Adult children of alcoholics and transference
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Adult children of alcoholics and transference
Is there anyone else (I'm sure there is) who had parents who were alcoholics, who has noticed a lifelong pattern of seeking out persons with similar traits to their mother or father and transferring unresolved emotions on to them?
I am looking for any literature on this, books or articles, any talks on youtube you've seen, or personal insights. Have you done this and what steps did you take to work through it once you became aware of it? in my case, I have worked out things with my father, but have struggled with the residual feelings I have for the most recent "object" of transference, because I allowed it to go on for almost a year unchecked and it ended with a lot of resentment in a lot of different directions.
Thanks in advance for being patient with me, I am trying, as much as it may seem like I am staying stuck on purpose.
I am looking for any literature on this, books or articles, any talks on youtube you've seen, or personal insights. Have you done this and what steps did you take to work through it once you became aware of it? in my case, I have worked out things with my father, but have struggled with the residual feelings I have for the most recent "object" of transference, because I allowed it to go on for almost a year unchecked and it ended with a lot of resentment in a lot of different directions.
Thanks in advance for being patient with me, I am trying, as much as it may seem like I am staying stuck on purpose.
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We actually have a forum specific to ACOA Brenda, you may find some more specific help on this question there
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Nothing to be sorry for. I would suggest you also take some time and think about your last statement. You'll never get out of the situation you are in by finding more potential problems. AKA - you have to start taking action to specifically address some of your issues. Quite frankly therapy would be the best place to start IMHO. A therapist can help you "sort out" what is really a problem and what might not be and get you started working on the real problems first. It's just like building a house really, if you worry about what color the mailbox is going to be before you build the foundation you'll be left with a hole in the ground, right?
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i think to some degree i tend to flock to people with familier traits from what i'm used to from my upbringing. I Could find a trait in many peopel that may remind me of someone else etc..
I do have one boss that reminds me of my abusive stepfatehr to some degree. and I do sometime wonder if i subconciously stepped in this one so to speak.
I do have one boss that reminds me of my abusive stepfatehr to some degree. and I do sometime wonder if i subconciously stepped in this one so to speak.
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth 
Great suggestion, Scott. I still would like to read more about it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nks-acoas.html
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Hi Brenda and all.. Children of Drinkers.. I can go back to the 1950's.. this was the norm for the time.. 1960's more drugs and smoking can into the scene.. my Pop was so afraid we would end up like him.. I never had a step in any direction that was not taken back to my father and I was punished at home the minute he walked in..... yep. kids true.. I was 16 when I took that belt and he had me looking at him eye to eye.. last time he did that... I was as tall and almost as strong... then he took it out on Mom and the girls.. drinking.. even when I was in college did not do anything that would upset the norm... had 3 special college prof's that knew of my Dad and my life.. made the class promise if they wanted a good grade to never say anything to a barber or the families of the town.. and then my Mom showed up in class one day... they moved fast to close off areas that had signs up closed to the public.. funny I can smell the clay and plaster and paints.... no kidding.. I fought my first time around with breast cancer at 18 and 4 months.. have wondered if I had been able to stop college and go stay with a Aunt and Uncle what would my life be today......
do I look at people like my Mom and Dad.. nope.. don't have to too many of the DNA families all over the place.. sometimes it is very nice to look at a face and see the family of the 1950's 1960's standing there... at 67 I miss a lot of them very much......... Brenda what do you want out of life.. do you want to live like your Parents brought you up as .. or do you want to change the pattern and do a better or lest try to do a better job..???? that is something I stepped a different path for for my children... I had problems .. but if you knew even one of my three you would know that I raised them different.. yep... love prayers and so much hope for a better tomorrow...
do I look at people like my Mom and Dad.. nope.. don't have to too many of the DNA families all over the place.. sometimes it is very nice to look at a face and see the family of the 1950's 1960's standing there... at 67 I miss a lot of them very much......... Brenda what do you want out of life.. do you want to live like your Parents brought you up as .. or do you want to change the pattern and do a better or lest try to do a better job..???? that is something I stepped a different path for for my children... I had problems .. but if you knew even one of my three you would know that I raised them different.. yep... love prayers and so much hope for a better tomorrow...
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My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic and I hated it when I was growing up.
I swore I would never be like him.
Now, at age 53, I realize I patterned my life after his. I was rarely abusive - I was mostly a happy drunk. Most of the abuse I did to my own mind and body - as did my father. today he is an 80 year old miserable dry drunk.
