Are meetings necessary?
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
I believe that everyone's road to recovery is personal to them, and that there are many different methods to choose from. I get highly suspect when someone insists that their chosen method is the only one that works, and anything else will doom someone to failure.
For ME personally, I do go to AA. But it's not just about the program, it's because I needed to start making new, sober connections in a face-to-face setting. I needed that support system and accountability. There are other sobriety groups out there, but AA is close to home and there are frequent meetings, so my AV really had no excuse to pull out of its butt in terms of not going.
Welcome Brick - definitely try a few meetings to see how it goes. And yes, I do think it'd be best to try a group that your father is not a member of. At least at this stage.
For ME personally, I do go to AA. But it's not just about the program, it's because I needed to start making new, sober connections in a face-to-face setting. I needed that support system and accountability. There are other sobriety groups out there, but AA is close to home and there are frequent meetings, so my AV really had no excuse to pull out of its butt in terms of not going.
Welcome Brick - definitely try a few meetings to see how it goes. And yes, I do think it'd be best to try a group that your father is not a member of. At least at this stage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
If one has a hard time comprehending
what one reads, then hearing How It Works,
then AA program of recovery introduced
to me, taught to me, and learned 26 yrs ago,
then sitting in Step Meetings, Big Book
Studies as well as discussion meetings,
listening, learning, absorbing, applying,
will help you achieve what so many have
already achieved over a many one days
sober or clean at a time......
a Healthy, Happy, Honesty way of life.
Your dad is one of those who has found an
affective program of recovery and knows
it works because he continues to incorporate
it in his own life as he paves the path for you
and others to follow just by passing on what
was taught to him and learned to countless
others including you who are still struggling
with addiction.
I'm pretty sure he's heard it all before, things
you may not want to open up to him about. There
wont be anything that will surprise him because
he knows the sickness of addiction and how it
affected not only himself but others too.
Don't blame the person but rather
blame the sickness, disease of addiction
is how your dad sees it and me too.
Your dad will guide you with suggestions
into recovery and a bond will hopefully
be formed that will be a gift the 2 of you
will share. How awesome that would be.
what one reads, then hearing How It Works,
then AA program of recovery introduced
to me, taught to me, and learned 26 yrs ago,
then sitting in Step Meetings, Big Book
Studies as well as discussion meetings,
listening, learning, absorbing, applying,
will help you achieve what so many have
already achieved over a many one days
sober or clean at a time......
a Healthy, Happy, Honesty way of life.
Your dad is one of those who has found an
affective program of recovery and knows
it works because he continues to incorporate
it in his own life as he paves the path for you
and others to follow just by passing on what
was taught to him and learned to countless
others including you who are still struggling
with addiction.
I'm pretty sure he's heard it all before, things
you may not want to open up to him about. There
wont be anything that will surprise him because
he knows the sickness of addiction and how it
affected not only himself but others too.
Don't blame the person but rather
blame the sickness, disease of addiction
is how your dad sees it and me too.
Your dad will guide you with suggestions
into recovery and a bond will hopefully
be formed that will be a gift the 2 of you
will share. How awesome that would be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by BrickbyBrick83 
Thank you so much for the advice everyone - it's kind of a relief that I don't have to go to AA specifically, if I don't want to. I will go to a meeting at some point, just to see what it's like (in a couple of towns over!) 
and will go from there.
and will go from there.Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
IMO, involving someone in your family life in your recovery can lead to some relapse scenarios...I adore my husband but I don't even talk to him about being sober because he still drinks and this is something I have to do on my own. I know if I talked to him about it, especially in the early days, he would have told me I wasn't that bad and I probably would have used that as a relapse excuse.
So keeping your stuff your stuff is probably a healthy instinct at this point? But checking out the meetings a few towns over is a good idea.
I have been sober for over a year in large part because of the support on this board, so it can be done. But it's always worth at least checking out whatever tools might be helpful for you, yes?
You can do this.
So keeping your stuff your stuff is probably a healthy instinct at this point? But checking out the meetings a few towns over is a good idea.
I have been sober for over a year in large part because of the support on this board, so it can be done. But it's always worth at least checking out whatever tools might be helpful for you, yes?
You can do this.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I suggest you learn about all the choices you can find, and there are plenty. That's what I did, anyway. I checked AA, SMART, LifeRing, and found that AVRT made the most sense to me. YMMV.
