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Stop, Start, Stop , Start.... just crazy that I cant......

Old 06-21-2017, 09:13 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Hi Nula. I started reading your thread yesterday, and honestly, I kept expecting you to disappear, or post that you'd decided you were now convinced you could quit whenever you wanted to, so you were going to start drinking again. Because this is the pattern I have observed with the Alcoholic in my life.

I can't tell you how happy it made me to read your posts week after week, to see how you were not just hanging in there, but embracing sobriety and making life better for yourself, and especially for your children!

Whatever happens at the booze fest, if you have to lie to get out of it or whatever, please don't give up. You earn your living by the quality of the job you do, not by getting stupid drunk with people who are probably afraid to face up to their own problems. You can do it. And clearly everyone here will be sending positive vibes your way.
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Old 06-21-2017, 09:29 AM
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Keep on keeping on Nula! You are doing great!

I was down your way last week and took my youngest son to the San Diego Fair. Just like other events, going to the fair without sucking down a bunch of beers throughout the day made it better for me and way better for my kid. I won a couple of huge stuffed animals for him too, which made him feel like the coolest kid at the whole fair (and made me feel pretty cool too!). Most important, my focus was on him and his needs without the massive distraction of an addiction to alcohol, which altered the whole day from one that could have turned disastrous into something that we will all remember fondly.

As for your upcoming work event, you'll be fine if you have a plan (don't drink, constant reminders, emergency escape, etc.) and stay very vigilant to everything you can (and eventually will) lose by taking that first drink. For me, I've developed a mindset where I recognize how hard I've worked for my sobriety and there is no damn way that some person - any person - is going to take that from me. I own my sobriety and nothing anyone says or does will take it from me. In this life, there are many things that can be taken away by others, such as property or jobs or even life itself. But there are some things that cannot be taken by others. Things like integrity and hope can't be taken away, they can only be given away. I view sobriety as falling in that second category - only I can choose to give it away, nobody can take it, and I'll be damned if I give it away.
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Old 06-21-2017, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by soberandhonest View Post
In this life, there are many things that can be taken away by others, such as property or jobs or even life itself. But there are some things that cannot be taken by others. Things like integrity and hope can't be taken away, they can only be given away. I view sobriety as falling in that second category - only I can choose to give it away, nobody can take it, and I'll be damned if I give it away.
Thanks , your message rang deep a few weeks back about guarding my sobriety, and Ive been doing it everyday, you speak truth and I appreciate your comments.

Vijay--I keep expecting myself to give in as well, but Im pissed the **** off about the waste of a shell I was before, I was becoming a prisoner to booze, it was happen slowly might have taken 22 years (Im 42) but I could tell you that the next 22 years Im gonna live just like the same crazy lovable person I am WITHOUT alcohol.

I know just by this week alone on SR there been a few relapses and everyone is bummed , gets bummed, pissed , sad, regrets etc.......its a perfect example because we all know HOW the end of the story will end, BUT yet we and I will say we cause WE are all in this together still struggle with making the stupid choice to try drinking again....

Whether its a disease (which Im convinced it is) a physical thing or just a state of mind, I dont care,

I know that if I stay on the straight and narrow , great things will happen to me and my family, I will be healthier than I was yesterday , happier than I am today , and way more motivated tomorrow

I know if I drink, I know IN MY HEART that nothing will change, everything will go back to a Cool, Clouded way of life, A FAKE REALITY, and I will never live to my full potential --lying to myself daily that"Im the man"

I aint sh%t

Im just a regular guy BUT I am a PROUD Husband to a amazing wife that loves me, a PROUD Father of two fricking cool kids, their just awesome little humans and Im Proud of MYSELF and cant let everyone down, first and foremost myself.

SR is a huge tool in my life now, I visit as much as I can and absorb as much as I can on the daily, I love the fact that people share and care for each other but we dont know each other, like I cant shake a mans hand , look him in the eye and say thanks for caring, or hug someone and cry because I know now Im not alone and others struggle like I do.....

Ive realized that Im a Alcoholic and I have a problem......and I need help.

With that said , Im going to bang on some weights and clear my head.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:12 PM
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Hi Nula,

Just read through your thread, I'm glad you are doing so well. I was 45 when I got sober for good, it has been a year and a half since I had my last drink and life is so much better.

