I need to talk about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,882
I need to talk about it.
The last few nights I've been having some really fu^$ed up dreams about my childhood. Long story short...first love, best friend growing up died in a car accident. I saw her die. It's her birthday in a few days.
This was the center of my drinking for many many years.
I wasn't with her at the accident, but I was supposed to get a ride with her that morning. I've always had a lot of guilt over that.
This is s#it I've long since dealt with. Like years ago, I think.
I found myself in a thought process that went like this...
"I wonder what a cold beer smells like?"
NO....... This is a freight train of destruction heading towards me at mach 5. All I need to do is drop the hammer and I'm off. I know how this $#it works except this time I'm gonna die. That's a given if I go back.
So....I'm not in the best of moods right now but I'm going to call my wife, tell my neighbor/best buddy and go sit in meetings all day. This demon is staying dead this time. This is my ***%ing life. I've worked too hard to get my life back.
thanks for being here.
This was the center of my drinking for many many years.
I wasn't with her at the accident, but I was supposed to get a ride with her that morning. I've always had a lot of guilt over that.
This is s#it I've long since dealt with. Like years ago, I think.
I found myself in a thought process that went like this...
"I wonder what a cold beer smells like?"
NO....... This is a freight train of destruction heading towards me at mach 5. All I need to do is drop the hammer and I'm off. I know how this $#it works except this time I'm gonna die. That's a given if I go back.
So....I'm not in the best of moods right now but I'm going to call my wife, tell my neighbor/best buddy and go sit in meetings all day. This demon is staying dead this time. This is my ***%ing life. I've worked too hard to get my life back.
thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I wasn't with her at the accident, but I was supposed to get a ride with her that morning. I've always had a lot of guilt over that."
that has to be hard to deal with,bulldog.
have you ever heard of survivors guilt/survivors syndrome?
that has to be hard to deal with,bulldog.
have you ever heard of survivors guilt/survivors syndrome?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Talking can really help BullDog, glad you've decided to do so instead of the "other" option. Things like this really stay with us for a long time, have you ever considered talking to a counselor/therapist? I went the first 40 some years of my life without ever trying that and it has helped me, mostly with anxiety but other things too. I don't go very often but it can be very helpful to help focus on what the issues actually are and find ways to get through them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 14,317
Your not alone.
Many of us have used alcohol or drugs to
numb emotional or physical pain from the
past for a number of yrs which has kept us
sick in our cycle of addiction.
I'm sorry to hear about this special friend
in your life that was taken soooo soon.
Today with help, care, guidance, understanding,
you can now learn how to work thru this situation
and put it in a good place so that you can heal
and move forward in a healthy, sober way of life.
This burden you have carried for so long can be
addressed now and worked thru in a proper way
so that it can stop haunting you and keeping you
sick.
Using a councilor, physician, therapist, recovery
program, all these can be effective in helping you
and putting it behind you to move forward in life.
Coming here to share is a good first step in
addressing what you have been carrying on
your shoulders for so long and now others
can share same similar situations that they
have gone thru and how they found a solution
to help them get passed it and grow in a healthier,
sober person you are meant to be.
Keep coming back and growing strong
as well as addiction free.
Many of us have used alcohol or drugs to
numb emotional or physical pain from the
past for a number of yrs which has kept us
sick in our cycle of addiction.
I'm sorry to hear about this special friend
in your life that was taken soooo soon.
Today with help, care, guidance, understanding,
you can now learn how to work thru this situation
and put it in a good place so that you can heal
and move forward in a healthy, sober way of life.
This burden you have carried for so long can be
addressed now and worked thru in a proper way
so that it can stop haunting you and keeping you
sick.
Using a councilor, physician, therapist, recovery
program, all these can be effective in helping you
and putting it behind you to move forward in life.
Coming here to share is a good first step in
addressing what you have been carrying on
your shoulders for so long and now others
can share same similar situations that they
have gone thru and how they found a solution
to help them get passed it and grow in a healthier,
sober person you are meant to be.
Keep coming back and growing strong
as well as addiction free.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 26,782
BD77- Good for you. Keep fighting the good fight. My dreams sucks. BUT they are just that- only dreams. They cannot hurt me- memories cannot.
My thoughts and support to you across the waves. PJ.
My thoughts and support to you across the waves. PJ.