According to the NIAA, an organization that studied 40,000 of us for years, for every million that used a formal program of recovery, there are three million that didn't. Not to say one mode is better than all of the others, just to say you need to find what will help you.
Nothing, no 'program' will make you sober, or convince you that living real and authentically is best by far. You have to do that part yourself. You deserve a life without this misery. Demand this of yourself. And let nothing keep you from your goal.
According to the NIAA, an organization that studied 40,000 of us for years, for every million that used a formal program of recovery, there are three million that didn't. Not to say one mode is better than all of the others, just to say you need to find what will help you.
Nothing, no 'program' will make you sober, or convince you that living real and authentically is best by far. You have to do that part yourself. You deserve a life without this misery. Demand this of yourself. And let nothing keep you from your goal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by soberlicious
and many people have recovered without a formal program of any sort.
hope ya decide to share with the OP what worked for you.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
I have a lot of thoughts after reading your post. Since you asked specifically about AA meetings, my response is based on AA meetings and my experience with them.
First, has your dad made amends to you for his past behavior? This is not a judgement, it's just a question. Maybe he's got too much shame still to face up to how he treated you. If not, then I would suggest not mentioning anything specific about him at meetings.
There is a mother, father and son who go to my meeting. They have tremendous recovery. I think the son gets around it by keeping his statements extremely general. Just by saying "my parents were alcoholics" was quite enough for us to "get it". I'm assuming he is more detailed about his childhood with his sponsor, where necessary.
Go to meetings to listen to the folks who are well how they worked the steps. Find a sponsor and share with him.
Focus on yourself, not your dad. You don't even have to tell anyone he's your dad. You're there for your own recovery, and alcoholism is just something you and he share in common so to speak.
I hope that helps. Best wishes to you in your recovery journey.
First, has your dad made amends to you for his past behavior? This is not a judgement, it's just a question. Maybe he's got too much shame still to face up to how he treated you. If not, then I would suggest not mentioning anything specific about him at meetings.
There is a mother, father and son who go to my meeting. They have tremendous recovery. I think the son gets around it by keeping his statements extremely general. Just by saying "my parents were alcoholics" was quite enough for us to "get it". I'm assuming he is more detailed about his childhood with his sponsor, where necessary.
Go to meetings to listen to the folks who are well how they worked the steps. Find a sponsor and share with him.
Focus on yourself, not your dad. You don't even have to tell anyone he's your dad. You're there for your own recovery, and alcoholism is just something you and he share in common so to speak.
I hope that helps. Best wishes to you in your recovery journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I know a couple of people in your boat and they and their loved ones choose seperate meetings to attend.
And while some people do go into meetings and vomit their details all over the table most around here don't. Most stick to sharing in a general way and save the gory details for someone they trust. My opinion is it's not a good idea to be very detailed in a group meeting period.
And while some people do go into meetings and vomit their details all over the table most around here don't. Most stick to sharing in a general way and save the gory details for someone they trust. My opinion is it's not a good idea to be very detailed in a group meeting period.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Many attend here, if looking for group setting and structured program of recovery. It is 12 step based
Adult Children of Alcoholics
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Adult Children of Alcoholics
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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Why not actually talk to your Dad about this? It might be that there are some meetings that could work for you both being there (Big Book study or Step Study for example, where the talk is about the program rather than ourselves) , and others wouldn't be so comfortable for either of you. He's likely to feel exactly the same way you do about it, so it's more a case of agreeing the boundaries about who's going where. I suspect that if you don't have that conversation you're going to be worrying that you'll bump into him, or someone who knows him at a meeting, and what he will say or think about you going but not chatting to him.
Most personal stuff tends not you be shared in meetings with the whole room anyway. That would be one to one with a sponsor, or close AA friends as you make them. No one actually has to say anything in a meeting if they don't want to, and anyway, we learn much more by listening than by talking.
I hope your out of town meeting goes well enough that you feel emboldened to chat to your father about the more local meetings.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Most personal stuff tends not you be shared in meetings with the whole room anyway. That would be one to one with a sponsor, or close AA friends as you make them. No one actually has to say anything in a meeting if they don't want to, and anyway, we learn much more by listening than by talking.