Keep up the great work, looking forward to seeing you on here!
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Old 06-22-2017, 02:41 PM
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[QUOTE=

I am a little nervous about Fashion Week in NY Mid July, I'll have alot of pressure from my boss(s) to drink, last time I stopped for a few weeks, within minutes of entering my showroom in NYC, I was just about forced to do 6 shots of Makers to catch up with everyone, and I hate shots...
Ive already kinda hinted that "My doctor is doing blood work and I cant drink till September". Its foolish that I have to lie but I cant bail the group cause we function amazing as a team, but the first night and sales meetings are booze fest.

I'll cross that bridge when I get there, but I have to be very clever , one person in particular has a strong personality and might focus just on me because of the fact Im not drinking, and hes the head honcho, or it just might all be in my head like Ive been preaching and no one will give a ****, I sure hope thats the case...[/QUOTE]

I believe honestly is the best policy........in most cases, lol! You have finally been honest with yourself, your wife, your kids, and your friends. That is commendable and a HUGE step, congratulations on your bravery.

However, I don't think there is anything wrong with arming yourself for the battle against the chest thumping, peer pressure pushing influences by telling a white lie. Blame it on your BP, border line diabetes, hypoglycemia, etc., who cares. You are using this "excuse" to better yourself, they don't need to know your personal business. It doesn't sound like these individuals have your best interest at heart because maybe it would make them face their own demons? Be true to those that you care about, you love, and you can hurt. Protect yourself from those that want to work on your weaknesses because of their own issues.
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:05 AM
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just finished 5 weeks without any booze, and Im very happy that I made the decision to stop.
In this short period of time , Ive lost about 7 lbs off my mid section, my face and body doesnt feel bloated and overall I feel amazing.

I crashed hard on my MTB yesterday and spent the day the morning in the ER I got a concussion and I got a 3rd degree separation of the shoulder, oh well Im in pain BUT I have a point .

I was kinda loopy from landing on my head and when the nurse asked me if I needed any pain medication, I said NO, I dont need that ****, and then I told her I even stopped drinking Im good , just some asprin.......then all the sudden I started crying uncontrollaby, I mean I was crying bad not cause of the pain but something snapped , maybe from landing on my head, or maybe the flood gates open from all the great emotions Ive bene thru in the last 5 weeks.

No doubt in my mind that I made the right decision to stop abusing alcohol, Im grateful that Im alive and sober.....Im proud to have made this decision and plan on staying sober for as long as I can....
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:15 AM
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Nula,
5 weeks is awesome!

The crash sounds rather painful and I hope that you will be okay without the assistance of medications.

As for the emotional part:
I would of cried as well. It could be the last 5 weeks or just the fact that you crashed on your bike and your shoulder was separated. Its good to let out those stored up emotions. Giving space in ourselves.

Im glad you are okay.
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Old 06-25-2017, 03:50 PM
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Sorry about the accident Nula - but glad you're ok
'grats on 5 weeks!
D
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:25 AM
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Great story Nula and thanks for sharing!
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Old 06-27-2017, 06:56 AM
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Wow! Just WOW! I have been reading your post Nula and tears are pouring. I feel like you plucked every emotion, thought, and feeling direct from my own brain.
I have "quit" so many times it's not even funny. I KNOW I have a problem but I guess I haven't (yet) had that moment that makes me step back and say never again. I want to stop, need to stop, but...
Reading your candor about your journey has been inspirational! I just need to take the leap with no more excuses - it's always after this party, after this event, Monday is the day. I'm sure everyone here can relate.
I'm amazed at all the willpower and strength of everyone here!
Congratulations to you!!! Keep up the amazing work that you are doing for yourself. I can't wait to be able to share my positive journey.
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Old 06-27-2017, 10:23 AM
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I havent had much to type but I wanted to check in, beside landing on my head and separating my shoulder and getting a concussion Im fine, super bummed that I got injured but sh%t happens , I just look at the bright side, Im alive and didnt break my neck. Its hard having my kids dress me but funny at the same time.......plus my friend and I keep laughing now thats its past, I'll be back on the bike soon enough.

As for drinking , for today its a after thought, I made another decision to stop thinking about it so much and eliminate myself from situations where alcohol may be and its working .....
Im trying to hardwire myself. In the beginning I was gun ho, now Im just living sober and couldnt be happier.

Its like a job and you have to work at it , it doesnt come easy but with time , the craving or should I say habits subside. Instead of automatically stopping on a evening after work and buy beer, I just go straight home and see what the family wants to do......