I am sure my daughter would have had a better upbringing if my wife and I were not alcoholics; but we can't change the past.
I swore I would never be like him.
Now, at age 53, I realize I patterned my life after his. I was rarely abusive - I was mostly a happy drunk. Most of the abuse I did to my own mind and body - as did my father. today he is an 80 year old miserable dry drunk.
I am sure my daughter would have had a better upbringing if my wife and I were not alcoholics; but we can't change the past.
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When I look back at who I was ten years ago, I think, I made the correct decision not to have kids.. especially knowing what the next decade would bring.. I'm still not even close to a place of maturity where I'd consider having kids. I don't understand why girls have my age are doing that. I digress.
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Have you read The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller? That's a popular classic about children with traumatic upbringing and its effects (does not have much to do with being "gifted" actually).
On transference specifically, tons to browse in the psychoanalytic literature. I have two major such patterns that go back to childhood: avoiding female authority figures (I never even had many close women friends) and being drawn to males for the same. It's related to how I was never close to my mom and girls in my childhood and how I had good, mutually enriching and meaningful experiences with my dad and older males. It's been a very interesting process in my 30's work through this in depth and try to do it differently. I am more balanced now but the old pattern is still strong. I personally don't mind much as it does not involve being attracted to abusive people, I actually avoid that also like the plague
On transference specifically, tons to browse in the psychoanalytic literature. I have two major such patterns that go back to childhood: avoiding female authority figures (I never even had many close women friends) and being drawn to males for the same. It's related to how I was never close to my mom and girls in my childhood and how I had good, mutually enriching and meaningful experiences with my dad and older males. It's been a very interesting process in my 30's work through this in depth and try to do it differently. I am more balanced now but the old pattern is still strong. I personally don't mind much as it does not involve being attracted to abusive people, I actually avoid that also like the plague
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There is something in psychotherapy which is referred to as transference. It is a process where the client attributes attributes of another person to the therapist (most often and most strongly in 'psychoanalytic psychotherapy'). The therapist will recognize this process and use it to the advantage of the client.
You may be seeking out people who resemble your parents in order to resolve past issues. It's not really fair to these people because, obviously enough, they are not your parents. In effect you are not treating them with respect for their own unique individuality.
I suggest that you let them know what has been going on, as honestly as you are able to. This will help to keep the relationship firmly based in reality. If these issues are a continued source of concern seek out psychotherapy to help you to deal with them.
You may be seeking out people who resemble your parents in order to resolve past issues. It's not really fair to these people because, obviously enough, they are not your parents. In effect you are not treating them with respect for their own unique individuality.
I suggest that you let them know what has been going on, as honestly as you are able to. This will help to keep the relationship firmly based in reality. If these issues are a continued source of concern seek out psychotherapy to help you to deal with them.
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Transference is not specific to psychotherapy at all, it's just expanded and used in some therapy modalities, like psychoanalysis (that's where the concept comes from) and other psychodynamic types. It's also not only negative or positive, can be anything and many things, including very constructive, very damaging and very mixed. The concept describes something that is pretty much part or everyday life and a core element of how we form relationships. Relationship choices and dynamics are interconnected across history and feed upon each-other for a person.
I did a lot of in-depth analysis on my respective transference patterns by myself, with friends who were interested, and with my therapists. I love to dig into this and use it in all sorts of ways in my life, so interesting and also helpful to understand others. I first heard of it in my early 20's... I just noticed a peculiar relationship development pattern around that time and attended a management class in college where we were taught about effective ways of working with people, choosing colleagues, building teams etc. One of the psychologists there explained transference in that context and it was a huge lightbulb moment for me - suddenly some seemingly mysterious events and feelings in my life made perfect sense. I have been interested in it ever since and also did a lot of related work in therapy (tends to be my favorite part). One of my therapists actually had his own thing with it related to his alcoholic mother.
I did a lot of in-depth analysis on my respective transference patterns by myself, with friends who were interested, and with my therapists. I love to dig into this and use it in all sorts of ways in my life, so interesting and also helpful to understand others. I first heard of it in my early 20's... I just noticed a peculiar relationship development pattern around that time and attended a management class in college where we were taught about effective ways of working with people, choosing colleagues, building teams etc. One of the psychologists there explained transference in that context and it was a huge lightbulb moment for me - suddenly some seemingly mysterious events and feelings in my life made perfect sense. I have been interested in it ever since and also did a lot of related work in therapy (tends to be my favorite part). One of my therapists actually had his own thing with it related to his alcoholic mother.