My Own Muse
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
Posts: 19,523
My dreams exhaust me. It is like I live another life when I am asleep. Then when I wake up I spend the morning analyzing them. Sorry to hear about your past situation. Prayers for you to find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
That kind of love and loss, never leaves you, Bulldog. I have experienced that and have tried to deal with it in many ways, many times. I just always try to keep in mind that it's there, because of the deep love I feel, not guilt, not just loss. Try and take some time to remember the wonderful, irreplaceable, times you shared with your friend. That's what I do, for what it's worth. Focus on the great gift of that love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,901
You mention meetings, so I'm presuming that you're an AAer. (Apologies in advance if this isn't the case.) Have you spoken to your sponsor about this? I'm presuming that you would have included it in your step 4 inventory work (under resentments?) If not, then perhaps you could do a step 4 & 5 on it with your sponsor today?
Prayers for you to find some serenity today.
And a drink will not help. You know that from past experience. The relief would be the shortest of short term, and the repercussions, quite possibly, a lifetime.
Prayers for you to find some serenity today.
And a drink will not help. You know that from past experience. The relief would be the shortest of short term, and the repercussions, quite possibly, a lifetime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,882
I'm going to make an appt with my therapist as soon as i get done writing this. Everyone added great advise and I appreciate all of the love. It's truly times like these that I cherish this place so very much.
thank you all again. I'm off to another meeting then dinner with the family and then bed. I'm exhausted but focused on my sobriety.
Again...there are no words to thank everyone of you who responded. I really appreciate it.
thank you all again. I'm off to another meeting then dinner with the family and then bed. I'm exhausted but focused on my sobriety.
Again...there are no words to thank everyone of you who responded. I really appreciate it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,882
I'm doing a lot better today but every time I try to sleep, even just for a nap...i dream about some aspect of that time in my life.
I spoke with my therapist today and she gave me some tools to help get me through it. I may not have a choice about dreaming this nightmare, but I do about how I react to it.
Tomorrow I'm going to the art store for some supplies and finish a classic restoration I started at the beginning of the winter.
thanks for everything, people.
I spoke with my therapist today and she gave me some tools to help get me through it. I may not have a choice about dreaming this nightmare, but I do about how I react to it.
Tomorrow I'm going to the art store for some supplies and finish a classic restoration I started at the beginning of the winter.
thanks for everything, people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by BullDog777 
The last few nights I've been having some really fu^$ed up dreams about my childhood. Long story short...first love, best friend growing up died in a car accident. I saw her die. It's her birthday in a few days.
This was the center of my drinking for many many years.
I wasn't with her at the accident, but I was supposed to get a ride with her that morning. I've always had a lot of guilt over that.
This is s#it I've long since dealt with. Like years ago, I think.
I found myself in a thought process that went like this...
"I wonder what a cold beer smells like?"
NO....... This is a freight train of destruction heading towards me at mach 5. All I need to do is drop the hammer and I'm off. I know how this $#it works except this time I'm gonna die. That's a given if I go back.
So....I'm not in the best of moods right now but I'm going to call my wife, tell my neighbor/best buddy and go sit in meetings all day. This demon is staying dead this time. This is my ***%ing life. I've worked too hard to get my life back.
thanks for being here.
This was the center of my drinking for many many years.
I wasn't with her at the accident, but I was supposed to get a ride with her that morning. I've always had a lot of guilt over that.
This is s#it I've long since dealt with. Like years ago, I think.
I found myself in a thought process that went like this...
"I wonder what a cold beer smells like?"
NO....... This is a freight train of destruction heading towards me at mach 5. All I need to do is drop the hammer and I'm off. I know how this $#it works except this time I'm gonna die. That's a given if I go back.
So....I'm not in the best of moods right now but I'm going to call my wife, tell my neighbor/best buddy and go sit in meetings all day. This demon is staying dead this time. This is my ***%ing life. I've worked too hard to get my life back.
thanks for being here.
I guess we just deal with them the best way we know how. Hang in there man.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,066
I believe that dreams are the way our subconscious deals with things that we don't want to deal with. Therapy sounds like a terrific idea.
Stay strong, Bulldog. We're with you.
Stay strong, Bulldog. We're with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,882
I appreciate the continued support. Today, I spent the day with my daughter.
We went electronics shopping at best buy, had some lunch and ice cream and ran to the art store. it was a great day.
It's hard to be down or frustrated when I spend more than 5 minutes with her.
I'm staying focused and surrounding myself with positive people.
I feel 100% stronger than I did the other day. I couldn't have done it without all of those who posted their support. Thank you to each of you, I'm extremely grateful.
We went electronics shopping at best buy, had some lunch and ice cream and ran to the art store. it was a great day.
It's hard to be down or frustrated when I spend more than 5 minutes with her.
I'm staying focused and surrounding myself with positive people.
I feel 100% stronger than I did the other day. I couldn't have done it without all of those who posted their support. Thank you to each of you, I'm extremely grateful.
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