I did waste alot of time getting drunk the past many years and I know I cant return to that life, so Im trying to forget that old me and create a new stronger person........

Anyone can do it, you just need to want to do it....hope you guys are good!!
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Old 06-28-2017, 06:59 AM
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HAPPINESS FAIRY Dont wait, excuses were one of the easiest thing I could do to myself on the daily. I'll work out tomorrow, I'll take the trash can out tomorrow, I'LL QUIT DRINKING TOMORROW!
If at a moment you react when you think of something theres a much better chance you will do it......
I read so many stories on here, and thats so much motivation right there alone to quit.
I had too, I was a 100 % binge drinking , just to get wasted.
I didnt enjoy it , it was just automatic , well maybe I enjoyed the first 6 then after that , WHOO YAA, let s go party.

Being sober these last few weeks has been a amazing experience, and not one story on SR has been that Someone decided to drink again , had a great time and is getting sober, its all they decided to drink again , life went downhill fast and their back to square one (Ive been there a dozen time myself too)

I might eat more chocolate now which is strange , but booze is out of the picture....

No more excuses, stop drinking today, you'll cleanse your soul and start living right after trust me!
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Old 06-28-2017, 08:00 AM
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Glad to hear things are going so well NMZ. The chocolate/sweets thing is common...there's a lot of sugars/carbs ( empty ones ) in alcohol so our bodies do tend to crave them early on.
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Old 06-28-2017, 10:25 AM
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Ok that explains it...
I never really liked sweets but holy cow, Im a garbage disposal right now.
My next thing Im GOING TO TRY....and empazize try, is start a healthy diet , no more drive thrus, no more sugar , etc....

After my recent decision to try and get sober , and this freaking crash, Im realizing that my time on this planet is limited.....

42 yrs old isnt young and Im not old, Im right in the middle , and life can be pretty sweet if I play my cards right. Im 100% a Alcoholic and will not drink again , cause we all know that spells disaster , and I made the decision that in NYC in a few weeks , Im not gonna lie but Im also not going to drink , if the issue is brought up, I'll candid say "Im going thru some Sh&T and need a break, period.

This whole chocolate thing has to stop though, it came out of nowhere..another bad trait I recently got was Im very aware of how many drinks people have at parties, its like I count them....?
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Old 06-28-2017, 02:39 PM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by NulaMeansZero View Post
Ok that explains it...
I never really liked sweets but holy cow, Im a garbage disposal right now.
My next thing Im GOING TO TRY....and empazize try, is start a healthy diet , no more drive thrus, no more sugar , etc....

After my recent decision to try and get sober , and this freaking crash, Im realizing that my time on this planet is limited.....

42 yrs old isnt young and Im not old, Im right in the middle , and life can be pretty sweet if I play my cards right. Im 100% a Alcoholic and will not drink again , cause we all know that spells disaster , and I made the decision that in NYC in a few weeks , Im not gonna lie but Im also not going to drink , if the issue is brought up, I'll candid say "Im going thru some Sh&T and need a break, period.

This whole chocolate thing has to stop though, it came out of nowhere..another bad trait I recently got was Im very aware of how many drinks people have at parties, its like I count them....?
I sucked down Mt. Dew like it was water for 2 weeks after quitting. Would have probably been 3 weeks if I wasn't so sick the first week. Eventually I forced myself to drink an equal amount of water in between sodas then twice as much water and the bad habit wore down to a trickle.

Craving sugar is common after quitting drinking. I'm not really sure why but it's a definite side effect in many people.

Keep up the good fight and take it from a fellow mountain biker, I feel your pain there as well.

Keep on rockin' brother!
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Old 06-28-2017, 09:05 PM
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I love this thread. Inspiring, perceptive. and funny at times. Thanks Nula for sharing and providing some inspiration and solid ways to think about sobriety.
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Old 06-29-2017, 01:42 PM
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For me, this method worked, I verbally abused myself in the car when I was alone, I played the scenario with my son over and over, I basically beat myself into submission, I admitted to my wife and most importantly to myself that -Never again can this happen-Im not going to be some Piece Of Sh%t Dad , that yells at his kids because of his own short comings.....Ive never ever been like this, NEVER, it was the alcohol or it was the imbalance in my body, whatever it was , thats not coming back...and this above was just one thing that needed to change, I have many other wounds that need healing I guess..

Do I miss getting wasted in my backyard , ABSOLUTELY, but all of the positive things versus the negative thing just overpower it.