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Really tons to read online (articles, blogs, books, whatnot) and there are also many videos on transference on Youtube. Just surf, it's hard to recommend one or a few. The kind that manifests romantically (often called "erotic transference") is classic. There is the TV show called In Treatment about a psychotherapist and his clients, in Season One of that there is a story like that with a client called Laura, a youngish woman and her older male therapist, unwrapping both sides. It's pretty good I think.
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Oh, this is huge for me Brenda. I see these discussions about Daddy issues and alcoholic behaviour across the pages of SR from time to time and I usually avoid them.
My father is an alcoholic, and he was very difficult and unpredictable all the time we were growing up. If he was drinking, he might fly into a rage at my mother (dinner not cooked right, kids not bathed on time...) or at my sisters and me (for saying something that he thought was disrespectful, for not behaving right). Or he could be super-loving and attentive and funny and charming. My mother appeased him as much as she could. She is kind and doting, and she never stood up to my father.
I grew up with the notion that a relationship between a man and a woman was one where the woman did all she could to keep her man. And once in a while he would be nice to her.
I too have reconciled with my father (who no longer drinks) but the transference issues remain. I cannot seem to be attracted to a man without there being some sort of challenge involved. After many years of unhappy experience, these days I just try to avoid emotionally intimate situations (in my own warped way) and aim to be resolutely emotionally self-sufficient. It helps to be sober as I am not apt now to “fall into” a dysfunctional relationship due to drunkenness.
Nevertheless, the patterns are still there. The patterns of "Daddy, if I am good enough and pretty enough, will I get your affection?" At work, I am the diligent girl scout type, particularly where there is an alpha male in the room. I compete ferociously with women, and have to force myself to go to "ladies only" networking events because there is no reward to be found at those things that my limbic system recognises.
My apologies, as this has turned out to be less of a personal insight than a sharing of personal experience. All I can say by way of insight is that these issues are in my experience deeply, deeply entrenched and probably best worked through in therapy, which I have not begun to do.
My father is an alcoholic, and he was very difficult and unpredictable all the time we were growing up. If he was drinking, he might fly into a rage at my mother (dinner not cooked right, kids not bathed on time...) or at my sisters and me (for saying something that he thought was disrespectful, for not behaving right). Or he could be super-loving and attentive and funny and charming. My mother appeased him as much as she could. She is kind and doting, and she never stood up to my father.
I grew up with the notion that a relationship between a man and a woman was one where the woman did all she could to keep her man. And once in a while he would be nice to her.
I too have reconciled with my father (who no longer drinks) but the transference issues remain. I cannot seem to be attracted to a man without there being some sort of challenge involved. After many years of unhappy experience, these days I just try to avoid emotionally intimate situations (in my own warped way) and aim to be resolutely emotionally self-sufficient. It helps to be sober as I am not apt now to “fall into” a dysfunctional relationship due to drunkenness.
Nevertheless, the patterns are still there. The patterns of "Daddy, if I am good enough and pretty enough, will I get your affection?" At work, I am the diligent girl scout type, particularly where there is an alpha male in the room. I compete ferociously with women, and have to force myself to go to "ladies only" networking events because there is no reward to be found at those things that my limbic system recognises.
My apologies, as this has turned out to be less of a personal insight than a sharing of personal experience. All I can say by way of insight is that these issues are in my experience deeply, deeply entrenched and probably best worked through in therapy, which I have not begun to do.
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Wowwww That is SO similar to what my relationships have been like. I also had a very hard time relating to women. I spent my twenties chasing married older men.
Now that I'm sober, and I have examined my codependency issues, I don't find older men attractive. I wouldn't even consider a man over forty now. Why would I? What would we have in common? I'll be 32 this year, I'll consider a man up to maybe 37.. Good grief, even that seems old. I want a 33 year old! lol That's being overly specific, but I feel like we'd mesh much better.
Now that I'm sober, and I have examined my codependency issues, I don't find older men attractive. I wouldn't even consider a man over forty now. Why would I? What would we have in common? I'll be 32 this year, I'll consider a man up to maybe 37.. Good grief, even that seems old. I want a 33 year old! lol That's being overly specific, but I feel like we'd mesh much better.
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