late at night .
Staying sober for me is a second job, but the benefits are a healthier lifestyle, 100% coherent which means, no more silly mistakes like spending a few hundred dollars on Amazon, when I really didnt have the money to spend, etc......
In the last 30 days , NOTHING went wrong because I'm trying to stop drinking, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

SO IF YOU WANT A CHANGE ---TREAT YOURSELF---TO 30 DAYS OFF, I feel amazing right now , do I miss alcohol, yea I might always miss it I dont know , but I dont miss the hangovers, being tired and lack on self control.....

Happy Monday and thank you to each of you guys that have helped me , I owe you !!
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-19-2017, 09:20 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 11
Congratulations! You have no idea what an inspiration you have been to myself and many others, I am sure. It is your, It has been ___ amount of days and I feel so much better, that has been such a positive for me. Keep them coming!
Donardclimb is offline  
Old 06-20-2017, 08:02 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
Donardclimb, thanks bud! But too be honest , Im just on here, typing and regurgitating what I feel at the time, and to be honest it helping me- BIG TIME-.

I might be crazier than most , but I think since this is the internet, and theres this sense of "People dont know me" its easier to be 100 percent honest with how big of a tool I was before, or how bad my problem was......

It is amazing to think that I can never have another beer or cocktail and get all F%$k up again, totally sucks, I used to love getting lose and alittle out of control, BUT adding up the days of a week and how much I actually drank started to get a bit scary. On a Thurs-Sunday, Id put down a min of 40 beers, thats about 10 a day, thats about 10k in calories, not to mention whatever percentage of alcohol.

Id sweat at nights, sometimes my arms would go numb in my bed, a few times I woke up and I could tell my body was like "WTF is happenning to me". Aneixty on certain days, blah blah blah......I could tell that I needed to stop.

obviously what ultimately killed my buzz was the pure fact that I treated my child the way I did, May 21st will always be a day I will remember. If I could go back in time , I'd straight knock that Ahole out for treating his son the way he did, cause that wasnt me, it was some person that should never have showed up that day, Alcohol reared it ugly ass head and stuff I only saw in movies , actually happen in real life to my family.

I admit that most people dont see my drinking as a problem, they probably just like to be around a crazy serb, good times , etc...... but I live with myself on a 24 hr basis and I could tell , my body was telling me, my motivation was telling me, and most importantly my son, whos Nine now, after the hell I put him thru on May 21st......
As I was sitting in my office , thinking of another way to yell or scream at him , Mace came up behind me , hug me hard with a big kiss and apologized for something that wasn't even his fault.---

I need fixing , first thing was to stop the drinking, everything else will fall into place. SR is a great outlet for me, once again , talking to a computer or strangers is easier than talking to friends that dont get it.

I have a problem, I like booze , I cant manage it like I could , so Im making the decision to change , I have too......I will never take that chance again with my Son, my Daughter or my Wife.......or better yet WITH MYSELF.

I want to be a better person, and cutting out one thing Alcohol shouldnt be this hard, but it is, thats why I know it became a problem and had to be squashed....

Today and tomorrow , I'll be good and I hope everyone else is too....Together we can do this, and thank you for listening to my garbage.....
NulaMeansZero is offline  
Old 06-20-2017, 10:56 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I just read through your thread. Congrats on your sober time. More importantly congrats on the awareness that you have gained over this past month. With each post, I read more insight and more understanding of what alcohol was and is in your life. With each passing day you were able to see what alcohol was doing to you and how removing the alcohol only produced something positive.

I commend you for stepping up and realizing what was going on that day in regards to your son. It takes a lot of courage to admit when we are wrong. Please forgive yourself as I know that your son already has. Forgiveness is a hard thing when it comes to ourselves.

And....Sobriety is like a full time job. It becomes something different after awhile. I do not think of drinking often. The thoughts mainly come when I am hungry or overly stressed. I watch those thoughts. That is the only action that I take. Watching. After a minute or so my mind is onto something else more riveting and entertaining.

Keep moving forward and keep your resolve. You have an honesty about you that will help out a lot of people.
Mizzuno is offline  
Old 06-20-2017, 03:19 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Hi Nula. It really is amazing how good one feels after just 30 days! Drinking just saps one's vitality and zest for life. A good stretch of sobriety can seriously change the way one thinks about drinking. Feeling good feels good. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be healthy and how good sleep could be. Keep it up!
Wholesome is offline  
Old 06-21-2017, 01:44 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
bimbott's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Worcestershire, UK
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
It is not you they are concerned about. They are worried that if you get sober, they look bad. If you drink the same way they do, and you have a problem, they are gonna have to look at their own drinking. Far easier to try and pull you back down with them.
Absolutely. This is what I have come to realise from the reactions of some of my friends. Their own drink problems are being reflected back at them by my sobriety and it is not a comfortable experience for them.
bimbott is offline  
Old 06-21-2017, 07:16 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
oh trust me in this short period of time Ive not been invited to some events just cause Im not drinking, oh well! Probably just needed me to pay the tab. Theres also a group pf dads out here that are heavy drinkers and I havent heard from them since I mentioned I stop, could be in my head, but I dont care.

I am a little nervous about Fashion Week in NY Mid July, I'll have alot of pressure from my boss(s) to drink, last time I stopped for a few weeks, within minutes of entering my showroom in NYC, I was just about forced to do 6 shots of Makers to catch up with everyone, and I hate shots...
Ive already kinda hinted that "My doctor is doing blood work and I cant drink till September". Its foolish that I have to lie but I cant bail the group cause we function amazing as a team, but the first night and sales meetings are booze fest.

I'll cross that bridge when I get there, but I have to be very clever , one person in particular has a strong personality and might focus just on me because of the fact Im not drinking, and hes the head honcho, or it just might all be in my head like Ive been preaching and no one will give a ****, I sure hope thats the case...
NulaMeansZero is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:51 AM.