Im my own keeper now, I 100% know that if I think I can allow booze back into my life , Im personally just throwing everything away.........

I was so lucky to have abused like I did and have what I have.....

Is my story funny, of course Im a NUT, I don't think, I just react and write. Can we all relate in many ways, YES, I write to hope to get that Private message or that reply to know that Im not alone, I enjoy hearing from you and others that they can relate too, BUT I also like to hear that You, They and Me have a fu*king chance at rewriting the story for ourselves, its tough but I would never have gotten this far without SR.

Why , because maybe Im ashamed to go meet people at AA, maybe Im scared, maybe I feel like it wont work in a positive way for me, i dont know...but this site and everyone on here is super motivating, the veterans are extremely helpful, and us Rookies need this type of platform ...to help ourselves..
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Old 06-29-2017, 02:52 PM
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Rookie, my a$$, from my vantage point you stormed in here declared war and beat the crap out of IT. You won man, don't ever give the victory back, can't imagine you would.
You gotta quit falling off your literal bike , but you got everything you need to stay on that metaphoric wagon, keep truckin , enjoy those awesome little humans and the life you built, you deserve it
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Old 07-02-2017, 08:30 AM
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I got four days off and since Im a bit sore still and cant garden ( I have a amazing yard that I pride tending too) my mind is alittle out of control.

On Friday I did want to get into a different state of mind , I didnt want to drink BUT I want to get a body buzz or something......I was driving home in LA traffic and was like " Im going to get a pot browny tonight and enjoy melting into my couch and my shoulder will feel good and everything is going to be killer.........

I had a overwhelming urge to do this, once again I had no desire to drink, NONE.
But I was totally into this other thing, I told my wife and she just gave me a look like I was crazy, then I started thinking that IF I did do this , WOULD something chemically in my brain switch back on and make me crave alcohol again?

It was crazy, I was totally switching from one vise to another, I mean one browny isnt going to kill anyone , maybe cause Im injured , I dont know, but in the end my sobriety scared me straight, and Im cruizing , now heres the fun Dinner Party I went to...

Good friends, extremely good Korean meal prepared by the host, So we had three nationalities there, Persian, Koreans and Serbians , quite the fun atmosphere, alcohol and shots were flowing quite hard, there was alot of focus on Me Not Drinking and that I was a boring person, blah blah blah, personally I can give two rats as$ what anyone thinks now BUT once they got drunk they all forgot about me and started just getting hammered , which once again , Im not judging anyone I love all of them .

No Desire to drink, got everyone home safe and honestly the only thing that sucks, is when I tell my wife "Hey were leaving at 9pm, cause the boy has a tournament the next day, not one minute later" and its 925 and I feel like Im taking a group of cats for a walk........instantly Im the bad guy , party pooper, etc...

well heres the next day , I feel amazing , and the next day my friends said that "Im so hung over and all I could think about was how amazing you(ME) must be feeling today" so hopefully I can covert some of these Pagans into getting sober,
Just kidding about the Pagan thing. But Im 100% Stoked to have found sobriety , and theres going to be test here and there. If I wasnt at that diner I would have not been in that situation, but also look at my Friday traffic POT brownie trip out, totally came out of left field, theres always going to be temptations I guess it just how we handle them, or your boy might be going crazy, I dont know ....
Dont go backwards, we all know what will happen......the mistake we make for a temporary buzz is not worth it, have this feeling of Sobriety is rewarding!!!!
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Old 07-06-2017, 10:21 AM
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4th of July was awesome!
I made it thru all the parties, 5 in total.
The word is out that Im not drinking too, and not too much discussion really , maybe in the beginning but after that , crickets.....

Number one question I get is not why, but How Long? And thats from everyone.....

How long are you going to stop for.....people are very curious and I feel like I cant say forever right now , so I say a year. I feel like if I say forever then I need to give them a excuse as to why. Honesty , half the time Im NOT listening to them anyways, I have a bad way of directing my attention away from me and more on other topics...Just kinda dont feel like talking to people about my failure with alcohol , on here no problem, but to people that dont related, why waste time ? They dont get it.

My head neck and shoulder ache, but once this crap heals, Im 100% confident my mornings will be super charged and motivation will be massive.

Im treating my body with respect now, I cant believe how powerless I was to alcohol before , its just a drink, a liquid. I lost so much time to it, this freedom I have now is addicting, and to be honest theres alot of hours in the day now, way more than ever and I love it!!!
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