I hope your out of town meeting goes well enough that you feel emboldened to chat to your father about the more local meetings.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
He also did some truly horrible things to me growing up, that I will probably never get over completely. The memories have softened now, and I am so proud and happy that he stopped drinking. I love my dad. But that past does mean that I find it hard to let him in as much as perhaps other people might do with their parents.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Centered3
I have a lot of thoughts after reading your post. Since you asked specifically about AA meetings, my response is based on AA meetings and my experience with them.
First, has your dad made amends to you for his past behavior? This is not a judgement, it's just a question. Maybe he's got too much shame still to face up to how he treated you. If not, then I would suggest not mentioning anything specific about him at meetings.
There is a mother, father and son who go to my meeting. They have tremendous recovery. I think the son gets around it by keeping his statements extremely general. Just by saying "my parents were alcoholics" was quite enough for us to "get it". I'm assuming he is more detailed about his childhood with his sponsor, where necessary.
Go to meetings to listen to the folks who are well how they worked the steps. Find a sponsor and share with him.
Focus on yourself, not your dad. You don't even have to tell anyone he's your dad. You're there for your own recovery, and alcoholism is just something you and he share in common so to speak.
I hope that helps. Best wishes to you in your recovery journey.
First, has your dad made amends to you for his past behavior? This is not a judgement, it's just a question. Maybe he's got too much shame still to face up to how he treated you. If not, then I would suggest not mentioning anything specific about him at meetings.
There is a mother, father and son who go to my meeting. They have tremendous recovery. I think the son gets around it by keeping his statements extremely general. Just by saying "my parents were alcoholics" was quite enough for us to "get it". I'm assuming he is more detailed about his childhood with his sponsor, where necessary.
Go to meetings to listen to the folks who are well how they worked the steps. Find a sponsor and share with him.
Focus on yourself, not your dad. You don't even have to tell anyone he's your dad. You're there for your own recovery, and alcoholism is just something you and he share in common so to speak.
I hope that helps. Best wishes to you in your recovery journey.
He actually quit drinking the day after the worst beating he had ever given me. I remember he came to say sorry, and clearly looked very distraught and guilty - but immediately backtracked by telling me that it was my fault. "I'm sorry I hurt you - but you made me do it."
That's the only apology I have ever had.It would mean the world to me, and bring a lot of peace, if he did say sorry. But I don't think it'll ever happen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Recently celebrated 25 years and still go to three meetings per week. What I realize is denial and rationalization are always perched on my shoulder, whispering in my ears. Invariably the people who pick up, even with a lot of time, stop going to meetings.
Now I've read there are folks who stay sober without AA and good for them. I'm not one of them.
Now I've read there are folks who stay sober without AA and good for them. I'm not one of them.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I have found a path for me and I know a ton of people who have followed that same path and are sober. I'm of the opinion, Why reinvent the wheel unless you need to. I choose to stick with a method that worked for an awful lot of people and has stood the test of time. To me it is nothing more than common sense
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by BrickbyBrick83
Maybe one day Berrybean, but not for the foreseeable future. He is an interesting man - no longer an aggressive alcoholic, but it's not like he has become a completely different person either. He is still quite arrogant, self-centred, and condescending. I'm worried that talking to him, and his reaction, would be a trigger in itself!
He also did some truly horrible things to me growing up, that I will probably never get over completely. The memories have softened now, and I am so proud and happy that he stopped drinking. I love my dad. But that past does mean that I find it hard to let him in as much as perhaps other people might do with their parents.
He also did some truly horrible things to me growing up, that I will probably never get over completely. The memories have softened now, and I am so proud and happy that he stopped drinking. I love my dad. But that past does mean that I find it hard to let him in as much as perhaps other people might do with their parents.
I posted before I read your next post.
Sounds to me like your dad hasn't faced some pretty major stuff. I'm sorry for your suffering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I'm so surprised he didn't do an amends to you. Strange.
I posted before I read your next post.
Sounds to me like your dad hasn't faced some pretty major stuff. I'm sorry for your suffering.
I posted before I read your next post.
Sounds to me like your dad hasn't faced some pretty major stuff. I'm sorry for your suffering.
aasharon90, I do get where you're coming from, and it would be wonderful if it worked exactly like that for everyone. However, I tried talking to my dad about a few things back when I first quit. It was like a steel wall went up - he did not want to discuss it, and I don't fancy laying myself bare like that again, just to be dismissed. Thank you for caring though
Oh well, I can't keep waiting for the apology, and I can't continue to let it be part of what shapes my behaviour. Onwards and upwards.
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